Might not be there

amber2123

My FI and I have a BM/GM couple who live in another state.  Recently they hit a patch of financial difficulty.  They are now unsure if they can make it.  Everytime we ask we get "Well see, we're trying".  How am I saposed to aproach this subject?  For religious reasons we need four BM and GM in our wedding(Pagan, four corners, four elements).  We have another couple, but haven't said anything to them for fear that the first might make it.


Question two, is it okay for my BIL to be my FI's BM and escort my MOH, and one of the GM escort BIL's wife as one of my BM?  I'm not close enough with my FSIL for her to be my MOH, but FI wants his brother to be his BM 

frogurt814

Can you afford to pay for the couple to come to the wedding?  If not (and this is the ONLY ONLY ONLY time I would ever give this advice) inform the other couple that you might need them to stand in on your wedding day if the other couple can't make it.  I only give that advice because you said it is required that you have 4 on each side, and by required, I mean actually required, and not you just saying "I have OCD and things have to be even blah blah."

As for your BIL not escorting his wife, that's fine.  It's not a big deal.  We had a married couple in our WP, and they did not walk together out of the ceremony because they weren't lined up in the same spot.  We organized our WP in alphabetical order, so they just happened to not be lined up.  No biggy.  It was like a 5 second walk out of the church.

bablingbrooke

The word you're looking for is "supposed" and not "saposed".

Don't pressure them, just continue with planning and they'll let you know when they know.  Unless you're getting married next week, you don't need to get a final WP count yet.  

ETA: Don't know how I missed the "We actually do need 4 for the ceremony" part.  I think it would be fair to say, "Since we need a specific number of people for the ceremony we need to know by X date if you can make it.  Our feelings won't be hurt if you can't be there but we do need to know."  Or something along those lines.

aerinpegadrak

Are you eloping with only these four present?  If not, I think it's perfectly fine to ask the second couple to be on standby, since this is an actual role that needs to be filled instead of just an honorary position.  Then if the first couple can make it, the second would just be guests (though maybe given a small token of appreciation, like a bottle of wine or something, for being willing to help out). 

If you are eloping with only these four guests, then it's trickier.  In that case, I think the best thing would be to do everything in your power to help them get there.  I covered most of the travel costs for the MOH and one of the other BMs because they couldn't afford it, and I didn't know until three days before if they were going to make it.  They don't have to travel in style (said girls received gas money and one night in the cheapest non-terrifyingly-sketchy hotel I could find nearby), anything you can do can be a huge help.

This may just be semantics, but are they just considered bridesmaids and groomsmen in the ceremony, or do they have another title?  I'd certainly be much less offended to be asked to be a backup reader/gift bearer/whatever (since these roles have to happen, depending on the ceremony) than to be a backup bridesmaid (since that role doesn't).

suze423

You still have almost 5 months to go.  A lot can change with one's financial situation in 5 months.  Agree with PPs that you should put the other couple on stand by and give the first couple a deadline to give you a final yes/no.

DavidandAmyClark

I would ditto Booke's edit. I would ask on a certain date and if they still don't know just gently inform them that you need to have your ceremony set, and you will ask the other couple to perform the role.  And the friends are welcomed as loved guests of course!!

mbcdefg

Offer to help them out financially if you can. And if you have any requirements other than the outfits (special shoes, jewelry, pro hair and makeup, etc.) please relax those so that they are not required to pay for them.

Can you just ask any guests that day to fill in those two roles, if your friends cannot make it? Can your parents stand in their places?

Manwaithiel

What role do these people play other than standing up there with you and this "four corners" thing? Do they actually participate in the ceremony? Is there anything special they're supposed to do besides just stand there? Is it considered an honor for them to be chosen to do this?

If it is an honored title and there is really no other significance other than having four people is good luck and all that, then I'd say, no, you shouldn't replace them. But I don't really understand what you're talking about yet, so I can't really say.

amber2123

They have to "call" a corner.  That means that they have to invite the spirits associated with that direction to join us.  It's an important job and takes time to teach someone who has never done it how.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_might-not-there?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7218d1ec-b9f6-4f39-89ff-fc9699e34e4aPost:2aca2596-e266-4fd6-a3eb-c12c34a73c39">Re: Might not be there</a>:
[QUOTE]They have to "call" a corner.  That means that they have to invite the spirits associated with that direction to join us.  It's an important job and takes time to teach someone who has never done it how.
Posted by amber2123[/QUOTE]

Like PPs said, offer to help out with travel arrangements if you can.  If that's not possible, tell them that you really need to know if they will be able to make it by a certain date.

Manwaithiel

That makes sense then. Do as PPs tell you.