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Bridesmaid Replacement?

So I have a friend I've known for years, who I've asked to be my bridesmaid. She recently moved back to our home state of GA from FL, and I haven't seen her in a while. Well since she's been in FL she seems like a totally different person, and she's really flaky now (although she's never been SUPER dependable). For example tomorrow is my birthday and my fiance has gone to a lot of trouble to put a party together for me which is totally sweet of him, and she has given him some reason having to do with money as to why she can't be there. She knows when my birthday is. And I always always always am involved with her birthdays and her kids' birthdays. But at this point, even after I've shown my friendship for her in asking her to be in my bridal party...she still flakes on me? She has a really good job, and it's hard to believe that she doesn't have enough money to drive 45 minutes just to attend a party. We're not asking her to pay for anything... And how am I to know she will keep acting like this up to the day of my wedding??

Anyway, there is another friend that I was considering making a bridesmaid. She's a lot more dependable. Should I tell the first girl that I'm having issues with her issues? Should I replace her? It's really early so I have a lot of time but I don't want it to end our friendship. (Although at this point, she doesn't seem really interested...) Help....... Frown

Re: Bridesmaid Replacement?

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-replacement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6d1a4794-023c-48e7-bf93-6cfea6823190Post:45eef18f-b7b0-495f-8e7c-ebe1289a0e59">Bridesmaid Replacement?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I have a friend I've known for years, who I've asked to be my bridesmaid. She recently moved back to our home state of GA from FL, and I haven't seen her in a while. Well since she's been in FL she seems like a totally different person, and she's really flaky now (although she's never been SUPER dependable). For example tomorrow is my birthday and my fiance has gone to a lot of trouble to put a party together for me which is totally sweet of him, and she has given him some reason having to do with money as to why she can't be there. She knows when my birthday is. And I always always always am involved with her birthdays and her kids' birthdays. But at this point, even after I've shown my friendship for her in asking her to be in my bridal party...she still flakes on me? She has a really good job, and it's hard to believe that she doesn't have enough money to drive 45 minutes just to attend a party. We're not asking her to pay for anything... And how am I to know she will keep acting like this up to the day of my wedding?? Anyway, there is another friend that I was considering making a bridesmaid. She's a lot more dependable. Should I tell the first girl that I'm having issues with her issues? Should I replace her? It's really early so I have a lot of time but I don't want it to end our friendship. (Although at this point, she doesn't seem really interested...) Help.......
    Posted by BDoug713[/QUOTE]
    Kicking someone out is a friendship ending move.  Replacing a BM indicates to the former BM that she's easily replaceable in your eyes and to the replacement BM that she's only second string.

    If you want the other girl to be a BM, ask her and do not kick out the other BM.  Even sides are not necessary.

    Even if someone has a good income, you don't know what kind of bills, debt, or upcoming major expenses they have unless you are their financial planner.
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    Her money and her time are her business.  Maybe her really good job requires her to work 60 hour weeks, maybe she's really busy with her kids, maybe her car's on its last legs and she has to watch her budget.  (DH and I make six figures between us, and we have to have the engine on his car rebuilt.  That rules out spending money on anything but bills for the next few months.)  Her only bridesmaid duty is to show up for the ceremony in the appropriate attire and smile for pictures.  Anything else she decides to do beyond that is extra, and if she doesn't do anything extra it's not necessarily awful.

    Unless she's done something publicly awful like assault you or burn down an orphanage, anyone who doesn't know the whole story (read: everyone) will just presume you're a bridezilla.  Anyone who hears that you booted her because she didn't go to your birthday party will KNOW you're a bridezilla.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-replacement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6d1a4794-023c-48e7-bf93-6cfea6823190Post:45eef18f-b7b0-495f-8e7c-ebe1289a0e59">Bridesmaid Replacement?</a>:
    [QUOTE]But at this point, even after I've shown my friendship for her in asking her to be in my bridal party...she still flakes on me? 
    Posted by BDoug713[/QUOTE]

    <div>This line really bothers me.  You ask someone to be in your WP because of who they are, not who you want them to be.  If she has always been flaky, then that is who she is.  She is not going to magically change because you asked her to be a bm or change her behavior just for your wedding.</div><div>
    </div><div>You also have no idea what her finances are.  Depending on the day, she might not be able to take enough work off to make it to your party.  Maybe she plans on drinking and thus will need a hotel room for that night.</div><div>
    </div><div>Moving is very expensive, so she might not have the gas money for a 2 hour trip.  Since she just moved I'm going to assume she just started a new job.  Starting a well paying job does not mean she instantly has a lot of money.  Also when you get a new apartment you have to pay a deposit and first and last month rent, so she might be out a lot of cash right now.  Maybe she knows that it is common for a bm to spend $1000 for a wedding and she is saving up.</div>
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    Sorry but the expiration date for being offended for people not coming to your b-day party is age 18.  It's just not something grown-ups get to be upset about.  If she said she'd come and then didn't show you'd have something legitimate to be upset about.  But because she can't come to your party?  Hardly a war crime.

    She's always been a flake.  Why did you expect this to change?  A diamond ring on your finger does not make people more reliable and does not conjure cash out of thin air for people.  I just moved from Mass to CA two months ago (after going the opposite way two years ago) and let me tell you, moving is ALWAYS more expensive than you think it's going to be.  You have to replace things that weren't worth moving, pay movers and miss work.  There are down payments to be made on housing and security deposits to try to recover from the last place.  It never costs less, it always costs more.  I seriously doubt that she came out ahead in that transaction.

    Finally, your birthday party is not remotely on the same plane as your wedding.  Not even close.  The wedding is in a class by itself.  So it's really silly of you to project based on the way she acted about this.  I skipped my friend's b-day party because I had to work, but I took time off for her wedding.  It was just something very different.  You need to get some perspective about this.  If you want to talk to her about the friendship, go ahead.  But you need to take everything related to the wedding out of it before you do.  You might find that it isn't a friendship problem, but rather your expectations are not in line with reality.  I'd make a plausible case for either right now.
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    <p>
    [QUOTE]Unless she's done something publicly awful like assault you or burn down an orphanage, anyone who doesn't know the whole story (read: everyone) will just presume you're a bridezilla.  Anyone who hears that you booted her because she didn't go to your birthday party will KNOW you're a bridezilla.[/QUOTE]

    Look, I didn't ask for sarcasm and being nasty. I don't remember saying "I'm booting her because she didn't come to my birthday party"... hm. Don't be like that.

    Meanwhile, I've obviously not painted a very nice picture of myself and our friendship. I'm not a "bridezilla" and there is much much more to the story of mine and her friendship. The birthday party is not a big deal, Brooke. It's the principle...I've always done everything for her, and she's not working tomorrow. She could be there, I know this. I won't go into details about what I do know, just that she can.

    And blackfire, you read into that line. Like I said I'm not spening hours going into details about our friendship but we have been shaky and we hadn't talked for a while. My purpose in that line was to show her that I really do value her friendship and want her to be part of a special day in our life.

    I got my answer. Thanks people.</p>
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2010
    That wasn't snark, that was a list of fireable offenses.  Sheesh.  And it's true--anyone who hears, "BD booted a BM for not coming to her birthday party" and doesn't know the whole story (which again will be just about everyone) will think less of you for it.

    That's great that you go above and beyond for her.  And it's very understandable that you are disappointed that she won't do the same for you.  But it doesn't sound like this is anything new.  And you really can't project from your birthday to the wedding.  And 45 minutes is an awfully long way to drive one-way for a birthday party.  And you did make it sound like it was a really big deal to you that she missed the birthday.

    If you don't want to be friends anymore, fine.  My point is that you can't have your cake and eat it to on this one.  You can't boot her or replace her in the wedding and still keep her as a friend.  It usually doesn't work out that way.
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    I remember when my DD was 12 and got angry that someone didn't come to her birthday part.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    trix1223,

    Did you read anything past the original post? Or are you always sarcastic?

    Please don't reply to my posts unless you have something of merit to contribute to the conversation.

    Thanks.
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    You don't get to choose how posters respond since it's a public board.  Well, as long as they're not violating knot policy in which case banana will take care of it.
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    BD, you really need to chill out and not get offended so easily.  Message boards offer unadulterated advice that is more blunt since we don't know you and aren't invested in sparing your feelings the way your friends and family might.  If you aren't prepared for that you might want to grow some thicker skin.

    Take or leave the comments and advice you get on here, but it really comes across as immature to just tell people to go away when you don't like what they have to say.
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    Look I didn't know when I posted to ask for help that I would run into issues of people posting rude things back to me. Even not being my family...I would expect simple kindness from people. I guess that's just too much for a wedding website?

    I can understand that people don't know me, but that's just it. People really shouldn't be ugly to someone who's asking for help. I didn't realize that a wedding website would have issues like that...

    But anway, probably the first and last time I ask for help on here. Thanks to those who actually helped answer my question. I don't need anymore "unadulterated advice."
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    I don't know Brooke..I answered your other post about hypersensitivity...I may be coming around to your side.  I really don't understand how people expect others to understand their plight, when they can't paint a "clear" picture of it.

    In answer to your question, no don't kick her out unless you want to end the friendship, period.  Also, are you concerned she will flake and not show up to the wedding?  Because other than that and buying a dress in her price range - those are the only obligations she has to you and your wedding.
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    Who was rude?  I just reread all the posts and could find nothing rude.  
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    Alright.

    I've read a few more posts on the boards and I know I'm not the only one with issues. Give me a break for being ignorant. This is my first time on this thing and I really didn't know it was so blunt. lol...  I apologize for snapping. I appreciate the thoughts that have been put on my topic and I'll keep them all in mind. Brooke -- I'd appreciate any other advice you have.

    P.S. Can we forget the birthday party? Just forget I mentioned it.

    Foot in mouth-- really newly engaged and ignorant bride.
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    dandelion17dandelion17 member
    First Comment
    edited July 2010
    I think you should try to talk to her about how you feel she is acting before you just kick her out. If she is your friend, friend's can talk, so talk to her before making decisions that will definatley hurt your friendship.
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited July 2010
    Who expects people to travel for a birthday party?  Yeesh.  Not attending your birthday party in no way makes her flaky or a bad friend.

    ETA:  The reason people are focused on the birthday party is that this is the only think you mentioned her doing to upset you.  You don't kick people out of your wedding because you decide that they're "not dependable."
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    deb84deb84 member
    First Comment
    When is your wedding?! If you have A LOT of time yet like you said I am confused as to why you have already asked your wedding party.  I've been engaged for 6 months but my wedding is still 14 months away...therefore I still haven't asked my wedding party. 

    Kicking her out of your wedding party will end the friendship...so if you are willing to do that then fine kick her out...and about asking someone else...don't you think they will feel...oh I don't know...2nd best.


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    Okay, I'll forget about the birthday party thing.  I think there are a few things that you are going to need to keep in mind during wedding planning so that your friendship with her doesn't suffer.

    From what you have described she is a little flaky and undependable.  Embrace this while planning your wedding.  Take your list of WP duties and toss them out the window.  Don't expect her to offer to help and if she does offer to help, don't expect her to follow through.  If dress shopping becomes a problem, find out the last possible date that she can order the dress without paying a rush fee and give her that date and the guidelines to the dress (length, color, etc) or the dress that you have picked with the other bm.  After you give her this info, don't worry about the dress anymore.  

    Don't expect her to help plan or to show up to your shower and b-party.  It's also okay if she misses the rehearsal (it's really not that hard to walk down an aisle and hold a bouquet for 30 min).

    I would expect her to show up on the day of the wedding and for her to be happy for you, which I'm sure she will since she is your good friend.

    If you expect her to do a lot of wedding stuff, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  If you only expect the bare minimum (get the dress and show up to the wedding) then you may be pleasantly surprised by any extras she does, or will just be happy that your friend is there for you on your wedding day.
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