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Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid

In need of some advice from unbaised brides and bridesmaids!

One of my bridesmaids live in Mississippi for school and I live in West Virginia. She knew she was going to become a bridesmaids before accepting her position in Mississippi-so let me get that point across first.

The first issue is that she would have to fly in or the wedding. Trying to be a good bride,I offered to pay for her DRESS if she could pay for her travel accommodations. Instead of accepting what I was offering,she turned it around and told me to pay for the travel and she would pay for the dress...which is HALF the cost of the flight.

On top of this,she came into town the past two weekends and has failed to try to get a hold of me even though I asked her twice if we could get together since I won't see her again until the rehearsal.

She never asks me about the wedding,hasn't offered to help or do anything,and always gossips about the wedding to one of my other bridesmaids,who is a closer friend to her.

I have half the notion to tell her I don't want her in the wedding anymore if she isn't going to act interested in talking to her but a lot of other people have suggested to just tell her I can't pay for the flight and if she doesn't want to be in the wedding at that point,she doesn't have to.

Thoughts...ideas...guidance??
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Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid

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    That was very generous of you to offer to pay for her dress.  Regarding the "pay for flight instead" question, you can always say "I wish I could, but X is all I can afford to pitch in."

    You can't kick her out for this, it will make you look like a big jerk.  If she decides she can't afford it she'll probably take herself out.  But you really can't ask her to step down.  You could always offer to let her pick out a cheaper dress that matches your color scheme.  Or you could help her look into cheaper modes of transportation - Greyhound isn't ideal but the price sure is right.

    As for coming home and not seeing you, well that would irritate me too, but again its not worth having a fight over.  Coming home from college she was most likely being pulled in a hundred different directions by family, friends, etc. and she probably didnt have enough time to see everyone she would have liked to.  Its okay to be disappointed, but I don't think you should bring this up to her.

    For what its worth, I live 3000 miles away from my bridesmaids so I only saw them  a couple times during the engagement when I traveled home for quick weekend trips for my shower and vendor visits.  We talked on the phone but not all of them cared to talk about the wedding as much as I would have liked, and one really didn't ask about it at all.  I found it very helpful to remind myself that everybody has different things going on in their lives and that nobody is going to care as much about the wedding as I did.  Try to keep that in mind too, it may keep you from getting upset with your friends.
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    Piggy backing on what Robyn said, are you attempting to get ahold of her?  Or being a good friend to her?  If she knows all that's going to happen if she gets together with you when she comes to town is 100% wedding, she probably doesn't really care to do it.  Your wedding may seem really close to you, but not to her, especially while she is still in school.  She has a ton of things going on with her, I'm sure--why don't you call her, don't bring up the wedding, and just see what's going on in her life? Be a friend first.
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    The first issue is that she would have to fly in or the wedding. Trying to be a good bride,I offered to pay for her DRESS if she could pay for her travel accommodations. Instead of accepting what I was offering,she turned it around and told me to pay for the travel and she would pay for the dress...which is HALF the cost of the flight.
    As previous poster said, you can offer X amount of money and leave it at that. Her travel expenses aren't your responsibility. I mean, it would be nice, but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. And if she can't afford it, well, then she just can't come.

    On top of this,she came into town the past two weekends and has failed to try to get a hold of me even though I asked her twice if we could get together since I won't see her again until the rehearsal.

    Did you try to get a hold of her?

    She never asks me about the wedding,hasn't offered to help or do anything,and always gossips about the wedding to one of my other bridesmaids,who is a closer friend to her.
    She doesn't have to ask about your wedding or offer to help or do anything.
    And I want to chastise her for gossiping about your wedding, but that would be hypocritical. Most people gossip. It's not something I condone, but I can't condemn it without being a hypocrite. I mean, you're gossiping about her, so you can't really be upset about her gossiping, right?


    I have half the notion to tell her I don't want her in the wedding anymore if she isn't going to act interested in talking to her but a lot of other people have suggested to just tell her I can't pay for the flight and if she doesn't want to be in the wedding at that point,she doesn't have to.
    Do you really want her to "act" interested?
    I wouldn't go as far as telling her you don;t want her in the wedding anymore because that will end the friendship. Do you really want to end a friendship over this?
    Just let her know that you can only afford X amount and that's that. Her not showing up is a way for her to remove herself. But don't remove her or you will be the one ending the friendship and that's nto what you really want, is it?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:dce9c0e2-7bd8-445b-aba2-80ff686110b1">Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In need of some advice from unbaised brides and bridesmaids! One of my bridesmaids live in Mississippi for school and I live in West Virginia. She knew she was going to become a bridesmaids before accepting her position in Mississippi-so let me get that point across first. The first issue is that she would have to fly in or the wedding. Trying to be a good bride,I offered to pay for her DRESS if she could pay for her travel accommodations. Instead of accepting what I was offering,she turned it around and told me to pay for the travel and she would pay for the dress...which is HALF the cost of the flight. On top of this,she came into town the past two weekends and has failed to try to get a hold of me even though I asked her twice if we could get together since I won't see her again until the rehearsal. <strong>She never asks me about the wedding,hasn't offered to help or do anything,and always gossips about the wedding to one of my other bridesmaids,who is a closer friend to her</strong><u>.</u> I have half the notion to tell her I don't want her in the wedding anymore if she isn't going to act interested in talking to her but a lot of other people have suggested to just tell her I can't pay for the flight and if she doesn't want to be in the wedding at that point,she doesn't have to. Thoughts...ideas...guidance??
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

    Once again BMs are not required to be interested in your wedding or help you. This is something you need to get over because if you take a step back you will see it just looks like you are wanting attention with the a lot of "me" attitude.

    Advice to you,  just tell her you would love to help her out with more expenses but you just don't have the money. It is her responsibility to pay for travel expenses and if she can't do it, it is up to <em>her</em> to bow out.

    Note for you, I ditto what PP said about not talking to you while she is home. Sometimes when people come home they are busy and just want to see family, also she may not want to hang out with you if your going to go on and on about your wedding. Maybe just regular conversations of how SHE is doing in life like her schooling, etc would help get better communication out of her.

    Once again, maybe her lack of communication has to do with a lot of studying, I had a number of semesters where my class load was pure insanity and even the simplest thing to remember like calling someone was very hard to remember and it really surprised me how fast days, weeks, and months would just fly by because I had schooling and other extra activities I was involved in. Then when break came all I wanted to do is recover and most the time my schedule was full of family stuff because breaks usually fall on holidays. So give your friend the benefit of the doubt and either realize that she is A.) really busy B.) not interested in wedding stuff or C.) avoiding wedding stuff because that is the only thing that you want to talk about. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:dce9c0e2-7bd8-445b-aba2-80ff686110b1">Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In need of some advice from unbaised brides and bridesmaids! One of my bridesmaids live in Mississippi for school and I live in West Virginia. <strong>She knew she was going to become a bridesmaids before accepting her position in Mississippi-so let me get that point across first</strong>. The first issue is that she would have to fly in or the wedding. Trying to be a good bride,I offered to pay for her DRESS if she could pay for her travel accommodations. Instead of accepting what I was offering,she turned it around and told me to pay for the travel and she would pay for the dress...which is HALF the cost of the flight. On top of this,she came into town the past two weekends and has failed to try to get a hold of me even though I asked her twice if we could get together since I won't see her again until the rehearsal. She never asks me about the wedding,hasn't offered to help or do anything,and always gossips about the wedding to one of my other bridesmaids,who is a closer friend to her. I have half the notion to tell her I don't want her in the wedding anymore if she isn't going to act interested in talking to her but a lot of other people have suggested to just tell her I can't pay for the flight and if she doesn't want to be in the wedding at that point,she doesn't have to. Thoughts...ideas...guidance??
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

    Should she have turned down a job in Mississippi so she could be a better BM for you?  That makes no sense.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:dce9c0e2-7bd8-445b-aba2-80ff686110b1">Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In need of some advice from unbaised brides and bridesmaids! One of my bridesmaids live in Mississippi for school and I live in West Virginia. <strong>She knew she was going to become a bridesmaids before accepting her position in Mississippi-so let me get that point across first.</strong> The first issue is that she would have to fly in or the wedding. Trying to be a good bride,I offered to pay for her DRESS if she could pay for her travel accommodations. Instead of accepting what I was offering,she turned it around and told me to pay for the travel and she would pay for the dress...which is HALF the cost of the flight. On top of this,she came into town the past two weekends and has failed to try to get a hold of me even though I asked her twice if we could get together since I won't see her again until the rehearsal. She never asks me about the wedding,hasn't offered to help or do anything,and always gossips about the wedding to one of my other bridesmaids,who is a closer friend to her. I have half the notion to tell her I don't want her in the wedding anymore if she isn't going to act interested in talking to her but a lot of other people have suggested to just tell her I can't pay for the flight and if she doesn't want to be in the wedding at that point,she doesn't have to. Thoughts...ideas...guidance?? Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

    Are you saying here that she knew she was going to be a bridesmaid before she accepted a JOB in Mississippi? REALLY?! You are off your rocker if you think your wedding is more important than her future. That's absurd.

    I have NO bridesmaids in the same state as me. We are getting along just fine. That is irrelevant. Nothing is required of them except to be there at the wedding in the dress. That is it.

    I know it must have hurt your feelings that she has been in town recently and not made an effort to see you-- I totally get that. But she may have other things to do. Her time there is limited, and you and your wedding are not her life. Have you thought to go and visit HER in Mississippi?

    Try reaching out and talking to her about something other than your wedding. I get the feeling this may be a case of "I am sick of hearing about it" and she may just have moved on to try and continue to live her own life instead of being absorbed in yours. The money thing is your call-- if you can't pay for it, you can't pay for it, and it was wrong of her to ask. But if you really want her there you may want to give in. That's entirely up to you. However you can NOT kick her out. It's immature and inappropriate and will make everyone think you're the bridezilla that first paragraph makes you sound like.
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    That bolded sentences about her job implies that you think your wedding is more important that her JOB.  Reality is that she's probably just not that "in" to your wedding.  She's done nothing wrong.  Why would you very publically slight her by kicking her out of the WP?

    Perhaps she didn't get in touch with you because it's all wedding with you?  Do you talk to her about her own life.  There's a friendship here, not just a wedding.

    Please don't tell her you don't want her in the wedding anymore.
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    Ditt PPs reagarding the money issue. Tell her you can put x amount towards her travel or her dress. It's on her to cover the rest. If she can't, she won't come. Your wedding is in May. Start looking now for airfare. Try Southwest, AirTran, Jet Blue. If you register with Southwest they send you emails about their sales and the run some great specials $49 one way, $69 one way, etc. It's entirely possible to fly for cheap, you (and she) just need to keep your eyes out for deals.

    As far as her coming home and not visiting, again, she probably had lots to do. When I go home I'm usually only there for 2 or 3 days (sometimes even less!) and everyone wants to see me. I set up very specific times and places where I'll be and invite people to come out or visit and whoever comes, comes. She may not work this way though. If all you're talking about is your wedding, she may not have wanted to hear it.

    And yeah, she had every right to take that job in Mississippi even though she was already your BM. That's like telling a BM not to get pregnant before your wedding. They can't put their lives on hold for you and your wedding.

    Try calling her and asking her about her job, how she's liking Mississippi, has she met any cool people, etc. Leave the wedding talk out of it. Then try to make a plan to get her to your wedding that you're both happy with and find a cheap, but great dress that she can wear. Go to department stores, Target, wherever. The dress doesn't have to come from a brial store to make it a BM dress.

    (Wow, that got way longer than expected - I hope she doesn't DD).
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:dce9c0e2-7bd8-445b-aba2-80ff686110b1">Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In need of some advice from unbaised brides and bridesmaids! One of my bridesmaids live in Mississippi for school and I live in West Virginia. She knew she was going to become a bridesmaids before accepting her position in Mississippi-so let me get that point across first. The first issue is that she would have to fly in or the wedding. Trying to be a good bride,I offered to pay for her DRESS if she could pay for her travel accommodations. Instead of accepting what I was offering,she turned it around and told me to pay for the travel and she would pay for the dress...which is HALF the cost of the flight. On top of this,she came into town the past two weekends and has failed to try to get a hold of me even though I asked her twice if we could get together since I won't see her again until the rehearsal. She never asks me about the wedding,hasn't offered to help or do anything,and always gossips about the wedding to one of my other bridesmaids,who is a closer friend to her. I have half the notion to tell her I don't want her in the wedding anymore if she isn't going to act interested in talking to her but a lot of other people have suggested to just tell her I can't pay for the flight and if she doesn't want to be in the wedding at that point,she doesn't have to. Thoughts...ideas...guidance??
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]
    She was not required to pass up a job opportunity in a terrible economy so that she would be available to ooh and aah over your centerpieces.
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    Tell her that you can only afford to pitch in x number of dollars.

    You're being ridiculous about every single other thing you're complaining about.
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    I want to give you the benefit of the doubt from your post.  I'm hoping that by saying "she knew she was going to be a BM when she took a job in MS" you really mean that she should have backed out as BM due to travel issues, not that she should have backed out of the job opportunity.  But I'm probably assuming too much.  She probably wanted to remain part of your wedding party and thought she could make it work, but maybe now she is realizing that it's going to be harder than she anticipated.  She shouldn't have asked you to pay for her airfare, just like you shouldn't ask guests for cash or ask your BMs to throw you a shower or bach party.  But you gave her your offer to pay for the dress, and now the ball is in her court.  She can either take care of the airfare herself or not come to the wedding.  It's as simple as that.  If she can't afford the airfare, it's not because she hates you or she's a sucky person.  It's just life.  It happens.

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    Brooke, that post made me LOL, love it!

    OP, the girls here are giving you great advice. Be a friend first, a bride second. She may be dealing with other (bigger) things in her life than your wedding. Take a breath and try and put yourself in her shoes. Maybe you're only looking at this from one point of view?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:dce9c0e2-7bd8-445b-aba2-80ff686110b1">Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In need of some advice from unbaised brides and bridesmaids! <strong>One of my bridesmaids live in Mississippi for school and I live in West Virginia. She knew she was going to become a bridesmaids before accepting her position in Mississippi-so let me get that point across first. </strong>The first issue is that she would have to fly in or the wedding. Trying to be a good bride,I offered to pay for her DRESS if she could pay for her travel accommodations. Instead of accepting what I was offering,she turned it around and told me to pay for the travel and she would pay for the dress...which is HALF the cost of the flight. On top of this,she came into town the past two weekends and has failed to try to get a hold of me even though I asked her twice if we could get together since I won't see her again until the rehearsal. She never asks me about the wedding,hasn't offered to help or do anything,and always gossips about the wedding to one of my other bridesmaids,who is a closer friend to her. I have half the notion to tell her I don't want her in the wedding anymore if she isn't going to act interested in talking to her but a lot of other people have suggested to just tell her I can't pay for the flight and if she doesn't want to be in the wedding at that point,she doesn't have to. Thoughts...ideas...guidance??
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]
    Am I the only one that read this as the bridesmaid is in school?  I took the "accepting her position" to mean deciding on that particular college.
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    Oh yeah...I've contacted her twice about getting together and send her good luck messages about grad school and stuff so I at least know I'm doing everything I can on my end!
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    No no...never once did I say she should have turned down a job. Please re-read that before making a post like that.

    What I said was she accepted my bridesmaid position knowing she had to travel and pay for things before going to Mississippi.

    You ladies really need to watch your attutide and stop assuming that I am "off my rocker" for thinking my wedding is more important than a job/school. If you aren't going to make a constructive post like the first few,please do not post on my wall at all.

    Thank you ladies for the HELPFUL advice.

    And FYI-when she came into town,she contacted NUMEROUS people to get together with so no,she isn't just vegging out and relaxing.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:f03c90d5-ffa5-40e4-b1e8-35ad3eae6e55">Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]No no...never once did I say she should have turned down a job. Please re-read that before making a post like that. What I said was she accepted my bridesmaid position knowing she had to travel and pay for things before going to Mississippi. You ladies really need to watch your attutide and stop assuming that I am "off my rocker" for thinking my wedding is more important than a job/school. If you aren't going to make a constructive post like the first few,please do not post on my wall at all. Thank you ladies for the HELPFUL advice. And FYI-when she came into town,she contacted NUMEROUS people to get together with so no,she isn't just vegging out and relaxing.
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

    You are not required to help her financially unless you really can. It would just be nice of you to do so. Follow Robyn's advice as far as how to field that.

    But think about this. Grad School is VERYYY expensive. Any grad school is a lot of money (usually way more than undergrad).

    And really, the point that she knew she was a BM before she moved is completely irrelevant. Even if it's not what you meant, it has nothing to do with the situation. It still sounds completely self-centered. "So and so should have thought of all the expenses of participating in my PPD while gearing up for unknown grad school expenses in an unknown area of the country with unknown expenses of its own." I doubt the first thing to cross her mind when she moved was "Gosh, will I be able to fly out for Laura's wedding and buy a dress?" It obviously wasn't. That doesn't mean she did something wrong. She obviously wants to be a part of it somehow, but a new life is always difficult to adjust to, especially financially, and she has clearly hit a snag and is asking you for help.

    Just handle the situation as stated above and the rest is up to her.
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:f03c90d5-ffa5-40e4-b1e8-35ad3eae6e55">Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]No no...never once did I say she should have turned down a job. Please re-read that before making a post like that. What I said was she accepted my bridesmaid position knowing she had to travel and pay for things before going to Mississippi. <strong>You ladies really need to watch your attutide and stop assuming that I am "off my rocker" for thinking my wedding is more important than a job/school.</strong> If you aren't going to make a constructive post like the first few,please do not post on my wall at all. Thank you ladies for the HELPFUL advice. And FYI-when she came into town,she contacted NUMEROUS people to get together with so no,she isn't just vegging out and relaxing.
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]
    Unfortunately, that's what your original post suggested.  So you got corresponding responses.<div>
    </div><div>I'm a third year law student whose husband has a full-time job that pays very well.  Financially, it is VERY hard for me to travel anywhere, even for a wedding, and it would cost me a lot of money to be in someone's wedding if it required a flight, dress, etc.  If I had no sugar daddy, it would be impossible.  You know why?  NO ONE PAYS YOU.  During my first year, I barely spoke to anyone from back home because I was so overwhelmed with work--and I was the bride.  I just had too much else going on and was spending all my time trying to keep my head above the water that if a good friend had been engaged at the same time, I wouldn't have been 1) available or 2) interested in hearing about it.  Grad school's hard--if it was easy, every undergrad would do it after graduation.  Most don't for a reason: my undergrad debt is something like 1/8 of what my law school debt is, and I have a scholarship!</div><div>
    </div><div>Finally, people here only respond to what you write.  If what you write leads 15 different people to the same conclusion, honey it's what you wrote.  If there's something else going on or something different, by all means say so.  But don't write that you're mad that she moved out of state after agreeing to be a BM and then get appalled that people interpreted that to mean that you're mad that she moved out of state after agreeing to be a BM.</div>
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:f03c90d5-ffa5-40e4-b1e8-35ad3eae6e55">Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>You ladies really need to watch your attutide and stop assuming that I am "off my rocker" for thinking my wedding is more important than a job/school. If you aren't going to make a constructive post like the first few,please do not post on my wall at all. Thank you ladies for the HELPFUL advice. And FYI-when she came into town,she contacted NUMEROUS people to get together with so no,she isn't just vegging out and relaxing.</strong>
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

    Alright, reread your original post again and the quotes that people bolded before where <strong><em>you</em></strong> wanted her to be interested and help you with your wedding stuff. Just because we gave you straight talk about what is and isn't required for a BM doesn't mean that it isn't constructive, because it is. You are irrational if you think that the girl needs to be at your beck and call for your wedding planning. Also once again, maybe she doesn't want to hang out with you if you are going to talk about your wedding non-stop. I would be more worried about just keeping tabs on a friend and how she is doing in life then why she isn't chatting about my wedding or wanting to hang to do stuff for MY wedding.
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    Here's how I feel about one of my bms that lives across the country, (& who's flakey with $$).  If she shows up with her dress, she's in the wedding, if not, she's not.
    But, we'll continue to be friends either way!
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    tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    edited December 2010
    OK OP.  I only had to see the words "grad school" here.  You need to back off and follow the previously given advice to offer to kick in x dollars to help her out.  If she shows up she shows up.  If she doesn't. uneven sides are fine. 

    While I was in law school, I was in Section 8 housing and was the only tenant there not on some sort of government assistance.  This was all I could afford.  My place was broken into, my car was broken into twice and oh, let me tell you how safe you feel walking past crack deals every damn day.  I ran up insane credit card debt that was only recently paid off because I needed those credit lines to pay for groceries, gas and car repairs.  If I travelled anywhere, it was because someone else paid for it. 

    If I talked to anyone, it was friends I made in law school.  The ones I had going in understood I was going to be MIA for a few years but would do my damnedest to be there if they needed me because of something big.  Know what, they were still there for me when I finished.  When I went home during school I didn't want to be with anyone except my family and they accepted this.

    Have you looked at grad school costs??  I was lucky enough to graduate before the tuition got jacked up to probably twice what I paid and I could still barely afford it.  When my younger brother went to grad school I would send him care packages filled with such luxuries as canned goods, toilet paper, toothpast, soap, laundry detergent, etc.  Get the picture yet?
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:f03c90d5-ffa5-40e4-b1e8-35ad3eae6e55">Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]No no...never once did I say she should have turned down a job. Please re-read that before making a post like that. What I said was she accepted my bridesmaid position knowing she had to travel and pay for things before going to Mississippi. You ladies really need to watch your attutide and stop assuming that I am "off my rocker" for thinking my wedding is more important than a job/school. If you aren't going to make a constructive post like the first few,please do not post on my wall at all. Thank you ladies for the HELPFUL advice. And FYI-when she came into town,she contacted NUMEROUS people to get together with so no,she isn't just vegging out and relaxing.
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

    The advice I gave you was helpful. I misread your post because a) it was poorly written, and b) I don't think of my bridesmaids as "positions" to be filled. Silly me. Regardless, what I said still stands-- being hurt that she didn't make time to see you is valid, and I would probably be hurt if I were put in your position, but maybe there were reasons. Just because she contacted other people she hasn't seen doesn't mean she HAS to contact you. I do absolutely see why it hurts your feelings though, and am not trying to take that away from you. Offering to help her pay for some of her expense is extremely generous of you, and it is wrong of her to ask for any more than you offered in the first place. Whatever you decide to do, don't kick her out, because it will only make you look bad. Give her a number you can contribute, and let her back out on her own (or not).

    PS-- This is not "your wall". This is a public forum where you get public responses, whether they are ones you want to hear or not. People will say what they want, and by posting, you are welcoming those thoughts and feelings.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:a9a94747-5019-4cc7-98ba-5878ba99c4d0">Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's how I feel about one of my bms that lives across the country, (& who's flakey with $$).  If she shows up with her dress, she's in the wedding, if not, she's not. But, we'll continue to be friends either way!
    Posted by kimp67[/QUOTE]


    Best advice you can get.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    You don't get to dictate how others respond to what you write.  You put your thoughts out on a public message board, and people respond.  You may not like it, but it's not your decision on how people can or cannot respond.

    And this is not facebook.  This is not YOUR wall.  It's, as I said, a public message board on The Knot.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:ea7482df-1193-42fb-9ad3-d4e37a62f073">Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh yeah...I've contacted her twice about getting together and send her good luck messages about grad school and stuff so I <strong>at least know I'm doing everything I can on my end!</strong>
    Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]
    You honestly believe this?  Really?  This is as much effort as you're willing to put forward for someone who is supposedly one of your best friends?  Wow.  Just wow.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Options
    I totally agree with tldh.  I'm a grad student myself, and it's crazy expensive.  It drains the finances of even people with okay finances to begin with.  Not being a "poor" grad student motivates me to finish my degree post haste :-).  Your friend may not be in a position to pay for all this stuff.  And accepting the position as BM prior to starting school in Mississippi is irrelevant.  She may not have been able to "set aside" money prior to going to grad school, and if she did, knowing the expense of grad school and the little compensation you get even if you are on scholarship/assistantship/fellowship, she may have had to spend much of it anyway. 

    I think you're generous for offering her to pay for the dress, and it's rude of her to try to change the terms of your gift.  At the same time, her situation is what it is.  Let her know that you can pay XX and that's it.  But if you really want her there, help her to explore lower-cost travel options.  Sometimes airfare is cheaper if one books by a certain time, uses certain airports, etc., and there are other low-cost options like Amtrak, Megabus or Greyhound.  This past spring,I flew out to see one of my best friends graduate from her master's program in New York, and I was able to fly cheaper using an airport in a nearby city.  The month after, I went to Chicago for a conference in my field using Megabus, which was hundreds cheaper than flying.  So while you're not obligated to help her with costs, it may be helpful to suggest to her alternate options for travel, some of which may actually be cheaper than the dress.  She can do with that information and your offer for paying for the dress as she will.  If she still can't swing it, she'll remove herself from the wedding. 

    About her not hanging out with you when she's in town, I understand that you're hurt by that, and it's understandable.  But try to think of it from her position.  I get it, I was a lot like that.  I moved out of state for undergraduate (and now grad school).  When I first moved away, when I would come home I would spend time with my immediate family, and I would call up a few friends, but I wouldn't be able to get together with everyone.  So many people want you to come by or hang out with you, and you may want to hang out a little bit with some friends, but you can't see everyone, and there may be times that you want to relax.  Maybe that's her deal.  I'd cut her some slack.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_long-distanceabsenteeand-uninterested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:871867ff-3cb1-4ba7-9770-16b6153c5bafPost:507bafda-69cb-4c62-93bb-f44f55504805">Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Long distance,absentee,and uninterested bridesmaid : You honestly believe this?  Really?  This is as much effort as you're willing to put forward for someone who is supposedly one of your best friends?  Wow.  Just wow.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    This 1000x.  Do more to re-establish the friendship.  Understand her more regarding her stress, her schedule, and her financial situation.  As pp's have said, this is not "your wall", and you don't have a say in what other people write.  You've been given some good advice though.
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