Maid of honor but didn't receive present

sarahcleo

So, this last weekend, I was in a wedding as the maid of honor and I busted my butt for this wedding (made the cupcakes, took care of various chaoses on the day itself, cooked some of the food the night before, kick ass speech, organized bachelorette party, drove around town, spent ~250$ twice on  plane tickets -- once to pick out the dress with her), and I received no gift.  It hasn't been long, so I'll probably get a thank you note for the present, but there was no necklace, no gift card, nothing. 

I have two questions:
1) Should I expect a present?  I don't need whatever it is, but it would be nice to have been thought of!
2) What should I do if nothing comes? Should I mention the slight?  I honestly don't think she has any idea that it's customary to give your wedding party gifts.  It really hurts my feelings that I worked so hard to make the day wonderful, and I got no sign of recognition, whcih I think is pretty standard.  Maybe I'm just being petty, but I feel a little slighted.  When she's in my wedding, I'll certainly get the party gifts.

Am I just being petty?

bablingbrooke

Yeah, you're being petty.

She should have given you something to show her appreciation.  Having said that, just like you're not owed a gift for your birthday, wedding, or graduation, you aren't owed one here.  You don't call up Aunt Sue and say, "I didn't get a birthday check--what gives?" and you don't call the bride three days after her wedding and ask her where your MOH gift is.

It's eminently possible that she is waiting to give you one--maybe the eBay seller didn't send the gifts on time, maybe she's going to get you something on her honeymoon, maybe she decided not to do BM gifts.  FWIW WP gifts are not done in my DH's culture so he didn't get anything for his GM; I gave my BMs their gifts the morning of the wedding since it was the only time I could do so discreetly.

If you went above and beyond and she treated you like crap, you're absolutely within your rights to talk to her about it after the honeymoon and maybe a few weeks after they get settled into real life again.  But if her only crime is not getting you a present (yet), then you really can't say anything to her.

You went above and beyond for her out of the goodness of your heart, not because you expected a token of thanks.  If she thanked you and you think she's going to further show her appreciation, I really don't see what the problem is.  Did you really want a monogrammed flask in her colors anyway?

mbcdefg

Well, ideally you shouldn't "expect" a present. You did a lot of nice things for the bride, but hopefully you didn't do them just to receive a reward. And it's only setting you up for disappointment/anger if she never sends you anything.

No, you shouldn't mention that you didnt' receive a gift. There's absolutely no polite way to say to someone, "I'm upset that you didn't give me a present."

That being said, I agree that it's hurtful or just rude if she didn't get you anything or at least write a note of thanks. Maybe she forgot about it, maybe she's planning to do something later, maybe she thought a verbal thanks was enough.

However, there's nothing you can do about it except shake it off. It would be incredibly rude to question her about it. Just let it go, and take it as a lesson learned to always show appreciation to your friends when they're nice to you (which it sounds like you already know).

suz62984

I can see why your feelings would be hurt. You said yourself that you don't "need it." I would say, "Is she always kind of selfish and 'me, me, me'?" but you said that she  honestly "has no idea that it is customary" so i'd leave it. Yes, it does suck to not feel appreciated but just let it go. Months or years from now she may realize after talking with a few people that "holy crap, I never got anything for my girls!!!" She'll probably feel like crap then.

I don't see you as petty...I see you wanting your trips and efforts to be noticed. You put time and money into this and there wasn't a Thank You. Be bummed for now but don't let it ruin your friendship.

mbcdefg

Did she ever give you a verbal thank you? If so, just move on. If she was appreciative of your hard work, and you consider her a good friend and a good person other than the gift thing, that's really all you can ask for.

Or is the problem that you feel that she took advantage of your kindness, and didn't show any form of appreciation at all? Did she boss you around or act like you were obligated as her MOH to be at her beck and call during her engagement? That's another issue entirely, and in that case it's not really uncalled for if you bring it up with her. Not from an "I didn't get a gift" standpoint, but a "You took unfair advantage of my generosity and you treated me badly" standpoint.

loop0406

I wouldn't expect a present, it's not a requirement, it's a nice thought. Maybe she thinks you were supposed to be there for her in that way and thinks you're a great friend but doesn't need to buy you a gift. I wouldn't mention it because then a) you sound petty and b) you are asking to be paid in some shape or form for your supportive gestures...

banana468

I think the biggest thing about gifts is that they work in two ways:

1) The giver should be generous.

2) The recepient should never expect a gift.

As long as she was appreciative of all you did, I'd move on.  Yes, they're customary and she should give you one but since they're not required, all you can do is know you did a great thing for her with no strings attached.

sarahcleo

It's complicated, as are most things: there wasn't a verbal thank you, besides a "thanks for coming."  She's generally a self-focused person, but she has very little experience with weddings.  The biggest thing is that the couple doesn't make much money (although, substantially more than many people) and they were trying to do it on the cheap -- no favors or donation, cash bar, cheap facility. 

So, do I feel used?  Well, I feel underappreciated, since I do have experience with weddings and am happy to help in whatever way I can.  I really do want to make the wedding as nice as possible, but that doesn't mean that I'm Mother Theresa.  I would never expect a present in the true sense of the word, but it's sort of a polite thing to do (or, a nice card, if you're poor, or a heartfelt thank you).  Everyone I've talked to who has been in weddings has said they received something, so I don't think it's unreasonable to feel a little slighted.   Maybe the card will come later, but I kind of doubt it.

But anyway, thanks for the advice.  I'm certainly going to drop it and move on, and hope for the best.  Such is life.

bablingbrooke

Nixing favors is nothing to get bent out of shape over (we didn't do them) and I don't think it's fair to judge the quality of the facilities (I'm sure they would have liked nicer ones) but the cash bar I'm definitely on your side.

You can never judge peoples' finances from the outside.  No matter how much you think you know about what they make or what their expenses are, you never really know.  And if they want to do a wedding on the cheap, that's their business.  It's not tacky to be thrifty.  However, a cash bar and no thank you to the WP is definitely not right.  Unfortunately, my answer about not saying anything doesn't change.  She sounds like a pretty self-absorbed person.  Maybe next time she's in a wedding and gets a WP gift and it'll dawn on her, and she'll privately feel bad, but I wouldn't wait by the phone for her to call you with an apology.

suz62984

Brooke, I think she was just trying to make a statement that they were doing the wedding on a small budget on purpose and didn't necessarily have too. I would feel slighted too if the bride didn't even say thank you. Guests get the typical "thank you for coming."  Your MOH should get at least a little something extra. "Thanks for the work you put into this. It means a lot." Wait it out but without any kind of thank you I might be inclined to tell her how I feel...leaving the present part out. Just tell her you feel under appreciated because she never said thank you.

mbcdefg

If she's normally a really self-absorbed person, then I'd just chalk this up to her being rude in general.

I would also keep it in mind for the future if she asks you to do her a favor. Not that you should avoid doing stuff for her because of the lack of a present ... but if she's always mooching off you or never shows gratitude when you help her out, then you might want to rethink helping her out in the future. Or even if you want to be friends with her anymore.

Does she return the favor when YOU need help? Or is she the type who comes crying to you for assistance, but is suddenly "busy" when YOU need a hand with something?

sarahcleo

I'm not knocking their budget, I'm knocking the fact that I spent about 800$ of my own money on being the maid of honor (which included taking care of non-maid-of-honorly things, and is made more significant by the fact that they spent less than 2000$ on the wedding, which in and of itself is ok, but to have me spend  almost a third of their tab feels a little unjust, especially considering that I make substantially less than they do) and had no thanks and was wondering if it's worth broaching the subject, and if so, how a polite way of doing that would be.  But, since doing all the nice things I did was my own choice, I'm going to drop it, suck it up, and be the bigger person. 

And... avoid hosting any future showers in the future.  Sorry, just a little bit of bitterness there.

bablingbrooke

Unless she held a gun to your head and said, "You will spend $800 on my wedding," the only person you can blame for spending $800 is yourself.  Absolutely she should thank you.  Absolutely she owes you appreciation.  But she didn't make you.  You wanted her to have a classy affair so you spent gobs of money on her.  She didn't reciprocate.  That says a lot about her character and would definitely make me rethink the value of a friendship with someone like that.  But to sit here and say, "She made me spend 1/3 of her wedding budget" is not remotely accurate.  You chose to do it.  Now you are crying about it.  Nobody likes a martyr.  Chalk this up to one very expensive lesson about life and move on.