Not a friend, but a Bridesmaid?

apple114

This is my first time on the boards, so please bear with me. I have read a few posts about bridesmaids and MOH's, but I feel as though my situation is a little different and I need help...big time!! I'll try to make this a short and sweet as possible. I have a friend that I have known for several years. I have always accepted that she is not everyone’s "cup of tea" but we still got along and would still see each other on occasion. Unfortunately for my friend she and her husband divorced about a year and a half ago, right around the time I started dating my fiance. As a result of the divorce, we drifted apart. My friend was angry all of the time (understandably so), but after a while I was so happy with my boyfriend it was hard to even talk to her on the phone without an hour long convo with her screaming about her ex and leaving me drained (I should also mention that my fiance's sister in law is also my friends now ex-sister in law...this makes everything more difficult trying to be a friend as well as keep the peace between the two of them).

Fast forward to now, and our engagement. I have picked my bridesmaids, all four of them. I have decided not to include my friend, for several huge reasons that I won't even begin to get into. I know she will be hurt when she finds out, and I probably being selfish with this decision but I feel like it's the right decision to make. Not just for me, but for my fiance as well (he is as stressed about this decision as I am).

I guess what I'm asking is, how do I handle this? Should I approach her and let her know she's not in the wedding, or should I let her find out on her own? Or, should I just include her in the wedding party since she assumes she will be anyway, and just hope she can patrol herself well enough to not cause any outbursts with my future sister in law?

banana468

If you don't want her in the WP and it's a friendship related thing (not because she won't be able to fulfill some set of "duties") then stick to your guns.

Don't mention anything to her.  If she asks, just say, "Oh there's X, Y, and Z in the BP."  Don't mention anything about why.  If she does ask, just say, "I really don't think that's a conversation that should be had.  I would love to see you at the wedding though."

trix1223

No you never tell someone that they're not being selected for the WP.   It just doesn't go well.

She'll probably figure it out, but if she is rude enough to ask after you've selected your WP, you simply answer "We've selected the WP, and we're so looking forward to having you as a guest at our wedding." 

Don't include her because she thinks she'll be in it.  That will, without a doubt, blow up in your face.  Think of it this way:  it's one moment that could be awkward (if she asks) versus months and months of awkward when you have a member of the WP that you don't really want there.

Now, having said all of the above, your wedding is 14 months away.  I'd wait until after the holidays to ask anyone.  You won't regret waiting, because there's nothing for a WP to do yet, but you may well regret asking this soon.  Asking at Christmas gives you a full 10 months to order dresses, etc.  Perfect timing.

suz62984

Ok... your friend married your FI's brother and divorced him? It sounds like you aren't friends anymore regardless of wedding stuff. I wouldn't ask her for this reason. You may think she expects to be in the wedding party; however I don't know why she would if you guys don't talk anymore.

Don't approach her with the "Here is why you aren't good enough to be in my wedding conversation." Those won't be the exact words but it will be the gist of it. She will feel even worse with this conversation rather than if she found out on her own. Don't talk wedding with her. Just leave it alone and she will figure it out. This isn't something for you, or your FI, to get stressed about!

mbcdefg

Just let her figure it out. You don't owe her an explanation or an apology. Like PPs said, if she's rude enough to ask, or if she starts saying that she's a BM, then say that you've already picked your BMs and you'll be glad to have her as a guest (if she's even invited) and move on.

If she's hurt, tough. I understand not wanting to make someone upset, but you can't just include her to spare her feelings. She's an adult and she needs to realize that people can't always tiptop around her emotions. Including her to spare her feelings will cause MORE problems than if she finds out that she wasn't included as a bridesmaid and then has the time to get over it (or freak out, in which case you're better off without her).

apple114

Thanks for the advice everyone!! This is pretty much the same answer I came up with as well, but it really helps to hear that I'm not alone in thinking this way.

Trix, the only reason I am "obligated" (and I use that term very losely) to pick my bridesmaids now is a result of the engagement party coming up in the next few months. It will only be open to family and the wedding party. Luckily, my wedding party not only consists of family memebers but two other friends I have had for many many years, who I know I can trust will be there for me every step of the way. Otherwise I'm right there with you, 14 months is too soon!!

Suz, my friend was married to my future sister in law's brother. (I know, say that 5 times fast). And when their marriage blew up it put my FI and myself right smack dab in the middle.

Either way, I'm so grateful for everyone's help! I hope I won't be back in a few months with a "my friend found out she's not a bridesmaid, oh no!" post, HA!!

apple114

Oh, also, could these message boards me any more addicting?? I posted one thing and now I'm on it all of the time! I love the knot!!