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Sticky Situation...

I'm in a tight spot...

One of my bridesmaids is my groom-to-be's twin sister. We met a year before I met her twin, about 9 years ago and were very close throughout high school and into college. However, while we were once close, we had a pretty rough falling out about a year and a half ago. Despite that, and though he and her are not close, my fiance wanted her in the wedding, as my brothers and sister are in our WP. I was fine with that; I didn't argue or care... until...

She takes every open opportunity to try to embarrass me, make hateful statements, or cause a rift between a member of her family and I. It is to the point where at our engagement party, his mother didn't say a word to me. She (the twin sister) has to maintain a specialized diet because of a medical condition, and I made accomodations for her and she made comments like, "Oh that's what you got? I prefer XYZ." "You know I can eat plain old XYZ." When we went dress shopping, all of my BM's came with me. She sat in a chair and frowned. She made one comment about the one dress that I said - before I tried it on - that I didn't like -- she said it was her favorite. She told her mom that I was very rude about her opinion. If I say anything to my fiance, he gets upset, because he is very close to his parents and they are very protective of his sister. (Yes, it is all this petty!)

At one point, she was friends with almost all of my bridesmaids (most of us went to highschool together.) In fact, she was "best friends" with one for 10 years, but she blew everyone off. They have tried to "play nice", but they are growing tired of her attitude as well.  It's sad, and sometimes I feel bad for her. Most of the time, however, I'm just pissed and don't want her in the WP. I don't want to discuss it with my BM's because I don't want to "add fuel to the fire", so to speak.

I'm just looking for advice? It's a particularly tough situation, because after the wedding, she will not be my fiance's sister -- she'll be my sister-in-law. Help??

Re: Sticky Situation...

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    I'm sure I don't have to tell you that booting her from the WP will just add fuel to the fire, will give her a reason to hate you, and will not be dealing with the bigger issue in all of this.  So I won't.

    I do think it's telling that your FI gets upset with YOU every time you tell him that his sister is being rude to you.  That could mean one of two things: 1) these are really minor things that you blow out of proportion, or 2) it is a real issue, and he's chosen a side--and it isn't yours.  I don't think either one is healthy.

    Bottom line: Relationship issue.  You need to work this out with FI before you marry him.  Because you're right--this doesn't end after the wedding.  He needs to be on your side in this, and I worry that he isn't.
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    edited October 2010
    Well you can't kick her out. It will hurt your relationship with her, your Fi and your future in laws. Just keep her in the wedding and don't talk wedding with her. Only ask her opinion if you really want it or you are fully prepared to take whatever she says to heart. Just avoid her as much as possible.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sticky-situation-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:720053ca-0665-48fb-9b08-8ba7c6f50fbePost:0c2d370e-995e-4629-80ce-690c64238df7">Sticky Situation...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm in a tight spot... One of my bridesmaids is my groom-to-be's twin sister. We met a year before I met her twin, about 9 years ago and were very close throughout high school and into college. However, while we were once close, we had a pretty rough falling out about a year and a half ago. Despite that, and though he and her are not close, my fiance wanted her in the wedding, as my brothers and sister are in our WP. I was fine with that; I didn't argue or care... until... She takes every open opportunity to try to embarrass me, make hateful statements, or cause a rift between a member of her family and I. It is to the point where at our engagement party, his mother didn't say a word to me. She (the twin sister) has to maintain a specialized diet because of a medical condition, and I made accomodations for her and she made comments like, "Oh that's what you got? I prefer XYZ." "You know I can eat plain old XYZ." When we went dress shopping, all of my BM's came with me. She sat in a chair and frowned. She made one comment about the one dress that I said - before I tried it on - that I didn't like -- she said it was her favorite. She told her mom that I was very rude about her opinion. <strong>If I say anything to my fiance, he gets upset, because he is very close to his parents and they are very protective of his sister. </strong>(Yes, it is all this petty!) At one point, she was friends with almost all of my bridesmaids (most of us went to highschool together.) In fact, she was "best friends" with one for 10 years, but she blew everyone off. They have tried to "play nice", but they are growing tired of her attitude as well.  It's sad, and sometimes I feel bad for her. Most of the time, however, I'm just pissed and don't want her in the WP. I don't want to discuss it with my BM's because I don't want to "add fuel to the fire", so to speak. I'm just looking for advice? It's a particularly tough situation, because after the wedding, she will not be my fiance's sister -- she'll be my sister-in-law. Help??
    Posted by jen2187[/QUOTE]
    My advice to you is to reconsider your marriage to a man who gets upset with you when you approach him about how his sister is treating you.  This will not change after the marriage and you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being second with the person who should be putting you first.  Your problem is much bigger than a simple matter of who should be in your WP. 
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    Kicking her out of the wedding party will just make things worse, because she'll still be a member of your family after the wedding. It's not the same as cutting ties with a friend.

    She sounds like a complainer. So stop expecting her to come along to pre-wedding events ... don't ask her to go bridal gown shopping with you, give her the option to pick out a bridesmaid's dress on her own, and don't take it personally if she doesn't come to the shower or bachelorette. And if she DOES go to those events and complains, ignore her and steer clear of her. Don't let her get to you, because that's clearly what she's trying to do - get a rise out of you.

    Why did you FMIL refuse to speak to you at the e-party? No offense but I find it really hard to believe that she just decided to ignore you and you were 100% innocent here. Things usually don't work that way. Did you say or do something to either her or FSIL? Either that, or like Babling said, you're blowing it out of proportion (maybe FMIL was entertaining other guests and just never got around to chatting with you).

    And ditto Babling again about where your FI stands in all this. Does he just stand there quietly while his sister rips into you? What has he said about all this? I'd be more concerned about how HE is dealing with this situation, rather than what FSIL is doing to you.

    Regardless, all you can really do is limit your time around FSIL, and then be the bigger person when you ARE around her ... smile, be polite (or at least civil) and don't get sucked into an argument or a pouting contest. Just brush it off as her being a cranky person.
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited October 2010
    I'm relieved to hear that :)

    Then you're going to have to learn to not let this bother you.  It isn't easy; I went through this with my own sister (who was my MOH) and there were some days when I just wanted to tell her off and kick her out.  I never did.  I cannot tell you how happy I am that I kept it together, and 15 months after the wedding I don't sit here moaning that my sister wasn't nicer to me.  I'm relieved that I didn't do anything on my end to further strain the relationship.  

    Take the long view--you need to learn how to manage her.  This goes beyond the wedding and will still be an issue afterward, so you might as well develop some coping skills.  And maybe some thicker skin; it can't bother you if you don't let it.

    ETA: And while your FI is "upset" by the relationship, he still needs to stand up for you when this happens.  Whatever he's doing, he isn't doing enough to be a buffer against her behaviour.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    I'm sorry, but I have a totally different opinion.  Maybe I'm not as wise as the rest of you or i've just got a totally different mind set, but when I think back to my wedding, look at my wedding pictures, and remember the events associated with my wedding I wouldn't want such a negative person being there. She'll be in every picture showing how much she hates having to be there. I would honestly go talk to his parents, tell them everything from beginning to end, talk to your man about it being a serious problem, and lastly talk to her. Say, "hey this is suppose to be a happy time in my life and it seems you aren't happy being apart of this wedding. Are you sure you want to celebrate this time with us including all the events leading up to it? If not, it's not going to hurt my feelings b/c I don't want to look back as having so much turmoil surrounding my wedding. I'm sorry things have worked out the way they have, but if you don't want to be here, I don't want you around either."
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    Meredith: Booting her from the WP is only going to make FSIL worse by giving her a legitimate reason to be upset.  Right now OP can take the high road, but if she boots her she's stooping to FSIL's level and upping the drama.  It sucks, but she's going to have to suck this up and learn to deal with this girl.  She's still going to have to see this girl long after the wedding, and FSIL is apparently the kind of gal who holds a grudge, so the worst possible thing OP can do is give FSIL what she wants, which is to be booted from the WP and get sympathy from everyone in the family.

    Keep in mind that the wedding is a beginning, not an ending.  Believe it or not, you don't look at your wedding photos too often after you get married, and a lot of life is lived after the wedding.  Don't screw up the marriage (and your relationship with your FI's family) for the sake of wedding photos.

    Finally, the reason I'm specifically disagreeing with you is not to make you feel bad or to tell you you're wrong.  It's just that almost every time someone posts a situation like this, one person gives the advice you give.  I won't call it wrong, but it is short-sighted.  Often, the OP wants someone to validate her POV and will follow the one person who says, "Boot her--it's worth it."  I'm hoping OP will reconsider that since this is her future family and people will hold something like this against her (even if would feel really satisfying in the short-term to tell this girl off, I guarantee she'll regret it in the long-term).
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    I really like your way of thinking, DavidandAmy :)
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
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    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
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    My brother was being a pill leading up to the wedding, and got into some stupid Facebook drama with DH.  So I asked him if he'd be okay switching to my side, under the guise of balancing for the girl on DH's, but really to limit the extent to which DH had to deal with him.  I told him that I didn't expect them to be best friends, but I did expect civility; both were more than happy to comply, and there was no more drama or tension.

    So my vote is, if both you and your FI agree, he approaches her and says, "I know you and Jen have been having issues lately, and I was wondering if you'd be more comfortable standing on my side.  I still really want you up there, and I think this way will just be better for everyone."  No blame given, all phrased to make it sound like it's really for her benefit, everyone wins.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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