Only Child with way tooo many Friends/Family

maibrandnew

Hey everyone... I have an issue. I've asked those close to me... but would appreciate some outside opinions.

Wedding's a year away. I have 4 Godsisters, 2 Cousins, and numerous friends, that I am close to for different reasons. In the bridal party. I have my best friend as my Maid of Honor, a life long friend/like family as my Matron of Honor (and I was just in her wedding as her Maid of Honor a few weeks ago), then... two cousins, two 3 godsisters, and another life long friend as my bridesmaids.

Dilemma...
How do I tell my other godsister that I do not want her in the wedding. Reason... financially I don't think she will be capable and because I feel as though she intentionally tried to sabotage the wedding I was just in (she was the Matron of Honor and SEVERELY slacked on her duties).

Also, I have one friend who is like a sister, however she & I got close through a prior relationship (we were both involved with brothers, neither of us are with them). And I have another friend who thinks because we have been life long friends that she is automatically in the wedding. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but the wedding party is already large enough....

Advice please

aerinpegadrak

One of my friends is a broke grad student, so I made it so that she didn't have to spend a dime to be in the wedding (other than travel/hotel).  She owned a dress that fit my requirements and suitable accessories, she did her own makeup, I paid for her hair, and there wasn't a bachelorette party or a shower. 

I think it's really shallow to say, "Everyone else in your family is in the wedding, but you can't be because you aren't going to throw me a good enough party."  Because that's what it boils down to.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-child-way-tooo-many-friendsfamily?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:72e8961c-09e0-4c3c-b89b-615b52fae961Post:b711274f-df26-452e-9273-346eb1283d85">Only Child with way tooo many Friends/Family</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone... I have an issue. I've asked those close to me... but would appreciate some outside opinions. Wedding's a year away. I have 4 Godsisters, 2 Cousins, and numerous friends, that I am close to for different reasons. In the bridal party. I have my best friend as my Maid of Honor, a life long friend/like family as my Matron of Honor (and I was just in her wedding as her Maid of Honor a few weeks ago), then... two cousins, two 3 godsisters, and another life long friend as my bridesmaids. Dilemma... How do I tell my other godsister that I do not want her in the wedding. Reason... financially I don't think she will be capable and because I feel as though she intentionally tried to sabotage the wedding I was just in (she was the Matron of Honor and SEVERELY slacked on her duties). Also, I have one friend who is like a sister, however she & I got close through a prior relationship (we were both involved with brothers, neither of us are with them). And I have another friend who thinks because we have been life long friends that she is automatically in the wedding. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but the wedding party is already large enough.... Advice please
Posted by maibrandnew[/QUOTE]
Your reasons for not including your godsister is flimsy at best.

What duties could she possibly have slacked on that would make you think she intentionaly tried to sabatoge your wedding?

Pick the people who are closest to you and ask them. Don't base it on their financial status or how long you've known them. Just base it on who you want to be standing near you on your wedding day. Everything else is irrelevant.

And you should never tell people why they didn't make the cut. You're having a wedding, not holding auditions for a play.

artbyallie

Can someone please explain to me what a "Godsister" is? Is this the daughter of your godparents or what?

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-child-way-tooo-many-friendsfamily?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:72e8961c-09e0-4c3c-b89b-615b52fae961Post:25d8c0cb-ab1f-412f-a45f-24d984d2c5de">Re: Only Child with way tooo many Friends/Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Only Child with way tooo many Friends/Family : I suspect that a godsister is the daughter of your godparents.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

I was guessing either this or the Godchild of your parents.. which I guess boils down to the same thing, just from the other side.

MyNameIsNot

1) WP don't have duties.  The sooner you get that silly notion out of your head, the better.  If your WP offers to do things for you, it is because they love you and want to give you gifts, not because some magazine someplace says they are supposed to.

2) Don't include or exclude anyone for financial reasons.  Their financial circumstances are none of your business, and unless they tell you they can't afford it, it isn't for you to judge.  Of course, the good bride asks her BMs for budget for anything they have to pay for, so it is easy for them to be BMs even if they are on a tight budget.

3) The only question you should be asking yourself when you decide who to ask is whether or not you consider this person one of your closest friends.  Who would you call to help you get rid of a body at 3am?  If she's on that list, ask her.  If she's not, don't.  If that means 8 people, you have 8 people.  If that means 2 people, you have 2 people.  Numbers don't matter.  People. do.

aerinpegadrak

I also have to wonder how she "sabotaged" the other wedding.  Did she try to talk the groom out of it?  Trip the bride on her way to the altar?  Poison the officiant before the ceremony?  Set the bouquet on fire before passing it back to the bride?  Any of those would be sabotage.  Choosing not to throw pre-parties, assist with planning, go along quietly with dress selection, or pretend that the rest of the BMs are her new best friends would most definitely not be sabotage.  So unless it was the former, I think that choice of words is extremely overdramatic.

deb84

So if that's what a Godsister is these are people that she isn't even related to?    In that case ask who you want...but don't tell people why they didn't get asked.  Also rethink our idea of what BM do.  They do not work for you.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-child-way-tooo-many-friendsfamily?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:72e8961c-09e0-4c3c-b89b-615b52fae961Post:e0a2a023-a6d2-4fde-b153-c14eb255508a">Re: Only Child with way tooo many Friends/Family</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>So if that's what a Godsister is these are people that she isn't even related to?  :/ </strong> In that case ask who you want...but don't tell people why they didn't get asked.  Also rethink our idea of what BM do.  They do not work for you.
Posted by deb84[/QUOTE]
No, but they are probably related to each other.  Hence the issue.

maibrandnew

Hey everyone. Thanks for your input.

This issue of my godsister.... Her best friend and my cousin got married this month and she & I ironed out the details and laid out the expenses for everyone. She made plans for the bridal party & left all of the responsibility on me for the bachelorette party and everyone else. The week before the last day to order the dresses, she told me that she could not get her dress and that she was goin to take herself out of the wedding. I being a sensitive person I am, did not want money to be the reason for her not being in her best friend's wedding, so I offered to pay for her dress. At that time I felt like she should have said that she had no money to do anything, but yet & still she mentioned nothing. The bachelorette party, she did nothing, the week before the wedding she decided to say she wasn't staying at the hotel or getting her makeup done, or her hair. Fast forward to the wedding, she ended up getting her makeup done with everyone, however she was late and made the entire ceremony an hour late. At the reception, she was anti-social and left early. I understand finances are an issue, however the wedding planning began a year prior and she had ample time to speak up. If I include her, I am not going to be happy but at the same time I don't want to her hurt her feelings. And if I exclude her, she's going to want to know why.

As far as a bachelorette party for myself, I've already told everyone I didn't want one. So that isn't an expense. I have 2 godsisters for whom my mom was their god mother the other 2 are the daughters of my godparents. And this godsister, I haven't mentioned the wedding to her.

bablingbrooke

The WP isn't obligated to stay for the whole reception.  They're guests at the reception and are free to leave whenever they want.  And it was wrong for the last bride to demand she do pro hair and makeup without paying for it herself.

If you don't want her because you don't want her there as a person, don't ask her.  But if it's just the money that's keeping her out, that's awfully telling of your character.

maibrandnew

In her case, they were duties because she required them of everyone else, and then ended up being the only one not coming through. Basically with a do as I say, not as I do attitude. I don't agree with someone dishing duties and not following them themselves. And although she isn't required to stay for the reception, she mentioned to no one, not even the bride she was leaving so she was MIA for photos. So not only money... attitude as well.

maibrandnew

And as far as the time to arrive at the hotel was explained several times, including the night before... 9am... she stayed 10 mins away from the hotel and showed up 90 mins late

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-child-way-tooo-many-friendsfamily?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:72e8961c-09e0-4c3c-b89b-615b52fae961Post:36cef809-42b9-4eff-8271-2fc5ca06191f">Re: Only Child with way tooo many Friends/Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In her case, they were duties because she required them of everyone else, and then ended up being the only one not coming through. Basically with a do as I say, not as I do attitude. I don't agree with someone dishing duties and not following them themselves. And although she isn't required to stay for the reception, she mentioned to no one, not even the bride she was leaving so she was MIA for photos. So not only money... attitude as well.
Posted by maibrandnew[/QUOTE]
I disagree that she was obligated to do those things because the bride said so.  That's not a fair attitude--an engagement ring doesn't give you the right to tell others how to spend their money.  They aren't duties, they're things a selfish bride thinks she's entitled to.  I'll raise a metaphorical glass to you not going down that same path.<div>
</div><div>It's also VERY possible (even likely?) that she left early because she didn't like the way the bride was treating her.  Frankly, if I was told to spend that money and got crap for it from others, I might feel like bailing too.<div>
</div><div>I think you'll regret not asking her because of how she behaved at a wedding where she was, frankly, disrespected.  Friendship is a two-way street--treat them nicely, they'll treat you nicely.  If you respect your BM, she'll respect you.  That means that you don't make her spend money on things like makeup and hair and get her budget before picking a dress, and she in return doesn't do things to piss you off.  If either of you violates that arrangement, the other person can get legitimately upset.</div></div>

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-child-way-tooo-many-friendsfamily?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:72e8961c-09e0-4c3c-b89b-615b52fae961Post:96a0735d-9604-455b-a0c6-49bc2abe1c8f">Re: Only Child with way tooo many Friends/Family</a>:
[QUOTE]And as far as the time to arrive at the hotel was explained several times, including the night before... 9am... she stayed 10 mins away from the hotel and showed up 90 mins late
Posted by maibrandnew[/QUOTE]
Seriously--you are grasping at straws here.  It's kind of sad that you're going to such great lengths to avoid asking her.  And you're awfully judgmental of someone you claim to really like.

maibrandnew

All of the plans for the bridal party were made by her. The bride played a passive role, leaving everything to the maid and matron of honor. I don't see how she was disrespected when she was the one who told everyone what the plan was and we all agreed. I'm going to ask her but, really hoping she says no. There's a lot of tension and anomosity surrounding her anyways. If she were not my godsister, I wouldn't even consider her. So... I guess I answered my own question.

And as far as her showing up late, everyone was upset including the bride. She offered no explanation, only that she didn't remember the time.

To Stage Manager: I'm far from childish or immature. I simply don't want conflict, but it is my wedding not hers. So... it is what it is.

maibrandnew

So... I asked her and her response was; how much is the out of pocket expense and wanted to know who else was in the wedding. Not sure why that mattered either way, but... I extended the offer. No hard feelings but I appreciated everyone's insight. It helped a lot.