How do i not offend friends with my choice of MOH?!? HELP!

Heartme

I have a large family and a lot of friends that i would love to have in my wedding party however i cannot have everyone so i am already cutting out 4 of my closest girl friends. My BIGGEST problem is that i am having my sister as my main Matron of Honor but i really want to have my best friend that lives close to me that i see and hangout with all of the time as my MOH with my sister. My problem is that i am the MOH in my other best friends wedding that lives in another state and i dont want to offend her by not having her as my MOH but i am closer with my friend that i see everyday. HELP! How do i go about this? Do i just have my sister or is there a way that i can have my best friend too without offending my other friend that lives out of state?

saisongbird

Ok - step one - take a step back from the situation and BREATHE.

Step two - You have time to think on this.  DO NOT choose your attendants until Summer 2010 at the earliest.  It's clear that you're excited right now but friendships can change over time, and you are still a year and a half away from your wedding. You might think that this is silly advice now, but it will help you in the long run. There are far too many posts on this board of "how do I unask a BM?"  These happen because brides ask people too early to be in their party.

Step three - MOH is not a tit-for-tat sort of thing.  My best friend is my MOH. However, she's getting married before me and I'm not her MOH - her sister is.  I'm not insulted at all.  Don't make anyone a "main" matron of honor or a "secondary" matron of honor - THAT, to me, is an insult.  Make her a BM.

Step four - Remember that being invited as a guest to the wedding is an honor as well.  If you really can't choose, make your party smaller and cut down the number of attendants, if you're that concerned about hurting people's feelings.

MyNameIsNot

Do not start asking people to be attendants until about 9 months before your wedding.  Relationships change, people move, and wedding plans change.  Once you've asked someone, you can't un-ask them.  If you read this board, you'll find tons of stories of people who lost contact with a close friend or became really close with a casual acquaintance and feel stuck.  Additionally, people get bored and lose excitement.  If you wait, they'll still be excited over having been asked when it's time to pick out their dresses. 

When it comes time to ask, just ask your closest friend to be MOH.  If you want to avoid picking, asking a sister is a good way out.  But it's ok to have two MOHs, and it's ok to not ask someone to be your MOH even though you were theirs. 

SarahPLiz

Ditto PPs. Wait to ask. Also, reciprocation of MOH duties is not necessary. I was MOH in my friend's wedding, but my sisters are my MOHs and I decided not to have any BMs. Said friend is not at all offended.

mbcdefg

Ditto PPs ... WAIT to ask anyone to be in the wedding, much less to be MOH.

When the time comes ... I would personally just have your sister as MOH. Friends will understand. I don't think it's worth it to have the friend as a co-MOH, because it's essentially a meaningless, one-day title. And ditto PPs, having a "main MOH" will be more of an insult than anything else.

Although you're entitled to have whoever you want as MOH. Like PPs said, you don't have to make someone your MOH just because you were hers. If people have a problem with that, then they're too wrapped up in titles and all that b.s.

My vote - just have your sister as MOH. And if you feel that another friend is particularly helpful or kind during the planning process, write her a heartfelt note of thanks, and/or take her out to dinner one night. I think that would mean more to someone than bestowing an essentially meaningless title upon her.

bablingbrooke

MOH should be a knee-jerk reaction.  If you can't pick your MOH in 4 seconds or less, you're using the wrong criteria.  So don't overthink it.  Everyone will understand having your sister as MOH.  As for the other friend as a co-MOH, the other girls can put on their big girl panties and deal with it.  You don't owe anyone an explanation for why they aren't MOH.

But please wait until you have less than a year to go.  Your plans or relationships may change and you don't want to find yourself stuck in a situation that there's no easy way out of.  If people ask, just tell them you haven't picked the WP yet and change the subject.

PDXMartha

don't feel bad that you don't have someone as MOH in your wedding, just b/c you were MOH in theirs.
I've been MOH in 2 weddings; neither of them are in my wedding party.  One of them won't be invited to my wedding (there was some drama with her wedding. Seriously, girls, don't be *that* high maintanence, demanding, selfish bride who feels that bridemaids aren't spending enough money or that throwing yet another shower - b/c it was requested - was not good enough. It can and will ruin friendships!)

Everyone's scenerios are different.  Don't feel like you have to explain yourself.  Just make a decision.

I feel like mine was easy:  my twin is my MOH, our sister is a BM, my SIL is a BM and my FSIL is a BM.  All my sisters are my bridesmaids.  I l ove it!
No one questioned me having one sister be MOH over another sister.
I don't feel bad at all that I was MOH for someone who've I've been close friends with for 16 years, just 6 months ago.  For one, she has no sisters; if she wanted BM, she had to pick friends.  Her only girl cousin was a Jr BM as she is 12.  Like I said, everyone's situation is different.

Future.Mrs.Carter

So you said your sister is the Matron of honor, is your best friend still unmarried. You could always have her listed as the Maid of honor and just have a Matron and a Maid. You could spin it this way, you have one who's already there in the land of the married and the other to help you appreciate things as they never will be again.

Remember you can't have everyone though. Don't choose people based on expectations. Only ask the people who mean the very most to you. Of course you care about them all and they are important to your life but if you follow that logic for choosing the BP then you'll have every person at your wedding up there with you. Let some of them be guests.

kmm2150

Have your sister as you MOH, everyone else is a bm.  done. It is, at least at every wedding I've been too, normal for there to only be one maid or matron of honor, and everyone esle is a bridesmaid.  Are there going to be two best men, a single one and a married one? probably not.  Your relationship with your sibling is completely different from that with anyone else in the wedding party, so just use that as the easy cut-off.  I have been a bm in weddings where the sister was the moh, and then that bride was MY moh, no feelings hurt - if they are truly your friends and older than 13, they should not care one bit that your sibling gets top billing.