Broken up wedding party!

jpidge

My wedding is in three months.  I asked both my brother and his girlfriend to be a part of our big day.  They have just recently broken up.  My brother wants his now ex-girlfriend to still be in the wedding party, and she also would still like to be a part of it.  

I do not know what to do?!  I absolutely do not want any drama.  My brother is heartbroken over the breakup, and at this point really wants his ex to still be a part of his life.  I'm just afraid that if they are not back together by the time of the wedding, that it will just be awkward for all having her there.

Please help, I need some suggestions.

mbcdefg

They both said that they still want her to be in the wedding party.

Where's the problem?

jpidge

Problem is if she brings a date, or even if she doesn't bring a date, but is dating someone else; it will break my brother's heart even more, and could cause an argument between the two.  I don't want to have to worry about people in my wedding party getting along.  Besides the fact that I feel a little bitter towards her, since she broke up with my brother.  He came to me for support and a shoulder to cry on.  It's hard for me to think about seeing her without having animosity.

gottahavashorti

The breakup is still fresh.  For now, leave things as is since that is what they want to do.  They don't have to be best buds at the wedding.  In fact, they don't have to speak at the wedding at all or even be terribly close to each other.

If they don't end up being on civil terms or she doesn't want to be in the wedding any longer, that is her decision and hers alone - to be made independently, without being asked whether she'd prefer to step down or anything of that sort.

stina93446

I feel like their breakup is not of your concern. Yes it might hurt your brother if she brings someone, but hey, he's an adult, and it's an adult circumstance.

tldh

Anyone with even an ounce of sensitivity would not even think of bringing a date. 

mbcdefg

You're worried about a bunch of "what if" scenarios.

What if one of them brings a date?
What if it's awkward between them?
What if a meteor falls out of the sky and crushes her?
What if an escaped llama stampedes into the reception hall and starts eating all the food?

What if, what if, what if? You can't control other people's emotions or actions. They both said that it's O.K. for her to be there. If one/both of them feels awkward about it, they will talk it out or maybe she will not attend after all.

Your brother has to let go of her at some point. I can absolutely appreciate that he's bummed over the breakup, but it'd be completely unreasonable for him to expect her not to move on with her life. Likewise, it is not your duty to shield him from life's pain. I have siblings myself and I'd never want to see them upset, but it's also not my job to protect their feelings. They are adults, and they need to learn that this is a part of life. Life hurts sometimes. Then it gets better.

No, you shouldn't have to spend time worrying about your wedding party members getting along. That's because you DON'T have to worry about people in your wedding party getting along, whether they were former partners or not. That's not your job. You asked them to be in your wedding because you care for each of them, not because of how they will interact with each other. They're not meant to be one big group of friends. They're there for YOU, not each other.

Absolute worst-case scenario, which is 99.999% certain not to happen ... if they start causing a scene at the wedding, have someone escort her out. Otherwise, if they are both mature adults, they will be cordial to each other, or at the very least just ignore each other.

This is not. your. concern. You were not a member of this relationship - therefore, this is not your responsibility. It is up to your brother and his ex.

Manwaithiel

Sounds like they both want to act like grown ups and be there for you even if they're relationship is no longer working out.

You could follow their lead and not make it into the drama fest that you're turning it into with things that have not happened yet. Your wedding is still a few months away. A lot can happen in that time.

Stop worrying about it. It's not your business.

[Deleted User]

Agreed, you're thinking about too many "what ifs".  You don't know that's there's going to be a fight or awkwardness or she's going to bring a date.  If you're going to think that far into it, how do you know one of your guests isn't going to create some kind of drama that night?
If they both say she's good to be there then she's probably good.  If you asked her to be in your wedding party she must be a friend of yours too, no?

jpidge

Thanks everyone.  I just needed to get suggestions from people that are in no way involved.  It's hard to not think of the "what ifs" when it is your own wedding.  Getting other's opinions has given me a better perspective on the entire situation.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broken-up-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:796c7232-994c-4fca-b57a-fc189b2c9fa6Post:910d896b-c27b-4fc9-83db-31924b6f3115">Re: Broken up wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone.  I just needed to get suggestions from people that are in no way involved.  It's hard to not think of the "what ifs" when it is your own wedding.  Getting other's opinions has given me a better perspective on the entire situation.
Posted by jpidge[/QUOTE]

It is hard, I have a few situations where I could "what if" all day long if I let myself. It's just better to try and keep things in perspective.

Welcome to the boards =)

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]Thanks everyone.  I just needed to get suggestions from people that are in no way involved.  It's hard to not think of the "what ifs" when it is your own wedding.  Getting other's opinions has given me a better perspective on the entire situation.
Posted by jpidge[/QUOTE]
Of course it is!
And that's what we're here for. Welcome :^) Can't promise it will always be puppies and rainbows but it will be good perspective and sound advice.

SassyBrass

I understand your concern, and your caring for your brother, but to me it sounds like they are both in a mature enough place to be okay with it. Unless she broke up with your brother because of another guy, I wouldn't worry about her bringing a date. Besides, they both seem sensitive enough to your situation that she'd probably skip that or run it by you if she wanted to bring someone.
Don't worry so much. I broke up with my ex a week before my best friend's wedding and things went fine. Not great, but it didn't ruin anyones day.