Sister not excited to be a BM - now what?

spraschak

So I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid because I was hoping she would be excited for me but instead got every excuse under the sun (which I honestly was expecting). I ended our conversation with "Well, think about it and get back to me."

Now that I've had 2 days to mull it over, I'm wondering if I should call her back up and explain that I asked her because I thought she'd be excited about it. Also, I don't want her to feel this is an obligation because if she doesn't want to do it, why do it?

So where do I go from here? Do I just assume that if she does think it over and say yes that that will mean that she truly is excited?

suz62984

If she wasn't excited at first she probably won't be. I got the same thing from my sister-in-law.  You could just ask her why she isn't excited.  I asked my sister-in-law and she wasn't initially excited because we have 150+ guests coming.  She hates crowds and is freaked out easily by a lot of people (she had 24 people at her wedding and still freaked). After she thought about it and decided that it wasn't her wedding, so all eyes weren't going to be on her, she got really excited. It could be something simple like this with your sister.  Maybe she is even feeling a little jealous or wants the spot light. Either way I would confess that I thought she would be excited and ask her why she isn't.  If she doesn't want to do it, don't make her.  it will really bring you down on your wedding day if you do.

emilyinchile

First, you need to separate two things: excitement for you and excitement for your wedding. There will be a lot of people who are excited for you - starting this new chapter of your life, finding love, being happy - but not necessarily excited for your wedding - a one day party. If you can understand that now, you'll save yourself a lot of problems (so many of the "BM dilemmas" on here are about brides not feeling their friends are excited enough for the wedding, when really weddings aren't everyone's thing).

You shouldn't ask people because you think they'll be excited, you should ask them because you want them up there with you. It's fine to call and ask "have you had a chance to think about it?" and discuss whatever concerns she might have, but you've asked her - no turning back now. If she says yes, it probably means that she loves you and wants to support you. It is not a statement about her excitement.

You erased part of the OP about how your sister mentioned money problems, but you know she can afford it. What you know isn't important - if she thinks it's too much to spend, that's what matters. It may make her kind of a lame sister that she won't spend $150 on a dress when she can afford it, but it's her choice. Please remember to ask each of your BMs privately for a dress budget and stick to it.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-not-excited-bm-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7a2b1386-6a49-4014-8bbb-34d0bd571ce5Post:05b835c0-3124-4b52-92eb-49ba3cc4733b">Sister not excited to be a BM - now what?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid because I was hoping she would be excited for me but instead got every excuse under the sun (which I honestly was expecting). I ended our conversation with "Well, think about it and get back to me." Now that I've had 2 days to mull it over, I'm wondering if I should call her back up and explain that I asked her because I thought she'd be excited about it. Also, I don't want her to feel this is an obligation because if she doesn't want to do it, why do it? So where do I go from here? Do I just assume that if she does think it over and say yes that that will mean that she truly is excited?
Posted by spraschak[/QUOTE]

JIC

spraschak

I got an error message saying that the OP didn't go through, so I sent this one out trying to remember what I included in the other one.

I should have also included, it's not only about the excitement. I did think that she would want to support me in this. I realize that yes, it is a lot to ask money-wise. She's coming in from out of town too. The majority of her excuses were money and, I have to admit, I see her spend her money on herself like crazy. New TV, new gaming system, trips to Disney, etc. So I honestly don't think that asking her to spend money on the dress (and I was shooting for something under $60, which I told her) and shoes wasn't a big deal. She also told me that she wasn't going to take time off to come up to the wedding (she's able to, but she's not going to).

So maybe I should wait a week and ask her why she's hesitant and hopefully I can pull a reason out of her that's not just about money?

emilyinchile

Sorry, just saw that you'd done two posts...got it!

If she doesn't take time off, does that mean she can't make the wedding? Because if so, it seems like her answer is no. Or does not taking time off mean that she'd miss pre-wedding things but still make the day itself? That's fine, even if she misses the rehearsal it's not like it's that complicated to explain on the day of when she needs to walk in.

It's totally understandable to be sad that your sister doesn't seem to care about your wedding. Just make sure that you don't do or say things that could come off as bridezilla-y as a result of feeling disappointed.

bablingbrooke

Don't judge your BMs by "lack of excitement."  They aren't required to be excited.  Your sister isn't required to be head-over-heels about the wedding.  And if she wants out, she'll back out.

My sister was not excited in the LEAST about my wedding.  She was also MOH.  I never kicked her out (though believe me I was tempted) and her not being excited was the VERY least of my problems.  I have no regrets for her being in the wedding and if I had to do it all over would still ask her because she's my sister.  

You will look bad if you boot BMs because they "aren't excited."  You will look bad if you dwell on how excited they seem.  You will create family drama.  And you will regret having created that drama.  Even if she "deserves" to be kicked out you will regret it.  But she honestly hasn't done anything to warrant this.

bablingbrooke

And just saw your follow-up post.  If she can't afford it, she can't afford it, and she'll decline if she can't do it.  But that's her decision, not yours to make for her.  She'll be coming out of town for the wedding anyway, right?  She'll be at all the wedding and pre-wedding events anyway, right?  The only additional cost would be the BM dress, right?  Might as well be a BM then, right?  

spraschak

Not taking time off would mean that she wouldn't be able to stay for the reception.

Bride-zilla, I definitely am not so I would really hate to come across as that!!!

I think more than anything is that I'm just disappointed in her. I think her and my relationship is difficult to define on these message boards because it's not your typical buddy-buddy sisterly relationship. I'd hate to have this be the breaking point so in our next conversation I'll try to really open up and explain to her how it makes me feel when I hear her reaction.

Someone asked in a previous post -- she's my older sister by 1.5 years.

mbcdefg

Even if she does spend a lot of money on herself*, that doesn't mean that she's going to be jumping up and down over spending it on a dress for your wedding. Think about it ... would you be more excited over buying yourself a cool new TV, or buying a dress that someone else probably picked out and that you'll likely never wear again?

* And who's to say that she's actually GOT this money? I know people who appear to be rolling in dough, but then I've found out later that they have tons of credit card debt. You really never know someone else's financial situation, even if you think you do. So be careful about using the "She has plenty of money" excuse, because you may not necessarily know the entire story behind where their money comes from.

At any rate ... like Emily said, remember that there is a HUGE difference between her being excited for your wedding and her supporting your marriage. The two are not one in the same. The wedding is, in essence, a party. The marriage is what's important. If she is kind to you and your FI and if she supports your marriage, then that is all you can ask for.

As for her being a bridesmaid, it sounds like it's going to go one of two ways:

1. She agrees to be a BM, but won't be that "into" it. In that case, expect nothing more from her than to get the dress and stand up in the ceremony. Don't get your hopes up for her hosting (or maybe even attending) a shower or bachelorette, or helping you with the planning, or being excited about picking out the dress. Let her (and all of your other BMs) have a say in what dress they'll wear, pick a neutral shoe color and let them pick their own, don't require pro hair and makeup, and if you need some planning help then ask people who have offered their services or who seem like they're more into weddings.

2. She declines being a BM. Tell her you understand, and let her just enjoy herself as a guest. Unless you want to ask her to do a reading. You don't need to get a replacement bridesmaid for her spot ... if someone wasn't good enough to be asked the first time around, then there's no reason why she's suddenly good enough now that a first-choice girl dropped out.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-not-excited-bm-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7a2b1386-6a49-4014-8bbb-34d0bd571ce5Post:14dea63f-fa08-4263-b6e0-673864d191d0">Re: Sister not excited to be a BM - now what?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think more than anything is that I'm just disappointed in her. I think her and my relationship is difficult to define on these message boards because it's not your typical buddy-buddy sisterly relationship.
Posted by spraschak[/QUOTE]

Well, I think that this is the root of the issue right here.

It's <em>completely</em> normal, and not bridezilla at all, to wish that a family member would be more excited for you.

However, it <strong>IS</strong> unwise to ask someone to be your bridesmaid with the hopes that this gesture will make the two of you closer. And it sounds like that may have been part of your intention, right? I think you were banking a lot of emotion on the hopes that, if you asked your sister to be a bridesmaid, she'd suddenly become a more involved person in your life. You're setting yourself up for heartache if you think it'll automatically make you closer to her.

People <em><u>will not change</u></em> just because you're getting married. Helpful people will continue to be helpful, busybodies will continue to be busybodies, uninterested people will continue to be uninterested. Weddings don't change people ... they only bring out these good/bad qualities further, and brides/grooms start to notice them more because they suddenly start relying on these people for emotional and physical support. For about 95% of the girls who come here and complain that their bridesmaid has suddenly become bossy and annoying, it's usually revealed that the bridesmaid has ALWAYS been that way but the bride is really only noticing it now. Know what I mean?

So just let her think it over and then accept whatever decision she makes. If she says she'll be a bridesmaid, then don't expect anything more from her than to get the dress and show up (that way, if she DOES do more, it'll be a pleasant surprise). And if she declines, then don't take it personally.

bablingbrooke

spras, I honestly have the exact same relationship w/ my sister.  When I told her I was engaged, her reaction was literally, "So?"  I still asked her to be MOH.  She went out of her way to try to ruin every surprise, made my mom and I pay for her dress and alterations, insulted the priest during the rehearsal, didn't speak to our extended family or my ILs (and when she did she was mean) and was just a complete brat.  I know what you're going through.  I know how disappointing it is.  You can talk to her about your feelings all you want, and hopefully it will get through to her, but if it doesn't I would still recommend you not boot her.  

My view is that my sister will someday regret how she acted, though I'm sure she'll never tell me, and be grateful I wasn't mean in return.  Had she really hated the idea of being a BM she would not have done so; she's not the type to do things she doesn't want to do, so I'm sure deep down she wanted to be a part of it but for a variety of reasons decided to be a PITA.  My hope is that my actions will someday build a bridge, even though the dividends may be far in the future.  I am prepared for the possibility that my sister and I will never be close.  But why would I want to contribute to that outcome?  I imagine you feel the same way.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-not-excited-bm-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7a2b1386-6a49-4014-8bbb-34d0bd571ce5Post:5bb77f65-e64b-4ba9-beb5-1ff7cdca5252">Re: Sister not excited to be a BM - now what?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister not excited to be a BM - now what? : Well, I think that this is the root of the issue right here. It's completely normal, and not bridezilla at all, to wish that a family member would be more excited for you. However, it IS unwise to ask someone to be your bridesmaid with the hopes that this gesture will make the two of you closer. And it sounds like that may have been part of your intention, right? I think you were banking a lot of emotion on the hopes that, if you asked your sister to be a bridesmaid, she'd suddenly become a more involved person in your life. You're setting yourself up for heartache if you think it'll automatically make you closer to her. People will not change just because you're getting married. Helpful people will continue to be helpful, busybodies will continue to be busybodies, uninterested people will continue to be uninterested. Weddings don't change people ... they only bring out these good/bad qualities further, and brides/grooms start to notice them more because they suddenly start relying on these people for emotional and physical support. For about 95% of the girls who come here and complain that their bridesmaid has suddenly become bossy and annoying, it's usually releaved that the bridesmaid has ALWAYS been that way but the bride is really only noticing it now. Know what I mean? So just let her think it over and then accept whatever decision she makes. If she says she'll be a bridesmaid, then don't expect anything more from her than to get the dress and show up (that way, if she DOES do more, it'll be a pleasant surprise). And if she declines, then don't take it personally.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
Read this again, for it is wise.  If you are not currently close, the wedding will not make you closer.  In fact, weddings tend to make relationship problems worse rather than magically healing them.

megk8oz

I have 2 sisters, 1 older, 1 younger, both of whom where in my BP (Older was a BM, younger was my MOH). Do you want to know the moment both of my sisters got "excited" for my wedding? Oh, about 10 minutes before the ceremony started. Hell, the morning of my wedding, my older sister was being such a pain that I actually flat out said "If you can't be nice for one day, then don't bother showing up. It's my day, I'm not putting up with your miserable @$$" (Which for the records, you pretty much only get to play the "my day" card on the actual day).

I've had an on and off relationship with my younger sister (We're go between being super close, or just getting along-we never fight, but we're not BFFs either), and have never had a great relationship of any kind with my older sister. But I'm from a family where the "unwritten, yet somehow set-in-stone-law" is siblings are pretty much automatically asked to be in the BP, and in turn, they're "not allowed" to decline. That's my family structure. It's not always fair, it doesn't always make people happy during the process, but honestly, in 20 years, nobody has regrets, so it works in some weird way.

But the entire planning process, I knew better than to involve them in anything they didn't need to be a part of. My only other BM was DH's sister. I tried to ask them all individually if they had budget or style preferences  ... and they all told me point blank "Keep it under $200 and not an 'insane' color. Otherwise, do what you want". So my mom and I picked out 2 or 3 dresses and let everybody vote on the one they liked best. My sisters didn't even want to vote. They just kept saying "Well, it's her wedding, why do I need to pick stuff?". Which, yes, that sounds insane, because it is, but they really could have cared less. Needless to say, everything else they were involved in had very similar results. They didn't want to voice opinions, they didn't want to be bothered ... and I really kept the things that I wanted their input on limited to just what they were wearing!

But my sisters aren't the "OMG-wedding!" types. My sisters aren't "The earth revolves around the sun" types. The 3 of us have very strong, very different personalities-the 2 of them can't stand to be in the same room together. Me getting married didn't suddenly change everything for us. They still fought, they still whined when things weren't getting done at "their" convenience (Even though I purposefully left them out of stuff to avoid this), and when all was said and done, I would have made the exact same choice if I had to do it again. They're my sisters, I can't change them, but I know in 20 years, when I look at my album, I'm not going to feel like a jerk for leaving them out, and they'll at least be glad that they stood up for me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that getting married isn't going to change who she is. Listen to the PPs on this, especially Brooke, she knows her stuff in the difficult sister category.

MyNameIsNot

I think it all boils down to two things.  One, she's probably just not that into weddings.  A lot of women aren't, and the idea of getting excited about a wedding seems a alien to them.  Two, the two of you just aren't that close.  You live far away, so that puts a strain.  If you want to work on being closer as sisters, this might be a good opportunity.  But don't expect that asking her to be a BM is going to make you closer.  Instead, do the things you'd do if you weren't getting married.  Think about planning a trip to visit her, call more often, etc.  Talk to her, and talk about how you want to have a closer sister relationship and see how receptive she is. 

mbcdefg

My parents were married in 1982, and I actually just saw their wedding album for the first time a couple months ago. I knew that my mom had two girlfriends as BMs, but I never knew who my dad's groomsmen are. He had one older brother (he has two older brothers) and some guy I've never seen before.

When I asked why my other uncle wasn't a groomsman, my dad's reply was, "Well, he was in the Army while I was growing up and we weren't close at the time. Looking back on it, I wish I'd asked him anyway, because we're very close now and meanwhile I haven't talked to [guy I've never seen before] in over 20 years."

Just some food for thought. Siblings will ALWAYS be your siblings, and as such, time may bring you closer together. Especially depending on your ages ... my sister and I fought like cats and dogs when we were 22 and 18, but now at 26 and 23 we're pretty close.