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I think FI's friend is being a Groomzilla... he doesn't think so... (too long)

FI's is (was) going to be best man in his friends wedding in October.  Now he is not... because of what I think is friend's doing, but FI is taking all the blame on himself.  There is a little backstory first.  (I know, it's way too long, but please bear with me!)

Group of 6 guys, all close since high school (they are all around 40 now).  All are on 2nd marriages, all have kids. FI and I will be last ones to get married when we do sometime next year.  There is precedent for them all to be in each other's weddings, as well as do lots of pre-wedding festivities together, including bachelor parties.  It will be same for us, and I have no problem with it.  They always have each other's backs, and I am grateful for their support.  FI got laid off in April, and while he is temporarily working for his dad, he is barely scraping by.  We have put off our wedding planning (including finishing paying off my ring) until he is more stable financially.  I just took a pay cut at work and am looking for a new job myself, so times are tight for us both. FI's ex is very unreliable and will only do for their son what is outlined in the custody agreement, and nothing more.

A couple weeks ago the guys decided one Saturday afternoon to all go together to get measured for their tuxes, then go have dinner, a few beers, and play some pool.  They decided this about two hours before they wanted to go.  All the guys could do it but FI, who wasn't able to find anyone to take care of his son.  (And he tried, but we can't afford a sitter.) So, he didn't go, and they went without him.  They made him feel very guilty about not going, accusing him of ruining the party,  disappointing the groom, etc.  FI went later and got measured on his own, so that got done. 

They decided at that event that the groom wanted all the guys to go with him to Vegas for his bachelor party, and as best man, FI should be the one to organize it.  (Each guy would pay own way.)  FI was not there at the time. FI can't afford to take that trip, even if he had childcare during that time.  Again, more from the groom about him disappointing him, not being able to rely on him, etc.  FI offered to host a poker game one evening at his home for the group, something they have done before and enjoyed, that he can afford to do, and truly wanted to do it.  Friend liked the idea.  I was going to make the food for it, and his son would be at his Mom's or grandmother's that night.

The guys decide this past Saturday morning they wanted to do the poker game that night.  Less than 24 hours notice.  Friend offered to have it at his house.  Again, FI cannot work out childcare and has to tell them he can't do it.  More drama... both from the groom (disappointment as a friend, guilt, etc) as well as a total dressing down from the bride about how unreliable and mean FI is being.  FI apologizes, and they have the party without him, again. 

FI tells his friend that since he is so unreliable, he will step down from the wedding party and just attend as a guest, since he is such a disappointment to him. Friend did not ask him to do this, this was FI's doing.  Now he is upset and depressed, and is afraid the guys won't stand up for him when it's our turn.  He is very upset.

I think the friend could have given him more notice of the parties, and be way more understanding of his situtation.  FI says this is all typical and it really is his fault that he has ruined these parties.  What do you guys think?  I say Groomzilla.

Re: I think FI's friend is being a Groomzilla... he doesn't think so... (too long)

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    Yeah, he's being a Groomzilla.  No one should pressure anyone else into planning parties they can't afford.  (But why aren't you able to watch his son during the poker game?  What about his son's mother?  Just curious.)  
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    I think all men handled things poorly.

    But I think the burden rests on your FI if he wasn't explicit about the childcare situation and his own finances.  He needs to say, "I'm so sorry but I just can't get a sitter on such short notice," and as for the bachelor party a,"I hate to do this but it's just not something that I can swing."

    It also sounds like he may have over-reacted a bit.  Just like when a bride comes on here and complains about a BM, it's often a friendship situation that she needs to address and a heart to heart is in order.  In this case, I think your FI may have handled it in a rather passive-aggressive manner.  "If you don't like what I'm doing then FINE!  I just won't do ANY of it!"

    Most guys aren't great communicators, but if he can go back, I'd call up the friend and say, "Dude, do you have any time this week that we can talk over a few beers?"

    If the groom doesn't understand the issues after your FI explains them then I totally agree - he's being a huge groomzilla.  However your FI should also be someone that isn't flying off the handle about stuff either.  Ideally, if these guys have been friends for years, they'll come to an understanding after they've had a chance to cool down.


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    BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    First Comment
    edited July 2010
    The guys are being really BS about this.  If they're divorced, presumably a few of them have child visitation/custody issues, and realize these things need to be arranged for. Weird.  Your FI absolutely didn't do anything wrong, and obviously has to put his son first.

    It seems that your FI (if he wants to) may need to have a heart-to-heart with the Groom/guys.  These friends of his are not only not being supportive, they're making a difficult situation worse for their friend - and for no defensible reason. There's no reason for these last minute changes, and as fathers they should understand.  Has he told them what a hard time he's been having?  Maybe they don't know, and are only unaware, not asshats. 

    As a side note, 40-year-olds who feel the need to go to Vegas for a bachelor weekend are lame. Your FI is the good guy. Good luck to you both in this difficult time.




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    BB, those would be logical options, right?  Well, I was working both times (I am sometimes scheduled for night shifts), and the boy's mother refused both times (she only does it when it is ordered by the custody agreement, or is convenient for her, which is never).  FI's parents were also unable to do it, once they were caring for a very ill family member, and once they just said no, but would offer no excuse.  They do take care of him during the days when FI is working, so they already are a big help with him. 
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    I am not surpised, guys don't seem to be as sensitive to each other's financial problems.

    I don't think there is much you or FI can do though. Just be supportive of your FI and he just attends what he is able to for his friend.
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    Gotcha.  I'm sorry if that came across as judgmental, that wasn't intentional, I was just curious.  I still think your FI hasn't done anything wrong, though it might have been best if he'd said why he isn't able to do these things.  I also agree with PPs that a heart-to-heart may be in order, though if your FI and his friends are like my DH and his that's not bloody likely.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    Actually, FI says the Vegas thing never would have gotten off the ground anyway, because none of the other guys' wives would have let them go.  :)  FI really didn't want to go anyway because he's not into that stuff, therefore I didn't need to object about it.  All he really wants for himself is the poker game thing, when it's our turn.

    FI says that this is just how this group does things, always at the last minute, and it usually works out that way.  He feels that if they'd taken time to plan it ahead of time that various things would have come up anyway and it would have ended up being cancelled, so it didn't make sense to plan ahead.

    I am of the opinion that FI did overreact and get emotional about the whole thing, but that the guys, most of whom have known each other since they were kids, therefore know his family and personal situation and could be more flexible and understanding about the whole thing.  The are aware about the job thing, and they knew his ex-wife and supported him through the divorce, so they are well aware of how she is.  They also know his parents, and how they are.

    FI backed out of the wedding party because he doesn't trust that the childcare issues won't come up again, and he doesn't want to commit to being somewhere and then have to back out at the last minute. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_think-fis-friend-being-groomzilla-doesnt-think-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71780982-6725-491f-86ca-7f9e81909f88Post:583fd413-c4c2-463b-903e-352fced36822">Re: I think FI's friend is being a Groomzilla... he doesn't think so... (too long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Gotcha.  I'm sorry if that came across as judgmental, that wasn't intentional, I was just curious. Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    No judgment perceived.  :)  It was a logical question.
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