Bridesmaid Drop-Outs

sboylan

Hang in there--I will give you the short version of my situation:

A year and a half ago, I was in my college best friend's wedding.  She lived out of state, so I made sure that I went to all events (shower, B-party, rehearsal) and even went out every weekend the month before the wedding to help her with things.  She was very demanding, but I adore her, so went with it.  The day of the wedding she said something extremely hurtful about my family knowing that I was having mega problems with my parents.  I sucked it up, but after the wedding we drifted apart.  She called me several months later to apologize and we mended and buried things.

Now, in the time that we weren't speaking, I had met my fiance and we had gotten serious quick.  My BF and I kept each other updated, etc. and she was so excited for me.  When we got engaged, my BF was the first friend I called and of course asked her to be in the wedding and have been planning ever since.

Fast forward seven months later to present day--I just got a call from her two nights ago saying that she doesn't really know me anymore and it's really bothering her...and with money being an issue, she's dropping out of the wedding.  I was totally blindsided and had no idea this was coming.  I was so devastated, aside from loving her, I did everything in my power to be there for her wedding, and even completely dropped the really hurtful things she had done.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else out there would be hurt...I'm the total opposite of a bridezilla and just feel even with that, I still get kicked in the ass...

greenturtlelove

I see what you mean, it's sad that you drifted apart. Is there anyone else you could ask to be in the wedding instead?

MyNameIsNot

Wow, she kind of sucks.  She really took advantage of you, and it's really sad that she re-paid you by saying something mean.

But it looks like this friendship has really run it's course anyway.  Just be happy you found out this way, rather than her saying something else nasty at your wedding.  Sure, you deserve to be sad and mourn the loss of a friendship, but remember, she was never that good of a friend anyway, so maybe you are better off.  

Oh, and don't replace her.  No one wants to feel like a BM understudy.  

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:ea360648-3711-4fc6-a3f3-7e8125a19f69">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:

That is unfortunate.  I do however think she did the right thing in backing out if she didn't really want to partake in the wedding.  Relationships change and if you aren't close anymore then it's better this way.

Take a few days to think it over.  After some R&R you'll see that this was probably the best decision.

This ''advice''
[QUOTE]I see what you mean, it's sad that you drifted apart. Is there anyone else you could ask to be in the wedding instead?
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

NOT GOOD.  No one should ever be replaced.  Uneven sides are quite common and acceptable.  No one wants to feel like a stand-in.

marissa_claire

Aw, I'm sorry she backed out.  I would personally move on from the friendship and consider it ended. 

And no, you do not need a replacement.  No one should be in her place and it's completely okay to have uneven sides.  

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:ea360648-3711-4fc6-a3f3-7e8125a19f69">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]I see what you mean, it's sad that you drifted apart. Is there anyone else you could ask to be in the wedding instead?
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

OP seems to be concerned with losing a friend, not losing a prop in her wedding photos.  Replacing a friend isn't something that humans do.  It sends a terrible message to both the friend being replaced and the friend doing the replacing. 

OP, it doesn't sound like you did anything "wrong" that caused this.  Maybe it is what she says...she feels you've drifted apart.  I'm sorry that you felt blindsided by this.  Did you talk to her at all about what made her feel this way to see if there was any way of mending the friendship?  It sounds like you're upset over the friendship problems and not their effect on your wedding...have you talked to her about this as a friend?  Maybe try calling her and saying "I fully respect your decision to remove yourself from the wedding party, but that isn't even a concern for me when our friendship seems to be faltering.  Can we talk about this?" 

frogurt814

I'm sorry that your friend backed out.  That really sucks.   Ditto PPs.  Do not replace her in the WP.

MyNameIsNot

Psst: Turtle love is a troll.  She's the one advocating that you give someone the "honor" of being the fish checker who can clean the dead fish and/or poop out of your centerpieces.  She's not real.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:ea360648-3711-4fc6-a3f3-7e8125a19f69">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]I see what you mean, it's sad that you drifted apart. Is there anyone else you could ask to be in the wedding instead?
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

<div>Please enlighten me to why she needs to replace her?</div><div>
</div><div>OP, your situation sucks. The best thing is just to leave the spot open and move onto more wedding planning. </div>

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:23b2cd59-57ee-471e-9f5c-49daff4f0d11">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]Psst: Turtle love is a troll.  She's the one advocating that you give someone the "honor" of being the fish checker who can clean the dead fish and/or poop out of your centerpieces.  She's not real.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

There's not much else going on today, though

*pokes the troll*

MyNameIsNot

Ok, do you think this is her FI?

sboylan

Thanks ladies...you are very sweet and helpful.  I was already at 4 BMS and my FI has 6 guys, so I guess we're down to 3 and 6...is that ok?  I am not concerned about numbers at all, which is why we were so uneven to begin with...and I agree, I'm so against asking people just to be "stand ins"...I want my closest gals up there with me...

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:23b2cd59-57ee-471e-9f5c-49daff4f0d11">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]Psst: Turtle love is a troll.  She's the one advocating that you give someone the "honor" of being the fish checker who can clean the dead fish and/or poop out of your centerpieces.  She's not real.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I had a lot of fun over the "fish checker" honor yesterday. Turtle is definitely a troll. Or some reg's carefully crafted AE. She is fun to play with though.

marissa_claire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:1b7b6e1a-1adb-4f83-bb7b-03cf814bab59">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs : I had a lot of fun over the "fish checker" honor yesterday. Turtle is definitely a troll. Or some reg's carefully crafted AE. She is fun to play with though.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Might have been the most entertaining day ever yesterday.  I kind of want to encourage her.  Is that bad?

</div>

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:33f57091-e594-4add-b620-2fbe5f06a7a4">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]Why can't I see the troll?  I feel very left out.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Turtle love whatever up there is the troll.  She's really fun, though.  I'm leaning more toward AE than troll at this point, because she's exceptionally good at saying precisely the wrong thing in every possible situation.  I think she's KA. 

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:9cc3a7e1-30f5-4f29-bafa-fbc1f68378e0">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]Did she delete her post though?  I can't see it, and I checked back after the first person quoted her.  Others have quoted her since then, and yet, I still don't see her post.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


Oh.  So none of my details helped you.  I suck.

I can still see her post.  Maybe she's part of a breakdown I'm not aware that I'm having yet.  I'm going to be really pissed off if turns out that she's the hidden half of my personality, when Edward Norton landed Brad Pitt as his. 

gottahavashorti

Stage, it's the first response in the thread.

OP, based on what you've said, it doesn't sound like she was a very good friend.  It sucks that she dropped out and it's fine to be disappointed, but I think this drifting friendship will be in your favor in the long run.

Ghoti

I can see it, she hasn't deleted it or anything...

MyNameIsNot

I wonder if you've ignored her somehow?  Can you see her other posts on other threads?

Cynthia1207

OP I think 2 guys for 1 girl will look very pretty so you shouldn't be concerned at all.

Stage: She's posted in a couple of threads.  The one in M&M is the one she started and it's pretty entertaining.  Also in Registering she started one about a Honeymoon registry and she posted in the Reception ideas-Fish.  For some reason I can't copy/paste the links  

Ghoti

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_fish
She's the post under OOTmother
Here's all her posts-
http://forums.theknot.com/SearchByPoster.aspx?MembershipID=4191244192187323&username=greenturtlelove

marissa_claire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:20966ad9-3635-4042-b31a-37c71c8d268e">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]OP I think 2 guys for 1 girl will look very pretty so you shouldn't be concerned at all. Stage: She's posted in a couple of threads.  The one in M&M is the one she started and it's pretty entertaining.  Also in Registering she started one about a Honeymoon registry and she posted in the Reception ideas-Fish.  For some reason I can't copy/paste the links  
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, what is up with not being able to paste links lately?  It's been driving me nuts.  </div>

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-outs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71fc180b-d162-49d7-88e8-8b8bc97017bePost:45fbf4c8-2993-4973-9240-825a6d8e19e4">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Drop-Outs : Might have been the most entertaining day ever yesterday.  I kind of want to encourage her.  Is that bad?
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

With the amount of time I spent warning others not to take her advice on other threads, I began to feel like Van Helsing.  Still close enough to Halloween for that right?

futurepivko

i'm sorry that happened. you sound like a really great friend, who is devastated over the loss of a friendship, and not the fact that you are down one bridesmaid.

i agree with ditto PP. dont replace her. no one wants to feel like they were a replacement.

keep your chin up!

Habs2Hart

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It's really difficult to lose a friend.  Perhaps one day you'll become friends again.  Tell her your sorry she can't be in the wedding party, but you understand the monetary strain.  Say you would be happy if she comes to the wedding and leave it at that.  Ball in her court.

Have the girls walk down with a guy on each arm.  It will look great and I'm sure the girls won't mind!