bridesmaids

tmayfie2 · October 2010

I'm having the hardest time coming up with my wedding party. I have my best friend as my MOH, and my other two best friends for sure. There's 6 others that I would like to include, but 9 is just too many for me. I was thinking, that maybe I could have my main party, my 3 for sures, wear the same dress, same color, help me with the planning and whatnot, and then for the other 6, give them a color swatch to pick out their own dress and still stand up with me, just not help with all the planning.. thoughts?

bablingbrooke · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-11?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:91807113-e808-46e9-9aa5-fd1feefd793aPost:5bb72e0b-5d00-41ad-933f-820438a238a7">bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having the hardest time coming up with my wedding party. I have my best friend as my MOH, and my other two best friends for sure. There's 6 others that I would like to include, but 9 is just too many for me. <strong>I was thinking, that maybe I could have my main party, my 3 for sures, wear the same dress, same color, help me with the planning and whatnot, and then for the other 6, give them a color swatch to pick out their own dress and still stand up with me,</strong> just not help with all the planning.. thoughts?
Posted by tmayfie2[/QUOTE]
Just want to point out that this plan makes them all BMs, so I'm not sure why you won't just call them all BMs.

tmayfie2 · October 2010

I don't have that expectation in my head and i'm not trying to insult anyone, i was trying to think of how to include them. i also don't have my priorities backwards, i'm trying to not hurt feelings.

tmayfie2 · October 2010

maybe i shouldn't post this if i'm going to get rude comments. just asking for help.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

But by coming up with an arbitrary number to get a certain "look" in the WP at the expense of keeping out some friends, you are working backwards. You should think of the PEOPLE you want up there with you, not the numbers, look, symmetry, etc. That's what you pay attention to on the wedding day and when you look at the photos--the faces, not the number of heads on each side.

I vote to make them BMs if you want them in the wedding somehow. Your proposal sounds an awful lot like a friendship-ranking system and will do the very opposite of sparing feelings--it will hurt feelings. They're either in the WP or guests, but don't come up with a hybrid-WP system that lets three of them know that they didn't make the cut. I personally vote to have them in the WP. I don't think you'll regret including them, but I do think you'll regret leaving some of them out.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

Where are the rude comments? Telling you that your idea is a bad one isn't being rude--it's being honest. Don't confuse the two. I'm trying to save you from making a mistake that may really hurt your friendships.

mbcdefg · October 2010

Anyone can help you, regardless of their title. They will make the offer if they want to help. Some bridesmaids may not even offer to help.

If someone is not a bridesmaid, then you do not have the right to dictate their attire in any way. Even if you let them pick it out but ask that they wear a special color.

People will understand that you can't make every single friend your bridesmaid. Just choose who you want, and don't give made-up titles or roles or outfits to the ones who weren't chosen. There's no shame in being a guest. Making up honorary titles for them just sends the message, "I'm giving you a pity job" even if you don't mean it that way.

Nobody here was rude to you. Telling you that your idea is bad does not equal "rude."

lalap69 · October 2010

No one has to help you plan your wedding. That's not what a bm does, so you can eliminate that criteria right now. Just ask all 9 to be bm's if you really want them, since what you're describing for the other 6 is all that is required of a bm anyway.

tmayfie2 · October 2010

bad idea then. obviously i was misunderstood.

mbcdefg · October 2010

So what are we misunderstanding, then?

You don't want everyone to be a bridesmaid. You want the leftover girls to wear a specific color-dress. You are saying that the only differences between a real bridesmaid and these other girls is that the real bridesmaids wear a matching dress and help with the plans.

What's to misunderstand?

trix1223 · October 2010

tmayfie, it sounds like you've realized that this is just not a good plan. Sometimes brides get so caught up in trying to "include" everyone in their wedding, that they forget that being a guest IS being included.

And I believe that most people would rather just be a guest than be some kind of second string member of a WP. When you're choosing your WP, try this: without really stopping to think about it: who would you call to take you to the ER at 2:30 in the morning? That's your WP.

One last thing: since this was your first post, one thing you need to realize is that on a public message board like this, you're going to get very, very honest reactions. You won't get validation for bad ideas, and we'll give you "tough love".

And while it might be hard to hear, think of it this way. We'll tell you before you do something that's not going to turn out well. Your friends and family won't tell you because they'll want to spare your feelings. But they'll say it behind your back. I guarantee it.

So take the advice given. It was all excellent advice, designed to keep you from making a decision that would cause you undue heartache between now and your wedding.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

So these other six girls will just be wearing a coordinating but not necessarily matching dress, and standing up for the ceremony?

Yeah, they're bridesmaids, because that's all bridesmaids do. Planning is something that your friends, regardless of title, may choose to help with, but it is not part of the bridesmaid's job description.

Don't overcomplicate things, and don't try to do these gymnastics with people's feelings so you can feel better about "including" everyone. Wedding party is a binary: they're in or they're out. There's no halfway.