am i horrible and mean?

mrscarrasco2b

i have a pretty conservative family so I'm paying close attention to small things so i dont offend anyone (dresses arent revealing, clean dance music, etc.). well one of my bridesmaids keeps getting large (poorly done, homemade) tattoos -recently one on the side of her neck and a huge one across her chest. I would like to find a way to cover them. I'm going to have our stylist put her hair in a low side pony to cover that one, and as for the one on the chest....instead of all the girls wearing the same dress, do same length and color with different necklines. she walked into my house yesterday with purple hair!!!! We've been friends for 15 years and this just started with her. I ,in a funny way, told her last night that purple isnt one of my wedding colors! I'm pretty sure I can talk to her about it without her getting offended, i just dont want to hurt anyones feelings.

trix1223

Did you choose your friend to stand with you on your wedding day for her appearance or what's in her heart and soul?

elmulvey

I am not so sure you have the right to control her looks...so I dont know about horrible and mean, but I think you are for sure in the wrong. 

cad5033

i don't think you're being that horrible.  if she's known you that long and knows your family, she might already be planning to tone things down for the wedding. the best way to sort things out is to talk about it.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-horrible-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:77e2b014-3e32-4f2f-a327-329eb31ce95bPost:59e0dc0c-44ac-494a-a91e-1c93a2c6b388">am i horrible and mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]i have a pretty conservative family so I'm paying close attention to small things so i dont offend anyone (dresses arent revealing, clean dance music, etc.). well one of my bridesmaids keeps getting large (poorly done, homemade) tattoos -recently one on the side of her neck and a huge one across her chest. I would like to find a way to cover them. I'm going to have our stylist put her hair in a low side pony to cover that one, and as for the one on the chest....instead of all the girls wearing the same dress, do same length and color with different necklines. she walked into my house yesterday with purple hair!!!! We've been friends for 15 years and this just started with her. I ,in a funny way, told her last night that purple isnt one of my wedding colors! I'm pretty sure I can talk to her about it without her getting offended, i just dont want to hurt anyones feelings.
Posted by mrscarrasco2b[/QUOTE]

Horrible and mean? No. Out of line? Yes.

You are entitled to your beliefs, as are your family members. And you're entitled to choose your friends. But you are not entitled to tell your friends how to look. If this girl were overweight, would you get mad at her for looking "wrong" for your wedding? What if she had braces? Or just a haircut you didn't like - would you make her change that? Hair color and tattoos are personal decisions. They express who she IS. If you don't like that, then stop being friends with her. If you do, then you don't have to like her appearance, but you have no right to ask that she change or cover it.

And frankly, if you think HER choices will reflect poorly on YOU in front of your family, then you either have a serious self-esteem problem, some pretty crappy family members, or both.

mrscarrasco2b

I just dont think a huge tattoo that says sexy bitch across the chest is appropriate in front of my 98 yr old catholic great-grandmother

aerinpegadrak

I'm pretty sure Grandma has seen tattoos before, and is aware of the existence of curse words.  Don't hide your own judgment behind your family.

ETA: Oh, and don't dictate their hairstyles.  Wearing a "low side ponytail" would drive me up the wall, and I guarantee I'd be wearing my hair down the second pictures were done (and maybe even before).

emilyinchile

Well then why did you bother asking? If your mind is made up, run along and do whatever you want, and don't make people here waste their time trying to prevent you from offending your friends.

If profane tattoos aren't allowed in the place where you're getting married (ie. some churches), then you have a case for asking her to cover that particular tattoo. Otherwise what I said stands.

jessicarabbit501

If you're wedding is in a church then her tattoo is 100% inappropriate and you need to tell her that it has to be covered up.  Other than that, you and her just need to talk it out.  If the tattoos aren't permanent, I'm not sure what's the big deal here?  Can't she just wash it off?

jessicarabbit501

oops, i didnt see that the tattoo is permanent.  ignore what i said about washing it off...

suz62984

If you think you can talk to her than do so; however you are pretty out of line thinking that you can control how she wears her hair. I agree that Sexy Bitch across the chest probably wouldn't give the best impression in a Catholic church.
If she declines to cater to your requests than your family will just have to deal with it.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Her tat says sexy bitch?

I can forgive tattoos and actually I'm against covering them - I don't care who you are.  But sexy bitch!?  I've given advice on the whole "can I ask my bridesmaid to cover her tattoo" thing before and my answer is usually no, unless the tattoo is vulgar.  Other tats, no - but sexy bitch?  You may have a case.

The purple hair thing is interesting though.  I will not face that with my girls, so I can't be sure how I feel about it.  One of our groomsmen has really shaggy, not long but kinda shaggy and messy hair - but I wouldn't dream of asking him to change it.  It's who he is.  He told my fiance that he plans on getting a hair cut for our wedding.  My fiance told him he didn't have to - but I guess he insists.  It's nice of him to do that, definitely, but it's not required.

Another thing I tend to think is this: while I know I can't control hair styles or tattoos that people in my bridal party choose to have, I know that I would never get a "sexy bitch" tattoo on my chest in plain sight of who would be wedding guests, nor would I dye my hair purple, before being a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding.  Then again - that's just me.

mrscarrasco2b

aerin- thats not the case at all, i have tatoos, just where thay can be covered so i'm not judging at all.And yes, im sure shes heard curse words too, but that doesnt mean I'm going to be blasting lil wayne at the reception. its just a repect thing to the older more conservative ppl.but thank you for your input

emily- you're hateful....i give your marriage 3 years. unless he has no spine at all-then he's your dream!

emilyinchile

Hateful? Because I don't think you get to tell your friends how to look and don't understand why you'd ask for advice if your mind is already made up? I haven't said anything remotely rude to you, so that's certainly a new definition of hateful. And stooping to the "I feel sorry for your H" line is just lame.

gottahavashorti

The only appropriate thing of those would be asking her to cover the tattoo that has profanity in some way if it is a church wedding, but leave how to cover that up to her - high cut dress, cardigan, hair, a big necklace.

Other than that, yes, you are out of line.

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-horrible-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:77e2b014-3e32-4f2f-a327-329eb31ce95bPost:1d645bdf-2694-4156-a710-88678217e48f">Re: am i horrible and mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]aerin- thats not the case at all, i have tatoos, just where thay can be covered so i'm not judging at all.And yes, im sure shes heard curse words too, but that doesnt mean I'm going to be blasting lil wayne at the reception. its just a repect thing to the older more conservative ppl.but thank you for your input emily- you're hateful....i give your marriage 3 years. unless he has no spine at all-then he's your dream!
Posted by mrscarrasco2b[/QUOTE]

Wow, that was superbly inappropriate. Would you like someone saying that to you, OP? My guess is no, so why say that to someone else?

Everyone has offered you advice, mostly that it isn't appropriate to ask her to cover her tattoo or dictate her hairstyle for your wedding, unless her visible tattoos are not allowed by the venue you are being married in. Tattoos and hairstyles are integral to a person's being and it is your bridesmaid's prerogative to look the way she wants to and project the image she wants to, yes, even on your pretty princess day.

mrscarrasco2b

it is a church wedding at the curch my grandparents were married- so thank you for your input everyone!

mrscarrasco2b

haha she said i have self esteem issues and a crappy family so, I'm sure if you're gonna hit below the belt you should be able to take a hit too. I just spoke to my friend and she said she would expect the same from me if it were the other way around.  so our next week dress app. still stands!

aerinpegadrak

If your family would freak out over seeing a tattoo, I'm sorry, but they are pretty crappy.

emilyinchile

I didn't say that you have self esteem issues. Most people who post questions like yours don't initially think about it rationally and realize that wait, another person's appearance only reflects on her even if she's at my event, so I thought you might not have realized it either. IF, after someone spelling it out for you, you still genuinely believe that what color another person's hair is going to make someone judge you, then yes, I think that you are either insecure or egocentric.

I also didn't say you have a crappy family. Again, IF they really would hold a friend's appearance against you, I think that's crappy. But I have no way of knowing whether they would, in which case I'm genuinely sorry that they'd treat you that way and don't think you should have to cater to them, or whether you're worrying for nothing, in which case calm down.

You on the other hand directly called me a name and insulted my husband and my marriage. You win?

mrscarrasco2b

I'm not saying they would freak out, I'm just more respectful and conservative than most i guess....... and again thats below the belt and a horrible thing to say, I am very close to my family, the first one this generation to get married and the only girl in 3 generations. So i dont know what it is about people purposely trying to upset others on her. this is for advice, not to put ppl or their familys down. Plus my family has been through hell this summer- my cousins 5yr old daughters rape and murder last month and another cousins mom and 7 yr old son killed in a boating accident by drunk teens last weekend, so now, tighter than ever. you are so disrespectful and should be ashamed of yourselves.
 
and Emily i apologize, i shouldnt have said that about you and your man

mrscarrasco2b

i would prefer any replies from here on to be actually trying to help, not trying to put me or my family down- thank you

aerinpegadrak

I'm sorry for everything your family has gone through, but I don't see how that has a damn thing to do with their feelings about body art and the way others choose to express themselves.  And pulling the tragedy card is almost as bad as pulling the "I feel sorry for your husbands" card, especially when said tragedy is not remotely relevant.  That's like me saying it's fine to have a cash bar because my aunt has cancer.

emilyinchile

I am now confused as to whether or not that was a sincere apology, since it followed the disrespectful and ashamed bit, but if it was, thanks.

And I'm sorry about the tough stuff your family's gone through. But I think that makes it even clearer that there's no need to lose sight of the important stuff - like family and friends - in the details like hair color or skin art. The majority of the advice on this board comes back to that concept. People aren't, for the most part, trying to be mean, but they are trying to give posters a virtual slap upside the head and say hang on, is this REALLY what's important? Or is the whole bit where you get married and share that with the people you care about more important than something like even sides or how to ask a BM? If the tone of this board is too blunt for you, stick to your club or local board since those tend to have posters who sugarcoat things a bit more.

emilyinchile

Oh, I just saw your last post. You can't dictate how people respond - this is a public international message board, and as long as people stay within the rules, they can say what they want. Asking for only specific answers usually backfires completely.

blackfire5th

This isn't a validation board.  You asked if you were being horrible and mean and when posters said you were out of line, you got mad.  Not getting the advice you wanted does not make the other posters "hateful."  Emily gave you great advice that you either need to focus on the real reason you don't like her tattoos (hiding behind family) or if your family will make a big stink about it then they don't sound like great people and you shouldn't worry about what they think.

Lilou902

After reading ALL of those....here is what I have to say.  Your family has been through alot.  You are getting married to be married to your FI, but your actually ceremony and reception centers around your family.  You wish to honor your family and your marriage is a big deal to them since you are the first to do it in awhile.  You are being married in a place of worship, which is also rich in family history.  Now, the tattoo should be covered.  You already said that your friend is good with that, so problem solved.  I am glad that she is being reasonable.

Now, let me offer some unsolicited advice.  The woman on these boards used to offend me as well.  And it wasn't until reading others post did I figure some things out.  For one, I rarely heard what I wanted to hear.  The same thing happened to you.  Also, all of my preconceived notions about weddings have been wrong.  You can't tell your friends how to wear their hair, make up or what color to paint their nails.   Gifts for the bridal party don't include jewelry.  The day isn't ALL about me.    BTW, I wish I had understood all of this before, at some of my friends' weddings!!  Usually, the girls on this board are trying to get that message across to you.  Future posts will be easy if you understand these points, or maybe you won't need to post, because you will already know the answers to your questions.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding for you and your family!

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-horrible-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:77e2b014-3e32-4f2f-a327-329eb31ce95bPost:3422ba7e-5dbc-44b4-9c4a-b9001eb39b87">Re: am i horrible and mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not saying they would freak out,<strong> I'm just more respectful and conservative than most i guess....... </strong>and again thats below the belt and a horrible thing to say, I am very close to my family, the first one this generation to get married and the only girl in 3 generations. So i dont know what it is about people purposely trying to upset others on her. this is for advice, not to put ppl or their familys down. Plus my family has been through hell this summer- my cousins 5yr old daughters rape and murder last month and another cousins mom and 7 yr old son killed in a boating accident by drunk teens last weekend, so now, tighter than ever. you are so disrespectful and should be ashamed of yourselves.   and Emily i apologize, i shouldnt have said that about you and your man
Posted by mrscarrasco2b[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Do you honestly think anyone thinks this of you when in on of your first posts you called Emily hateful and gave her marriage 3 years tops?</div><div>
</div><div>And why should we be ashamed of ourselves?  How could we know that tragic things have happened to your family recently?  Also, tragic things happen to both good and bad people, so the fact that you family has gone through a tough time does not make them saints.</div><div>
</div>

mrscarrasco2b

i didnt get mad when people said i was out of line, i got upset when they took it too far and made it a personal attack on me and my family
emily- i didn't agree with the last paragraph of your first post,to me it was disrespectful and it upset me, but past that, what i said was out of line and i really do apologize.
aerin-it was an example of how my family has had to come together and i would like for my wedding day to be ideal for them more than me to give back to them(i didnt want a wedding, i wanted grandmas backyard with relatives, but my great grandma insisted) i'm not ashamed of my friend- we go out all the time and everything that we've helped eachother through is more than some tats and hair color and if when i talked to her about she seemed  the least bit put back, i would have come up with another solution. I'm sorry if you dont agree and there is no reason to get nasty.

there was no answer i was looking for or hoping to get, i started feeling bad about when she and i were looking online at dresses last night ad she started pointing out the really low cut ones.
I do know what is most important on our wedding day it was just a thought and me asking for some advice

mrscarrasco2b

thank you lilou.... i appreciate that.

bablingbrooke

Wow mrscarrasco...you're really mean and self-righteous.  You are not more considerate than most--considerate people would not make such a request and would respect others.  I am Catholic and have two Catholic grandmothers, both married in the Church, and while they would have found the tattoo tasteless and inappropriate, they wouldn't have fainted or decried the marriage.  Neither will yours.  It's people like you who make all Catholics out to be super prudish and disrespectful of others.  I'm tired of explaining that away because people have had dealings with people like you and assume we're all like that.  

And how dare you insult people like this?  You have some serious growing up to do, missy.  Don't ask if you're being mean if you're afraid people will tell you yes.  You didn't want the truth, you wanted validation for a very bad idea.  Stick to your local next time--we give advice, not validation.