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Fiance's sister as a bridesmaid

This is something I have been pondering for a while but I wanted to get some other bride's opinions on it. My fiance's sister is 7 or 8 years younger than us, we really don't talk to her a lot, and she is really into drugs. I have another friend that I would much rather have as a bridesmaid. Do I have to have his sister just because she is his sister? If not, how do I let her down easy...cause she will be devastated! 

Re: Fiance's sister as a bridesmaid

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    tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiances-sister-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7e86b917-500c-481e-96b2-7f8fd6e47001Post:bae38afe-b47e-4b9a-ad04-21b666a01f5b">Fiance's sister as a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is something I have been pondering for a while but I wanted to get some other bride's opinions on it. My fiance's sister is 7 or 8 years younger than us, we really don't talk to her a lot, and she is really into drugs. I have another friend that I would much rather have as a bridesmaid. Do I have to have his sister just because she is his sister? If not, how do I let her down easy...cause she will be devastated! 
    Posted by darcirine[/QUOTE]
    Family is not an automatic invitation into the WP, however, sometimes it is easier to include someone in the wedding, for the sake of maintaining family peace.

    You have several options:

    1) Ask your friend and your FSIL to be BMs.  Sides do not have to be even.
    2)  FI can ask his sister to stand on his side as a groomswoman.  Mixed gender parties are OK.
    3)  She could be a reader, if neither of you want her in the WP itself.
    4)  She could just attend as a guest.
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    I never thought about uneven sides. We were both planning on having 4. He is just saying that its up to me, he doesn't care either way. I guess I am worried about her being unreliable! I mean who knows if she will show up on time, if she could afford a dress, if she would read a passage because of not wanting to be infront of people. I am not a vain person, but I also don't want the look of a stoner wedding either. She has begun to not look healthy, so not quite sure how to let her down easy. thank you thank you for the advise!
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    edited July 2010
    If you're not close, don't ask her.  But, don't leave her or your friend out just because you want even sides. 

    And to go off of what Tide said, it's not an automatic assumption that she will be in the WP just because she's related.  But...will it be an issue with the family down the road?  You will have to see your in-laws and this sister at probably every family function and holiday.  Is it going to cause hurt feelings for a long time?  If so, it's much easier to just ask her. 

    Edit:  Has anyone talked to her about the drug issue?  If she's beginning to not look healthy, there are bigger problems here than just whether or not she'll be a BM. 
    Also, I didn't look for your wedding date, but if you have longer than 8 or 9 months, why don't you just wait and see how things go?  Relationships (and health/drug issues) can change a lot in just a few months, and generally this board recommends that you wait until you're 6-9 months out from the wedding to ask your WP.
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    I believe that siblings should automatically be in the wedding party- but that's just my opinion.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiances-sister-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7e86b917-500c-481e-96b2-7f8fd6e47001Post:bd9df5ce-4026-46f8-85fc-636ab3640d60">Re: Fiance's sister as a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Fiance's sister as a bridesmaid : Family is not an automatic invitation into the WP, however, sometimes it is easier to include someone in the wedding, for the sake of maintaining family peace. You have several options: 1) Ask your friend and your FSIL to be BMs.  Sides do not have to be even. 2)  FI can ask his sister to stand on his side as a groomswoman.  Mixed gender parties are OK. 3)  She could be a reader, if neither of you want her in the WP itself. 4)  She could just attend as a guest.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    *Ditto*

    Your profile says your wedding is 10/23/10...is that true? Have you already picked your other bridesmaids? Please don't tell me that either of these girls are "fillers."

    Also, if FSIL is on drugs and looking unhealthy that's a bigger issue than her being a bridesmaid.
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    Scary thing is we are getting married in Oct. His mom has tried to get her help and is doing all she can. Its been an on going thing for a year. So...she is getting help. Thanks for your concern
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiances-sister-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7e86b917-500c-481e-96b2-7f8fd6e47001Post:12b46092-16f1-4513-b1c9-fb55c95aa81f">Re: Fiance's sister as a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Scary thing is we are getting married in Oct. His mom has tried to get her help and is doing all she can. Its been an on going thing for a year. So...she is getting help. Thanks for your concern
    Posted by darcirine[/QUOTE]

    So what is the situation with your FSIL and the other friend you'd rather have?  Have you asked either of these girls to be in your WP?  If so, then they are a BM, there is no "unasking".  If you want to add someone on because the relationship has changed (like, if this other friend and you have grown much closer since you asked your other BMs, I don't see a problem with asking her now to join, as long as she has enough time to get a dress). 

    I'm just assuming, so I could be completely wrong here, but after re-reading this thread, I got the idea that you don't want your FSIL to be in the wedding, and would like to replace her with your friend.  No matter what you mean for it to be, your FSIL will be devastated at being kicked out (because that is what it will be--there is no "letting down gently" in this case), and your friend will feel like a second-class BM, because she's a replacement for your FSIL and wasn't good enough to be asked in the first string.   If this is the case, either leave it as it is and trust that your FSIL will show up in the dress, or ask your friend in addition because you want her to stand with you as a friend, not as a replacement for another girl.  Again, I'm sorry if I got that completely wrong, but that's what I would say if that is the situation.

    I am glad you said your FSIL is getting help, though.  If her mom trying to help with the situation, at least that's a step in the right direction.
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    The other bm are picked. I would just rather have a good friend than his sister, just because I just don't talk with her a lot. We are working on the drug thing. This is just going to be a touchy subject with her.
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    I have not ask her to be in the wedding. So its just deciding if I am going to include her or not. I would rather not have her, just because, like I have stated before, we are just not close. But I don't want hard feelings either. Its just a tough place to be..especially knowing what to do. I don't want to look back on things 10 years down the road and think, If I had just had her in my wedding.... So we will see.
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    If it'll prevent World War III with her and the family, I'd just ask her. Worst-case scenario, if she doesn't show up, then you go on without her. Not a big deal.

    If you want your friend to be included, ask her. No need to worry about numbers.

    You'll get so many photos that you probably won't have all that many with her in your album. Maybe just a bridal party shot and a family shot. If there are sucky candids of her, then don't include them in the album.
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