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Re: Extra Groomsmen

  • Since you asked "upgraded usher" to be a GM then he is a GM.  You can't "down grade" him now.

    NO ONE cares about uneven sides.  NO ONE.  It will not look bad/strange in pictures.  Get over it.

    To avoid situations like this, people should not replace WP members no matter what the reasoning is for them dropping out.
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  • In Response to Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]Hi Knotties . . . I have one of those "what do I do?" situations. My fiance's best man informed us at the beginning of the summer that he had decided to go to med school in England and would not be able to be in our wedding.  My fiance was, of course, devastated, but what can you do?  He asked one of our ushers to step up and fill the empty space in the groomsmen line-up.  He also asked another friend to fill the empty usher space. Two weeks ago, our best man emailed from England and said he was thoroughly unimpressed with the medical program at the school he was attending, and that he was withdrawing from classes before the deadline.  He's already home!  We happily welcomed him back into the wedding party, but . . . Now we've got the upgraded groomsman and extra usher.  We'd be happy to keep them in the wedding party, but I'd rather things not be lopsided (I KNOW IT'S OK IF IT IS LOPSIDED, I'D JUST RATHER NOT. IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT, I WILL).  Ideally, we'd like to somehow ask the upgraded groomsman to be an usher again, and just stick with three ushers (since we realize that now that we've asked the new usher, we can't kick him out of the wedding.  We don't really want to, anyway). Everyone I've talked to says that girls are much more sensitive about this stuff than guys, and that Upgraded Groomsman is probably not going to be offended or hurt by our asking him to be an usher again, since he knows he was upgraded in the first place.  What do you think?  How do we even start this conversation with him?  HELP!
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]

    JIC
    image
  • In Response to Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]Hi Knotties . . . I have one of those "what do I do?" situations. My fiance's best man informed us at the beginning of the summer that he had decided to go to med school in England and would not be able to be in our wedding.  My fiance was, of course, devastated, but what can you do?  He asked one of our ushers to step up and fill the empty space in the groomsmen line-up.  He also asked another friend to fill the empty usher space. Two weeks ago, our best man emailed from England and said he was thoroughly unimpressed with the medical program at the school he was attending, and that he was withdrawing from classes before the deadline.  He's already home!  We happily welcomed him back into the wedding party, but . . . Now we've got the upgraded groomsman and extra usher.  We'd be happy to keep them in the wedding party, but I'd rather things not be lopsided (I KNOW IT'S OK IF IT IS LOPSIDED, I'D JUST RATHER NOT. IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT, I WILL).  Ideally, we'd like to somehow ask the upgraded groomsman to be an usher again, and just stick with three ushers (since we realize that now that we've asked the new usher, we can't kick him out of the wedding.  We don't really want to, anyway). Everyone I've talked to says that girls are much more sensitive about this stuff than guys, and that Upgraded Groomsman is probably not going to be offended or hurt by our asking him to be an usher again, since he knows he was upgraded in the first place.  What do you think?  How do we even start this conversation with him?  HELP!
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]
    I think that no matter the sensitivity level, asking someone to step down makes it sound like they're replaceable.  It's just rude.  
    It's also not so cool that he "filled the spots" of his friends.  This sounds just as bad as asking someone to step down.  They should be your nearest and dearest, not spots to be filled.  But that's done so leave it be.
    Welcome the best man back and keep the BP as it is.  He will have one extra GM but trust me, no one will notice.
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • edited August 2010
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]Would it be weird if someone escorted my personal attendant?  Even if she's not wearing the bridesmaid's dress?  The only reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid is that I have three sisters and he has four, and I wanted all of them as bridesmaids.  I thought seven bridesmaids was PLENTY.  So I asked her to be a personal attendant instead.  But we could have the last groomsman (whoever that may end up being in the line-up) walk her down . . . Is that weird?
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]

    What, pray tell, is a personal attendant? Are they paid? Because to me "Personal Attendant" sounds like "Personal Slave"...
  • "Upgraded usher/groomsman"? Are you kidding me?

    Stop worrying about the stupid numbers. Your FI should ask the guys he's closest with to be groomsmen, ask other guys to be ushers if he wants, and that's it. That's all you had to do from the beginning, and if someone had to step down then you could've just gone on with whoever was left. Instead, you're turning this into a huge production of ridiculousness. You're calling in replacements, moving people around, filling "empty spots," demoting people ... really ... take a step back, re-read this and realize how utterly ridiculous this all sounds.

    Really, wouldn't YOU feel like shiit if someone said to you, "Want to be an usher in my wedding? Huh, a groomsman dropped out and we need a warm body up there, want to be promoted? Oh, the groomsman is back, so we don't need you anymore. You can go back down to the lower position. K thanks!" Please, read that aloud to yourself and then tell me if you still think it's a good idea. Just because he's got a ballbag instead of ovaries doesn't mean that he won't be insulted by such a crappy move. And just because they tell you to your face that they're O.K. with this doesn't mean that they're not talking behind your backd about what awful friends you are.

    You're honoring friends, not casting roles and understudies in a play. Your friends are going to be insulted and hurt once they see that you're primarily treating them like numbers and upgrades, rather than people you love. These are one-day roles than essentially mean NOTHING once the ceremony is over. Do you really want to make people feel like garbage just so you can have a perfectly matched wedding party for a few hours out of your life?
    image
  • edited August 2010
  • Just tell him "Friend, we were so devastated by your moving away for school that we easily replaced you with a sloppy second and then had another person we could care less about replace that person. Now that you are back, and have screwed up our purfect plans, we are having trouble. You see, we 'love' you and 'value your friendship' but we feel that even sides and symmetry are more important than your relationship and the love we feel towards you. We would love to have you at the wedding, just not in it. I mean our sides have to look good for pictures, ya know."
    Anniversary
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]Would it be weird if someone escorted my personal attendant?  Even if she's not wearing the bridesmaid's dress?  The only reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid is that I have three sisters and he has four, and I wanted all of them as bridesmaids.  I thought seven bridesmaids was PLENTY.  So I asked her to be a personal attendant instead.  But we could have the last groomsman (whoever that may end up being in the line-up) walk her down . . . Is that weird?
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]

    I would think people would confuse her with actually being in the WP. Here are some options: have 2 guys escort  one girl (easiest and most common way I have seen it), have the guy walk himself, have a guy walk the parents/grandparents, have all the guys up front (BMs walk themselves), have all the guys up front and have all (but the one) come to the middle to finish escorting the BMs. 
  • edited August 2010
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE] And jaimed99, my personal attendant is going to help with things that I'll be too busy to help with on the day of the wedding . . . She's going to the reception site to make sure it's all going down well.  She's the contact person for any out of town guests for directions, etc.  I guess, yes, you could call her a "slave," but I desperately need her help with these things, and she is excited to help out.  :-)
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]

    That is what a wedding coordinator is for. This is a vendor position and should be paid. Personal attendants, demoting groomsmen (your relationship evolved but you still want to demote him? Sounds like BS to me.), etc. IMO, you sound rude & bridezillaish; have you even heard the word etiquette??? You don't seem to be using any.
    Anniversary
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Why is a groomsman considered to be an 'upgrade' from an usher? Aren't they  just two different, but equal roles?  Sometimes they are even interchangeable. Are the gms and ushers wearing the same outfits?
    You may have the 'extra' usher walk your friend, your mom, your grandmother or favorite aunt down the aisle during or before the procession. There's nothing unusual about an usher ushering.
                       
  • edited August 2010
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]Wow.  I'm being cast as a total Bridezilla without reason. 
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]

    Or, you know, because you're being a bridezilla.
    image
  • edited August 2010
  • Just out of curiosity, did you lurk first and get a feel for this board?  Did you read any of the sticky posts at the top of the wedding party main page?  If not, before you post on any other board it might be a good idea.  There are some boards that are not as polite as we are.  You may not think so but go lurk on other boards.  

    Also, we can only comment on what you tell us.  And if you lurked you'd see that "replacing" any WP member is a no-no.  Coming back and telling us that your relationship has become stronger with the "upgraded GM" is something totally different.  
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • mbc-don't you know that none of this will get through. Taking responsibility for your actions and having etiquette isn't something that some people have now days. We might as well be talking to a ficus tree here.
    Anniversary
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE] And if you lurked you'd see that "replacing" any WP member is a no-no.  Coming back and telling us that your relationship has become stronger with the "upgraded GM" is something totally different.  
    Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

    Except she still wanted to demote him to an usher again. Still playing favorites.
    Anniversary
  • edited August 2010
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen : Except she still wanted to demote him to an usher again. Still playing favorites.
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

    Thanks Suz, I blocked that out.  Trying to see the rainbows and unicorns.  I guess I'll have to save that for another day.
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen : Thanks.  Guess I should have stuck with people who know the story for opinions. 
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]

    Or maybe try not to promote and demote.  
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • edited August 2010
    Vikes - I understand that we don't know the whole story but we can only go on what you give us. The fact that your post comes in with 'how do we demote this guy', we 'replaced him with usher and then replaced usher', 'my personal attendant is kind of like a slave', etc. makes you look like a bridezilla even if it may not be the case. Etiquette, and friendship, wise it is a huge, major, giant no-no to kick someone out or replace them in the wedding party. Yeah, we can be snotty at times but you weren't helping yourself any here. You fail to see how rude you are being or how demoting can hurt feelings. Your mind seems to be closed to this discussion.
    Anniversary
  • Well said, Suz.
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen : Thanks.  Guess I should have stuck with people who know the story for opinions. 
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]
    image
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited August 2010
    In Response to Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]Hi Knotties . . . I have one of those "what do I do?" situations. My fiance's best man informed us at the beginning of the summer that he had decided to go to med school in England and would not be able to be in our wedding.  My fiance was, of course, devastated, but what can you do?  He asked one of our ushers to step up and fill the empty space in the groomsmen line-up.  He also asked another friend to fill the empty usher space. Two weeks ago, our best man emailed from England and said he was thoroughly unimpressed with the medical program at the school he was attending, and that he was withdrawing from classes before the deadline.  He's already home!  We happily welcomed him back into the wedding party, but . . . Now we've got the upgraded groomsman and extra usher.  We'd be happy to keep them in the wedding party, but I'd rather things not be lopsided (I KNOW IT'S OK IF IT IS LOPSIDED, I'D JUST RATHER NOT. IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT, I WILL).  Ideally, we'd like to somehow ask the upgraded groomsman to be an usher again, and just stick with three ushers (since we realize that now that we've asked the new usher, we can't kick him out of the wedding.  We don't really want to, anyway). Everyone I've talked to says that girls are much more sensitive about this stuff than guys, and that Upgraded Groomsman is probably not going to be offended or hurt by our asking him to be an usher again, since he knows he was upgraded in the first place.  What do you think?  How do we even start this conversation with him?  HELP!
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]

    Guess what? It came down to it.

    Besides a passion for symmetry, what reason is there to have even sides? The people in your Wedding Party are there because you asked them to stand up with you as an honour. It's the people you love most in life, whether there are symmetrical sides or not.

    You were wrong to "upgrade" anyone. You'd be wrong to demote anyone. That is the etiquette in this situation, so you would leave it as you have it. Have your BM back in the wedding, but keep the other groomsman without other changes.

    These are people, and they are your friends - treat them as such, and not as props to decorate your ceremony space.

    Also, I don't believe any of your backtracking reply posts. You said in your OP that you DO care about numbers, because ideally you'd like to demote the groomsman to an usher position (even though you later say you asked him because you grew closer). You said that you don't actually care about numbers... but in your OP you said you didn't want things lopsided if it could be avoided. Quit backtracking and own up to what you said in your OP. We can only judge you off the posts you make, so the impression you give us and the advice we give is based off of what YOU say.

  • edited August 2010
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited August 2010
    In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen : Thanks.  Guess I should have stuck with people who know the story for opinions. 
    Posted by VikesBadgersFan[/QUOTE]
    Anyone who doesn't know the "whole story" will think that you've gone full-bridezilla.  You should just be aware that the "anyone" in question?  Is everyone.  Everyone you know, and every stranger who gets wind of it.  Everyone.  The bride is always the loser in this scenario.

    If your only concern is people walking alone down the aisle, send trios down instead.  Not that complicated, that's how we did it.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In VikesBadgers defense, personal attendants are very common in MN/WI.  For most brides it is a friend who helps with little things like holding your purse during the ceremony, maybe helping you set the room up, or holding the $ to give to vendors.  Not a slave.  Just a trustworthy friend who enjoys helping. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to Re: Extra Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]In VikesBadgers defense, personal attendants are very common in MN/WI.  For most brides it is a friend who helps with little things like holding your purse during the ceremony, maybe helping you set the room up, or holding the $ to give to vendors.  Not a slave.  Just a trustworthy friend who enjoys helping. 
    Posted by ehathewa[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, but she herself described the duties as much more than just token, more in line with what a DOC does.  I volunteered to DOC for a friend, and the only time I got to sit down for 12 hours was when I was driving, and I certainly wasn't part of the party or the fun.  It was work, it was hard and exhausting work, and the people who charge for it earn every damn penny that they make.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Wow, OP is going heavy with the DD
    image
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