Best way to manage unequal WP? *Update*

junebug62511

I recently found out one of my bridesmaids will not be able to be in the wedding party and for valid reasons. I know I should not replace her and I don't want to. So, how do I balance out the wedding party? I could have two guys walk down with a girl or vice versa but which bridesmaid or groomsmen should it be? That also means an empty chair up at the head table and an unbalance during the reception for things like the grand march...which we don't need to have but I like the idea of doing all the typical wedding traditions.
And I know this is not suggested to do , I'm just curious: has anyone replaced a bridesmaid and have it go over well? I'm only asking because she seemed really keen on me finding a replacement for her, she was really concerned about me not being able to find some one to fill in her spot and was making suggestions on who I could ask. I told her I did not want anyone else to take her spot but she still insisted. Is there any case where replacing a bridesmaid might make that her feel better because she won't feel like she is leaving me with an unequal WP?

bablingbrooke

Imbalance.  The word is imbalance.

Even sides and head tables are not traditions; they are 1980s fads.  Just so you know.  Also, you wouldn't have an empty chair at the head table; you'd have the same number of chairs as people sitting up there.  And trust me, people are far more interested in their food than the symmetry of your head table.  Or my personal favourite: Eschew the head table altogether and let the WP sit with their dates.  I vote for that.

We had uneven sides.  The GM stood at the front with DH and the BMs walked up solo.  On the way back, they paired off and the last GM scooped up two BMs.  He specifically asked for that job

Do you really think that 1) you'll even have a photo of your head table in your wedding album, and 2) you'll be distracted by the uneven number of heads?  Or do you think you'll see the faces of each and every WP member and be glad they shared the day with you?  The second one, right?

Replacing BMs can be a dangerous game.  Sure, the current BM may be okay with it, but what message do you send the replacement?  "Yeah you weren't good enough to make the cut the first time around, but now I have a spot open so I guess you'll do."  I promise you that uneven sides won't be distracting, won't be disappointing, and that no one (including you!) will notice or care.  I'm willing to bet you've been to at least one wedding with uneven sides but didnt' notice because it is such a small detail.

aerinpegadrak

Don't you mean two empty chairs at the head table, since she would naturally be seated up there with her date, since you sound like a rational sort of person who would never inflict something like that on her nearest and dearest?

I can't advise you on how to handle the grand march, because I've never heard of it.  I also don't think it really matters who gets doubled up, and that's something you can sort out at the rehearsal.  We didn't have a rehearsal, and figured out marching order roughly 3 hours before the start of the ceremony.  Ours ended up splitting up really nicely based on relationships (so we had the gender-flipped attendants, the skippers, the siblings, and the honor attendants, 2-3-3-2), but had it not, we probably would have just picked more or less at random.

I've never heard of the replacement thing going well.  Even if the friend being replaced is totally fine with it, there's no real way to say to someone, "I only want you up here with me because someone else bailed."

golden1215

Have the men stand up front w/ groom and have BMs walk down the aisle solo.

Grand entrance could be all girls together (in a row or group of whatever) and same with boys.

I would not replace the BM with another one.

junebug62511

I had the same exact thought, how could I ask anyone else so that they wouldn't feel second string?  I can't.  So now it's just the matter of how I want everyone to walk down the aisle. I've never been to a wedding where the bridesmaids and groomsmens walked down by themselves but I'm open to the idea. I like the idea of having the groomsmen already standing up at the alter with my fiance- this would cut down on the time it takes to get the whole bridal party up there and plus its my side that has the even number now so it would be easier to pair up bridesmaids. And I have the issue of convincing her I am not upset that she is causing the WP to be unequal, I kind of feel like no matter how many times I tell her its no big deal she will still feel bad

bablingbrooke

Glad you're listening to your gut; it's usually right.  And don't worry about your friend; she'll get over it.

mbcdefg

Sorry she can't participate. But do not replace her.

It doesn't really matter which girl gets two escorts. I'm sure nobody would have a problem with it. Ask for a volunteer if you're concerned, but I'm sure nobody will mind if you just pair her up with two guys.

I haven't seen a "traditional" head table in years. Seat the wedding party members with their dates. If nobody brings a date and you want a head table, just don't put your sister's empty seat there. Your guests aren't going to stop eating, stare at the head table and scream, "OMG, there's five guys but only four girls! Oh, the humanity!!!"

I also haven't seen a wedding party dance done at most weddings. I saw one at my cousin's wedding in the early 90s, then never saw it again until a wedding last month. I was genuinely shocked that that couple chose to do one, since I thought it was a dead custom. If you want the wedding party to join you in a dance, why not invite them to dance with their dates? WP members dancing with each other can be awkward to participate in and boring/awkward to watch. Your guests won't care who's dancing with whom.

IDK what a Grand March is ... is that when the DJ announces the wedding party members by name? If so, they can just announce one girl and two guys together. Or announce everyone one at a time.

junebug62511

We are definitely having a head table but I guess I am being concerned over nothing, its really not a big deal. Same with the grandmarch, not a big deal. And no we are not having a wedding party dance, my fiance had to do that at a wedding this summer and he did not like the bridesmaid he was paired up with which made it just awkward. (Plus I did not like watching my man dance with another woman lol) Thanks for the perspectives, all really helpful

Summer2011Bride

My fiance was a replacement for a friend's WP. His friend got ina huge fight with an original GM so he was "upgraded" from an usher. He said he would do it, but felt weird and a little angry the whole time. So i would NOT replace her. Even if SHE is Ok with it, her replacement most likely would not be.

We will probably have an unequal party. Have the girls walk in by themselves at the ceremony instead of escorted by the guys (they can be at the altar with groom). On the way out, either one girl can be escorted by two men or one man can walk alone. Uneven WP's are pretty common nowadays so I wouldn't even sweat it. Just leave out the empty chair at the head table; don't even have it there.

mbcdefg

How big is your wedding party? We had a head table, but since we had four bridal party members we could fit their dates at the table as well. Everyone was happy.

I haven't seen a wedding party-only head table since that 90s cousin's wedding I mentioned before. Complete with puffed-sleeve, shiny, teal BM dresses.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_way-manage-unequal-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6999097a-9fbe-4f33-a2e5-6de3e49802acPost:c0d7a435-9e57-4fd4-9b04-5621b4c94dcc">Re: Best way to manage unequal WP?</a>:
[QUOTE]We each had 5 attendants, so 4 for me now. I see that a lot on these boards that no one really does the "traditional" head table, but the last 4 or 5 weddings I have gone to all had head tables with wedding party only. Having dates up there would be a nice idea, but I would feel bad if some one didn't have one.
Posted by junebug62511[/QUOTE]

We had one WP member without a date, but had our WP members and dates at the head table, and I heard no complaints from the person who chose not to bring a date.

Plus, I don't think it would've been fair of me and MH to split up the other WP members from their boyfriend, girlfriend and fiancee, just because someone chose not to bring a date.

Extend the offer to single WP members to bring a date, and if they choose not to bring anyone (even a friend) then it's not your problem if they are the only ones without a date. You gave them the option.

HawaiianTXbride

why does there have to be an empty chair?  Why can't you just have your venue put the number of chairs for the number of people who are going to sit there?  Have only 9 chairs if there are 9 people.  No one is going to be counting how many people are up there.

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_way-manage-unequal-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6999097a-9fbe-4f33-a2e5-6de3e49802acPost:c0d7a435-9e57-4fd4-9b04-5621b4c94dcc">Re: Best way to manage unequal WP?</a>:
[QUOTE]We each had 5 attendants, so 4 for me now. I see that a lot on these boards that no one really does the "traditional" head table, but the last 4 or 5 weddings I have gone to all had head tables with wedding party only. Having dates up there would be a nice idea, but I would feel bad if some one didn't have one.
Posted by junebug62511[/QUOTE]

I understand where you are coming from with this, but just as you mentioned before that you did not like seeing your man dance with a BM at another wedding, wouldn't you have hated having to sit through a reception and eating dinner without him? I know I would hate that, more than seeing him dance with someone else. I don't the think the non-guested BM's/GM's will mind!

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_way-manage-unequal-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6999097a-9fbe-4f33-a2e5-6de3e49802acPost:c0d7a435-9e57-4fd4-9b04-5621b4c94dcc">Re: Best way to manage unequal WP?</a>:
[QUOTE]We each had 5 attendants, so 4 for me now. I see that a lot on these boards that no one really does the "traditional" head table, but the last 4 or 5 weddings I have gone to all had head tables with wedding party only. Having dates up there would be a nice idea, but I would feel bad if some one didn't have one.
Posted by junebug62511[/QUOTE]

No, you would feel weird about the 14 year old girl who one of the 19 year old GMs is planning to bring as his date sitting up there. Which I get, I've already said it's creepy, but tell the truth about it.

fyrefairie

have your girls walk alone one by one with the guys up front...it works fine
for the grand entrance, they shouldn't ne annouinced in pairs, they're not couples...announce them one by one
as for the table, no one is going to notice and no one is going to watch the BMs take in every forkful for the record....as for the HT issue, if you can fir the dates up there it would porbably be best...the people not coming with dates should be fine, if they feel humiliated, they probably are overly concerned with their status as single and would feel weird either way.
if you are going to split up the couples, don't expect your WP to sit with you for very long...but you won't spend much time at the table anyways but really get their dates up there...or do a SH table and put a couple of other tables right next to you with the BP and their SOs...in all truth, we have a handful of pics of our captains table, none of them were taken when the entire BP was seated...and they are mnostly centered on us during toasts etc. 

junebug62511

@ Emily actually the 14 year old is not the reason we are having a traditional head table, it was a genuine sentiment about the single people in the WP. And we were already planning on having a head table long before she even came into the picture.

 I personally feel that a head table won't cause any problems. However, I will ask my WP how they feel about it but the ones that are already married had head tables at their own weddings but I guess it won't hurt to ask

junebug62511

I spoke with my sister again and I told her that I would not be replacing her and that her spot is always open should she change her mind. I also told her not to worry about the uneven wedding party because its not a big deal (thanks to all your suggestions!). Best decision I ever made. She was just so touched and happy that I can't believe I ever thought about replacing her- even if it was just for a moment. Strange to think that her dropping out of my wedding could actually bring us closer!! I'm still hoping that the situation will change and that things will work out so she can be in the wedding, but if not thats ok too!