Wedding Party

groom's sister in the wedding party

so my FMIL gave me a hard time and I eventually gave in to having both of her daughters as my bridesmaids(unofficially - it is still over a yr away). One of them had treated me like dirt (understatement) for probably 4 years and claimed her attitude was in retaliation towards her brother because he hated her boyfriend - but they broke up a year ago and things seem fine since we got engaged 6 months ago. Now it just came out that they are back together and everyone is very upset. My FI whole family is really close and religious (jewish) and it is only one of many problems that the boyfriend promised to convert and over the course of 3 years he has not even begun to follow through. She is 25, lives with her parents and works for them as well, and I don't understand why they feel they wont be able to explain to her that having him there would be very upsetting to a lot of people in his family, including the groom. 

It is still a year away and it's possible they won't even be together, but my future in laws don't seem to care how upset everyone is - the whole family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, all hate the guy and have made it extremely clear. 

any advice??? no "suck it up its only a day" crap please, because this family is very very close and its not going to be just a day. and I do not have a problem personally with the boyfriend, it's his family that does, but i don't want to have to worry about it during my wedding.

Re: groom's sister in the wedding party

  • this is me backing my FI up, not the other way around... he has a problem with the sister and her boyfriend, not just over religion by the way, which is a perfectly legitimate reason by itself, but he is also abusive. And we are not inviting people with a guest unless they're married, with the exception of the bridal party (barely). I'm just trying to offset a possible problem - it is my issue because I don't want my FI to be uncomfortable on our wedding day - I'd expect him to try to do that same for me. I wasn't invited to any family event until we got engaged simply because she as uncomfortable and it seems silly now but he deserves the same accommodation.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_grooms-sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7a8f0c88-c20c-478d-a06d-945185269821Post:cd45a982-78af-41b4-9897-0707edadd044">Re: groom's sister in the wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]this is me backing my FI up, not the other way around... he has a problem with the sister and her boyfriend, not just over religion by the way, which is a perfectly legitimate reason by itself, but he is also abusive. And we are not inviting people with a guest unless they're married, with the exception of the bridal party (barely). I'm just trying to offset a possible problem - it is my issue because I don't want my FI to be uncomfortable on our wedding day - I'd expect him to try to do that same for me. I wasn't invited to any family event until we got engaged simply because she as uncomfortable and it seems silly now but he deserves the same accommodation.
    Posted by freckled1013[/QUOTE]

    The sister is part of the bridal party though right? So you cant let some members of the WP invite guests and only her not be allowed to bring a guest. Your wedding is over a year away...so i would try not to worry about it yet. If your family is raising a lot of hell over this guy your FSIL may get fed up and dump him...a year is a long time away. I honestly wouldnt worry much more about it until its time to send out invites and if he is still around.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_grooms-sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7a8f0c88-c20c-478d-a06d-945185269821Post:cd45a982-78af-41b4-9897-0707edadd044">Re: groom's sister in the wedding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]this is me backing my FI up, not the other way around... he has a problem with the sister and her boyfriend, not just over religion by the way, which is a perfectly legitimate reason by itself, but he is also abusive. <strong>And we are not inviting people with a guest unless they're married</strong>, with the exception of the bridal party (barely). I'm just trying to offset a possible problem - it is my issue because I don't want my FI to be uncomfortable on our wedding day - I'd expect him to try to do that same for me. I wasn't invited to any family event until we got engaged simply because she as uncomfortable and it seems silly now but he deserves the same accommodation.
    Posted by freckled1013[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ok, if he is abusive, let's think about this.  What do you think would happen to the sister if you invite her without him because the family doesn't like him?  He's either going to not let her go or he's going to beat her up because she made her family not like him.  Not a great idea.  </div><div>
    </div><div>If he actually is abusive, you and your FI need to stop thinking about it in terms of your wedding and start thinking about how to protect his sister.  Keeping her safe is much more important than any party.  Honestly, thinking about it in terms of your wedding is pretty self centered.  </div><div>
    </div><div>The bold is also incredibly rude.  You have to invite established couples, regardless of marital status.  Excluding bfs, gfs and FIs is just unacceptable.  There's no way around it.  Stop acting like your wedding is your opportunity to cast judgement on other people's relationships.  </div>
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I am sorry, I disagree that not liking someone over their religion is a legitimate reason...it is not a good reason at all!!  How would you like it if a person didn't like you because of your religion?  I bet you wouldn't like that.

    As for not inviting plus one's to people other then couples who are married...this is poor etiquette.  If a person is in a long term relationship (a year or more), are engaged, or living with their significant other then both should be invited.  And since you are allowing your bridal party to bring dates (which doesn't make any sense since you aren't allowing any of your other guests to bring dates unless they are married) then you will have to allow your FSIL (who may be a BM) to bring a date.

    As PP said, your FSIL is an adult and is allowed to date whomever she chooses.  If they are still together at the time of your wedding then he is invited. Period.  And your FI family will just need to get over it.

  • So if a guest has been dating her BF for three years, he's not invited because they aren't married? Charming.

  • It sounds like you have already agreed to have his sisters as bridesmaids.  There's really no such thing as unofficially asking someone to be your bridesmaid; you have either asked or you haven't.

    Even if you don't have her as a bridesmaid, I am assuming she is getting an invite to the wedding.  If so, and if she is still dating her boyfriend, then he has to receive an invite, too.  It's very rude to break up social units.
  • 1. not agreeing with an interfaith match does not mean you do not like someone as a person. talk about being judgmental - some people are religious and their children's life choices actually matter to them. It just so happens that I like the guy but I do disagree with the relationship for a number of reasons.

    2. It is not up to me about the plus ones on the guest list - I don't really agree with it but my entire list of family and friends is 1/5 of the total guest list. my loophole with my guests is that if they are a friend of mine that is in an "established relationship" they have been in for years, I know their significant other as well and they are getting their own separate invitation.

    3. I don't want her to not be allowed to bring a date - I just want her to consider the ramifications. My FI and her didn't talk for years over things like this, and I'd like that to not happen again.


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards