Bridesmaids... sigh.

Caitsidhe

I'd love to get some input on what you guys think. I personally have a little problem saying "no" and I am still a very guilty person... To add to this, as background, my fiancee doesnt have many close close male friends, and he is of the opinion you should only have people youve known a long time. So, my original line up for bridesmaids were as follows:

Girl A: younger sister, very close.
Girl B: old school mate, known her for 12 years, great friend.
Girl C: schoolmate, good friend, roommate currently.
Girl sort of insinuated herself, but was very helpful. Known since feb or march, work with her. fun to hang out with....

Now, There were some other girls I would have added if I had room, such as my sister's room mate whos very sweet and Ive known for a while myself, a girl that I used to work with, and am currently her bridesmaid... like that. My only excuse was that I had no room because of groomsmen.

Now, Girl D, shes been SUPER flakey lately. Like, to where I worry that she might flake out on the day of, or I'd never see her, or something. She hasnt picked up her bridesmaid dress when the rest of the party has, all shes done so far is point out a few websites and listen to me complain a bit about planning. I am getting worried that I can't rely on her enough.. but I am not sure what to say to her. Granted, she might just flake out on me and never talk to me again, seeing that she has quit her job with all of two days notice.

Do I tell her I am cutting her? Should I fill the spot with someone else? Should I leave the spot open to make it easier for my fiancee? I'd love some input.

bablingbrooke

So what if she hasn't picked up her dress yet?  So long as she has it for the wedding it shouldn't matter to you when she picked it up.   You really think that it naturally follows that she'd not show up at the wedding?

Beware that if you cut her from the wedding, you are also most likely cutting her out of your life.  Would you have done that anyway (i.e. with no wedding involved)?  If not, I suggest you scale back the expectations and just let it go.  Your BMs aren't wedding planners, cheerleaders, or a support network.  Your FI is the one who is supposed to be involved in planning, listen to you whine, and be as excited as you.  Not your BM.  And if she basically weaseled her way into the WP, that's your own fault for not telling her no.  

Also, your number of BMs has nothing to do with your number of GM.  Uneven sides are not only very common, they are also not illegal!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-sigh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:83ffc472-f4af-43ba-a708-84da3b04dc23Post:c93d533f-e8bc-4beb-9f8e-e67d5c923583">Bridesmaids... sigh.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd love to get some input on what you guys think. I personally have a little problem saying "no" and I am still a very guilty person... To add to this, as background, my fiancee doesnt have many close close male friends, and he is of the opinion you should only have people youve known a long time. So, my original line up for bridesmaids were as follows: Girl A: younger sister, very close. Girl B: old school mate, known her for 12 years, great friend. Girl C: schoolmate, good friend, roommate currently. Girl D: sort of insinuated herself, but was very helpful. Known since feb or march, work with her. fun to hang out with.... Now, There were some other girls I would have added if I had room, such as my sister's room mate whos very sweet and Ive known for a while myself, a girl that I used to work with, and am currently her bridesmaid... like that. My only excuse was that I had no room because of groomsmen. Now, Girl D, shes been SUPER flakey lately. Like, to where I worry that she might flake out on the day of, or I'd never see her, or something. She hasnt picked up her bridesmaid dress when the rest of the party has, all shes done so far is point out a few websites and listen to me complain a bit about planning. I am getting worried that I can't rely on her enough.. but I am not sure what to say to her. Granted, she might just flake out on me and never talk to me again, seeing that she has quit her job with all of two days notice. Do I tell her I am cutting her? Should I fill the spot with someone else? Should I leave the spot open to make it easier for my fiancee? I'd love some input.
Posted by Caitsidhe[/QUOTE]
Reread all of this and see how judgmental you sound.  Is that really the kind of person you want to be?

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-sigh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:83ffc472-f4af-43ba-a708-84da3b04dc23Post:c93d533f-e8bc-4beb-9f8e-e67d5c923583">Bridesmaids... sigh.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd love to get some input on what you guys think. I personally have a little problem saying "no" and I am still a very guilty person... To add to this, as background, my fiancee doesnt have many close close male friends, and he is of the opinion you should only have people youve known a long time. So, my original line up for bridesmaids were as follows: Girl A: younger sister, very close. Girl B: old school mate, known her for 12 years, great friend. Girl C: schoolmate, good friend, roommate currently. Girl D: sort of insinuated herself, but was very helpful. Known since feb or march, work with her. fun to hang out with.... Now, There were some other girls I would have added if I had room, such as my sister's room mate whos very sweet and Ive known for a while myself, a girl that I used to work with, and am currently her bridesmaid... like that. My only excuse was that I had no room because of groomsmen. Now, Girl D, shes been SUPER flakey lately. Like, to where I worry that she might flake out on the day of, or I'd never see her, or something. She hasnt picked up her bridesmaid dress when the rest of the party has, all shes done so far is point out a few websites and listen to me complain a bit about planning. I am getting worried that I can't rely on her enough.. but I am not sure what to say to her. Granted, she might just flake out on me and never talk to me again, seeing that she has quit her job with all of two days notice. Do I tell her I am cutting her? Should I fill the spot with someone else? Should I leave the spot open to make it easier for my fiancee? I'd love some input.
Posted by Caitsidhe[/QUOTE]

Once you ask someone or you don't nip it in the bud when they assume they are in the party, you are with them for the duration.  You can only kick out a BM if they sleep with your FI or they try to kill you.  Not getting a dress in the time frame you have in mind is not grounds.  If you kick her out, you have to be ok with the dissolution of the friendship.  She will probably be offended and never talk to you again.  If she decides that she doesn't want to be part of your wedding party, DO NOT replace her.  It is uber rude to her and the replacement.  How would you feel if you were asked to replace a BM in a friend's wedding?  Like an also-ran?  So will she.  Just leave the sides uneven. This is becoming more and more common. Now, if you want to add the other two in addition to everyone you have, that is fine.

As far as not doing anything, the only thing she is required to do for you is to buy a dress, show up on the wedding day sober and smile in pics.  Going dress shopping for you or her, going to your fittings, throwing or attending any pre-wedding activities (including, but not limited to bach party, showers, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner) is not mandatory.  She is also excused from any planning or DIY tasks.  She is your friend, not your wedding slave.

As far as the dress, you are getting married in 9 months.  She has plenty of time to get her dress.  Don't let that get you crazy.  Most dresses are delivered within a couple of weeks, contrary to what the dress shop tells you.  Remember, the dress shop gives two figs about you .  They want to get money.  They will forget your wedding as soon as everyone has paid.

Let it all go. 

vsgal

I realise I might sound a bit judgemental, and perhaps I hadnt put out all of what is going on in my head... but I've been thinking about it a lot and I am quite conflicted. She's flaked out on a lot of stuff recently, primarily with her job which in all honesty should be held in higher regard than my wedding, no matter how close we are. Things like not putting in notices, calling out once a week or so, and also flaked out on things like hanging out with friends. If we were just friends with no wedding involved, I might. Ive been rather surprised with how shes been acting, and she has been at most a "fair weather friend". While I know that it's fine to not have coordinating bridesmaids and groomsmen (in fact, I pushed for having twice as many bridesmaids at first, because of people I wanted), that IS what my fiancee wants and I feel I ought to try to respect his wishes. As of right now, because of his want of having matching sets, he is finding people that he otherwise wouldnt choose.

Edit:
I'd also like to add that the fact that she hasn't picked up a dress yet is NOT part of what is offensive and part of the grounds for perhaps asking her to not be in the party. It's more of an example of no real commitment on her part to be in the wedding party, even though she assumed she was part of the wedding party when I was first planning. It's more that she's been really unreliable in other parts of our association. My fiancee pointed out the dress part, saying that she hasnt contributed.


Honestly, how she behaves at her job is not your concern unless you are her boss.  Her behavior at work is not indicitive of how she behaves outside of work.  She may be unreliable at work; but until she doesn't show up for the wedding at the predetermined time, she is reliable for your wedding.  Again, she does not need to plan or attend ANY pre-wedding functions.  Would you like her to?  Yes.  But don't be disappointed if she doesn't.  Truly, yoy and your FI should not be involved the the act of the girls physically buying their dresses.  Decide on one and give them the absolute drop-dead order date.  Dont' micro-manage them.  These are adults and they understand what they have to do. She is probably not jumping because you are 9 months out.

As far as you FI and equal sides, pose this question to him.  Are you going to look at your wedding pictures 50 years from now and think how special that your closest friends and family members were there by your side or are you going to count heads and forget names?  You should not pick people as place holders.  They are not props.  I would be more offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding because the bride or groom wanted matching sides than to be left out all together.  I understand that you want to be considerate of his wishes, but that gate swings both ways.

bablingbrooke

What "commitment" does being your BM require?  All BMs are actually required to do is get the dress in time for the wedding and show up clean and sober.  Really.  Everything else is a gift to you.  You can't require a gift.  Movies and TV shows skew things--bear in mind that those are characters who have been written in a script and are portrayed by actors.  Requiring a gaggle of committed, game-on BMs is not required and is not a realistic expectation.

Drop her if you want, but know that 1) this will make your work relationship super-awkward, 2) everyone who doesn't know the "whole story" (which, by the way, will be everyone, including your coworkers) will think you're a bridezilla, and 3) none of this will matter one day after the wedding, so it's not worth stressing over.  Take the long view here, gain some perspective.  The wedding is a party; an important party, but still just a party.  Act accordingly.

trix1223

What exactly does her work behavior have to do with your wedding?

Mrs.B6302007

If your wedding is really in June 2011, why are any of your BMs picking up their dresses already?

mgietler76

Why don't people lurk?

lalap69

Seriously?  Have you read these boards at all?  NO, YOU CAN'T "ASK HER TO STEP DOWN".  You're kicking her out and it's a friendship ending move.  And don't don't don't replace her.  You were silly to think you needed even sides in the first place.  You should have just asked who you wanted, regardless of how many groomsmen your FI (he's your fiance, not your fiancee, btw) had.

ETA after reading your response:
If your FI is asking people just to have even numbers, then he's treating people like props.  Your wedding day is more than a photo op, and these are real people who are being treated unfairly.

I also agree with PP about buying dresses so early.  I'm getting married July 2011.  I've only just started LOOKING at dresses.  So much can change between now and your wedding - heck, you can have a baby in this amount of time.  And you can't be sure that everyone's bodies are going to stay the same.  WHY are you asking them to have their dresses this far out?

You're being completely unreasonable.

Manwaithiel

Your wedding is not until 2 weeks after mine.

My BMs have not even picked out what they're going to wear yet. And that's okay. They have several months.

Her work behavior is none of your concern.

And you don't have "slots" when it comes to BPs. You invite the people who are nearest and dearest, your FI invites his nearest and dearest and then you go get married.

eshaufle

Kicking a bridesmaid out of the WP is a big no no.  I seriously think this gets asked like everyday...

How she acts at work should have nothing to do with your friendship.  I have some friends that talk to me about things they do or are complaining about at work that seriously make me cringe lol.  That's their work life though...that's completely separate from our friendship.

Uneven sides don't matter either.

SSaltzman87

I agree with the PPs that the OP should've lurked around this board before posting. This question comes up ALL THE FREAKIN TIME.

Your BM's work behavior shouldn't have ANY bearing on your wedding, AT ALL!

It would also be INCREDIBLY rude to replace said BM with another person should you choose to boot her. That actually happened to me and you have NO idea how angry and hurt that makes someone feel.

You made this bed, now you get to lie in it. It's just ONE day.

PeonyPrincesskdd

You and your FI are obviously newlyweds and do not know how weddings and wedding parties work.  You obviously need to tell your FI about the new generation of today's bridal parties.  It's not 1985 anymore.  Bridal parties do not have to be even, they do not have to have matching attire and matching shoes and matching hairstyles and matching nail polish and matching jewelry.. more importantly they do not need to be even sides.

Update your FI about the new standards/rules/customs that now go on in today's wedding world, and that uneven sides are very exceptable and more realistic.

If you have 5 best friends forever and he only has 2, it doesn't make sense to drop 3 of your girls.. or for him to add 3 "nobody's".  etc.  That is why uneven sides are what it is now.

Really.  You need to lurk on here and read and see that everyone does uneven sides if they have to, and their weddings turned out great. 

If you don't believe me, make up a new thread and post a poll and see.  That has been done before and many girls responded saying yes they had uneven sides.  And explained how it works. 

You just need to know the processional.. girls walk themselves down the aisle

The recessional is where people need to be doubled up.  But nobody pays attention to the recessional.  They are looking at the bride and groom at the back of the church walking out.

Also introductions for reception.. people can be doubled up or people go out alone.. or all at the same time.. your DJ will be able to help you out with that.

kalijane28

I feel like almost every bride has a flakey bridesmaid! Welcome to the club! Who cares? Laugh it off, there are bigger better things to spend your time thinking about!