Very difficult Future sister in law....Help!!

SDN02

Ever since my fiance & I got engaged (August 2010) I feel like his sister has changed in a negative way. His sister married earlier this year, is now pregnant, and just bought a house. I'm nothing but excited for them. I gave her all the attention she deserved for her wedding and still giving her the attention about her new pregnancy and house. Wedding, baby, house are big milestones in everyone's life. When we first got engaged...the family would ask how my fI asked me...she would change the subject and pull out her photo book of her ultrasound pictures and start showing them to everyone. When we were talking to his parents about what they were helping us with and telling them what my parents are helping with she said some rude comments about my family as we were walking out of the restaurant we were at. I was beyond upset at myself that I did not turn around and say something back, that was my fault for not putting my foot down then. A few weeks later my FI + I were looking at wedding venues and everyone was asking how it went and the amount of how much we were spending on the wedding and where we were going on our honeymoon came up (talking with immediate family members) and the sister and husband just kept shaking there heads and giving negative responses. I hate drama and try to avoid it as much as possible, but in just 2 months of being engaged my blood pressure is rising dealing with her negative comments and baby photo book every time any wedding talk is brought up and now its too the point that when I see her she gives me these fake I have hug you hugs and she really does not talk to me anymore. My FI sees how she acting and he still wants me to put her in the wedding (I was in her wedding), but if I can't even get along with being in the presence of her why would I want to deal with having her apart of my special day and not being a team player. I never did anything to her for her to act like this and I don't know why she is so insistent on taking every great moment for me when I see her. I live out of town too so my FI + I don't see them all that much. I really don't want her in the wedding and I don't want this to be an argument with my FI and his family (I know it will). I don't even want her at the wedding so I'm hoping when she has her baby she will use that as an excuse for her not to go. That's what her mom use to do with her little brother a few years a ago. Sorry for my novel, but any advice would be great thanks!!!

mbcdefg

Your FI can ask her to be a groomswoman.

Ditto Retread, stop talking about your wedding in front of her, and she'll have nothing to criticize.

CaylaSummer

Yah in laws can be a nightmare. Honestly, just ignore her. I don't know the whole story between the two of you but obviously she can't stand sharing the spotlight with you. I find that people like that in general are annoying and i just refuse to deal with them. However, your sister inlaw might be a different because she will always be there just try to be as pleasant with her as much as you can. I would only get together with her if you really need to for the wedding otherwise avoid her because you might say things that might be hurtful out of frustration. 

i would still put her in your BP just to save the drama. LOL...I can't guarantee that she will not be difficult.  Good Luck!

waltzingmatilda13

She's obviously jealous and it doesn't sound like it's a new thing. You need to stop sharing when she's around because she's probably always going to try to get all the attention. Sadly though, I think it's only going to get worse once she actually has the baby. So you just need to learn to ignore it. Hopefully everyone realizes that she is the crazy one.

And pp are absolutely correct, if he wants her in the wedding so badly, she can stand on his side. Don't feel pressured to have anyone stand on your side that you don't want there. And weddings are not tit for tat. Just because you stood up for her does not mean she has to do the same for you.

lalap69

I agree with PPs that if your FI feels that strongly about it, she should be on his side.  But I'm wondering where he is in all of this?  If she's making rude comments to you, your FI should be standing up for you.  It's his family, it's his repsonsibility.

Also, paragraphs are your friend.  Please hit enter twice in between to make your long posts more readable. 

Cynthia1207

Well obviously she can't share the spotlight.  She might just be jealous of you because she already had her wedding and it's over now. 

Stop discussing the wedding around her.  If it bugs you that she seems intent on competing for attention, then just don't talk about it.  Maybe then she will start asking questions about it and her attitude just might change a little.

As for putting her in the WP, I'd really take the time to think about it.  See if anything changes and besides you're allowed to pick your side and FI his. 

BeeBee22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-difficult-future-sister-lawhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:89ec4ca4-ffa1-4645-aaa9-c2814be018adPost:13c462e0-87ed-4113-9d47-362ae388316e">Re: Very difficult Future sister in law....Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Stop sharing your plans with her. Don't pick ANYBODY for the wedding party right now. Your wedding is still a year away. If pressured, say that you aren't thinking about that right now. Your fiance can have her on his side if he wants her in the wedding. If the family expects it, though, it may be worth it to have her. All she has to do is get her dress and show up. You don't have to have more contact with her than necessary.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Retread Bride is wise as are other PPs.  Your FSIL sounds like the type who's telling her friends (if she has any) RIGHT NOW, "My horrible FSIL has the nerve to talk about her stupid wedding <strong>when people ask her about it</strong>, even though the next year is supposed to be all about me me me and my pregnancy.  B*tch."  Hee.</div><div>
</div><div>She sounds awful.  Hopefully it's hormones and stress and will diminish over time. You're better off not making wedding party plans for another six months anyway, as many other threads will attest.  You can try to avoid talking about plans around her, but it sounds as if your FI's family asks you when she's there, so not sure what to tell you.  Politely stand up to her if she disses your family, but otherwise I'd try to let it go - she has actually gone through and is going through quite a bit of change, and some people don't handle that well at all.  </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck to you, and don't let her ruin your experience!!  One would hope someone else in her family should be adult enough to say "We want to hear about the wedding, then we'll look at the ultrasound (again) as well ... we're so fortunate to have so many wonderful things going on at once."

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IAmLymelady

You could try flattery.  It never hurts, especially when it's honest.  Perhaps if you don't want drama, when people ask you about the wedding in her presence, give a short answer and switch the subject to her.  You can talk to them about the wedding in more detail when she's not around.

If you decide to put her in the wedding party, try asking her for advice on things that don't really matter to you, but don't act like they don't matter.  People who like attention tend to like to voice their opinions (I know this well.  I have voiced many opinions).  Get excited about her role; thank her for being in your party, let her know how much you appreciate it.  If you are eternally sweet to her and take the high road, any drama she tries to start with her family (except maybe her husband) will be dismissed because she'll have nothing to go on. 

Is she an oldest or only daughter by any chance?  It's possible that she's used to having a position of supreme female influence on her brother.  When he got engaged to you, the balance of power shifted and you became the highest female influence in his life.  That's a difficult dynamic shift for some people, and the reason that so many mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law get crazy.  It's not an excuse, but it's one way to look at her sympathetically and try to understand why she's being such a brat.  If you can figure out why she's acting that way, your FI can rest assured that you are sympathetic, he will be more inclined to help you because he won't feel that you're trying to make him fight with his sister, and you can find a way to handle her in the most stress-free way possible. 

Like other posters have said, it's important for your FI to be on your side and stand up for you, but it's also important for him to not feel like you're trying to make him choose between you and his family.  She'll try and drive a wedge between you two, intentionally or not, but that won't happen.  Whatever happens, he is your partner and you two are united.  Ultimately, that's the most important part of your wedding as well; even if she shows up in a sweatsuit, it can't ruin the wedding.  And honestly the easiest way to avoid her showing up in a sweatsuit is to make her part of the bridal party (speaking from experience).