NWR: Am I Crazy To Be Bothered By This?

megk8oz

This board has essentially become my home base, and the people whose advice I trust the most hang out here, so this is where I'm coming to for my little personal issues.

So over the past few months, DH was transferred to a new branch (He's in banking, recently became a manager, thus the transfer). He's been with the company for a few years, and actually the last branch he worked in was my bank years before I even met him, so naturally I knew all of his co-workers. So there was never a "Me meeting who he works with" there.

But now he's at this new place, and he's got new staff, and some supervisors have changed positions and all this stuff ... and basically now I don't know any of these people that he works with. However, he works locally, so I'll sometimes visit him on my days off, bringing him lunch or pop in to say "Hi" if I'm shopping in the area. And now I'm meeting all of these new people when I stop in, obviously.

Anyway, pretty much everybody he's introduced me to since he started there has had the following conversation (Or a very similar variation) after I leave:

Random Employee: "So that's the wife/FI, huh?"
DH: "Yup, that's her"
RE "You know, she's not what I expected at all".
DH: "Really? How so?"
RE: "Well, I always pictured you as a guy that went for personality"
DH: (offended by this): "Well, she has a personality. A great one"
RE: "No, no you're right, she really is nice ... I just figured you would go for personality first".

And then of course DH responds with "What the hell is that supposed to mean?", and to date, he has yet to get a real answer.

So we're both actually kind of bothered by this. DH kind of takes it like "Am I so hideous that it's hard for people to believe you married me?" ... and I take it like  ... well, I'm not sure I can really describe how I take it, but it really bothers the hell out of me.

So what I really want to know, honestly, am I nuts for being bothered by people saying stuff like this?

etaraskewich

You are NOT crazy. It sounds like that coworker has no tact, no common sense, and no filter on their mouth. That would bother me too.

bablingbrooke

Why would he bring that up to you at all?  

megk8oz

Well, it's been quite a few people, and I don't really think he was thinking that it was going to bother me so much if he mentioned it ... it only came up because he was venting that he felt everybody was treating him like he was this ugly little troll that by some miracle married a super-model, so he was upset by it.

bablingbrooke

Well, if it helps, my DH is 11 years older than me.  When we're both dressed in the same "style" (i.e. business or casual) we look like we're within 5 years of each other's ages, but when I look like a dumpy law student and he's in his suit for work, we look about 20 years apart.  The first time I went to his new office and met his coworkers I looked like said dumpy law student and he was dressed up.  You can guess the comments he got...

EDIT: My point is to just ignore it.  You know what you have, they have no idea.  You know how lucky you are.

gottahavashorti

That employee needs to learn how to talk to his managers.

I'm going to interpret that conversation as meaning that they feel that your husband is not at all shallow and they think you're hot enough that any guy would be immediately attracted to your looks, then realize that they're equally attracted to your personality.  Regardless of what the heck they meant by it.

emilyinchile

I cannot believe people say that! Whether their insinuation is the your DH is in fact an "ugly little troll" (which I'm sorry he would feel like that, but the phrase did make me laugh) who got lucky or that you must be a blonde bimbo, it's totally inappropriate. If I were him, I respond with "are you implying that she's too pretty to be smart or just that she's too good looking for me?" and when people start backtracking just say "that was a really rude and inappropriate comment" and walk away. I'm guessing news of something like that would spread.

And yes, it would bother me too...what a-holes his coworkers sound like!

SarahPLiz

Im with gottahavashorti.
It definitely means you are hot! Maybe hot and dumb but definitely hot! And that's not something a lot of us hear all the time from people other than our FI/DH.

I do agree that its kinda shitty for them to say that though. What if your roles were reversed and he had said " hmmm. I thought you would have gone for looks".. that would have been mean too. I think the employee is just a douche and I hope your DH realizes that..

trix1223

The guy is clearly a socially inept jerk.  So he's not even worth 2 minutes of your time meg.  You love your DH. He adores you.  And that's everything.

Dont' let the doofus get to you, sweetie.

megk8oz

I feel a little better. Thanks guys.

I guess I find it weird because our entire relationship, it's always people that know DH first that kind of think it's odd that he "got me", but people I know don't bat an eye when they meet him. I guess it's because he's so proud of his "geek" nature, which I'm totally one, too, people find it odd that he didn't like marry somebody who looks the part (I know "Whaaaa, I'm being judged for being blonde. Feel sorry for me", lol).

And I guess another part of it is that I was a bit of an ugly duckling in high school, so I've always "had personality" ... it's really weird growing up like that hearing that people pretty much think I was married for my looks. And I'm not that insanely attractive compared to him, I feel we're very "on par" in the looks department (Equal levels of cuteness, lol) ... so again, it's just weird, and it left me feeling very bothered.

But I feel better now. He didn't "marry a hot chick that happened to have a personality". He "married a girl with a great personality ... that happens to be hot", lol.

megk8oz

Oh, Stina, no, it wasn't said to me ... I don't know how much of my "personality" would shine through if that got said to my face.. This is just what gets said to DH after people meet me. It kinda sounds like they basically think he "went for me" because I look like Barbie or something and he just so happened to get lucky that I was nice person on top of that ... Idk, like I'm out of his league or something, which I really can't see it.

But, the fact that more than one person has made similar comments to him just rubbed me the wrong way. So I don't think there's anything I can do about it, but I at least wanted to know that I was right to be bothered by it, like that it is something rude for people to be saying.

stina93446

Oh ok. I was going to say....let me at em!

Even still, why the eff would people say this TO your hubby? It makes no sense and actually could rub the wrong way with the new manager.

megk8oz

I don't really get it either ... like do they think they're just "making conversation" or something?

I guess I really should just chalk this up to "Stupid people say stupid things" and let it go.

stina93446

Maybe they only saw it as a compliment and thought they were getting in good with the new management.....WRONG!

megk8oz

Maybe, lol ... like it was their "foot in mouth" way of saying "You're wife is hot", hahaha.

stina93446

I would try to take it that way.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nwr-am-crazy-bothered-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8413a129-26f3-44b0-8a63-e53f4d9b3191Post:f5dc3b19-856f-48a2-9b77-7c5ba9421534">Re: NWR: Am I Crazy To Be Bothered By This?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, if it helps, my DH is 11 years older than me.  When we're both dressed in the same "style" (i.e. business or casual) we look like we're within 5 years of each other's ages, but when I look like a dumpy law student and he's in his suit for work, we look about 20 years apart.  The first time I went to his new office and met his coworkers I looked like said dumpy law student and he was dressed up.  You can guess the comments he got... EDIT: My point is to just ignore it.  You know what you have, they have no idea.  You know how lucky you are.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

FI and I are 8 years apart. But he has very dark hair that is going gray. I had a coworker (with no tact) see a picture of us and say to me once, "Is that your man? How old is he? He looks old." I was like, "older than me." Dur, her's 35. It is not "old." He started going gray around age 27. (As did my dad, truth be told.)

Meg, how many exactly have said this and who are they? That is very unprofessional. I don't think they think he's ugly, but they definitely think you are HOT. Regardless, there are some things you keep to yourself. Holy awkwardness.

ETA: Upon just meeting someone new and maybe exchanging a few sentences with them, I do understand how their first impression of you mostly has to do with looks. Still not something they should say, but obviously they don't know a lot about your personality - yet.

jeannigirl

This is what I say who cares what others say. Don't let it get to you really you know who you are. 

Just shrug it off and smile and be who you are.