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Dropping Out of the Wedding Party

I'm a bridesmaind in a wedding that is less than a month away.  I'm thinking of dropping out of the wedding because I don't believe the bride is committed to marriage.  I think she just wants a wedding.  She continually talks to a former love and hides it from everyone.  She actually changed his contact information in her phone so that when he calls or texts, it will come up under the name "Lisa."  She missed a flight back home to her fiance because she was at a bar with her ex.  If she is not physically involved with the ex, she is at least emotionally involved.

I'm married and take marriage very seriously.  She is getting married in a church and I don't feel comfortable standing up at the alter and witness her say vows that I don't believe she has any intention of keeping.

There has also been numerous occasions while she has been with her fiance where people have suspected she has cheated on him.  Continually places herself in circumstances with men that seem shady and then lies about where she was and who she was with. 

Additionally, she has always been a pathological liar.  Makes up stories about people she has met and things she has done or adopts others stories and places herself in them.  They used to be harmless stories and I would just ignore them.  However, within the past year to two, she has started lieing about everything.  She lies about the job she has.  At this point, I know I will not be able to be friends with her in the future. I've reached the point where I just can't deal with things like this.  I honestly can't believe a single thing she says.

What are your thoughts?  Should I drop out of the wedding?  I think it would be worse to stay in when I have no intention of being a part of her life in the future.  If so, what do I say?

Re: Dropping Out of the Wedding Party

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    If you don't agree with the marriage, then you shouldn't stand up there. You also might want to try to talk to your friend about all these issues before deciding to break off the friendship.

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    If you feel that this is worth ending a friendship over (and I really can't blame you), then I don't see the problem in telling her that you can no longer be friends with her and therefore you're dropping out of the wedding and won't be talking to her again.

    If you would still be friends with her and would be attending the wedding as a guest, then I don't see any point in dropping out of the bridal party. This is one of those "all or nothing" deals ... I don't think there's any justifiable way to say, "I don't support you enough to be your bridesmaid, but we can still hang out and I'll come to the wedding anyway!" Either MYOB and let her deal with the consequences (and don't rely on her for anything), or tell her to her face that you've had enough and bail out.
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    I understand what you are feeling. I have a friend who did several immoral things that I just couldn't support. We had been starting to grow apart a bit in addition to the fact that I just lost respect for her.

    If you are ready to end the friendship, I would suggest stepping down.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dropping-out-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73083324-cbd8-482b-bec6-0617d2fe133bPost:c796f01a-426f-4cc9-b1d1-9d0d2bced376">Re: Dropping Out of the Wedding Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you feel that this is worth ending a friendship over (and I really can't blame you), then I don't see the problem in telling her that you can no longer be friends with her and therefore you're dropping out of the wedding and won't be talking to her again. If you would still be friends with her and would be attending the wedding as a guest, then I don't see any point in dropping out of the bridal party. This is one of those "all or nothing" deals ... I don't think there's any justifiable way to say, "I don't support you enough to be your bridesmaid, but we can still hang out and I'll come to the wedding anyway!" Either MYOB and let her deal with the consequences (and don't rely on her for anything), or tell her to her face that you've had enough and bail out.
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Can I co-sign this?

    </div>
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    Agree with malphabet.

    just as kicking a BM out of a wedding will end the friendship, dropping out has the potential to do the same thing -- especially if it's your personal opinions, rather than circumstances (money, time) that make you decide not to stand up with her.
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    I voted yes. But first I would have a talk with her and  I would be direct about how I feel and how I see her behavior.
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     Morality wise, I would step off. Talk to her first though becuase she is making her bed to lie in it. Personally I would tell her to tell her fiance becuase its not fair to him so all truth is on the table, and if she denies to tell him or denies it to your face, shes lieing to you too and i'd slaughter the friendship right there....

    I would be thinking the same thing if I were in your shoes. I have a "friend" right now that is cheating on her husband over and over again...and wants me to attend the ceramony where they are renewing their vows in the church...i'm not going.
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    I would talk to her about the issue first. And then if you feel like ending the friendship and dropping out of the wedding is the right thing to do (I don't blame you at all) then do it. But I think she deserves a reason why you are dropping out. Try not to accuse her of things, but just let her know you know what she is up to and how you feel it is not okay.
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    Thanks for all the advice!  I'm feeling better about my decision now.  When I first found out she was talking to her ex, I talked to her about it and she said that would be the last time they spoke.  This was the time she missed her flight home.  She said it was a goodbye type of situation.  Well, two weeks later was when I found her talking to him and saw that she had put his contact info as someone else.  Again, it was she was just having a bad day and needed someone to talk to.  I basically told her that if your fiance is not the person you call in a tough situation or bad day, then that probably isn't the person you should marry. 

    I've had every sit down talk imaginable with her and she always promises to change or explains how it is all just a misunderstanding.  I just needed to make sure I was doing the right thing.  Sometimes when you are too close to a situation, it is hard to be sure.  Thanks all!
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    You used "always" a lot. Im assuming this means before she got engaged and asked you to be a BM. If you thought of her this way, why did you even accept to be in her WP?
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    It used to only be about stupid stuff and it was so outrageous it was easy to just ignore until she came back down to earth.  It was like she didn't think regular life stories were interesting enough.  But one on one she always had been honest and could just talk to you about going to the gym or walking the dog.  Now, she has made up having a job as an attorney (when she has not passed the bar - which she also has been lying about) when she is really waiting tables.  Honestly, I don't care what she does for a living but I do care that she can even be truthful about fundamental things. 

    I just found out about her talking to the ex (again) last weekend (at her bachelorette party) and it was just too much.  I think it pushed me to really look at who she has become and decide that that's just not someone I want to know or have in my life.  Maybe I'm just getting too old to put up with the drama :)
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    She doesn't sound like that great of a person. Icky icky poo. What she's doing is not only immoral, but really unfair to herself and her FI.
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    If you honestly believe that something is up with her and her ex I think you maybe owe it to her FI to tell him your suspicions.   I mean, I'd be devastated if a groomsman in my wedding knew that FI was cheating on me, was bothered enough by it to DROP OUT of the wedding, but never told me what was going on.  If you're ending the friendship anyway why not help this guy out before making the biggest mistake of his life? 

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