MOH Help....

fishinflagirl

Warning....this is a little long, sorry. In advance, thanks for reading and the advice.
 
My wedding isnt unitl 6/9/12 so obviously it is plenty far enough off to not have to decide now, BUT I have been thinking about it because im kind of in a sticky situation with my choices. I wont be announcing to anyone until next year at our engagement party, but like I said just thinking about it and getting opinions from others since I really dont want to talk about it with the girls im thinking about.
So, I have a younger sister that I do not get along with, AT ALL. We have always butted heads. She came home from Alabama just recently and I tried my hardest to be nice. When she started a fight, I would change the subject, but it just ended horribly and I was glad she went back. She is the most irresponsible person I know and she is too opinionated and not very openminded. Its usually her way or she just whines.
On the other hand, my cousin who is a few years older than me has talked about my wedding and helped me start planning, she goes to the stores, alone, and is always on the computer and thinking of new ideas and just eager to help with everything. Her and I get along and she has been there a lot for me. The only thing is we just reconnected after not talking for most of our life (my parents and hers did not get along so we never saw each other). So, we have been constantly together like sisters for almost 2 years now. Im just nervous something will happen between us or my FI and her husband and we will stop talking. Which is also the reason im kind of waiting a year to really say anything to make sure I still talk to everyone. haha I wouldnt think so because of the maturity and her and I are just a like and dont like conflict...but you never know.
Anyways, after all thats said, my mom has begged me to have my sister as the MOH. BEGGED me!! She told me to wait a year or longer and maybe things will change with her. I just dont see that happening, but I am waiting and trying for my moms sake. I really want my cousin and my mom is sooo mad at me for even thinking about that idea. I know im going to need someone who is responsible and is there for me, and also someone that does like in another state. My cousin is so crafty and good with planning and helping. And for a DIY bride, I will need her skills in crafts and her imagination.
What do you think....
Thanks!!!

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]Warning....this is a little long, sorry. In advance, thanks for reading and the advice.   My wedding isnt unitl 6/9/12 so obviously it is plenty far enough off to not have to decide now, BUT I have been thinking about it because im kind of in a sticky situation with my choices. I wont be announcing to anyone until next year at our engagement party, but like I said just thinking about it and getting opinions from others since I really dont want to talk about it with the girls im thinking about. So, I have a younger sister that I do not get along with, AT ALL. We have always butted heads. She came home from Alabama just recently and I tried my hardest to be nice. When she started a fight, I would change the subject, but it just ended horribly and I was glad she went back. She is the most irresponsible person I know and she is too opinionated and not very openminded. Its usually her way or she just whines. On the other hand, my cousin who is a few years older than me has talked about my wedding and helped me start planning, she goes to the stores, alone, and is always on the computer and thinking of new ideas and just eager to help with everything. Her and I get along and she has been there a lot for me. The only thing is we just reconnected after not talking for most of our life (my parents and hers did not get along so we never saw each other). So, we have been constantly together like sisters for almost 2 years now. Im just nervous something will happen between us or my FI and her husband and we will stop talking. Which is also the reason im kind of waiting a year to really say anything to make sure I still talk to everyone. haha I wouldnt think so because of the maturity and her and I are just a like and dont like conflict...but you never know. Anyways, after all thats said, my mom has begged me to have my sister as the MOH. BEGGED me!! She told me to wait a year or longer and maybe things will change with her. I just dont see that happening, but I am waiting and trying for my moms sake. I really want my cousin and my mom is sooo mad at me for even thinking about that idea. I know im going to need someone who is responsible and is there for me, and also someone that does like in another state. My cousin is so crafty and good with planning and helping. And for a DIY bride, I will need her skills in crafts and her imagination. What do you think.... Thanks!!!
Posted by fishinflagirl[/QUOTE]

For internet safety purposes, you may want to take your FI's name out of your sig.

MOH is an honor that does not come with duties.  Your cousin can offer to help you or decline requests to help if she is MOH, a BM or not in the wedding at all.

Not having a sibling in the WP or in the position expected in your family can cause family drama for years to come.  That said, MOH is supposed to be your best friend other than your FI so I'd go with co-MOH - your sister and your best friend.  That could mean your sister and your cousin, or your sister and someone else.

AutumnFair

Your going to hear this a lot but you do not pick your MOH just because she can do stuff for you. Your cousin is already helping you without the title, I doubt it would change if you gave MOH title to your sister. She obviously loves weddings and wants to help, so as long as she wants to help you then keep sharing wedding stuff. 

Your mom is right, you should put this situation in the back of your mind until next summer, I would say even into the Fall. You've said it yourself, you never really connected to this cousin until now, so obviously relationship with people change for the good and the bad. Depending on how young your sister is people at a H.S. and even early college age have the "me" attitude. Sometimes it takes a long time before people to mature. 

The MOH is the closest person to you, that if you had an emergency situation at 3 AM you would call. The MOH does not automatically go to siblings, but most the time, your sibling will always be in your life, friends, cousins, etc may drift apart. So do not choose based on who is going to help you, based on the closest relationship and wait until a year or more before making a decision.

mbcdefg

Your mother is right. Wait at least a year and then see if things change. Especially if your sister is around age 22 or younger (girls that age are just giant biitches by nature).

When the time comes ... either have your sister as MOH to appease your mom and prevent World War III ... don't have a MOH at all and sidestep the problem ... or choose your closest friend (regardless of what she may be able to do for your wedding) and stand up to Mommy as an adult.

Manwaithiel

Tell your mother to let you think and to not bring it up again until you bring it up with her. It's kind of unfair to say "Wait a year" and then beg you to have a particular person. It's basically loading the deck. If your sister and you are on such bad terms when it's time for you to decide, she will most likely not give a crap about being MOH or not. Your mom might feel hurt for her, but mom's do that all the time. That doesn't make it right to guilt trip you into something.

My mom and I had a similar situation except that she was trying to tell my FI that my brother needed to be a groomsmen. Brother is mean to both of us, why the heck would I have him the wedding party? She was pretty mad for awhile, but I just told her this: "Mom, we are two adults now. We are not 4 year olds fighting over the crayons. We're going to deal with our issues in our way, in our own time. In the mean time, if he is unwilling to at least act like he's related to me (which he is) then I am not willing to have him stand in a position he does not deserve." He's my brother so of course I'm inviting him to the wedding. But he is by no means a friend to either I or FI. Mom eventually got over it and has moved on to worrying about other things.

Just wait awhile. When is your engagement party? I would honestly wait until about Thanksgiving of 2012 before asking anyone.

Good luck with this.

trix1223

Everyone else has commented on the asking people part.  I just want to comment on the "announcing it at an engagement party part."

Unless you've already asked them, you don't "announce" a WP.  You privately ask each person ahead of time and allow them to accept or decline the honor.

We get questions here a lot from people who want to ask all their friends at the same time~at a lunch, or dinner, etc. to be in the WP.  OR they want to invite their friends to an e-party and then "announce" that Surprise!!  You're a member of the WP.

If I'm wrong about your intentions, then I'm very happy.  But please, don't make a big announcement at the e-party.  And frankly, if you have, as you should, asked everyone, then making a dramatic "announcement" sounds a bit unneccessary anyway.

Oh, and don't ask anyone until about 10 months before your wedding.  You'll thank us for the advice.  Really. 

mbcdefg

And why does the bridal party need to be announced at the engagement party in the first place?

fishinflagirl

It will not necessarily be announced at the engagement party. I will ask the people who I want ahead of the party privately in case they do decline, but I thought at the E-party that you knew your wedding party at that time. Im not sure abotu that though? Basically I was going to have them show up in Bridesmaid/MOH tank tops so they stick out. The E-party will not be held until next year around June-July, maybe later.
Im also not picking my cousin as MOH ONLY because she will help me, im thinking of chosing her because she is like my best friend and has been there more for me in a year than my sister has ever. I am definitely waiting until next year to decide, just in case things turn for the worse, I dont think they would, but you never know. I just dont see my sister being there for me throught the rough times when I need to cry or freak out about something so small. My sister, if not MOH, will most definitely be a BM, but my mom still isnt happy with that. haha

gottahaveashorty, thats a really good idea. I will keep that in mind.

Thanks girls for the ideas and advice. I do know from everyone saying, not to pick until next year. So, pick before your E-party, or does it matter? When did you hold your E-party. I was going to do mine June/July next year and before that chose my MOH/BM's. More advice... thanks girls!!

aerinpegadrak

I'd never even heard of an engagement party until the Knot.  As a guest, I'd find it kind of awkward to sit through introductions of the wedding party.  Additionally, any guests invited to the engagement party need to be invited to the wedding, so you'd be locking yourself into a guest list VERY early on.  So if you need to make cuts down the line (and a lot of couples do), you're going to be stuck.

fishinflagirl

I have been a BM for two weddings, and now a third in another wedding next year. The one girl announced us at her party after speaking to us before hand, and the other we wore tank tops with BM and MOH on them, and everyone loved it. But I was a little uncomfortable in mine, only because im a bit bigger and it didnt fit as well as I would have liked. So, I think you are right there. My engagement party is going to be very close family, and friends I know will be invited, and the WP. As for family, unfortunately it will only be mine there for now. We are not on good terms with his mother and father is in a nursing home due to a major stroke. Its a horrible situation and I hope its resolved in time for his sake. Anyways, it will be super casual, more like a typical party or BBQ, but you are right, it is a little uncomfortable wearing the tops. I just thought it was a cute idea at my friends, we all took pictures together and it was known to everyone who we were.
My close family loves to party, so this is not a formal E-party, just like my wedding is very informal and nontraditional.