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MIA bridesmaid... advice please!

Ok, so she's not toally MIA, but I'm getting the impression that she's not really into 'helping' me, and worse, not into helping the wedding party - which she's a part of!

It seemed to began when the date for the stag & doe was selected. The date conflicts with her birthday, and her and her significant are going out of town to celebrate and will be unavailable to attend.  Unfortunately the date had to be selected based on the availability of myself and the groom and other thing in our lives, so that was the best possible date.  I was a little disappointed that they could not make it (he is also our MC for the wedding), but understand completely.

Now it has become:
- not selling tickets for the stag & doe
- not participating in the planning of the stag & doe (ignoring emails, etc.)
- not attending social get togethers for the birdal party to get to know each other
- not really asking me anything about my wedding planning

I know she is a very busy girl, but am I in the wrong to assume that she should be contributing in some way, at least in the planning of the stag & doe?
She is usually such a great friend to me, and I had no doubts (initially) about her being in the wedding party, but did I make a mistake?
Now my bridal party is looking to me for a resolution, and I have no idea how to approach this with a positive ending (intact friendship and wedding party member).

I welcome all opinions and advice to help me see my way clearly to the other side of this.

Thanks!
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Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!

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    edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:32221fa6-3f49-4e1a-b3a4-c32de9244003">MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, so she's not toally MIA, but I'm getting the impression that she's not really into 'helping' me, and worse, not into helping the wedding party - which she's a part of! It seemed to began when the date for the stag & doe was selected. The date conflicts with her birthday, and her and her significant are going out of town to celebrate and will be unavailable to attend.  Unfortunately the date had to be selected based on the availability of myself and the groom and other thing in our lives, so that was the best possible date.  I was a little disappointed that they could not make it (he is also our MC for the wedding), but understand completely. <div>
    </div><div>Now it has become: </div><div>- not selling tickets for the stag & doe </div><div>- not participating in the planning of the stag & doe (ignoring emails, etc.) </div><div>- not attending social get togethers for the birdal party to get to know each other </div><div>- not really asking me anything about my wedding planning </div><div>
    </div><div>I know she is a very busy girl, but am I in the wrong to assume that she should be contributing in some way, at least in the planning of the stag & doe? She is usually such a great friend to me, and I had no doubts (initially) about her being in the wedding party, but did I make a mistake? Now my bridal party is looking to me for a resolution, and I have no idea how to approach this with a positive ending (intact friendship and wedding party member). I welcome all opinions and advice to help me see my way clearly to the other side of this. Thanks!
    Posted by heatherbeale[/QUOTE]</div><div>[/QUOTE]</div><div><div>Your bridesmaids do not have to help you plan your wedding, stuff envelopes, plan you parties, go shopping with you, or go to bridal shows with you. </div><div>
    </div><div>ALL a bridesmaid has to do is show up on the day of the wedding in the dress, walk down the aisle, stand quietly for the ceremony, and smile for pictures. That is it. Anything extra they choose to do is just icing on the cake.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also: It is beyond rude to charge admission for a party in your honor. Beyond rude.</div></div>
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    SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
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    edited May 2010
    Yes you are wrong to assume that. Being  a BM is an honor, not a job. As long as she is stillyour firend in other aspects of your life, then she has done nothing wrong. Your wedding will never be as important to other people as it is to you.

    I'm gonna be silent on the tackiness of fundraising for your wedding because apparently its a regional thing, but maybe she thinks its tacky too and doesn't want to be involved in it. That's her choice.

    And she doesn't have to get to know the other bridesmaids. I stand next to strangers all the time and it doesn't bother me. I can't imagine why it would bother her to not know them.

    Just let her be and stop trying to frame your entire friendship (and life) in terms of your wedding.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:32221fa6-3f49-4e1a-b3a4-c32de9244003">MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, so she's not toally MIA, but I'm getting the impression that <strong>she's not really into 'helping' me, and worse, not into helping the wedding party - which she's a part of!</strong> It seemed to began when the date for the stag & doe was selected. The date conflicts with her birthday, and her and her significant are going out of town to celebrate and will be unavailable to attend.  Unfortunately the date had to be selected based on the availability of myself and the groom and other thing in our lives, so that was the best possible date.  I was a little disappointed that they could not make it (he is also our MC for the wedding), but understand completely. Now it has become: - <strong>not selling tickets for the stag & doe - not participating in the planning of the stag & doe (ignoring emails, etc.</strong>) - not attending social get togethers for the birdal party to get to know each other - not really asking me anything about my wedding planning I know she is a very busy girl, but am I in the wrong to assume that she should be contributing in some way, at least in the planning of the stag & doe? She is usually such a great friend to me, and I had no doubts (initially) about her being in the wedding party, but did I make a mistake? Now my bridal party is looking to me for a resolution, and I have no idea how to approach this with a positive ending (intact friendship and wedding party member). I welcome all opinions and advice to help me see my way clearly to the other side of this. Thanks!
    Posted by heatherbeale[/QUOTE]

    1) She's not obligated to help with your wedding.  If you want someone other than your FI to help plan your wedding, you have to pay that person.  Your bridesmaids are not unpaid employees. 

    2) God forbid she go to her birthday party rather than your wedding fundraiser.

    3) I'm guessing you're new, but stag & does and jack & jill parties are generally frowned upon here, so you're probably not going to like the majority of the feedback you receive.

    My advice to you would be: to stop nagging her about working for your wedding, and let her enjoy her birthday.  I'm sure (at least, I hope I'm sure) that you picked her because she's your friend, not because you thought she'd be hopping all over the place to do favors for your wedding.
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
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    So, basically, you're upset that she doesn't want to do work for a party that she won't be attending? Especially when that "work" involves hitting other people up for cash?

    And you're upset that she's not attending get-togethers for people that she's not required to be friends with and that she may never see again after your wedding is over?

    And you're upset that she's not paying enough attention to the planning of a wedding that's (a) not hers, and (b) is still six months away?

    Please take a step back and re-read your post, and these comments, and really think about what you're saying here. Because your post basically boils down to, "I'm upset because my friend is not paying enough attention to me and my wedding." What would you think if someone else was saying this?
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    Ditto PPs. I don't have the energy for this.
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    Is this a joke? 
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    salt78salt78 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:32221fa6-3f49-4e1a-b3a4-c32de9244003">MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]at least in the planning of the stag & doe? 
    Posted by heatherbeale[/QUOTE]

    <div>Why would she help you plan a party that she's not even coming to?</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:f424c662-2830-412c-b0dd-c8a73ff87c71">Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto PPs. I don't have the energy for this.
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

    This.
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    Wait, what? You're selling tickets for your party? I don't get it, you're charging people to come to your party? How rude. I would boycot the party and probably the wedding just on principle. Pay for your own damn wedding.
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    [QUOTE]Ditto PPs. I don't have the energy for this.
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]
    I'll third this.  You have a bride problem, not a MOH problem.
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    salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:604614d1-19d4-4177-803d-58a952a04442">Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wait, what? You're selling tickets for your party? I don't get it, you're charging people to come to your party? How rude. I would boycot the party and probably the wedding just on principle. Pay for your own damn wedding.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    <div>As crazy as it may sound to us, Stag & Does are actually really common in other countries. Methinks the OP is not American.</div>
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    There is indeed someone very, very wrong in the scenario you described.  It's not your BM.  Want to guess who it is?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    I would refuse to sell tickets for a party, too, especially if I wasn't going to be able to attend.

    Ditto the others 100%.  Someone in this situation is causing major drama, and it's not your bridesmaid.
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    Trix: JINX!
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    I guess I wasn't aware of so many differences between the way that I have participated in weddings in my life time (planning stag & does, showers, bachelorettes) - and the way that it may be for others.

    For me (perhaps it has something to do with my area and the way I was raised), a bridesmaind contributes in a variety of way to assisting the bride in planning and pulling off the wedding and sudry other items during the course of the engagement.  I've been in a few weddings myself and this was the routine.  Perhaps it is usuaully the case when the couple cannot afford the additional cost of a planner.
    I would like to think that the way I have been while in bridal parties of my good friends and in life in general, typically a good friend is often there to lend a hand when one is in need of support.

    Let me clarify:
    - I would never expect a friend to break plans for my event, and do have a sense of reality that my life should not be more important than her own.

    - I don't want my inner thoughts to spoil my friendship with a good friend, thus why I posted for feedback to get my head wrapped around whether it was something I had done to offend her, if I was over reacting, or something I couldn't think of...

    - I did not realize that stag & doe were 'tacky', as it is so common where I am, based on personal preference and need of course - yes, sometimes couples are in need of assistance to put on a great event for friends and family.  Usually it's used as a get together for a variety of friends and family to celebrate (and yes fundraise) for the wedding event.

    Thank you, I appreciate you all taking the time to share your thoughts
     to help me understand why I might be getting the cold shoulder from my friend.

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    And, no, I'm not American.
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    Since they are your close friends, BMs often pitch in but you should not be requiring it.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:7e30ce56-6948-4647-891d-47c837ecfe92">Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess I wasn't aware of so many differences between the way that I have participated in weddings in my life time (planning stag & does, showers, bachelorettes) - and the way that it may be for others. For me (perhaps it has something to do with my area and the way I was raised), a bridesmaind contributes in a variety of way to assisting the bride in planning and pulling off the wedding and sudry other items during the course of the engagement.  I've been in a few weddings myself and this was the routine.  Perhaps it is usuaully the case when the couple cannot afford the additional cost of a planner. I would like to think that the way I have been while in bridal parties of my good friends and in life in general, typically a good friend is often there to lend a hand when one is in need of support. Let me clarify: - I would never expect a friend to break plans for my event, and do have a sense of reality that my life should not be more important than her own. - I don't want my inner thoughts to spoil my friendship with a good friend, thus why I posted for feedback to get my head wrapped around whether it was something I had done to offend her, if I was over reacting, or something I couldn't think of... - I did not realize that stag & doe were 'tacky', as it is so common where I am, based on personal preference and need of course - yes, sometimes couples are in need of assistance to put on a great event for friends and family.  Usually it's used as a get together for a variety of friends and family to celebrate (and yes fundraise) for the wedding event. Thank you, I appreciate you all taking the time to share your thoughts  to help me understand why I might be getting the cold shoulder from my friend.
    Posted by heatherbeale[/QUOTE]

    I've heard of stag & doe fundraisers.  I know they're traditional in your area.  But traditional doesn't always mean good.  (I married into a family that ALWAYS did a dollar dance.....until our wedding, because I refused)

    Anyway, I digress.  I was raised, and raised my children to understand that you don't ask other people to fund a party for you.  And that's what a reception is.  It's a party after the ceremony.

    Receptions can be huge expensive blow-outs, or they can be more moderate celebrations.  The key here for us, and our entire circle of friends is that  you plan for the wedding you can afford and pay for.  You don't, don't, don't hold a fundraiser for a 4 hour party.

    As for the WP:  their "duties" start and end with the ceremony.  All they have to do is wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures. 

    They DO NOT have to do any pre-wedding planning, executing, or (shudder) fundraising.  They DO NOT have to throw or attend pre-wedding parties.  If they CHOOSE to, fine.  But it's not required.

    Just because you CHOSE to do those things, doesn't mean that you can hold others to the same standards. 

    If she's your friend, you should be thrilled that she'll be standing next to you during your ceremony.  But everything else:  not at all necessary.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:7e30ce56-6948-4647-891d-47c837ecfe92">Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess I wasn't aware of so many differences between the way that I have participated in weddings in my life time (planning stag & does, showers, bachelorettes) - and the way that it may be for others. For me (perhaps it has something to do with my area and the way I was raised), a bridesmaind contributes in a variety of way to assisting the bride in planning and pulling off the wedding and sudry other items during the course of the engagement.  I've been in a few weddings myself and this was the routine.  Perhaps it is usuaully the case when the couple cannot afford the additional cost of a planner. I would like to think that the way I have been while in bridal parties of my good friends and in life in general, typically a good friend is often there to lend a hand when one is in need of support. Let me clarify: - I would never expect a friend to break plans for my event, and do have a sense of reality that my life should not be more important than her own. - I don't want my inner thoughts to spoil my friendship with a good friend, thus why I posted for feedback to get my head wrapped around whether it was something I had done to offend her, if I was over reacting, or something I couldn't think of... - I did not realize that stag & doe were 'tacky', as it is so common where I am, based on personal preference and need of course - yes, sometimes couples are in need of assistance to put on a great event for friends and family.  Usually it's used as a get together for a variety of friends and family to celebrate (and yes fundraise) for the wedding event. Thank you, I appreciate you all taking the time to share your thoughts  to help me understand why I might be getting the cold shoulder from my friend.
    Posted by heatherbeale[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Yeah, I KNOW that often-times bridesmaids will throw a shower and bachelorette party for the bride and help her in a number of ways. That doesn't mean that your friends become your wedding slaves just because you ask to honor them by standing next to you while you say your vows.</div><div>
    </div><div>Some friends don't have extra money, some may be busy, some may just not be all that "in" to wedding planning. And that is OKAY! People do you favors and help you with things because they want to. If you were moving to a new house, some of your friends might volunteer to help you move, other you may ask for help. Some may help, some may not. If your friend doesn't help you move (for whatever reason), does that make her a bad friend? No. It just means that she had a prior commitment, or had a lot of things to do, or it would be a financial hardship to travel to where you are if she doesn't live in the area, or maybe she has a bad back and can't move large items. The bottom line is that this does NOT make her a bad friend.</div><div>
    </div><div>The same goes for your wedding. Many of your friends will volunteer to help you out. Others you might ask for help. Some will help, some won't. The ones who don't are NOT bad friends. If anything, if would be crappy of you to EXPECT that your friends are suddenly going to drop everything to be your wedding slave. It is fine to ask, but if the person says no, don't get mad at them just because YOU would have said yes. You are not them.</div><div>
    </div><div>And as for the Stag-and-Doe, yes, I've heard of them and know what they are. That doesn't make them any less rude. Common does not equal polite. What if people everywhere started cutting in line or stopped flushing the toilet, would that make it okay, because everyone is doing it? </div><div>
    </div><div>When you decide to invite people to a party, whether it is a dinner party in your home, or a wedding reception, you are agreeing to host these people--at your expense. That doesn't mean that you need to provide dinner (as long as it isn't dinner time), it doesn't mean that you need to provide alcohol (as long as you aren't charging guests for their drinks), and it doesn't mean you need a super long guest list. What it means is that for whoever you invite to your party, you will be providing the food, drinks, and entertainment. You don't ask for other people to pay for it for you. That is just rude. Yes, even in your country, it is rude.

    </div>
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    Yes, these are all helpful perpectives - thanks again all...

    I have known friendships to fail completely because someone assumed they should have been on the (small) guest list, and was not.  We have managed to get our list to around 150, with including lists from our parents.

    Many of my friends are friends because we share similar values, and normally this is a friend that I am rather candid with (and visa versa) - so again, am I missing something?  She has never spoke up in a negative way against stag & does or anything in reagrds to helping me out along the way.

    All this said - I am planning my own wedding head to toe. Which is very common in my region.  We are paying for it ourselves (also very common), and whatever people can and wish to contribute along the way - with no expectations - is wonderful and greatly appreciated.

    I'm not sure what your expectation is for gifts at your own wedding?
    Anything? Nothing? Gifts? Cash?  We aren't expecting anything, as it's not standard.

    Standards, tradition and ettiquette is hard to juggle at times I guess...
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    It's generally advisable to plan an event you can comfortably afford to host w.o having to solicit funds from other people (i.e. your guests).  Also, not everyone hires a wedding planner. I don't know a single person who didn't plan their own wedding...then again, they kept things to a level they could manage themselves, and for what it's worth all the ones I have been to (with no pro planner help) have been beautiful, fun events.

    Also, don't view your friendship through the eyes of your wedding. I don't know what it is with wedding planning, but some girls get so worked up over events and things leading up to the wedding that they forget that BMs were friends long before they were ever members of the wedding party. Keep it in perspective - she's a friend first, BM second and you'll be fine. Keep your expectations low and realistic - yes, people have busy lives of their own, which you recognize - and be gracious for what she does offer to do.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:a535672e-674f-4559-b2cd-e0d4ba88a9f9">Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, these are all helpful perpectives - thanks again all... I have known friendships to fail completely because someone assumed they should have been on the (small) guest list, and was not.  We have managed to get our list to around 150, with including lists from our parents. Many of my friends are friends because we share similar values, and normally this is a friend that I am rather candid with (and visa versa) - so again, am I missing something?  She has never spoke up in a negative way against stag & does or anything in reagrds to helping me out along the way.[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You don't need to wonder why she isn't helping. Just let it go. Maybe she disagrees with Stag-and-Does, or maybe she is just busy, or maybe she doesn't think she should help with a party that she can't even attend. Either way, it doesn't matter, just let it go.
    <div>
    </div><div>[QUOTE]All this said - I am planning my own wedding head to toe. Which is very common in my region.  We are paying for it ourselves (also very common), and whatever people can and wish to contribute along the way - with no expectations - is wonderful and greatly appreciated. I'm not sure what your expectation is for gifts at your own wedding? Anything? Nothing? Gifts? Cash?  We aren't expecting anything, as it's not standard. Standards, tradition and ettiquette is hard to juggle at times I guess...
    Posted by heatherbeale[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>The expectation of gifts is that you never expect them. That means that you don't mention anything regarding gifts on the invite and you don't include registry info with the invite, etc.</div><div>
    </div><div>You DO have an expectation of gifts, cash gifts, to be exact since you are actively selling raffle tickets to fund your wedding. If selling raffle tickets isn't an expectation of contribution, I don't know what is. If you really weren't expecting contributions, then you wouldn't have a Stag-and-Doe and you wouldn't be selling raffle tickets. Then, if someone wished to give you cash or gifts, it would really be because they gave a gift <em>without</em> the expectation there from you. Would you hold a fundraiser to fund a birthday party? No? This is the exact. same. thing.

    </div></div>
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    If the bride allows people (her attendants or otherwise) to approach her about doing stuff for the wedding, then those people are helping because they genuinely want to, and will enjoy doing it, because it was their idea.  If the bride expects or demands the same favors, it becomes a chore, and something people do because they have to, not because they want to.  No one is saying that bridesmaids shouldn't help out, just that they shouldn't feel forced or guilted into it.

    And no one should ever expect a gift of any sort, for any occasion.  That's what makes it rude.
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    Also, it is very common for the couple to pay for the wedding & reception themselves at the present-day. I am paying for my own, and everyone I know is paying for everything, or nearly everything, themselves. Also also, I don't have a wedding planner, and neither does anyone else I know.
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
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    I'm not sure what you're asking, then.

    You're aware that this girl is celebrating her birthday on the same day as your stag & doe, and you're also admitting that you don't expect her to drop everything in her life and help you plan your wedding.

    If the only real gripe here is that she's not involved in planning the stag & doe, and she's otherwise a good friend to you, then I'd drop it. A lot of people don't want to put in time or money for a party they cannot attend, even for a close friend.

    I also don't see why it's necessary to try and get your attendants to meet up and become friends before the wedding. I get what your intentions are, but I think these get-togethers are unnecessary. Perhaps everyone else feels the same way but doesn't want to speak up or refuse to attend them. I would personally feel very awkward if I was asked to spend time with other bridesmaids I didn't know, outside of the rehearsal dinner and bridesmaid dress shopping, and maybe an engagement party.

    Your wedding is still six months away, correct? A lot of bridesmaids, even the ones who are very supportive of and excited for you, don't get excited about the plans that far in advance. My bridesmaids and friends would occasionally ask me how things were going during the engagement, but I think that was mainly to be polite. I'd give a quick recap of what I was up to at the time, and then we'd go back to talking about everyday stuff. The person who was most interested in talking about my wedding was a lady at work whose daughter was getting married shortly after I was. Because it was a common interest for her.

    If she's otherwise a good friend, and if your friendship is like it always was, I would forget about all this. If you feel like the friendship isn't what it used to be and if she's acting differently (WEDDING ASIDE), then maybe invite her out for coffee and ask if something is bugging her. Don't bring up the wedding, don't bring up anything about her not participating in pre-wedding plans, etc. Ask if SHE is O.K.

    And please remember that there is a HUGE difference between being interested in your wedding plans versus being supportive of you and your marriage. Some people just aren't into weddings, for a number of reasons. Doesn't mean that they don't care about you.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:a535672e-674f-4559-b2cd-e0d4ba88a9f9">Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, these are all helpful perpectives - thanks again all... I have known friendships to fail completely because someone assumed they should have been on the (small) guest list, and was not.  We have managed to get our list to around 150, with including lists from our parents. Many of my friends are friends because we share similar values, <strong>and normally this is a friend that I am rather candid with (and visa versa) - so again, am I missing something?  She has never spoke up in a negative way against stag & does or anything in reagrds to helping me out along the way. </strong>All this said - I am planning my own wedding head to toe. Which is very common in my region.  We are paying for it ourselves (also very common), and whatever people can and wish to contribute along the way - with no expectations - is wonderful and greatly appreciated. I'm not sure what your expectation is for gifts at your own wedding? Anything? Nothing? Gifts? Cash?  We aren't expecting anything, as it's not standard. Standards, tradition and ettiquette is hard to juggle at times I guess...
    Posted by heatherbeale[/QUOTE]

    Just because she doesn't voice her opinions about stag and does doesn't mean that she is ok with them.  That being said, if this is out of character for her, then just TALK to her.  Not about your wedding.  She's your friend first, BM second.  Many people make the mistake of thinking that reasons = excuses, and many times, that's just not the case.  If someone can't do something, it doesn't mean they are using it as an excuse. 

    Many brides here (including myself) planned and paid for our weddings ourselves.  Plan the wedding that you and your FI can afford without selling tickets to a fundraiser.  If people OFFER to help, either with money, time, or services, then simply say Thank you and accept the offers graciously. 

    As far as expectations for our own wedding, we simply wanted to get our friends and family together and celebrate with them. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:32bf332a-b4b1-430d-b439-342bae440b4f">Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MIA bridesmaid... advice please! : [/QUOTE] Your bridesmaids do not have to help you plan your wedding, stuff envelopes, plan you parties, go shopping with you, or go to bridal shows with you.  ALL a bridesmaid has to do is show up on the day of the wedding in the dress, walk down the aisle, stand quietly for the ceremony, and smile for pictures. That is it. Anything extra they choose to do is just icing on the cake. Also: It is beyond rude to charge admission for a party in your honor. Beyond rude.
    Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

    you all sound like robots.. the same phrases.. stuff envelopes.. show up.. etc.. is this some kind of cult
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mia-bridesmaid-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:76483984-ce6e-4661-b5ee-79e5decfc1a8Post:32bf332a-b4b1-430d-b439-342bae440b4f">Re: MIA bridesmaid... advice please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MIA bridesmaid... advice please! : [/QUOTE] Your bridesmaids do not have to help you plan your wedding, stuff envelopes, plan you parties, go shopping with you, or go to bridal shows with you.  ALL a bridesmaid has to do is show up on the day of the wedding in the dress, walk down the aisle, stand quietly for the ceremony, and smile for pictures. That is it. Anything extra they choose to do is just icing on the cake. Also: It is beyond rude to charge admission for a party in your honor. Beyond rude.
    Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

    sorry but i feel like I am having deja vu and just read this somewhere else or in another topic.. wth
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    Peony, you probably did just read this because good, solid advice doesn't change much from one almost identical post to the next.
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    When you answer the exact same question roughly half a dozen times per day, yes, the answers do become a bit pat. And part of the reason that everyone here gives the same advice is because most of us are married, and that advice works.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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