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please help! bride's brother not allowed in party???

I have asked my fiance respectfully twice now about the subject of having my brother in his groom's party. While he says he wants my day to be perfect (and that would include my brother up there with me) he doesnt want my brother as one of his guys. He says because hes not one of his best friends. Before we ever talked about this, FH suggested that his sister be one of my maids and i LOVE the idea, I've already asked her, and I want her there.  When I bring this point up, he says "well you dont have to have her, i dont really mind"  But I want her AND my brother up there.

Is this a double standard? Do I have a right to be upset. He's my big brother and I irritates me that FH is making such a huge deal about it when it doesnt HAVE to be ONLY best guy friends.

What do I do to resolve this nicely, and is there any way I can get FH to see this from my standpoint? Cry Please help
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Re: please help! bride's brother not allowed in party???

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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited June 2010
    You pick your side, he picks his.  The difference is that you wanted your FSIL to stand up with you and he doesn't want your brother up there with him.  It should be whomever both of you want standing next to each other.  It's wrong for you to try to force him, just as it would be wrong for him to force you.  He didn't force you, you liked the idea.  Not the case here. 

    Why can't your brother stand on your side?

    ETA: The moment this sort of thing becomes an issue to the point that you're arguing, you both need to step back and remember what this day is about.  No one should ever fight about the composition of their partner's side of the WP.
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    Have your brother stand on your side as a bridesman.
    My Grandparents on their wedding day.
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    Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
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    Have him stand on your side.  The wedding police won't come and stop your ceremony because you have a guy on your side.
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    [QUOTE]I have asked my fiance respectfully twice now about the subject of having my brother in his groom's party. While he says he wants my day to be perfect (and that would include my brother up there with me) he doesnt want my brother as one of his guys. <strong>He says because hes not one of his best friends</strong>. Before we ever talked about this, FH suggested that his sister be one of my maids and i LOVE the idea, I've already asked her, and I want her there.  When I bring this point up, he says "well you dont have to have her, i dont really mind"  But I want her AND my brother up there. Is this a double standard? Do I have a right to be upset. He's my big brother and I irritates me that FH is making such a huge deal about it when it doesnt HAVE to be ONLY best guy friends. What do I do to resolve this nicely, and is there any way I can get FH to see this from my standpoint?  Please help
    Posted by asabug5[/QUOTE]
    He's right.  You weren't obligated to ask his sister and he is not obligated to ask your brother.  Sides don't have to be same gender, so go ahead and ask your brother to be a bridal attendant.
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    I think , not only is the day about joining two people...but joining two families. If i were upset over a guy-friend I guess I could see your points. But its family that we are joining as well.

    Im not forcing anyone, but it does really hurt that hes making it an obsticle when hes scrounging for people on his side as it is.
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    But the way you told it, he wasn't scrounging.  He asked and you agreed.  You make it sound like he didn't twist your arm.  You said you wanted her.  The big difference is that he doesn't want your brother. 

    And yes, it is a joining of two families.  But that doesn't mean that they need to be on each other's sides due to gender.  Have your brother stand on your side if you want him in the wedding that badly.  Turning this into a tit-for-tat thing is only going to cause more problems.  

    Is there a bigger issue here that the WP is just a proxy for, and that's why you guys are digging your heels in over a relatively innocuous issue?
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    by scrounging I mean he says he wants more guys up there but he cant really come up with any.  As far as a deeper problem, there isnt. He loves my brother, they are both HUGELY into flying and planes and hes realllly likes him. And as far as tit for tat....she chooses hers/he chooses his isnt tit for tat? It doesnt really portray what marriage is supposed to be about.
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    Tit for tat = "I did this for you, now you do this for me."  Picking your own sides is not remotely what tit for tat is.  It's the exact opposite of tit for tat.

    Telling your FI what to do and trying get him to do what you want even though he doesn't want to is also absolutely NOT what marriage is about.

    If there isn't a larger issue here, I think you need a glass of wine and a think about what a wedding is vs. what a marriage is.  Because a wedding is a party, a marriage is the lifetime after.  Why fight over the party?  Life's too short to put form over substance.

    Basically, I get the impression that you're not going to take the advice here and I hope you're not just waiting for someone to come along and say that your FI is bad and evil and wrong for not asking your brother.  This isn't a big deal, so please don't turn it into one.
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    I don't understand why you don't just ask your brother.  If you really want him to be in the wedding party so badly you will ask him to be a bridal attendant.
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    You still have given us a reason as to why your brother can't be on your side.  If you don't even want your brother on your side, I find it odd that your FI would want him on his.
    My Grandparents on their wedding day.
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    Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
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    Oh for goodness sake, OP.  Put him on your side.  Easy peasy, problem resolved. 



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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited June 2010
    Oh for pity's sake.  Put your brother on your side and then there's no issue at all.

    As for joining families, you're just wrong.  A wedding is about joining two consenting adults.  And If their family members get along, that's fine.  But your siblings are NOT marrying your brother.  His sister is NOT marrying you.

    My BIL's wife is someone that I would never, ever, ever, in a million years be friends with.  And I'm quite sure she feels the same way about me. We can be cordial to each other for the sake of our husbands, but more than that?  Nope. 

    Stop thinking that your FI has to include your brother.  He doesn't.  And stop thinking that the two of you getting married is somehow going to result in both families sitting together at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

    It might.  It probably won't.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Have your brother on your side.  Problem solved.

    You don't get to pick who is on your FI's side.  You picked yours, he picks his.  You can make a suggestion, but he doesn't have to take that suggestion.  He should have the people closest to him standing beside him.  If he doesn't feel that closeness with your brother, that is perfectly fine.
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    Put your brother on your side. He is your brother.  No, this isn't weird. Yes, it has become very common.

    See how easy that "problem" was to solve.
    Anniversary
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited June 2010
    I really don't understand why you are content to play the role of victim (oh, woe is me-I'm so hurt by his refusal) when all you have to do is put him on your side and leave your damn FI alone about it.

    You are making this 1000 times harder than it needs to be and putting things on your FI that really aren't his responsibility or issue.  It isn't his job to include your brother, it is YOURS.

    Sack up, get over it, put him on your side, and move on.  Don't you have anything more significant to do?

    ETA: I realize that you put his sister on your side at his request but you didn't have to do that.  You could've refused but chose not to.  That was your decision.  This is his.
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    Ditto PPs that the easiest solution is to have your brother stand as your own attendant.

    However, I can see where you're coming from. I really don't think it's fair that you agreed to HIS request to have his sister as a bridesmaid, but he won't agree to your request ... but then again, he didn't force you to include her. You could've said no. But I still think he's being a d0uche.

    If your FI tells you not to have your brother as your attendant, then you have a really big problem and you may want to put the marriage on hold and talk about this.
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    I agree with pp that it is up to him who is on his side, but I also understand how you may be worried about how this might make your brother feel.  Even if you have him on your side (which I think is perfectly fine, FI and I are having mixed sides) if he is the only guy, it will be obvious he is there becuase your FI didn't want him on his side.  Even though the wedding isn't all about families coming together, I do agree that that is part of it, that's why you have them all there to celebrate with you, so I understand why you're upset.  Maybe you could suggest that his sister be on his side?  Then you could each have your siblings on your own side.  I know you already asked her, but it's not like she won't still be in the party, she'll just be standing on the other side, so maybe she won't mind. 
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    LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-brides-brother-not-allowed-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b9057f8-8cde-4587-899d-9dfdebc112b2Post:4aa05e23-66c7-4837-aa63-0719b55d9ed3">Re: please help! bride's brother not allowed in party???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with pp that it is up to him who is on his side, but I also understand how you may be worried about how this might make your brother feel.  Even if you have him on your side (which I think is perfectly fine, FI and I are having mixed sides) if he is the only guy, it will be obvious he is there becuase your FI didn't want him on his side.  Even though the wedding isn't all about families coming together, I do agree that that is part of it, that's why you have them all there to celebrate with you, so I understand why you're upset.  Maybe you could suggest that his sister be on his side?  Then you could each have your siblings on your own side.  I know you already asked her, but it's not like she won't still be in the party, she'll just be standing on the other side, so maybe she won't mind. 
    Posted by jlbarbone[/QUOTE]<div>I don't think having OP's brother makes it obvious that her FI doesn't want him.  I think it makes it obvious that OP <strong>does</strong> want him.  So I don't think that's an issue, no matter where the sister is.</div><div>
    </div><div>I also was going to suggest at first that the sister be moved to the FI's side, but I think it really <strong>could</strong> insult the sister, make her feel like she's almost being shunned by OP as retaliation for an argument OP got into with her FI.</div><div>
    </div><div>I think the best bet is to leave the sister on OP's side, and add OP's brother too.</div><div>
    </div><div>And yeah, I agree that it kinda sucks that OP's FI suggested his sis for OP's BM but won't return the favor by including her brother as his GM.  He's not exactly playing fair.  But it's a pretty small thing... unless, like someone said, OP's FI also objects to OP's brother being on OP's side.  Then they've got bigger issues.</div><div>
    </div>
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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    I would never even consider thinking "wow, the groom must hate the bride's brother" just because he happened to be standing on her side.

    I would think "wow, they must be really close.  That's so great."
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    edited June 2010
    While he says he wants my day to be perfect (and that would include my brother up there with me) he doesnt want my brother as one of his guys. He says because hes not one of his best friends.

    So...yes, he is correct that he doesn't have to ask anyone (including your brother) if it's not one of his best friends. BUT...following that logic, I don't understand why he's also now scrounging - your words - for additional people to stand on his side. If he's picked his best friends already, which are the only people he says he wants up there with him, then...what the hell does it matter if that's only like 2 or 3 people?  Why would he be looking for more? Is it an even sides thing? Because that's ridiculous - and hopefully you've learned from reading the posts above that even sides are not mandatory and it's better to ask the people you really want than to ask a few as placeholders / space fillers. Silly.

    Ask your brother to stand on your side. Problem solved. However, as someone else stated, if your soon to be husband has a problem with THAT then you have much bigger problems, my dear.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    There isn't much to say here that's new.
    If your brother means that much to you, have him up with you. My brother is my MOH/ best man, call it what you will. I had 3 of my original BM's drop out of the WP (pregnancy and international travel don't mix!). I have my brother and one of my girlfriends. He has 3 of his friends (all guys). No, it won't look even. No, my guests won't think that my FI hates my brother since he's on my side. No, my brother won't be in a dress. :)
    My FMIL told me that I can always ask FI's sister... I told her at this point, it would be slot filling and I'm just not down with that. Does it mean that I "hate" his sisters? Heck no!
    If he's wanting more people and whining about it, but still doesn't consider your brother, I'd think that was kind of off. But simple solution for you is honestly, have him on your side. That easy.
    Night swimming in the ocean= pretty sweet reception!
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    This is an unpopular opinion, but I don't see why he can't just have your brother on his side if he knows it's important to you. He sounds pretty darn stubborn.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-brides-brother-not-allowed-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b9057f8-8cde-4587-899d-9dfdebc112b2Post:29f3ae0f-f14d-443b-b43e-303a37683497">Re: please help! bride's brother not allowed in party???</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is an unpopular opinion, but I don't see why he can't just have your brother on his side if he knows it's important to you. He sounds pretty darn stubborn.
    Posted by arthomas82[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with you.  I don't think it's fair that the guy gets to pick the guys and the girl gets to pick the girls.  I think the bride and groom should be able to pick the people that are most important to them.</div>
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    Whoa...someone has nearly the same SN as me.  Trippy.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-brides-brother-not-allowed-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b9057f8-8cde-4587-899d-9dfdebc112b2Post:67165ef5-2929-47f0-ae43-f4cb26515d59">Re: please help! bride's brother not allowed in party???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Whoa...someone has nearly the same SN as me.  Trippy.
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    Yes, but she's not giving nearly as good advice.
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    I'd like to know more about why the groom asked the bride to have his sister on her side but why he won't do the same.

    The solution is to just have the brother on the bride's side, but I'm still feeling like I'm missing a detail.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-brides-brother-not-allowed-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7b9057f8-8cde-4587-899d-9dfdebc112b2Post:1492cb86-f541-4c4e-8908-8e091a9554f5">Re: please help! bride's brother not allowed in party???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd like to know more about why the groom asked the bride to have his sister on her side but why he won't do the same. The solution is to just have the brother on the bride's side, but I'm still feeling like I'm missing a detail.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]


    Ditto this. I believe that you both are entitled to pick your own sides and are not obligated to pick each other's siblings. I also would normally agree that you asking his sister would not automatically = him having to ask you brother.

    But.

    In this particular case, he <strong>did</strong> suggest that you ask his sister. Granted, you agreed to do so without hesitation, but the point is, it was initially <strong>his</strong> idea. So why did he suggest you ask his sister if he had no intention of asking your brother? That just seems odd to me that a guy would be all "Oh, my sister should be one of your BMs", but then when the bride says "I think my brother should be a GM" he flat out refuses. That just doesn't seem fair to me. Is there more to the story that I'm missing here?

    Mind you, if you asked his sister without his prompting, I would just be saying "You pick your side, he picks his" and tell you to just have your brother stand on your side (Which is still a solution to this). But it's just kind of bugging me that he suggested you make a gesture that he wasn't willing to make himself.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    I could have sworn that I read something earlier saying that she was close to the sister and that's why it made sense to me that he'd suggest the sister be a BM but didn't want to ask her brother to be a GM.  But it's probably just my mind playing tricks on me.
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    noodle_oonoodle_oo member
    First Comment
    edited June 2010
    I'm going to guess that the reason OP doesn't want her brother on her side is 2 fold:  1) he might not want to stand as the only guy amongst girls (some guys don't like this) and 2) sounds like she already has more BMs than her FI has GM, so adding brother to her side will make it even more uneven (not really a big deal, but some people don't like this).  And since FI is already trying to find more guys to make his side more equal to her side, he might not like her adding another person either.

    Here's my advice:  tell your FI you are going to add your brother to your side.  If he's okay with that, you are good.  But my guess is he won't like it because it makes his side look smaller.  If he objects to it, tell him to add brother to his side.  If he objects to this, then he's basically saying he doesn't watn your brother in the WP at all, in which case he is being selfish and unreasonable.

    personally, I also think he's being stubborn and has a double standard since he suggested you add his sister, but won't add your brother.  Are you sure there isn't another reason he doesn't want your brother on his side? 
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