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My BM just got engaged

So My FH and I got engaged over a year ago now, and immediately chose our date-and our weddding is 5 months away. One of my BM (who also is my future sister in law) got engaged a month ago and she chose her date and it is exactly 3 weeks after mine. I can't help but feel upset, now a lot of my FH side of the family is having to chose which wedding to go to, and every "wedding event" IE: engagement party, shower, etc...  It is all about the two of us both getting married at the same time,... I am a person who likes to be unique and separate from others, so this is killing me inside. Any ideas on how to cope and not have bitter feelings towards my future sister in law?
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Re: My BM just got engaged

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    No wedding is completely unique and separate from others, so if that's your main goal then you're going to be sorely disappointed. I was with you until you said that you like to be unique, because that just made you sound pretentious.

    Yeah, it's crappy of her to do that but you don't own a wedding date and people can get married whenever they want. IMaybe she has reasons for her date she ahsn't shared with you, or maybe she likes the idea of getting married close to her brother's date.

    f it's that big a deal ask your FI to talk to his sister, just be prepared to face the consequences (namely, you sounding like a bridezilla or big baby because someone is stealing your thunder).
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-just-got-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b4a48bf-25ac-4a46-870a-907c3a687ddfPost:534070fd-5d16-417a-8cce-a96a1491d399">My BM just got engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]So My FH and I got engaged over a year ago now, and immediately chose our date-and our weddding is 5 months away. One of my BM (who also is my future sister in law) got engaged a month ago and she chose her date and it is exactly 3 weeks after mine. I can't help but feel upset, now a lot of my FH side of the family is having to chose which wedding to go to, and every "wedding event" IE: engagement party, shower, etc...  It is all about the two of us both getting married at the same time,... I am a person who likes to be unique and separate from others, so this is killing me inside. Any ideas on how to cope and not have bitter feelings towards my future sister in law?
    Posted by A Dancer[/QUOTE]

    Unfortunately you cannot control other people's actions but you can control your own reactions to them. For the sake of family harmony I'd really try to keep any bitterness contained and not let it show. There's no point, really. Your wedding will be "unique" since it's an entirely different event than her wedding, even though they're 3 weeks apart. And yes, some family members may not be able to attend both events, which will be disappointing if that is the case,  but you also have to realize that attendance pre-wedding parties are not mandatory and people will do their best to come to what they can. If they can't, they can't and it doesn't mean that anyone loves you any less or that they don't support your marriage, you know? End of the day...you're married to your FI. She's married to her FI. Be happy for each other - you can share in the "joys" of wedding planning ;-). Be the bigger person and let go of any resentment now...you don't want issues with your soon to be SIL stemming from wedding date jealousy - not worth it at all.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    It's probably just the weekend that worked for them, there's not always a lot of flexibility in dates.  Your wedding is one day, and 3 weeks separation is a decent amount except for inconvenience to the families.

    Would your FI's family have to travel to both?  If not, they should be able to go to both.  But if they do, look forward to the fact that you'll get to spend more time with the ones that go to your FSIL's wedding than you would at your own.
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    Has she actually booked anything?  She may want it to be so close but that's a small window to work with.

    And even if that winds up being her date, just smile.

    I'm going to go against some and say that she's really inconsiderate if she's planning her wedding to be three weeks after the wedding of her sibling or of her FI's sibling.  That's inconsiderate of MANY guests to put them so close together.  If it were cousins it wouldn't be a big deal but with siblings, that's tough.

    All you can do is smile and be gracious.
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    If you have such a problem with it, move your wedding.

    She's doing nothing wrong, and you have no right to get upset with her.  

    You will get all the attention you deserve on your wedding day.  
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    Let it go.
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    Banana - I was thinking the same thing. If your family is having to chose and all the events are a combined thing I would get together with your FI, his brother, and your new SIL and tell them that while you are happy for them you are concerned with the timing. Explain that people are having to choose which wedding to attend and it has become hard for them financially. Maybe she will consider changing her wedding date if she hasn't planned anything.
    Anniversary
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-just-got-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b4a48bf-25ac-4a46-870a-907c3a687ddfPost:534070fd-5d16-417a-8cce-a96a1491d399">My BM just got engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a person who likes to be unique and separate from others, so this is killing me inside. 
    Posted by A Dancer[/QUOTE]

    <div>This made me laugh really hard. Thanks. </div>
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    Suz, depending on who it is, I'd stay out of it.  For example, if it's the brother of her FI, it's a situation for their family to deal with if they choose to.

    I think the "I'm a person who likes to be unique"  comment is a wee bit silly.

    BUT, logistically, I can see that this is a rather large issue for multiple people and she does have the right to be annoyed.  That's where it should stay though if it's not her family involved.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-just-got-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b4a48bf-25ac-4a46-870a-907c3a687ddfPost:534070fd-5d16-417a-8cce-a96a1491d399">My BM just got engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]So My FH and I got engaged over a year ago now, and immediately chose our date-and our weddding is 5 months away. One of my BM (who also is my future sister in law) got engaged a month ago and she chose her date and it is exactly 3 weeks after mine. I can't help but feel upset, now a lot of my FH side of the family is having to chose which wedding to go to, and every "wedding event" IE: engagement party, shower, etc...  It is all about the two of us both getting married at the same time,... <strong>I am a person who likes to be unique and separate from others, so this is killing me inside</strong>. Any ideas on how to cope and not have bitter feelings towards my future sister in law?
    Posted by A Dancer[/QUOTE]

    And I bet it would really hurt her to find out that you're upset about her wedding date.  My FBIL is getting married two months before we are, almost to the day.  There were hard feelings when we first got engaged, and planned our wedding.  And I felt terrible.  We picked a date that worked for us, we didn't pick it because we wanted to "upstage" them or create drama.

    And that last statement is way overdramatic.  You get one day.  One.  Get over yourself.
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    to remind every one and in response to
    "If you have such a problem with it, move your wedding."

    My date has been set for over a year and my wedding is 5 months away... if any of you are actually getting married than you would know of all the contracts signed and money lost if cancelled.
    and thank you banana your adviced actually really helped me...
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    What is their reasoning in choosing a date so soon?  Do they want to have a summer wedding and don't want to wait until next year?

    Remember that the wedding is one day of your life.  It's not like anyone is asking you to have a double wedding or to walk down the aisle together.  Unless you choose the same elements to have, your wedding will be "unique" because it is yours.  As for his family having to make choices, well, we all have to make choices. 
    dont make ur password so easy. gbck2CA2 hahahaha
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    You can't control her, but you can control yourself. You get one day, not a month, not the 3 week period after your wedding and not the whole year. One day. You will have an amazing wedding that is unique and special on your day. 3 weeks later, a different story with a different bride. Where is the problem in this? You need to accept that she picked the date and worry about something else. This is definitely NOT something to be upset about and needing methods on how to "cope."
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-just-got-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b4a48bf-25ac-4a46-870a-907c3a687ddfPost:4634e0a4-060a-498f-a816-de88b66d1020">Re: My BM just got engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]to remind every one and in response to "If you have such a problem with it, move your wedding." My date has been set for over a year and my wedding is 5 months away... if any of you are actually getting married than you would know of all the contracts signed and money lost if cancelled. and thank you banana your adviced actually really helped me...
    Posted by A Dancer[/QUOTE]

    So you can't change your wedding date without losing funds.  That being said, you have two options.

    1) Shelve your feelings, bask in the spotlight of your wedding day, and enjoy her wedding day when it comes.
    2) Keep being upset about it, knowing there's nothing that you can do about it, alienate your FIL's and look like a huge bridezilla while you're at it.

    I don't think this is a difficult decision, when it comes down to it.  I'm honestly sorry that your feelings are hurt, but what's done is done.  All you can change is how you handle the situation.
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    I don't think your FSIL actually wanted to hurt your feelings. This date probably worked for them. Just enjoy your day, go on your honeymoon, and then enjoy her wedding with a nice tan. 
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    Sunbonnet or cone of shame? You be the judge! Trixie's Blog
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    I'd be annoyed, too if a close family member decided to get married so close to my date.  However, I'd keep that to myself (and probably vent to my FI).  If you make a big deal out of it, you'll look selfish.  We all want to be selfish about our weddings, but your lifelong relationship with your sister-in-law is more important than her stealing (a small amount of) your thunder.
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    I agree, and I'd be annoyed at the situation, too.  But if you make a big deal out of it, you'll be the one who looks bad.  Like Banana said, it may not even happen because it's so soon, maybe she won't be able to get everything booked. 

    Just be happy for her, his family will work it out to attend what they can. 
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    First of all, pretty much everyone here is either already married or actively planning a wedding.  You didn't say in your first post that you had already booked things, so people didn't realize that moving the wedding wasn't an option.  We're not psychic, if you leave out relevant information you're not going to get relevant answers.

    Here's a little story from my own planning: I really wanted our wedding rings to be engraved with the phrase "and they lived happily ever after."  When it came time to actually get the engraving, FI called me up from the jeweler and told me that the phrase didn't fit.  I suggested a shortened version, and he asked if I was sure.  My response was, "Well, that's not what I wanted, but that's what will work."

    Moral: Crying about it wasn't going to make the ring magically large enough to accommodate the whole phrase, just as crying about your sister getting married three weeks after you won't change a damn thing.  You're really just wasting your energy getting all worked up about this.  Planning a wedding is about learning to pick your battles, and you really need to accept that this one isn't worth fighting.

    Suck it up and move on with your life.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Is this the best situation? No. It will I'm sure be hard for some people to come to both, especially if they're OOT, and there will probably be some people who can't make it to either yours or hers for that reason. But beyond that, I think you just need to relax. Basically it sounds like you're bummed that the spotlight is no longer on you and you alone, but presumably that's just with your FI's family and any mutual friends you and your FSIL have - you still get your family and friends' undivided attention. And while I'm sure it would be nice if FI's aunt could make your shower instead of having to choose to go to FSIL's, is it really that big of a deal? Again, you'll still have your family and friends there.
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    xoxobxoxob member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-just-got-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b4a48bf-25ac-4a46-870a-907c3a687ddfPost:534070fd-5d16-417a-8cce-a96a1491d399">My BM just got engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]So My FH and I got engaged over a year ago now, and immediately chose our date-and our weddding is 5 months away. One of my BM (who also is my future sister in law) got engaged a month ago and she chose her date and it is exactly 3 weeks after mine. I can't help but feel upset, now a lot of my FH side of the family is having to chose which wedding to go to, and every "wedding event" IE: engagement party, shower, etc...  It is all about the two of us both getting married at the same time,...<strong> I am a person who likes to be unique and separate from others, so this is killing me inside. Any ideas on how to cope and not have bitter feelings towards my future sister in law?
    </strong>Posted by A Dancer[/QUOTE]

    An idea? Yes. Get over yourself. That's all I got. She isn't getting married the same day as you, so she's not taking away any of your spotlight.  Can we get some pictures of other brides in her dress for her?

    I get the family scenario and I think you've gotten a lot of great advice on that, but...really? You're going to be bitter towards her on her wedding day because you got married 3 weeks beforehand? Wow.
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    OP it's completely possible that your soon-to-be SIL doesn't feel all that great about her wedding date either, but it's what she went with because she wants to get married. When fi and I got engaged I had a cousin whose wedding was around the time we wanted to get married (like, 2 weeks before).

    We were fortunate enough that it was ok to wait to get married. But it may not be in her case (think of things like health insurance, cost - because things cost less the closer you get to the date, etc.) and they found a date that worked for them because they want to be married sooner rather than later.

    It does suck that they plopped their wedding down next to yours, but let it go. There are so many more constructive things to fuss on. There's no reason to let this be the beginning of tension in your relationship with her.
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    I can see why you would be annoyed.  And I agree that its kind of a tacky move to plan it so close.  But I think the other posters are correct - you have to get over it.  My advice would be to focus on making your day everything you want it to be.  Don't focus on what she is doing - keep the negative energy out of your day and you will feel much better about it!
    BFP#1 10/30/2011,MC 12/4/2011 9w2d,BFP#2 3/6/2012,m/c 4/18/2012 9w1d D&E 4/18/2012 BFP#3 8/12/2012 EDD 4/25/2013 Stick baby!! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers BabyFruit Ticker
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    xoxobxoxob member
    First Comment

    You could also mope and complain about it so that you make her feel terrible on her wedding day, because it's not as important as yours. I mean...right?

    Or, you could watch Bride Wars and get some inspiration on how to handle the sitch. Hmph.

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    ...and to also suggest lots of people would have no problem using (and want to, for that matter) a week of vacation time to attend both weddings if they were indeed now within 1 week of each other.

    Unless you live in the Bahamas or some other fabulous location no thank you.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    Yeah, moving the date a weekend after the wedding doesn't fix the "problem." The shared guest list will make their decision on which wedding to attend, and there's simply nothing to be done to prevent that from happening.

    Hopefully everyone will be able to make it to both, but if they don't, oh well. OP I'd say, give yourself a designated hour to be upset/mad/bridezillacrazy privately over this matter, and then move on.

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    This is "killing OP on the inside"?  Sorry, but I just have to comment.  That's just silly and melodramatic.

    EmilyinChile was married only days after the horrific earthquake in Chile.  Did she say it "Killed her inside"?  Nope.  She took care of what she could, let go of what she couldn't, and will be the first to tell you that she had a wonderful wedding.  She could have whined, but didn't.

    My DD and her roommate were victims of a violent crime 26 days ago.  THAT is, no doubt killing them on the inside.  I know it's never out of MY mind.  But are they saying that?  No. they're moving forward with their lives, even as they watch this monster do his best to manipulate the criminal justice system.

    Someone plans a wedding 3 weeks after yours?  And that's killing you?  Can you please get some perspective here?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    I think she was being considerate in having her wedding AFTER yours, and I think you are being a baby.

    When is she suppose to get married??? A year after you?? Is that enough "me" time for you?? 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-just-got-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6b4a48bf-25ac-4a46-870a-907c3a687ddfPost:df381e48-6fcc-45bc-a375-3353d25091ff">Re: My BM just got engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think she was being considerate in having her wedding AFTER yours, and I think you are being a baby. When is she suppose to get married??? A year after you?? Is that enough "me" time for you?? 
    Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

    She's not upset because she is getting married close to her and stealing her thunder. She is upset because family members have said they will have to choose between the two weddings and do co-showers to save money.
    Anniversary
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    Exactly Suz.

    Hence why I think the three week thing isn't an issue for the bride or groom. (unless there's a long honeymoon involved).

    It is however an issue for the family members involved depending on the logistics.
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    xoxobxoxob member
    First Comment
    i'm still stuck on her issue wasn't 100% the family picking the wedding! she said it was stepping on her uniqueness!
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