Wedding Party

Attention Seeking Bridesmaid

I have been friends with this girl for about 4 years and throughout the time I have known her she has been The Star and I have been the looked over Sidekick. At times I felt resentment towards her when she would shamelessly steal the show but most of the time I recognized that that was simply the person she was and if I wanted to be her friend I would have to deal with everything constantly being about her.

When I got engaged, she seemed happy for a few minutes and then began to tell me what she wanted for her dream wedding when she was not engaged. When we once discussed what the bridesmaids would carry down the aisle, I mentioned that I liked the look of fans. She shot me down and informed me that bouquets are a must. She demanded to know why I have such a small guest list and then proceeded to ramble about how important the wedding day is. When I tried to defuse her and say that I feel that the marriage is more important than a big party, she got annoyed. Ever since I broke the news, she has tried to turn it into her idea of what my wedding should be. She committed to dress shopping a month in advance and a week beforehand informed me that she and her boyfriend were going on an impromptu vacation. I was annoyed but it wasn't a huge deal. Today I get a text saying "hey we're engaged but not officially and I want to know if you'll help me make favors and invitations."

I am more than happy for her, but I wonder if she remembers that I have my own wedding to plan and that while I am supposed to be helping her with her favors, etc. I should also be doing my own? I feel tired of playing second fiddle to her because that has been the story of our entire friendship. Because of this, I have not discussed my wedding with her in a few months and she seems perfectly content to talk about herself. Am I being ridiculous?
Created by Wedding Favors

Re: Attention Seeking Bridesmaid

  • No you're not being ridiculous, but I wonder why you chose her to be in your wedding party.
  • I had hoped it would be a fresh start for our friendship because a month or two before, we were having a somewhat rocky patch. I completely regret my decision and don't really know what to do. Last time I told her I felt she was acting self centered and materialistic, she freaked out so it's hard to get through to her.
    Created by Wedding Favors
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2010
    You were excited when you first got engaged.  She is excited now that she is engaged.   Just because you got engaged first does not mean that she doesn't get to be as excited about hers as you did about yours.  It's big news, she's allowed to talk about it with her best friend.  She's allowed to go on vacation instead of doing shopping for your wedding.  She has a life outside your wedding, just as you have a life outside hers.  

    Having said all that, you each only get one day for your weddings, so I think a moratorium on all wedding talk for awhilewould be good.  You're starting to view this as a competition and that's not healthy.

    Decline if you don't want to help her with favours.  Change the subject from weddings to something else.  No one likes a single issue friend, so I don't blame you for being annoyed with hearing about her wedding plans nonstop.  But know that you don't really have any right to be annoyed that you were engaged first and that she's stealing attention--and don't deny it, that was the title of your post!

    ETA: I do agree that this friendship sounds like it needs some help.  Try saving the friendship, then focus on the wedding bits.  Would you have wanted to end your friendship over this even if you weren't getting married?
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_attention-seeking-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:84d899e0-0a85-44b1-861a-2de05ad000cfPost:fe77d380-13af-48e5-8a85-d574ac9adcdf">Attention Seeking Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have been friends with this girl for about 4 years and throughout the time I have known her she has been The Star and I have been the looked over Sidekick. At times I felt resentment towards her when she would shamelessly steal the show but most of the time I recognized that that was simply the person she was and if I wanted to be her friend I would have to deal with everything constantly being about her. When I got engaged, she seemed happy for a few minutes and then began to tell me what she wanted for her dream wedding when she was not engaged. When we once discussed what the bridesmaids would carry down the aisle, I mentioned that I liked the look of fans. She shot me down and informed me that bouquets are a must. She demanded to know why I have such a small guest list and then proceeded to ramble about how important the wedding day is. When I tried to defuse her and say that I feel that the marriage is more important than a big party, she got annoyed. Ever since I broke the news, she has tried to turn it into her idea of what my wedding should be. She committed to dress shopping a month in advance and a week beforehand informed me that she and her boyfriend were going on an impromptu vacation. I was annoyed but it wasn't a huge deal. Today I get a text saying <strong>"hey we're engaged but not officially and I want to know if you'll help me make favors and invitations." </strong>I am more than happy for her, but I wonder if she remembers that I have my own wedding to plan and that while I am supposed to be helping her with her favors, etc. I should also be doing my own? I feel tired of playing second fiddle to her because that has been the story of our entire friendship. Because of this, I have not discussed my wedding with her in a few months and she seems perfectly content to talk about herself. Am I being ridiculous?
    Posted by slginder91187[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>What's ridiculous is that she's asking you to do favors and invitations for a wedding that's not even happening for her yet.  I think it's perfectly fine for you to decline helping her with her "wedding".  Tell her that you have a lot going on with yours right now but maybe after your wedding you'll have some time.

    </div>
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  • Yes, she is allowed to go on vacation. I wouldn't have had a problem with it if she hadn't already committed so far in advance. As a matter of fact, she was the one who set the date to go dress shopping because she had a problem with the one I had chosen. If you make a committment to someone, you need to honor it. I never said I was upset that she is engaged, I just think that she needs to stop being self absorbed and remember that everything does not revolve around her and what she wants. If you're in someone's wedding party and you become engaged yourself, it is fine to talk about your wedding, but that doesn't mean you also abandon your friend in order to concentrate on your own thing.
    Created by Wedding Favors
  • The more you write, slginder, the more I agree with you.  She doesn't sound like a very good friend.  Why are you still friends with her?
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  • Well, I sense that your mistake was in expecting her to change, or for the wedding to bring you closer.  It just doesn't happen that way as far as I've seen.  I'm sorry that you regret your decision, and unfortunately you're stuck with her.  As you've probably seen by lurking, kicking her out or firing her from the WP will only end the friendship and make you look bad.
  • She isn't...she has good qualities but it can be very hard to really like her. I think I am still friends with her because I have known her for so long and I would feel bad if I dropped her. My fiance doesn't like her and neither does the rest of the wedding party. I don't really know what to do at this point...in a way I don't want her around anymore because of the selfishness, but I also don't want to hurt her feelings.
    Created by Wedding Favors
  • Maybe she'll dump you from her wedding for being so "unsupportive" ;)  
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  • I see my mistake now and I think I knew from the beginning it wouldn't work out the way I had hoped. I shall have to find a way to deal with it...I'm just thankful she didn't ask me to be in the wedding party so I don't have to feel guilty about not being able to help her with favors and such.
    Created by Wedding Favors
  • You're kind of in a lose-lose situation here. It is really bizarre that she's asking you to help with favors and invitations for her not even planned wedding. I don't remember favors or invites even remotely crossing my mind when I first got engaged, but whatever. Politely decline that and say that you're kind of busy with your own.

    My mother has kind of got it into her head that I should use my wedding as a way to repair relationships...but honestly, weddings can get so stressful and dramatic in spite of the best of intentions that a relationship that is already rocky will probably only become more so because of a wedding. You seem to have realized this though.

    Just let her do her own dress shopping. She's a big girl and if she insists on you coming and you really can't make it, just say "The times we originally scheduled were really the only times I could make it and now I'm neck deep in planning, work, etc." Just let her do it herself.

    As far as her being a maidzilla and forcing ideas of her ideal wedding down your throat just try to gently wave her off. If she gets more forceful, get stern. "*Insert name here* I love you and you're one of my best friends, but you're really hurting my feelings by criticizing every idea I have for this wedding. I'll be more than happy to help you with your own wedding dreams when you're planning yours, but right now, I'm planning mine and I want these things and I would appreciate your support."

    Just do your best to be the bigger person. I don't think you're trying to be "I got engaged first it's not fair!" but you could easily come across that way especially if she's as self-absorbed as you convey.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_attention-seeking-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:84d899e0-0a85-44b1-861a-2de05ad000cfPost:d1352cf8-51f3-4a43-acdf-0fde1c0f6a52">Re: Attention Seeking Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]And this is why weddings should never be used for "bonding" or "reconnecting".
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Or the expectations that a wedding and a ring will cause immature jackass fiances to become caring, mature, loving husbands. People have the silliest notion that weddings and babies are cure-alls.
  • Stop bringing up your wedding around her or telling her your ideas.  You don't need her permission, and she's decided not to be positive about it, so there's no point.  Ignore the random comments about favors and invitations until she asks you to do something specific on a particular day, then tell her you can't make it.  If she won't commit to a dress shopping trip, tell her you'll have to pick the dress without her, and then just choose something in her budget and tell her when she needs to order it by.
    Married 10/2/10
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_attention-seeking-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:84d899e0-0a85-44b1-861a-2de05ad000cfPost:92ebc09d-9441-46c0-ab68-18356f5483cb">Re: Attention Seeking Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]She isn't...she has good qualities but it can be very hard to really like her. I think <strong>I am still friends with her because I have known her for so long and I would feel bad if I dropped her.</strong> My fiance doesn't like her and neither does the rest of the wedding party. I don't really know what to do at this point...in a way I don't want her around anymore because of the selfishness, but<strong> I also don't want to hurt her feelings.
    </strong>Posted by slginder91187[/QUOTE]

    you should be someone's friend out of pity or feeling back about hurting their feelings....

    people grow and change so you gain friends and lose friends...it's not like you would wage war and say nasty things and have a terrible break up - you just distance yourself and let it go it's course...

    at the same time obvously you don't want to hurt her feelings but she doesn't seem to have a regard for yours (at least that is the feeling i am getting).

    with that said i am not saying to kick her out of the bp - plenty of posts on here about that  in which you can read up on if you haven't, but something to think about post wedding...
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