pissed off maid of honor

bjw_77

My maid of honor has been my friend for 33 years. She started planning my bridal shower and bachelorette party without talking to the other 5 bridesmaids. She picked a date that 2 of them cant make and Plus i have to work that weekend. Now she is mad that i found out the date of everything, she wanted it to be a surprise. She is now telling me that Im making some of my bridesmaids have panic attacks because of all the wedding talk. She also wants to have a pure romance party for the bachelorette part but I told her I wasnt into that and she got mad. Now she wants no talk about the wedding until Aug. She cant even take time out of her schedule to come to rehearsal the nite before. What to do.

kmmssg

Has she always been the type to do what she wants to do and not listen to someone else's input?  Is this out of character for her or pretty common?

I'd give it a couple of weeks and take her out for dinner.  Talk about your relationship/friendship, not the wedding.  See if you can get that back on track.  As that discussion progresses, surely the two of you can find a civil way to discuss why a pure romance party and not coordinating with the other BM's didn't work.

Relationship first.....then talk about the rest.

mbcdefg

Both of you need to relax and take a breath.

It stinks if she didn't take your schedules or interests into account when planning the shower or bachelorette, but ulitamtely it's not her job or your entitlement to receive them. They're gifts that some brides get and some brides don't.

So if she says that she wants to plan these parties, give her a list of dates that'll work for you and ask that she take the other bridesmaids' schedules into account. And since it's not the MOH's duty to plan a shower, then if the other girls want to plan something else, they can certainly do so (but DON'T ask them to do this, since it's rude to ask for a party for yourself). And if MOH doesn't plan one that you can attend, and nobody else offers to plan one, then you don't get one. Sucks, but that's life.

As far as the bachelorette, remember that it's a party thrown for you, and it's rude to criticize it. You've already told her that a Pure Romance party isn't your thing and she got mad. So you can either suck it up and accept the party you receive, or you can thank her for the offer but say that you're too uncomfortable and you'd rather turn it down. And again, unless someone else steps forward and offers to plan something else, you don't get a bachelorette party.

No wedding talk until August - if you've been talking about the wedding a lot, she may be tired of it. SHe's not a bad bridesmaid if she'd like a break from that. And I agree with you that she should've consulted you on scheduling and your interests before planning the parties, but look at it from her side ... she's offering to plan parties for you, and you're saying they're not suitable. Wouldn't you feel a bit hurt and offended if a friend told you that you didn't plan an acceptable party for her? If you want to get technical, it's really rude to say "That's not good enough" to someone who's offering to throw a party for you (although I get why you're peeved).

As far as not attending the rehearsal, let that one go. Any idiot can figure out how to walk down an aisle. Someone can fill her in on the wedding day. She's not absolutely required to be there. And she probably has something to do ... it's not like she'll be sitting on her couch and eating bon-bons because she can't be bothered with you.

I would take some time to cool off, then approach her and thank her profusely for offering to throw these parties for you, apologize for ruining the surprise (throw her a bone here to butter her up a bit), and ask if you can compare schedules to find a date that works better for everyone. If you show that you are grateful for her friendship and generosity, maybe she will calm down a bit and be more willing to work with you.

If you've been friends for 30 years, it'd be really dumb to throw it all away for a party and because she's not going to practice WALKING. Put things into perspective a bit here.

covejack

Yeah, I'd decline the pure romance thing politely.  I think you're overreacting to be pissed off at your MOH, she's only trying to plan parties for you.  As far the other BM's go, take the hint from MOH and back off on the wedding talk, maybe you're overwhelming them.  Why no wedding talk until August, when is your wedding?

She doesn't have to come to your RD if she can't fit it in to her schedule.  Be gracious and understanding about that.

bjw_77

Im not pissed off at her, she is mad at me. She wants nothing else to do with the wedding except the bridal shower and bachelorette party. She wont even help me shop for my veil and jewerly. Im thinking she has too much on her plate (she works two jobs, and is on two fire depts). So i will just continue with everything for the wedding and if thinks dont look right, then so be it

mbcdefg

Im not pissed off at her, she is mad at me.

So give things time to cool off and then try to make up.

She wants nothing else to do with the wedding except the bridal shower and bachelorette party.

What else is there for her to do?

She wont even help me shop for my veil and jewerly.

O.K.? You can't do those things yourself?

Im thinking she has too much on her plate (she works two jobs, and is on two fire depts). So i will just continue with everything for the wedding and if thinks dont look right, then so be it

If you need help, get your FI to help, or hire a planner.

And yeah, if she's working two jobs and works for two fire departments, of COURSE she's probably busy and stressed. Like you said, she probably has a lot on her plate and therefore you should take care of your own wedding yourself.

asomalley

She wants nothing else to do with the wedding except the bridal shower and bachelorette party.

What else is there for her to do?
Be a supportive friend who is excited for her good friends special day. I, honestly, would be bothered if my maid of honor wasn't at the rehearsal dinner. There are always extenuating circumstances, but unless there's a good excuse, a maid of honor should try her absolute hardest to be a part of wedding events. It shows  care and support.

She wont even help me shop for my veil and jewerly.

O.K.? You can't do those things yourself?
From my perspective, I don't think it's a matter of not being able to do this herself, it's a matter of wanting her friends opinion and help throughout this overwhelming process. You don't ask a friend to be a a maid of honor just to throw you a few parties, you ask her because you want her support and opinions throughout the planning process.  I would be so incredibly sad if my maid of honor didn't want to talk about my wedding with me I need her help. I value her opinions. As a bride, I am aware that my wedding is not the only thing going on in life and I try to not overwhelm my friends with "wedding talk", but there are many details that the guys aren't interested in and those are what my girls help me with. They help because they love me and want my day to be special and they know how much I appreciate their help.