Super-Selfish BM!!! No IDEA What to Do!

AshleyLR06

I'm going to attempt to make this post short, my apologies if I start to ramble. 

I have a BM who basically appointed herself to be in the wedding as my MatronOH (quickly let her know that position was reserved for my sis but told her that she could be a BM -- even though I wasn't even in her wedding at all, but I digress), then she admitted that she wasn't happy about me getting married (no reflection on my FH or me but was having her own marital probs -- had a heart-to-heart about it), then pouted when I didn't like her fairy-tale suggestions for my wedding (even though she knows that's not my style -- another patient, tactful convo).

Then she wanted to "save money" on transportation for the wedding by renting a car and driving 30 hours roundtrip in three days to be at the wedding and not miss work -- even though she would miss the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, and bachelorette party. I found her a flight that was significantly cheaper than car rental/gas, but she was set on driving. 

Totally her prerogative, until she tried to convince 2 of my other bridesmaids to FLY out-of-state to meet her, drive the super-long trip, and then fly back to their own homes. Of course, they wouldn't do that because it would be extremely taxing on them, and they want to be there for me. 

So she decided to add a plus one to her invitation even though she knows how tight we are on space (her husband's in the military and can't come)... and the plus one is a girl from college who she barely talks to and knows I can't stand! Again, I had to sit her down and tell her that we were cutting some of our own mutual friends from the guest list because of space, and I really didn't feel comfortable reserving a seat for someone that my FH doesn't know and who has been extremely rude to me in the past.

Now she's saying that she doesn't know if she'll be able to come to the wedding at all because she may/may not have to work, may/may not have the money to fly, and doesn't have anyone to drive with (although she's had months to take a day off and flying ends up being much cheaper). 

I'm a graduate student, so I'm really sensitive about schedules and finances. I gave all of my BMs an estimate of how much it'd cost to be in the wedding (in terms of transportation and accommodations) when I asked them to be in the wedding party and talked to each of them about any concerns. I've continued to be budget-conscious by finding their dresses on sale, having a sleepover for my bachelorette to save on hotel costs, and not asking them to get special shoes, accessories, hair/makeup, etc.  

I've been extremely patient and polite with her, I've gone out of my way to try to work around her schedule, find her affordable flights, and deal with her pouting. But telling me that she won't know whether or not she can even come to the wedding until "maybe a few weeks before"?! Way too far.

It's like she's just looking for reasons to complain and is upset that everyone's not doing things her way. She's been a problem since she invited herself to be in my wedding (okay, i'm getting a little snarky -- i would've asked her to be a hostess, so she still would've been in the wedding party). I'm frustrated, I'm sad, and I honestly just don't know what to do at this point.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_super-selfish-bm-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:89e766b3-d4f6-4a66-b7db-fab7d7a8aa55Post:ac904891-d1dd-48ff-9e1c-aefbde69c53a">Super-Selfish BM!!! No IDEA What to Do!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to attempt to make this post short, my apologies if I start to ramble.  I have a BM who basically appointed herself to be in the wedding as my MatronOH (quickly let her know that position was reserved for my sis but told her that she could be a BM -- even though I wasn't even in her wedding at all, but I digress), then she admitted that she wasn't happy about me getting married (no reflection on my FH or me but was having her own marital probs -- had a heart-to-heart about it), then pouted when I didn't like her super fairy-tale suggestions for my wedding (even though she knows that's not my style -- another patient, tactful convo). Then she wanted to "save money" on transportation for the wedding by renting a car and driving 30 hours roundtrip in three days to be at the wedding and not miss work -- even though she would miss the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, and bachelorette party. I found her a flight that was significantly cheaper than car rental/gas, but she was set on driving.  Totally her prerogative, until she tried to convince 2 of my other bridesmaids to FLY out-of-state to meet her, drive the super-long trip, and then fly back to their own homes. Of course, they wouldn't do that because it would be extremely taxing on them, and they want to be there for me.  So she decided to add a plus one to her invitation even though she knows how tight we are on space (her husband's in the military and can't come)... and the plus one is a girl from college who she barely talks to and knows I can't stand! Again, I had to sit her down and tell her that we were cutting some of our own mutual friends from the guest list because of space, and I really didn't feel comfortable reserving a seat for someone that my FH doesn't know and who has been extremely rude to me in the past. Now she's saying that she doesn't know if she'll be able to come to the wedding at all because she may/may not have to work, may/may not have the money to fly, and doesn't have anyone to drive with (although she's had months to take a day off and flying ends up being much cheaper).  I'm a graduate student, so I'm really sensitive about schedules and finances. I gave all of my BMs an estimate of how much it'd cost to be in the wedding and talked to them individually about any concerns they had. I've actually stayed several hundred dollars under that estimate by finding their dresses on sale, having a bachelorette sleepover to save on hotel costs, and not asking them to get special shoes, accessories, hair/makeup, etc.   I've been extremely patient and polite with her, I've gone out of my way to try to work around her schedule, find her affordable flights, and deal with her pouting and indecisiveness. But telling me that she won't know whether or not she can even come to the wedding until "maybe a few weeks before"?! Way too far. It's like she's just looking for reasons to complain and is upset that everyone's not doing things her way. She's been a problem since she invited herself to be in my wedding (okay, i'm getting a little snarky -- <strong>i would've asked her to be a hostess, so she still would've been in the wedding party</strong>), and I don't know what to do at this point.
Posted by AshleyLR06[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>If she can't make it to the wedding it looks like your problem is solved.</div><div>
</div><div>And what's a hostess?  And how would that role be a part of the WP?</div>

AshleyLR06

Well, the problem is that she's not saying one way or the other whether she can be in the wedding -- or even come, and she wants to wait until 2 weeks before to let me know.

As far as hostesses, we're not having ushers. So our hostesses are going to greet guests, help them find their seats, answer questions, and be in charge of our guest/photo book at the reception. 

jagore08

Oh, I see.  I would put her on the back burner and worry about other things.  I think at this point I would have the attitude of if she shows, she shows.  If not, all well.  But then again, I'm all about not letting things stress you out that aren't important (and by important I mean if it doesn't interfere directly with you and your FI getting married, it's not worth it).

bablingbrooke

I think your best bet at this point is to just be flexible and decide that, whatever happens, you will roll with it.  Your wedding will be just fine whether she's there or not.  No, the pictures will not be "off" if you're missing her.  No, you do not need a replacement on standby in case she doesn't show.

Emilyinchile's wedding was a week after the 8.8 earthquake in Santiago and she didn't know whether her BMs/MOH would be able to come at all since the airlines were all screwed up that week and all the flights in and out of Chile were either cancelled or delayed for days.  (Sorry to steal your thunder, Emily, if you wanted to tell the story yourself.)  She had to basically take the "wait and see" approach and kept a wonderful attitude despite everything.  In the end her WP did make it, but she kept an open mind in case they couldn't.  I would suggest a similar MO here: Hope that she can make it, but roll with it if she doesn't.  This will help you in life and in marriage and while I'm sure you don't WANT to do that for your wedding, it's really not the end of the world.  You'll be so distracted by everyone who is there that you won't have any time to dwell on who isn't.

ETA: DH and I followed the One Day Rule, which works wonders.  If it won't make a difference One Day after the wedding whether something did or didn't happen, we weren't going to waste our energy on it.  This might be one of those One Day situations.  Will you still be married the next day?  Will you still have had fun?  ODR applies.

banana468

OK.

Let this roll off your back.  Just say, "If you can't make it I'll totally miss you," and leave it be.

I'm a bit concerned about a few things in your post though.  When you mentioned talking to your BMs about the cost, that was nice but a bit backwards.  Technically you should be asking them for their budgets - not telling them what they should expect to spend.  If they were all in agreement then great, but remember that it really should be you asking them what they can spend on their dress (the only thing they have to buy) and then find something within the budget.

Regarding the events she can't attend, please let that roll of your back.  Please also note that the bachelorette sounds low key and totally fun - but that really should be something thrown for you and not by you.  I'm not sure which it is but just wanted to point that out.

Regarding the asking her to be a hostess - it really is too late now.  And having someone to greet guests is fine.  But please don't ask anyone to work the reception such as by asking guests to sign the guestbook.


Bottom line with her - just let things go for now.  When you need to get a final count to the caterer or florist, just say, "I hate to push but I really need to know if you'll make it."

emilyinchile

Brooke said it best If she doesn't make it, your wedding will be just fine, promise.

I think she's being a crappy friend, but I also want to point a couple things out on your part. It's a courtesy to allow WP members and OOT guests a plus one, even if you're short on space. That doesn't mean you HAVE to, but if your best friend is having to travel to come to your wedding, I think it's nice to allow them to bring a friend. And unfortunately, you don't get any say over who "and guest" is (although again, she could have chosen someone else - not saying she's 100% in the right, but neither are you).

You don't plan your own bachelorette, so it was up to the hosts of that party to plan something they could afford - sorry, but you don't get credit for having kept that under budget. And shoes, jewelry, hair and make-up are all things that you should be paying for anyway if you require specific things, so again, I don't think that not having done something wrong (by forcing them to spend money on those things) necessarily means that you've done something amazing.

I'm not bringing those things up to make you feel bad, but you cite them of examples of how you've gone above and beyond to keep things economical when in fact you've just done what is expected.

AshleyLR06

Thanks, everyone!!l  The marriage has always been a bigger priority for me than the wedding, so the planning process has been pretty uneventful and low stress. It just sucks that this is one of my good friends, and she's being such a pain.  

Bablingbrooke, I love the One Day Rule! I'm definitely going to start thinking of everything like that. :-)

Banana468, my bridesmaids did give me their dress budgets. I apologize for not being clear in my post, but my cost estimate was for accommodations, transportation, etc. Since they're all coming in from out of state, I did some basic research first. That way they'd have an idea of other costs they'd have.

Banana468 and emilyinchile, my sisters are throwing the bachelorette sleepover for me. They're doing all the planning, but they asked me for an idea of what I wanted. I knew that they were going to ask my BMs to chip in, so I opted for something fun but simple. 

No, I don't think I'm doing something "amazing" by not making them have the same shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup, etc. However, I know a lot of brides expect their wedding party to pay for these extras (or do something super-lame like give them the jewelry that they have to wear as a "gift").

I'm not trying to look like a saint, I just wanted to make a point that I'm not the crazy bride who expects my friends to buy an over-priced dress or throw me some lavish bachelorette in Vegas or something.  

As far as working during the reception, I've been a hostess in several weddings and had no problems helping out during the cocktail hour. The wedding coordinator will handle things during the "real" reception, but I've always thought -- as a hostess and a guest -- that it gives a more personal touch when someone closer to the bride and groom greets guests, collects stray cards, and makes sure the guest book/poster/picture/whatever was signed.... If not, that's an etiquette rule that I'm going to have to break! 

Also, I would NEVER ask her to be a hostess at this point. I do feel kinda bulldozed by letting her make herself a bridesmaid, but that's my own fault. I have to deal with the consequences. :-/

bablingbrooke

One Day Rule is a freaking lifesaver.  Use it generously    

quotequeen

Banana468 and emilyinchile, my sisters are throwing the bachelorette sleepover for me. They're doing all the planning, but they asked me for an idea of what I wanted. I knew that they were going to ask my BMs to chip in, so I opted for something fun but simple.

I think the point was that your estimate of what it would cost to be in your wedding should never have included the bach party in the first place because it's not your place to decide that there will be one or that the bridesmaids have to contribute to it.  That's between them and you shouldn't have had anything to do with it.  Telling them "it's going to cost $X for you to be in my wedding, including $Y for the bach party" tells them you expect them to contribute to it, which they aren't obligated to do.

ltyka

Wow.  And I'm getting irritated at GUESTS who won't give me a solid yes or no!  I can't imagine having a BM.  I feel for you.  I think the "One Day Rule" is the way to go, though it's easier said than done!  Sounds like you've been very considerate overall.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_super-selfish-bm-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:89e766b3-d4f6-4a66-b7db-fab7d7a8aa55Post:ac904891-d1dd-48ff-9e1c-aefbde69c53a">Super-Selfish BM!!! No IDEA What to Do!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to attempt to make this post short, my apologies if I start to ramble.  I have a BM who basically appointed herself to be in the wedding as my MatronOH (quickly let her know that position was reserved for my sis but told her that she could be a BM -- even though I wasn't even in her wedding at all, but I digress), then she admitted that she wasn't happy about me getting married (no reflection on my FH or me but was having her own marital probs -- had a heart-to-heart about it), then pouted when I didn't like her super fairy-tale suggestions for my wedding (even though she knows that's not my style -- another patient, tactful convo). Then she wanted to "save money" on transportation for the wedding by renting a car and driving 30 hours roundtrip in three days to be at the wedding and not miss work -- even though she would miss the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, and bachelorette party. I found her a flight that was significantly cheaper than car rental/gas, but she was set on driving.  Totally her prerogative, until she tried to convince 2 of my other bridesmaids to FLY out-of-state to meet her, drive the super-long trip, and then fly back to their own homes. Of course, they wouldn't do that because it would be extremely taxing on them, and they want to be there for me.  So she decided to add a plus one to her invitation even though she knows how tight we are on space (her husband's in the military and can't come)... and the plus one is a girl from college who she barely talks to and knows I can't stand! Again, I had to sit her down and tell her that we were cutting some of our own mutual friends from the guest list because of space, and I really didn't feel comfortable reserving a seat for someone that my FH doesn't know and who has been extremely rude to me in the past. Now she's saying that she doesn't know if she'll be able to come to the wedding at all because she may/may not have to work, may/may not have the money to fly, and doesn't have anyone to drive with (although she's had months to take a day off and flying ends up being much cheaper).  I'm a graduate student, so I'm really sensitive about schedules and finances. I gave all of my BMs an estimate of how much it'd cost to be in the wedding when I asked them to be in the wedding party and talked to each of them about any concerns. I've actually stayed several hundred dollars under my estimate by finding their dresses on sale, having a bachelorette sleepover to save on hotel costs, and not asking them to get special shoes, accessories, hair/makeup, etc.   I've been extremely patient and polite with her, I've gone out of my way to try to work around her schedule, find her affordable flights, and deal with her pouting. But telling me that she won't know whether or not she can even come to the wedding until "maybe a few weeks before"?! Way too far. It's like she's just looking for reasons to complain and is upset that everyone's not doing things her way. She's been a problem since she invited herself to be in my wedding (okay, i'm getting a little snarky -- i would've asked her to be a hostess, so she still would've been in the wedding party). I'm frustrated, I'm sad, and I honestly just don't know what to do at this point.
Posted by AshleyLR06[/QUOTE]

She should have never invited herself into the wedding party and you shouldn't have allowed it.  You could have told her that you only wanted your sister and closest friends and that your having a small bridal party to cut back on bouquets etc.

She should not invite a guest if the invitation was addressed to her and her H.  She is wrong there. 

You can't change the fact that you did in fact accept that she can be a bm.  If she doesn't show up, oh well.  It really won't matter because you do not need even sides and I promise you that everything will work out and no one will notice. 

If a gm has to walk solo or doubled up with 2 girls during the recessional, that is your only concern and that is how you will solve it.

If she bails, then that is her choice.  I just hope that you aren't buying her dress, shoes, etc. because then it would be a little messed up.  If you were to spend money on her, and then she doesn't show up for the wedding.

AshleyLR06

Quotequeen, I really think the cost estimate thing is being blown out of proportion. I didn't include the cost of the bachelorette party in any estimates. MONTHS after the BM decisions were made, my sisters asked about what I wanted for the bachelorette party. I'd had a number of convos with my BMs about finances before then (and not just for the wedding -- they are my friends before they're my BMs, lol), so I wanted something simple. Either way, that's not the point right now. 

Ltyka, our guests -- even the ones that we were a bit concerned about -- have actually been the least of our problems! lol.... Thanks. I've been trying to be considerate. Like you said, some things are easier said than done. However, I've definitely been making a conscious effort.

Peonyprincess, I agree. It was one of those things were you can't believe what you're hearing and don't know how to respond! lol ("Huh? Matron of honor? No, that's my sister, but ummm I definitely want you in the wedding.") Hindsight's 20/20. *sigh*

But the only thing I've spent money on is her gift, which I'll still give her even if she doesn't come.

kjreed

I would just talk to her and explain that I understood that she will not be able to make it and because of all her issues finances, marital problems and transportation maybe it would be best for her to be a guest and take the stress off of her...

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_super-selfish-bm-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:89e766b3-d4f6-4a66-b7db-fab7d7a8aa55Post:1f206bd8-5231-47b5-8b5d-6db31d753195">Re: Super-Selfish BM!!! No IDEA What to Do!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just talk to her and explain that I understood that she will not be able to make it and because of all her issues finances, marital problems and transportation maybe it would be best for her to be a guest and take the stress off of her...
Posted by kjreed[/QUOTE]
See above as to why this will come across the wrong way to the person on the receiving end.  It basically sounds like you want her out but don't want to actually kick her out, even if all you're trying to do is give her the option. 

AshleyLR06

Yeah, I agree with bablingbrooke. If I gave her the option of downgrading to a guest (even though it does make the most sense right now), then she would totally get offended. 

vegasgroom

Sounds like you don't really need to do anything about this girl.  You can't invite a new BM in her place at this stage in the game even if she does cancel, you already shut down her idea of bringing a plus one you dont like if she does show up, so the only thing you really need to worry about is whether she shows up or not in case you had already put together the ceremony with specific people accompanying others down the aisle, just put together a contingency plan so you don't have any guessing if she doesn't show up.  If she comes to her senses, she'll probably show up and mend fences, if she bails out on you, chances are you'll not be worrying about her in the future anyway.

AshleyLR06

LOL! Very true.... I feel like there's something else going on, but I don't want to pry. If she opens up, then I'll be there to listen. If not, then all I can go off of is her behavior.

Also, a few people have commented on her absence affecting the pairings. We're going traditional on this one: groomsmen waiting at the altar and bridesmaids walking down alone. She wouldn't affect the ceremony in that regard.

Hmmm, which brings us back to the good ol' One Day Rule. :-)

trix1223

Ashley:  How is everyone leaving the ceremony during the recessional?  That's when you might have to have one lucky lady escorted by two handsome men. 

AshleyLR06

oOo, good point about the recessional! Guess we'll have to make two plans! 

bablingbrooke

Yes!  The One Day Rule totally applies to the processional/recessional!

We had uneven sides and here's what we did: Guys stood at the front with DH and the BMs walked in solo.  On the way back up one GM escorted two BM.  He was really excited to do it--he even volunteered for the job

Same for programs--no one really does more than glance at who the WP is, and no one's going to spend the ceremony glancing from the program to the WP to count heads and make sure everyone is there.  

Go with the flow.  You'll be really glad you did!

catemeg

Best thing about this thread: One Day Rule.  I'm stealing that, and might just trademark it (kidding... sort of...) It's fantastic!

JennaV26

I had a similar situation with a bridesmaid. Once I took on the perspective of "I don't really care whether she's there or not so I'm not going to worry about whether she's going to be there or not," I was so much less stressed out.

hbe02a

i'm sorry. all i have to say is at least your bridesmaid didn't decide to shave her head into a mohawk 1 month prior to the wedding. i kicked her out. drama. i mean, seriously?! wtf.

bablingbrooke

You really kicked your BM out over a mohawk?  

banana468

I'm thinking MUD.

AshleyLR06

Mohawk?! Hmmmm, which is worse -- kicking her out or buying her a wig?? lol

ChandraDee

Wow - first of all, I am so sorry you have to deal with this!  It is not what anyone would ask for in a bridesmaid!

It seems like this girl has her own perception of things and the self centeredness is a part of her personality that is not going to change.  It seems to me like it would almost be a blessing if she did not show up.  It doesn't seem like she's going to get it if you sit her down and try to talk to her about things...just say, "I hope you can make it" and be prepared for whether she shows up or not.

Good luck and try to find humor in it - sometimes that helps!