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Selfish BM - Need advise

I need some real help with this issue from some fellow brides - One of my bridesmaids has been seriously MIA. It's been this way for over a year but we've been friends since HS and I was a BM in her wedding in 09 so I figured she'd step up to the plate like I did for her wedding...

Well, I was wrong. All of our other friends, including my MOH who was also her MOH, told me I was making a mistake. She has basically pushed everyone away with her lies and selfishness over the past two years and she and my MOH are no longer on speaking terms.

I'm at the point right now where I just don't know what to do. Here is the most recent issue: I decided that I would let my BM's pick their dresses so they'd be comfortable. Back in March, I emailed all of the girls a few dates to pick from so we could try on dresses. On the date that she picked that I made myself available for, she texted me and told me that she and her husband had food poisoning and couldn't make it. Later that day on facebook, I saw pictures that her sister in law posted from the blue angels air show, her husband is in the military and had to be there that day. She wasn't in any of the pics, but he and their son was. And her husband certainly didn't look like he had food poisoning. I let it go and didn't say anything, I just asked her to let me know when she could re-schedule, she said to just let her know a day and she would be there. So the next day, I texted her a new date and she said she didn't know if it would work b/c she was really busy at work and she would let me know the next day. 3 weeks went by with no response. Then she posted on my FB that she missed me last week, so I replied and asked if she would be able to go dress shopping in May, she said yes def, to just let her know and she'd make it happen. So two days ago after looking over my schedule, I texted her a day to go shopping...and again I haven't received a response, not even an, I'll check and let ya know...just Nothing!!!!

Please, I need some advise...my sisters and MOH are telling me to kick her out but I know you're not supposed to kick a BM out unless they try to get with your man or something...I just need to know what I should do. What would you do if you were me?
Mrs. Jennifer Cook! Yay!!!

Re: Selfish BM - Need advise

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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_selfish-bm-need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6943bf0e-971e-4b0b-81ed-516db924aba2Post:fe5b22b2-4fa2-4dfb-b003-599dc9d03915">Selfish BM - Need advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need some real help with this issue from some fellow brides - One of my bridesmaids has been seriously MIA. It's been this way for over a year but we've been friends since HS and I was a BM in her wedding in 09 so I figured she'd step up to the plate like I did for her wedding... Well, I was wrong.


    <strong>Lesson learned: you can't hold other people up to your own personal expectations. You didn't have to make her a bridesmaid just because you were hers, and she's not "obligated" to do anything for your wedding other than get the dress and show up. And if she was like this for a year, then she wasn't going to change just because you got an engagement ring. </strong>


    All of our other friends, including my MOH who was also her MOH, told me I was making a mistake. She has basically pushed everyone away with her lies and selfishness over the past two years and she and my MOH are no longer on speaking terms.

    <strong>It's none of your business how she gets along with other people. If they have a problem with her, fine, but that shouldn't influence you. </strong>

    I'm at the point right now where I just don't know what to do. Here is the most recent issue: I decided that I would let my BM's pick their dresses so they'd be comfortable. Back in March, I emailed all of the girls a few dates to pick from so we could try on dresses. On the date that she picked that I made myself available for, she texted me and told me that she and her husband had food poisoning and couldn't make it.
    <strong>
    It sucks if she bailed out, but if she can pick her own dress then there's really no reason why you need to be there with her. </strong>


    Later that day on facebook, I saw pictures that her sister in law posted from the blue angels air show, her husband is in the military and had to be there that day. She wasn't in any of the pics, but he and their son was. And her husband certainly didn't look like he had food poisoning.

    <strong>Do yourself a favor and get off Facebook in regards to stuff like this. It's REALLY dangerous to assume that you know the whole story because of Facebook pictures or posts. </strong>

    I let it go and didn't say anything, I just asked her to let me know when she could re-schedule, she said to just let her know a day and she would be there. So the next day, I texted her a new date and she said she didn't know if it would work b/c she was really busy at work and she would let me know the next day. 3 weeks went by with no response. Then she posted on my FB that she missed me last week, so I replied and asked if she would be able to go dress shopping in May, she said yes def, to just let her know and she'd make it happen. So two days ago after looking over my schedule, I texted her a day to go shopping...and again I haven't received a response, not even an, I'll check and let ya know...just Nothing!!!!

    <strong>Give her any specifications for the dress (color, designer, length, whatever) and let her get it on her own. Because you're clearly not going to be able to coordinate a date with her. And, again, there's really no need for you to be there with her when she picks it out. </strong>

    Please, I need some advise...my sisters and MOH are telling me to kick her out but I know you're not supposed to kick a BM out unless they try to get with your man or something...I just need to know what I should do. What would you do if you were me?

    <strong>Nothing here is awful enough where you should have to kick her out of your wedding. Just let her get the dress on her own time. </strong>


    Posted by Jenn2750[/QUOTE]
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_selfish-bm-need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6943bf0e-971e-4b0b-81ed-516db924aba2Post:fe5b22b2-4fa2-4dfb-b003-599dc9d03915">Selfish BM - Need advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need some real help with this issue from some fellow brides - One of my bridesmaids has been seriously MIA. It's been this way for over a year but we've been friends since HS and I was a BM in her wedding in 09 so I figured she'd step up to the plate like I did for her wedding... Well, I was wrong. All of our other friends, including my MOH who was also her MOH, told me I was making a mistake. She has basically pushed everyone away with her lies and selfishness over the past two years and she and my MOH are no longer on speaking terms. I'm at the point right now where I just don't know what to do. Here is the most recent issue: I decided that I would let my BM's pick their dresses so they'd be comfortable. Back in March, I emailed all of the girls a few dates to pick from so we could try on dresses. On the date that she picked that I made myself available for, she texted me and told me that she and her husband had food poisoning and couldn't make it. Later that day on facebook, I saw pictures that her sister in law posted from the blue angels air show, her husband is in the military and had to be there that day. She wasn't in any of the pics, but he and their son was. And her husband certainly didn't look like he had food poisoning. I let it go and didn't say anything, I just asked her to let me know when she could re-schedule, she said to just let her know a day and she would be there. So the next day, I texted her a new date and she said she didn't know if it would work b/c she was really busy at work and she would let me know the next day. 3 weeks went by with no response. Then she posted on my FB that she missed me last week, so I replied and asked if she would be able to go dress shopping in May, she said yes def, to just let her know and she'd make it happen. So two days ago after looking over my schedule, I texted her a day to go shopping...and again I haven't received a response, not even an, I'll check and let ya know...just Nothing!!!! Please, I need some advise...my sisters and MOH are telling me to kick her out but I know you're not supposed to kick a BM out unless they try to get with your man or something...I just need to know what I should do. What would you do if you were me?
    Posted by Jenn2750[/QUOTE]

    <div>Problem #1: you expected her to change for your wedding.  Girls expect that when their friends get the title of 'bridesmaid', they'll automatically stop all of their rude or annoying behavior.  This isn't true!</div><div>
    </div><div>Problem #2: it seems like you're only contacting her about wedding stuff.  She should be a friend first, bridesmaid second.  There may be something going on in her life right now, and she can't really focus on buying a dress for your big day.</div><div>
    </div><div>It's up to you whether you want to get rid of a BM and friend, or deal with her behavior and preserve the friendship.  </div><div>
    </div>
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    Just give her the directions for the dress (length and color, if you're dictating that) and let her get the dress at her own speed and on her own schedule.  And invite her over for a movie night or out to drinks and girl talk (not wedding talk) to renew the friendship.



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    I'll bet she's fully capable of picking out a dress on her own without your supervision.  Let her know any specifications you have (designer, color, length).  Problem solved!

    And as far as the FB drama - let it go.  Maybe she really did have food poisoning, maybe she didn't.  Maybe she decided to spend the day with her family and knew you'd be mad if she told you the truth.  Either way, it's really no big deal.
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    Thanks for the input. Just to clarify, I'm not only calling her for wedding stuff, and when we do actuallt talk or get to see each other, I hardly ever bring up the wedding, I know not everyone wants to hear about it all the time.

    As for the dress, I know I don't have to supervise and I'm not trying to control it, but whenever I ask her to hangout for non-wedding things, she blows me off. So I'm trying to find some way to spend time with her.
    Mrs. Jennifer Cook! Yay!!!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_selfish-bm-need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6943bf0e-971e-4b0b-81ed-516db924aba2Post:f6f4d7bd-ec80-485f-8473-d5353d78c7f9">Re: Selfish BM - Need advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the input. Just to clarify, I'm not only calling her for wedding stuff, and when we do actuallt talk or get to see each other, I hardly ever bring up the wedding, I know not everyone wants to hear about it all the time. As for the dress, I know I don't have to supervise and I'm not trying to control it, but whenever I ask her to hangout for non-wedding things, she blows me off. So I'm trying to find some way to spend time with her.
    Posted by Jenn2750[/QUOTE]
    Well your OP seemed to be all about the dress.  You never mentioned wanting to hang out with her.

    What does she like to do?  Movies, concerts?  If she just won't hang out with you, you can't make her.  It's not worth kicking her out over though.  If your friendship fizzles after the wedding, so be it.  Friendships have a natural ebb and flow to them, so you guys may become closer again in life, but don't force it.
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    Don't mention the dress or the wedding, and ask her to hang out in a non-wedding way. Maybe that'll make her come around.

    Did you choose a designer for the dress, or can she get whatever she wants? If you chose a specific designer, did you ask her budget beforehand? Maybe she can't afford it and is avoiding you because of that.
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_selfish-bm-need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6943bf0e-971e-4b0b-81ed-516db924aba2Post:fe5b22b2-4fa2-4dfb-b003-599dc9d03915">Selfish BM - Need advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need some real help with this issue from some fellow brides - One of my bridesmaids has been seriously MIA. It's been this way for over a year but we've been friends since HS and I was a BM in her wedding in 09 so I figured she'd step up to the plate like I did for her wedding... Well, I was wrong. All of our other friends, including my MOH who was also her MOH, told me I was making a mistake. She has basically pushed everyone away with her lies and selfishness over the past two years and she and my MOH are no longer on speaking terms. I'm at the point right now where I just don't know what to do. Here is the most recent issue: I decided that I would let my BM's pick their dresses so they'd be comfortable. Back in March, I emailed all of the girls a few dates to pick from so we could try on dresses. On the date that she picked that I made myself available for, she texted me and told me that she and her husband had food poisoning and couldn't make it. Later that day on facebook, I saw pictures that her sister in law posted from the blue angels air show, her husband is in the military and had to be there that day. She wasn't in any of the pics, but he and their son was. And her husband certainly didn't look like he had food poisoning. I let it go and didn't say anything, I just asked her to let me know when she could re-schedule, she said to just let her know a day and she would be there. So the next day, I texted her a new date and she said she didn't know if it would work b/c she was really busy at work and she would let me know the next day. 3 weeks went by with no response. Then she posted on my FB that she missed me last week, so I replied and asked if she would be able to go dress shopping in May, she said yes def, to just let her know and she'd make it happen. So two days ago after looking over my schedule, I texted her a day to go shopping...and again I haven't received a response, not even an, I'll check and let ya know...just Nothing!!!! Please, I need some advise...my sisters and MOH are telling me to kick her out but I know you're not supposed to kick a BM out unless they try to get with your man or something...I just need to know what I should do. What would you do if you were me?
    Posted by Jenn2750[/QUOTE]


    I can understand your frustration.  Allthough I picked out 3 dresses each bridesmaid could choose from I still went with all of my bridesmaids. 

    I would have a conversation and ask her what's going on.  Start it like "hey how are things going with you?"  maybe you are able to find out that somethign else is causing her to be flaky.  I had a bridesmaid who was canceling on me several timees, when I mentioned to her that I would help her pay if she needed help, Bamm she kept the appointment.  Something else may be going on there.

    As far as having time, I got my bridesmaid dresses early, my fiance and I do not live together so we are now trying to find a house and then i have to prepair to move.  So I wanted to get everything done early so I don't have to wory about too much wedding stuff when I'm trying to find a place to live and preparing to move.  I can understand you want to get this done, plus as in my situation and in yours you are not at crunch time so the delay isn't as stressful.

    Good luck.  I hope all goes well!
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
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    I agree with most PPs.  I think that as far as the dress is concerned, she should be able to get that herself, and I disagree with StacyJenniges in that the dress shouldn't really be a source of stress.  They're the ones ordering it and wearing it to the wedding, and even if they don't get the dress (and they take themselves out of the wedding), it will not affect the marriage.

    OP, your wedding apparently is in November.  To give you some perspective, my wedding is in early August.  All of my BMs are OOT, and so I did not go dress shopping with them.  I gave them a designer, a color, a length, and a choice of materials.  They each got fitted and ordered said dresses this week without me prodding them about it.

    As far as your friendship is concerned, if she has been flaky or MIA for some time, realistically she isn't going to change her behavior for your wedding and you can't expect that.  That said, it's quite possible that the friendship is running its course, or it's just in an ebb and flow.  But it's best to just give her the info about the dress, also let her know that you'd love to hang out sometime to catch up on what's going on with her.  Then, just try to take it in stride, and allow the ball to be in her court.  It sounds like you're trying, but give her some space and let her make an effort.
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    i would sit down and talk with her and tell her how you feel. also, ask her if she really wants to be a bridesmaid.  obviously she is married so hopefully she can understand the frustration and stress that goes along w/ planning your wedding.  the best thing to do is be honest.  i had the same problem w/ one of my bridesmaids and it turns out she wasn't trying to be flaky, but she just didn't have the money.  we came up w/ a solution b/c she wanted to be a bridesmaid but the financial part of it was just rough for her.  just talk to her!  It will help.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    I feel like you have plenty of wonderful advice about this situation and I hope that you can resolve your issues with this BM.
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    thanks all...as far as the dress goes I gave all the girls a color and length and told them they could pick. My MOH is OOT and she'll be picking the dress herself so I'm def not trying to control the situation. I just thought that going together with any of the girls I could go with would be a nice experience.

    As for money, I know that's not the issue, both she and her husband have great jobs and she's never been one to not want to spend money. 

    I didn't ask her to be a BM because I was hers either, I asked her because she's been one of my best friends for 10 years and I love her. I know I can't make her change or make her care about me or my wedding, but it hurts because we used to be so close and now it's like she doesn't care...I just miss my friend. 
    Mrs. Jennifer Cook! Yay!!!
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    Personally i would remove her from the wedding party. Even if she has personal things going on in life, she is supposed to be your friend too, she could tell you i need some time without the wedding planning. For someone to blow off a friend is very disrespectful and childish not to mention.
     I have noticed some women dont go old school with the wedding party and some do ( i am one that does) but which ever way you look at it she is still ditching out on you continuously without enough respect to contact you so your not wasteing your time.
     I wouldnt stress over someone ho is flakey, i would just focus on the gals you have that are willing to work with you and your ideas. Good Luck Bride2B
    Wedding Countdown Ticker image Future Mrs.Hellem
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_selfish-bm-need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6943bf0e-971e-4b0b-81ed-516db924aba2Post:527cef39-2fab-46bc-8261-824eb1c41827">Re: Selfish BM - Need advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]thanks all...as far as the dress goes I gave all the girls a color and length and told them they could pick. My MOH is OOT and she'll be picking the dress herself so I'm def not trying to control the situation. <strong>I just thought that going together with any of the girls I could go with would be a nice experience.</strong> As for money, I know that's not the issue, both she and her husband have great jobs and she's never been one to not want to spend money.  I didn't ask her to be a BM because I was hers either, I asked her because she's been one of my best friends for 10 years and I love her. I know I can't make her change or make her care about me or my wedding, but it hurts because we used to be so close and now it's like she doesn't care...I just miss my friend. 
    Posted by Jenn2750[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It's a nice thought, really, but not all girls want to shop for clothes with other girls. I didn't go with any of my bridesmaids, mostly because they don't live where I do. The only one who does didn't want me to go with her because she really doesn't like trying on dresses, especially with an audience.

    </div>
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