Bridesmaid Drama: This is LONG!

ski43930

Okay so I have one bridesmaid who I honestly feel is being really selfish. I am open to all comments and maybe I am blowing things out of proportion. 

The first incident I had with her was getting my bachelorette party scheduled. I am getting married in December and most of my girls are college students so that is right around finals time for them which I completely understand is a stressful time. The issue is that my maid of honor and the rest of the girls were busting their asses to pick a date for everyone to be there and when a date was finally setlled on, she threw a fit about it. Its the Saturday during finals week and our college does do Saturday finals, but the party is at night. There aren't going to be finals at night and the next day is a Sunday so its not like she has something to study for that night. And its finals week for EVERYONE, not just her. 

The second thing that happened is about my lingerie shower that is this Saturday, and she has known about it for a couple months now and all of the sudden she is backing out. She is an RA in one of the dorms and apparently a lot of RA's are out of town this weekend so they want her to work even though she isn't scheduled. My biggest issue with this is that she never seems to have a problem getting out of her RA work whenever its to go see her boyfriend. In fact, the last time I saw her a group of us were out drinking, and she was supposed to be at the dorm working. I understand its her job, but she has known about this for months. 

I really just can't help but feel like she is being selfish. Then with the lingerie shower she actually wanted for me to change the time of the shower from the evening to the afternoon so she could come. First of all I'm not even the one who set the time because I'm not the one throwing the shower and second of all I don't think we should have to change the time of the shower two days before just for one person. She has always been a really good friend to me and it really upsets me that she has been so dramatic about all of the stuff that she is supposed to be at. I haven't really said much to her about it because I absolutely do not want any drama or fighting with her. I just don't really know how to approach her and let her know that she has hurt my feelings by not making the effort that the other bridesmaids have. :-(

SarahPLiz

Being a BM is not a summons to all pre-wedding parties. They are planned by those who choose to throw them, and everyone else is invited, not subpoenaed to be there. If she can't come, then she can't come. No big deal. 

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drama-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:90715baa-e612-4a1c-a906-1295f03e8561Post:5f805361-8dc6-4243-aef8-df9deba37726">Bridesmaid Drama: This is LONG!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay so I have one bridesmaid who I honestly feel is being really selfish. I am open to all comments and maybe I am blowing things out of proportion.  The first incident I had with her was getting my bachelorette party scheduled. I am getting married in December and most of my girls are college students so that is right around finals time for them which I completely understand is a stressful time. The issue is that my maid of honor and the rest of the girls were busting their asses to pick a date for everyone to be there and when a date was finally setlled on, she threw a fit about it. Its the Saturday during finals week and our college does do Saturday finals, but the party is at night. There aren't going to be finals at night and the next day is a Sunday so its not like she has something to study for that night. And its finals week for EVERYONE, not just her.  The second thing that happened is about my lingerie shower that is this Saturday, and she has known about it for a couple months now and all of the sudden she is backing out. She is an RA in one of the dorms and apparently a lot of RA's are out of town this weekend so they want her to work even though she isn't scheduled. My biggest issue with this is that she never seems to have a problem getting out of her RA work whenever its to go see her boyfriend. In fact, the last time I saw her a group of us were out drinking, and she was supposed to be at the dorm working. I understand its her job, but she has known about this for months.  I really just can't help but feel like she is being selfish. Then with the lingerie shower she actually wanted for me to change the time of the shower from the evening to the afternoon so she could come. First of all I'm not even the one who set the time because I'm not the one throwing the shower and second of all I don't think we should have to change the time of the shower two days before just for one person. She has always been a really good friend to me and it really upsets me that she ha<strong>s been so dramatic about all of the stuff that she is supposed to be at</strong>. I haven't really said much to her about it because I absolutely do not want any drama or fighting with her. I just don't really know how to approach her and let her know that she has hurt my feelings by not making the effort that the other bridesmaids have. :-(
Posted by ski43930[/QUOTE]

banana468

Honestly, I think you are being a bit selfish.

Please remember that when it comes to finals they're a serious drain.  I remember taking mine on a Saturday and often I just wanted to sleep once I was done.  And even if she doesn't have finals on Sunday, would she have any other exams after that?  Please know that those need to come first and your wedding comes second.

It's great that you are getting married but my guess is that your BM is stressed and overwhelmed.  As long as she's there for the wedding, please consider her to be a great friend.

LD1970

While it sucks when life gets in the way, I remember finals, and it wasn't easy to just pick up and go out.  I know that Saturday finals aside (we didn't have them) and a clear Sunday aside, if I had finals that next week, I'd probably be freaking out and really stressed at the thought of having to go to a party that Saturday.  Some people just feel like they really need the time to study and can't do other stuff in between.

Yes, it'd be nice if she could go to your parties, but it isn't required and you just need to understand that she's still a good friend and probably still loves you just as much as ever, but doesn't feel like she can do this.  That's all.

Beachy730

Its not your position to dictate when and why she takes time off from being an RA.  Keep your dates as planned and just tell say "I'm sorry these happened to planned at busy times for you, I would love to be able to celebrate with you but understand that you have priorities that come before my wedding."  And yes, her schooling and job come before your wedding, and definitely before any pre-wedding parties. 

Please don't tell her that she's not making the effort that the other BMs have.  You shouldn't be comparing what BMs have done by choice, and you shouldn't be expecting anything of them. 

emilyinchile

1. Bach party
If she didn't help pick the date (and was invited to help), then it's kind of her fault that she doesn't like the final choice. Plus sometimes when you're coordinating a group event, there's no perfect date, and someone's going to be inconvenienced. This isn't your problem, however: either she works it out and comes, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, you can miss her of course, but she's not doing anything wrong, so it would be inappropriate for you to be angry about it. Just tell her that you understand it's finals, but the invitation is open if she can be there for any part of it.

2. Lingerie party
She's in the wrong for asking you to change the time, but you're in the wrong for expecting her to miss work. If she wants to use up her "free passes" to change around her work schedule on activities of her choosing like seeing her boyfriend, that's fine. Again, fine to be bummed she can't make it, not fine to blame her for it.

So in both of these situations, while you're entitled to feel your feelings, confronting her about it would put you in the wrong.

aerinpegadrak

I crawled into a hole during finals (specifically, one of the work rooms in the computer lab) and didn't emerge except for Del Taco runs and dashes back to my dorm to shower until they were done.  I'm not really exaggerating, here.  Sorry, but her education trumps your bachelorette party.  It shouldn't even really be a question.

ksparks10

My MOH forgot to come to my wedding shower. She was at home (about 10 minutes away from shower location) and just FORGOT. Consider yourself lucky that she remembers what time it is. As long as she is there for the big day, I wouldn't get too upset about it. People are going to disappoint you -- its life.

If anything, you can tell her "I understand why you won't be able to make it. Its disappointing, but I understand." It at least gets your feelings that you are sad she is not attending across.

petesa01

I wouldn't stress about it, you have plenty of other things to worry about. I've been a part of a few wedding parties and there is always one BM who is a little less into it than the others. Once the day of the wedding comes she'll figure it out and she'll probably feel a little left out even since all the other BM's were at the events. If it's really because of finals maybe she just handles that stress differently than the other girls and says that she can't come, maybe she'll be sitting at home the night of the party and change her mind. I would just say to her "I can't change the date/time of anything because I am not in charge of it, I would love to have you there but if you can't make it I understand."

You're going to be the one that ends up looking selfish if you get on her case about it. I am in my last semester of college and was just part of a destination wedding, it is stressful.

bablingbrooke

Your BM has a life outside your wedding.  She isn't required to drop what she's doing every time you have a party.  None of my BMs other than my MOH could come to my shower, and my MOH didn't come to the bach party.  It's life, it happens.  My BMs didn't miss the shower out of spite--they lived OOT and had to work.  You need to get over this, and quick, before you find yourself married and friendless.

jerseydevil

Take a step back, a deep breath and show up when and where you're supposed to and enjoy the parties that people are throwing for you!!

All of this is not your problem. How your friend manages her schedule is her business. It is not that selfish if she's doing what she needs to do.

It is selfish of her, however to expect everyone else to change the time or day just bc of her schedule since the event has been planned in advance.