Wedding Party

Unwanted Bridesmaid-I know this sounds horrible!

I went to Cosmetology school with this girl almost 2 years ago (she just turned 18, I'm 28) and she now works at the same salon as I do. We went out to lunch a few days after I got engaged (we would do it on a weekly basis, so it wasn't anything special). She caught me off guard and started rambling about what color are our dresses going to be? Where do I tell people you're registered? My grandparents own two hotels in the area I can get you a deal...on and on-and I was just in shock. She automatically assumed she was in my bridal party-I hadn't even asked my two best friends who I've known since 6th grade to be in my bridal party yet. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I'm frustrated because I don't want to stir the "sh*t pot" since we work together. But lately she's been telling me that she's going to get wasted at my wedding and was laughing about it. I did tell her that I would be giving the bartender her picture and that if she even tried to get a drink I would have her thrown out-she thought I was joking. Less then two days later she was telling me how she's started smoking weed and that she's been coming to work high. I don't know what to do-I've tried reading all the etiquette on this subject-and basically it seems like I'm stuck. My fiancee is really unhappy because he wants me to be able to have a good time while I'm planning the wedding, he doesn't want any problems from her at the wedding, and he wants our wedding to be about us and not worrying about her causing a scene. Some of my friends have told me to just tell her to "f*ck off" but I just can't do that because I'm not that type of person and because we work in the same salon. Does anyone have any suggestions? I need the advice. Thank you!

Re: Unwanted Bridesmaid-I know this sounds horrible!

  • Did you actually use the words "will you be a bridesmaid?"  If you didn't, then she's not a bridesmaid no matter how much she wants to be.  If she just assumes she's one, then let her assume away.  When she isn't asked to purchase a dress, she'll get clued in.

    She's 18 and a little clueless, it seems.  I would simply not discuss the wedding with her and change the subject if she brings it up.

    If she is coming to work high (and you are absolutely sure she's high), then that is something that management needs to know about.
  • Well she just turned 18 which could explain her wild thoughts and behavior, I would make sure bartender served to only 21+ in the 1st place. So that means, she can't be served alcohol, bartender and you won't get in trouble. If she's going to show up drunk, at the wedding, I'd have someone escort her out IF she was causing a scene or acting crazy. If you didn't respond to her about BM dresses or BP then you're not obligated to have her in BP. When it's mentioned again, simply tell her the BP will be small and you've chosen your bestfriends only. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation because you work with her and she will be upset she wasn't chosen, the sooner you let her know the better so she will quit talking about it and getting her hopes up or worse, make plans...
  • "I'm sorry, our wedding is very small due to budget reasons. Let's get together after the honeymoon." And then be very busy.

    It's perfectly acceptable (and recommended) that co-workers have professional distance. In your case, I would say it's a requirement. You need to set some boundaries pronto.

    Ignore her when she brings up being in the WP. Eventually she'll realize she's not. If she asks you about it just say, "I'm not going to discuss this with you," and leave it at that.

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  • Wow...this sounds like a bunch of issues.

    1-When she starts bringing up "what are WE wearing?" etc, tell her plainly that you hadn't chosen your WP yet. If she persists, bean dip her. To be bluntly honest, I wouldn't even invite her if she is behaving like this. Co-worker = / = BFF!

    2-If you have an open bar, make sure that the bartenders card guests if you think that someone underage may be drinking. You could get into a lot of trouble if minors are caught drinking at your wedding :(

    3-If she is confiding in you that she is coming to work stoned, that is a conundrum...to which you can either keep it to yourself and let her dig her own grave, or speak with a supervisor/boss and tell them that you are concerned for her.
  • If you never told her that she could be a bridesmaid, then you're off the hook. Give non-committal answers or just get straight to the punch: "I think there must be a misunderstanding. I've already chosen my bridesmaids." Then follow it with either, "I'm really looking forward to having you at my wedding as a guest," or "We're having a really small wedding and unfortunately I can't invite everyone that I'd like to, but I'll be happy to share photos with you once I get back from the honeymoon."

    If you DID tell her that she could be a bridesmaid, then that's your own fault. Unless she literally held a gun to your head, she could not have "forced" you to make her a bridesmaid. Don't blame her if you were too chicken to speak up.

    She's 18. It just sounds like she hasn't learned basic manners, and hasn't learned not to put her foot in her mouth. If she comes to your wedding, she shouldn't be drinking at all because the bartenders can simply ask for her ID (and you can clue them in ahead of time that any 21+ ID she presents is a fake).

    If you you know for a fact that she comes in to work under the influence (or if she has drugs on her person at work), then file a report with your manager (anonymously if you wish) and the problem should be resolved.
    image
  • How long has this been going on?  You need to tell her she's not a BM before this goes on any further.  Unless you asked her to be a BM, she's not one.  But the longer you put this off, the more difficult it's going to be for everyone.
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  • I'm going to say "Ditto" to everything malphabet said.

    Also, regarding her drinking at the wedding, I'm going to be 26 in a couple of weeks, I just got carded at a wedding last month. The bride and groom had a lot of guests attending that were under age, but looked old enough, so they took the extra precaution and requested anybody of "questionable looking age" be carded. I would highly recommend that you ask your bartender to do the same.


    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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  • I agree with PPs. Don't give in and just let her be a BM. Just avoid the subject and change the subject; she'll get clued in eventually. At 18 she sounds like she is starting to go a little crazy. You guys need some professional boundaries. Be nice but avoid her when you can. I would probably start limiting our lunches as well.
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  • Thank you everyone! I guess I should mention, yes, the bartenders will be checking ID-but the fact that she actually made the comment about getting wasted got to me-so that was my problem with that and why there would be a pic of her.

    Also, I NEVER asked her to be a BM-EVER. Before I even got engaged she told me she was going to be in my wedding-and at that time I did say no, she wouldn't be in the party, but she could be a guest. Obviously, that went in one ear and out the other.

    With your helpful advice, I am going to "grow a pair" and set this little girl straight. LoL. Thank you all again!
  • Oh and yes, I know she's getting high, her car smells like weed and her pipe is in her middle console.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unwanted-bridesmaid-this-sounds-horrible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8a7138ab-e29f-42fa-b9ee-f5329a64436aPost:851da197-b765-4fe9-b893-ee741030099d">Re: Unwanted Bridesmaid-I know this sounds horrible!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh and yes, I know she's getting high, her car smells like weed and her pipe is in her middle console.
    Posted by msfeltenberger[/QUOTE]
    I have clients like that.  They're always real winners.  
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unwanted-bridesmaid-this-sounds-horrible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8a7138ab-e29f-42fa-b9ee-f5329a64436aPost:851da197-b765-4fe9-b893-ee741030099d">Re: Unwanted Bridesmaid-I know this sounds horrible!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh and yes, I know she's getting high, her car smells like weed and her pipe is in her middle console.
    Posted by msfeltenberger[/QUOTE]

    I'd hate to be one of her clients getting their hair done by her if she's stoned. That worries me a little bit. I might annomously report that to the managers. Ditto PP on everything else.
    image
  • There are only two reasons you can fire a  bridesmaid.

    1) she sleeps with your FI

    2) she's doing drugs


    Any and all other excuses are invalid.  If you invited her, you're stuck.  But i see now that you didn't actually ask her.

    ID is key here.  No ID, no serve booze

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