Wedding Party
Options

Wedding Party Choices?

I just got engaged and am starting to think about the attendants at the wedding.  So my question is how you all decided on your attendants, advice you have about picking them, how you asked them, and if you regretted anything later and why.  I just want to hear stories!!!

Re: Wedding Party Choices?

  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:74337dd5-95c5-44d2-83ec-db649cec5089Post:1302bd88-2cb5-478f-9035-a1acc3ae69e7">Wedding Party Choices?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just got engaged and am starting to think about the attendants at the wedding.  So my question is how you all decided on your attendants, advice you have about picking them, how you asked them, and if you regretted anything later and why.  I just want to hear stories!!!
    Posted by kmulligan86[/QUOTE]

    <div>Congrats on your engagement. First of all, everyone here is going to tell you (including myself) to wait until at least October 2010 to ask your bridal party. A lot of girls come to this board regretting asking too early. Friendships change and people are always trying to find a polite way to kick a bm out or demote them....there is no polite way to do it, so it's best to wait until you're closer to your date to know that the girls you pick are definitely the correct ones.</div><div>
    </div><div>I picked my girls based on who I was closest to. Not geographically. You should pick the girls who you would call at 3 in the morning to cry about your dog that just died. Don't pick people just to fill a spot. And sides don't have to be even. So if your fi only has 2 friends and you have 5, it's all good. Also, sides can be unisex, so if you have a guy friend ask him. Got a brother? He can stand on your side. This goes for your fi's side too.</div><div>
    </div><div>As to know I asked, I just called them. A lot of newbies come here asking how to ask to make it special, but honestly, the best part is just being asked. After my bms said yes, I sent them a nice heartfelt letter.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also, one more important thing about picking bms....bms are not required to help you plan, so please ask your friends, not those that can help you plan the most. The only person required to help you plan is your fi. You can always ASK for help, just don't expect your friends to be all gung ho about it.</div><div>
    </div><div>Those are a couple of the basics of asking bms. Remember to always ask them about their lives. I know that sounds like an obvious thing, but as brides I think we all forget sometimes that most people aren't in the process of planning a wedding. </div><div>
    </div><div>Happy planning.</div>
    image
    Sunbonnet or cone of shame? You be the judge! Trixie's Blog
    My Planning Bio
    My Married Bio updated March 4
  • Options
    I waited until I was just about a year out (11 mos for one BM) and then I asked.  My close friends at 26 (when I was engaged) are still my closest friends now at 30 although I do have a few more :-).

    All the people in the wedding party lived an hour or more away from us so if we didn't have the opportunity to see them privately in person, a phone call was made for the purpose of asking.  It was perfect IMO.
  • Options
    Who would you call at 3am to help you bury a body?  That's your wedding party.  The only thing that matters is that you select your very closest friends.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Options
    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited May 2010
    I asked maybe 10 months out.

    I asked my sister to be Maid of Honor, because we get along well and also because it's kind of a "given" in my family. I asked my friend from high school to be a bridesmaid, because we hang out a lot and we've always been close.

    I thought about a couple other people, but then I realized that although we get along really well, we've never hung out solo ... we only get together when our significant others are with us. I found myself really thinking about it and trying to convince myself to ask them (mostly because I like them, but a bit was to "flesh out" the party because at first I thought only two attendants would be weird), but I decided not to ask if I was doubting it.

    I think it was a good decision. And only having two BMs was a breeze, because it kept flower/gift costs low and because it made it easy to pick out dresses and coordinate makeup appointments and stuff.

    Oh, and I wanted my brother in the wedding party as well. If DH hadn't wanted to make him a groomsman, I would've asked him to stand on my side ... but DH was happy to have him as a groomsman. And we didn't intend to have even sides, but it worked out that way because I have two siblings and we each decided to ask our closest friend. We honored another friend by asking her to do a reading, and we asked family members to do the other readings and bring up Communion (Catholic ceremony).
    image
  • Options
    Wait until ten months out.  Then call the people you can't imagine not having stand next to you on wedding day.

    Don't choose based on:
    Symmetry
    Gender
    Where they live
    What they will do for you  (ie wedding planning/executing "tasks")
    What kind of pre-wedding parties they will throw

    Keep in mind always that a WP's "duties" start and end with the ceremony.  They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully for the ceremony, and smile for the pictures.

    They DO NOT have to:  attend bridal dress shopping expeditions, attend venue searches, attend tastings, attend bridal shows, make favors, address envelopes, stuff envelopes, make CPs or STDs, Chauffeur friends and family around.  They do not have to plan/throw/attend showers or b-parties.  They do not have to decorate halls or clean up after reception.  They do not have to plan your honeymoon.

    Any of the above might be something that a friend would VOLUNTEER to do for you.  But don't expect them to.  Don't demand that they do.  Ignore "Bridesmaid Duties" lists you'll see on The Knot, in Wedding magazines, on on TV shows or other websites.  You'll be happier and so will they.

    Good luck, and congratulations on being engaged.

    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Options
    We got engaged about six months out, so we asked our party as soon as we could. FI had difficulty narrowing his choices and it was really stressing him out since he didn't want to hurt anyone. So I suggested that we each have one attendant and that's what we did. For logistical purposes, we decided on good friends who are local to us.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Options
    It isn't just that you might regret your choices.  There's not a lot for the bridesmaids to do until you hit about the nine month mark, so they're just going to get burned out, especially if the bride (not you, just in general) is expecting them to be excited 24/7 for over a year when nothing that concerns them is happening.  It creates a situation with a very high drama potential, even among people with good relationships.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Options
    Honestly, it's been amazing to see on this board just how common it is for lifelong or 10+ year friendships to drift during a long engagement.  I wish I would have waited longer to ask my BMs, there probably would have been a couple additional BMs but once the WP had been established for a year and they weren't new friendships, it seemed like it would be strange to have waited so much longer to ask them.
  • Options
    One of my friends asked me to be a BM, recently.  She said "I'm asking everyone I'd want to be with me in a Chilean earthquake."  I thought it put it into perspective.  Ask the people you would call in an emergency, or who you would need to call immediately if something great happened.  

    And like PP said, wait until about 8-10 months away from the wedding to ask anyone.  

    Stick around here and read some of the stories for a few weeks if you question the wisdom of that one.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards