Help! I don't know what to do about a bridesmaid!?! - lots of info

jawj81211

I feel like I am being a bad friend. I haven't told one of my bridesmaids how I feel.
 
Here's the deal....I have 4 bridesmaids all are very close to me. So I decided instead of taking a chance on someone having their feelings hurt there will be no additional labels....just bridesmaids.

But here's my problem. One of the girls is much bigger than the other 3. I wanted them all to wear the same dress so that it would all look uniform, but I can't find a dress that is flattering to the bigger bridesmaid oh and she also has A LOT of tattoos. No big deal, I just don't want the tats in my wedding or photos.

I know that I can't back out now....she's going to be a part of my wedding....but I was wondering is there some "extra special" duty that I can give to her so she doesn't have to wear the same dress as the other bridesmaids? I feel bad but I don't want to look back at all my wedding pictures and be embarrassed by what it looks like.

Please don't beat me up....I feel bad enough....I just had to get this off my chest and ask for help!!

Thanks,
Jess

banana468

I think you know what the answers will be.

You knew going into this how your BM looks.  Why are you all of a sudden saying that how she looks will spoil your wedding photos??   That's not being a very good friend to her now is it?

Designers like Alfred Angelo have dresses in a wide variety of sizes so you should be OK there.  However I really suggest that you stop thinking how one person looks will spoil your photos.  It's not really a nice thing to think and it's not even true.

Just relax, ask her to be herself and move on.

saisongbird

You can't do this.  When you ask someone to be in your wedding, you are asking them for better or worse, no matter what they look like.  If they have tattoos, they have tattoos, and I'd bet she'd be pretty hurt if you told her to cover them.  Ditto on the weight thing - you'll see in my siggy that I'm not tiny, and I'd be really hurt if I was told to wear a different dress because of my weight.  As the bride, yes, you have the right to pick the dress and the dress color, but as her FRIEND, you should WANT her to feel comfortable.  David's bridal and Alfred Angelo accomplish both of these things.  Some of the boutique designers do too, but they tend to be more expensive.  Take the "wedding" issue out of it, and treat her as a friend first.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dont-bridesmaid-lots-of-info?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:70597633-deca-40d9-a736-a7292bf29da5Post:23ef9200-5aee-4255-85a4-a49f97e9d4df">Help! I don't know what to do about a bridesmaid!?! - lots of info</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like I am being a bad friend. I haven't told one of my bridesmaids how I feel.   Here's the deal....I have 4 bridesmaids all are very close to me. So I decided instead of taking a chance on someone having their feelings hurt there will be no additional labels....just bridesmaids. But here's my problem. One of the girls is much bigger than the other 3. I wanted them all to wear the same dress so that it would all look uniform, but I can't find a dress that is flattering to the bigger bridesmaid oh and she also has A LOT of tattoos. No big deal, I just don't want the tats in my wedding or photos. I know that I can't back out now....she's going to be a part of my wedding....but I was wondering is there some "extra special" duty that I can give to her so she doesn't have to wear the same dress as the other bridesmaids? <strong>I feel bad but I don't want to look back at all my wedding pictures and be embarrassed by what it looks like</strong>. Please don't beat me up....I feel bad enough....I just had to get this off my chest and ask for help!! Thanks, Jess
Posted by jawj81211[/QUOTE]
You're a crappy friend.  Yeah.  I said it.  You needed to hear it.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dont-bridesmaid-lots-of-info?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:70597633-deca-40d9-a736-a7292bf29da5Post:23ef9200-5aee-4255-85a4-a49f97e9d4df">Help! I don't know what to do about a bridesmaid!?! - lots of info</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like I am being a bad friend. I haven't told one of my bridesmaids how I feel.   Here's the deal....I have 4 bridesmaids all are very close to me. So I decided instead of taking a chance on someone having their feelings hurt there will be no additional labels....just bridesmaids. But here's my problem. One of the girls is much bigger than the other 3. I wanted them all to wear the same dress so that it would all look uniform, but I can't find a dress that is flattering to the bigger bridesmaid oh and she also has A LOT of tattoos. No big deal, I just don't want the tats in my wedding or photos. I know that I can't back out now....she's going to be a part of my wedding....but I was wondering is there some "extra special" duty that I can give to her so she doesn't have to wear the same dress as the other bridesmaids? I feel bad but I don't want to look back at all my wedding pictures and be embarrassed by what it looks like. Please don't beat me up....I feel bad enough....I just had to get this off my chest and ask for help!! Thanks, Jess
Posted by jawj81211[/QUOTE]
If you want pretty magazine perfect pictures, then boot all of your friends and hire models.  I promise you the people in the magazines don't actually know or like each other.  If, however, you want your photos to document you and your closest friends and family on your wedding day, you have to accept people as they actually are.  Bringing her appearance into the question in any way, shape, or form is just very shallow and sad.

You SHOULD feel bad for even considering treating people this way.  It's called having a conscience: doing bad things makes you feel bad.

jawj81211

Thank you all.
I already knew that what I was posting was not nice. I'm really not that shallow. I'm a big girl and I have some tattoos. I guess I needed to hear from people that don't know me how foolish my thoughts have been recently.

I love my friend with all my heart, she was never formally asked to be in my wedding, it's always been just understood. As far as the tattoos, they are okay, just excessive, since I got engaged she has added another 6 or so to her collection.

I will find a perfect dress for her and the other girls and my day will be the best ever.

Again,
Thank you ladies for saying the tough things that I needed to hear!!

tidetravel

If you're really THAT concerned about the tattoos, you can get ALL of the girls shawls or pashminas to wear during the ceremony/pics.  That would probably cover a lot of the tattoos your friend has without singling HER out specifically.   

Manwaithiel

You know what you need to do. Make like Nike and just do it.

saisongbird

Good for you for taking what we have to say the right way.  You seem like you really aren't intending to be a bad friend.  We could use more newbs like you!

megandjay

I know you have already seen the light, but also remember- your BMs really aren't in that many pictures. You will probably only keep a couple of pics of the bridal party, most will be of your and your husband.

lalap69

I wanted to add that if you're really having trouble choosing a universally flattering dress, consider just specifying a designer (like Alfred Angelo, which has a huge spectrum of sizes), colour, fabric and length and let the bridesmaids pick their own dresses.  The look will still be cohesive and each bridesmaid can pick a dress she feels good in.

bablingbrooke

I can't believe you're actually considering booting a BM because of her weight.  Are identical dresses REALLY more important than your friendship?  Snap out of this--it would be the biggest bridezilla move you could possibly make, and you would rightly lose your friend over it.  

ETA: I just saw your follow up.  Bravo to you.