My fiance told his sister I might ask her ... but I didn't

lovesclimbing

So I am having three attendants: my three sisters.  For awhile, I was considering having five and asking my FI's two sisters to be the other two.  However, I decided against this for a bunch of different reasons including not knowing them well at this point, wanting a smallwedding party, not wanting a heavy workload for my mom since she's sewing WP dresses and ties, etc.

Anyway, so my FI and I discussed it for a few days and I asked him if he though his sister's would even want to be BMs if I asked.  He thought they would.

Anyway, so during the days while we were still thinking about having five, he actually called the oldest of his two sisters and told her that I was considering asking her to be a bridesmaid to see if she would want to.  Apparently, his sister said that she certainly hadn't expected that but if I asked, she would love it.

When my FI told me he'd asked, I was a little taken aback but oh well.

I will meet this sister for the first time at the wedding and my FI asked her to sit at the guest book table if she wanted and she said yes.  I'm not sure if I should say anything to her about not being a bridesmaid.  I don't know if she will bring it up or not.  I kind of doubt it because I have chatted with her on the phone and heard my FI's end of phone conversations with her and I'm pretty sure she's not the type to be petty and I'm sure that we'll become pretty good friends.

I'm thinking that since I never talked about it with her, the best thing to do is pretend that the conversation between her and my FI never happened and just never mention it.  What do you all think?

MyNameIsNot

You've got the right idea.  Leave it alone.  It was wrong of your FI to mention it to her, but that ship has sailed.  Don't bring it up and don't try to explain to her why you didn't ask.  That's just a recipe for drama.  If he's inclined to have her in the wedding, he can ask her to stand on his side.

That said, babysitting the guest book is not an honor.  If you want to include her in the ceremony, consider inviting her to do a reading or with some religious role.  If not, having her as a guest is fine.  I would also consider giving both sisters coursages and seating them on the first or second row.  

lovesclimbing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_my-fiance-told-his-sister-i-might-ask-her-but-i-didnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8d69a418-8c91-435f-9c08-643bb254991fPost:0e893a9d-8c99-4e43-9a53-28c3d9cf878a">Re: My fiance told his sister I might ask her ... but I didn't</a>:
[QUOTE] That said, babysitting the guest book is not an honor.  If you want to include her in the ceremony, consider inviting her to do a reading or with some religious role.  If not, having her as a guest is fine.  I would also consider giving both sisters coursages and seating them on the first or second row.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's what I thought, it's not an honor.  But my mom said it was so we decided to ask her and she said ok when my fiance asked.  And they are both getting corsages.

</div>

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_my-fiance-told-his-sister-i-might-ask-her-but-i-didnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8d69a418-8c91-435f-9c08-643bb254991fPost:3dbcecbf-82c0-43d0-ba76-bf79b3df8a52">Re: My fiance told his sister I might ask her ... but I didn't</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My fiance told his sister I might ask her ... but I didn't : That's what I thought, it's not an honor.  But my mom said it was so we decided to ask her and she said ok when my fiance asked.  And they are both getting corsages.
Posted by lovesclimbing[/QUOTE]

<div>Unfortunately, your mom is wrong on this one.  Please don't make anyone your guest book attendant.  Sure, your FSIL will do it if you ask and probably won't complain, at least to your face, but it really is a chore, not an honor.  A guest book is pretty self-explanatory.  Trust me, people will see it and figure it out without anyone instructing them.</div><div>
</div><div>While your FI shouldn't have said anything about being a BM to his sister, you are not obligated to make her a BM.  Consider having one or both of your FI's sisters do a reading at the ceremony.  This way they have a special role in the ceremony.</div>

Jen4948

There doesn't need to be a guest book attendant, and it's not an "honor."  Your mother is incorrect about that. But if your FSIL doesn't mind doing that, I'd let it go.

I think that your FI got overexcited about how to include a sibling of the opposite sex in the wedding, and your staying out of it between them is the right action.  But there's no reason he couldn't have included her as one of his own attendants. 

I think you need to let both your FI and your mother know that only you get to decide on who is in your wedding party.  I'm sure you can find a nice way to say it that is still firm.

lovesclimbing

<div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_my-fiance-told-his-sister-i-might-ask-her-but-i-didnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8d69a418-8c91-435f-9c08-643bb254991fPost:b9d671cc-ba28-4342-918c-751ee4cc1df1">Re: My fiance told his sister I might ask her ... but I didn't</a>:</div><div>[QUOTE]I agree that he should have kept it shut and not been so presumptuous as to expect you to ask her - but if you're so inclined to keep the peace now, it IS just one more person.  All she has to do is get a dress and stand up beside you on the wedding day.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>OK, first off my FI did not ask her because he was trying to run the wedding party and choose for me.  The only reason he asked is because I brought up the idea of asking her first because I wasn't sure if they would want to considering I've never met the one sister and have only briefly met the other.  He thought he was doing me a favor by checking with her.  There was nothing presumptous about it.  And he never told her that I was definitely going to ask her, just that I might depending on what size wedding party we decided on.</div><div>
</div><div>Second, I can't just ask her and have her get a dress.  As I mentioned (and as you would have noticed if you'd actually read all of my original post), my mother is sewing the dresses.  It's four weeks today until the wedding and we don't have enough time to get the fabric and have my mom sew another one.  </div><div>
</div><div>I see that the general consensus is not to bring it up so thank you to those who actually gave me good advice and answered the question I asked.  I appreciate it.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div>

lovesclimbing

Yes, I did ask for advice and I do appreciate it. When I answer a forum post, I will give other advice but I always try to answer any specific questions the poster asked as well. To me, it's simply rude to go to all the trouble of posting all this peripheral advice and then neglect the one thing the poster specifically asked about. I do appreciate the other advice and as a result of it, I'm going to talk to my fiance about having his sister do a reading instead of attend the guest book. But when I offer advice I always try to read the entire post and answer specific questions as well as offer other advice and I simply expect others to do the same. It appeared as if the poster I responded to didn't even read my entire post as is evidenced by the advice she gave and that she didn't answer my question. I'm sorry for being rude in my response. I should have responded differently. I have noticed that the vast majority say that guest book attendant is not an honor and that it's not even needed. I was guest book attendant at my cousin's wedding this summer and I enjoyed it. I was excited to help them and be a part of their big day! And I would say that I was definitely needed. You would be surprised how many people just walk by no matter how obvious the table and guest book are.

Lisa50

I think leaving it alone is your best option.  Why won't your FI ask his sister(s) to be his attendants?  That would be an honor, for sure.

lovesclimbing

For those who asked why she doesn't stand up with my FI:

The main reason is because my mom is making the BM's dresses and the GM's ties out of the same material.  So to match, she would need a dress or at least something out of the same material and it's really too late to do that, even something simple, because there's not enough fabric left over and not enough time for my mom to do it.

Second, part of the reason we decided not to have his two sisters as my BM's is because we didn't want a huge wedding party and decided to limit it to 3 attendants apiece.  And I would feel terrible about asking (or him asking) just one of his sister's and not the other.  Especially since his younger sister (the one my FI did not talk to) is adopted and does look different from my FI and the other sister.  And although both I and my FI consider adopted siblings to be just as much a part of any family and just as "real" as biological ones, I'm afraid she would feel like she was being excluded because she's not his "real" sister or because of her race even though that's the furthest thing from the truth.  But adding both would increase the WP by a third and we don't want it larger.

Finally, we just never thought about it.  All of the weddings I've been to have been pretty traditional with even sides and not mixed-up, gender-wise so I never really thought about it until someone mentioned it in this thread (even though I've heard of it).  I think it's perfectly fine to have uneven and/or mixed sides but I just never thought about it and I'm certain my FI didn't either (he's been to fewer weddings than I have).

So yea, those are our reasons.