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Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems

I got engaged in May of this year (2012) and announced and asked my friends in June to be a bridesmaid/MOH. When I asked, I also noted that I understood how expensive it could be to accept that role so if they didn't think it was possible, I understood and wouldn't be upset. They all accepted and seemed happy to do it. Fast forward to almost 5 months later and I now feel like a burden to these girls. First, it was impossible to get all 6 girls to look at dresses with me, so I decided I'd let them pick at their leisure as long as the material, length and color were the same. They never took the initiative to do this. Finally after 2 months of stressing, my sis-in-law (a bridesmaid) sends me one that I fell in love with. Keep in mind, NONE of the other girls took initiative, not even the MOH or Matron of Honour. I sent it to them all and even told them exactly where to go, how much it costs (only $160), and even the store's hours. As of today, only my sis-in-law has ordered and paid for hers. This store won't send any orders until ALL are received. Now my wedding is only 7 months away and the girls are expressing how broke they are. To make matters worse, it is my MOH and Matron of Honour that is the most broke. I feel like Bridezilla for putting a deadline on the purchase but it has to be - otherwise  NO ONE will get their dress on time. I'm very happy for her but only 1 month after asking her to be my MOH, she found out she was pregnant. Now she won't have time to plan things, pay for things, and help with MOH duties. She swears she will but she hasn't proven herself so far and even worse, she straight up told me on the phone yesterday that she can't be there for me like I need her to be right now. Won't things like time and money only get worse for her with this pregnancy down the road?! Then with my Matron of Honour, I should have thought it through better, but she is a mother of two young ones. She was just crying over the fact they are so broke. As for the other girls, one asked ME to buy her dress, one is getting married one month after me, and the other is broke like the rest having just moved into a new house. So, all this time, just me and my Mom have been planning and working the duties of a MOH. Even with having TWO MOH, I still have no help.
I honestly feel like a burden and a Bridezilla having to put deadlines on them and ask them to pay for things like the dress, especially close to Christmas. However, the first request was to buy last month and only one did. I would rather know now then find out down the road that they can't afford it and it be too late to ask anyone else. What in the heck do I do! At this point, I am so depressed and upset that I don't even want anyone in the wedding. I think they would be hurt if I "fired" them - even if it was done politely but at the same time, I feel like it would be easier on everyone if no one was responsible for anything expcept showing up. Plus there is the whole dilemma with showers and parties that a typical MOH would throw - doubt money is there for that if this is already happening! Anyone else been through this and have some advice!? Surely I can't be the only one! I would greatly appreciate any advice - I'm tired of crying over something that should be the most joyous occasion of my life so far.

Re: Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems

  • ohwhynot85ohwhynot85 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited October 2012
    Your wedding isn't until next May. Take a deep breathe and chill out. They have plenty of time to get a dress in. Also, did you ask the girls individually how much they are comfortable spending instead of just telling them you know how expensive it is? Not to mention its NOT OK to have back up bridesmaids in case yours don't follow your pretty princess day planning to a tee. You have a fiancé, have him help plan your wedding. It's not your MOH or maids JOB to do it with or for you. Give them a break, especially your pregnant MOH. I don't see what you're so hurt and upset about? This absolutely baffles me. I cannot believe that brides have such crazy expectations. Would you call upon them to help plan your every day? No you wouldn't. So don't expect them to help plan the most important day of your life. You have family and a fiancé for that.
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  • In Response to Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems:
    [QUOTE]I got engaged in May of this year (2012) and announced and asked my friends in June to be a bridesmaid/MOH. When I asked, I also noted that I understood how expensive it could be to accept that role so if they didn't think it was possible, I understood and wouldn't be upset. They all accepted and seemed happy to do it. Fast forward to almost 5 months later and I now feel like a burden to these girls. First, it was impossible to get all 6 girls to look at dresses with me, so I decided I'd let them pick at their leisure as long as the material, length and color were the same. They never took the initiative to do this. Finally after 2 months of stressing, my sis-in-law (a bridesmaid) sends me one that I fell in love with. Keep in mind, NONE of the other girls took initiative, not even the MOH or Matron of Honour. I sent it to them all and even told them exactly where to go, how much it costs (only $160), and even the store's hours. As of today, only my sis-in-law has ordered and paid for hers. This store won't send any orders until ALL are received. Now my wedding is only 7 months away and the girls are expressing how broke they are. To make matters worse, it is my MOH and Matron of Honour that is the most broke. I feel like Bridezilla for putting a deadline on the purchase but it has to be - otherwise  NO ONE will get their dress on time. I'm very happy for her but only 1 month after asking her to be my MOH, she found out she was pregnant. Now she won't have time to plan things, pay for things, and help with MOH duties. She swears she will but she hasn't proven herself so far and even worse, she straight up told me on the phone yesterday that she can't be there for me like I need her to be right now. Won't things like time and money only get worse for her with this pregnancy down the road?! Then with my Matron of Honour, I should have thought it through better, but she is a mother of two young ones. She was just crying over the fact they are so broke. As for the other girls, one asked ME to buy her dress, one is getting married one month after me, and the other is broke like the rest having just moved into a new house. So, all this time, just me and my Mom have been planning and working the duties of a MOH. Even with having TWO MOH, I still have no help. I honestly feel like a burden and a Bridezilla having to put deadlines on them and ask them to pay for things like the dress, especially close to Christmas. However, the first request was to buy last month and only one did. I would rather know now then find out down the road that they can't afford it and it be too late to ask anyone else. What in the heck do I do! At this point, I am so depressed and upset that I don't even want anyone in the wedding. I think they would be hurt if I "fired" them - even if it was done politely but at the same time, I feel like it would be easier on everyone if no one was responsible for anything expcept showing up. Plus there is the whole dilemma with showers and parties that a typical MOH would throw - doubt money is there for that if this is already happening! Anyone else been through this and have some advice!? Surely I can't be the only one! I would greatly appreciate any advice - I'm tired of crying over something that should be the most joyous occasion of my life so far.
    Posted by mmccuiston[/QUOTE]
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems:
    [QUOTE]I got engaged in May of this year (2012) and announced and asked my friends in June to be a bridesmaid/MOH. When I asked, I also noted that I understood how expensive it could be to accept that role so if they didn't think it was possible, I understood and wouldn't be upset. They all accepted and seemed happy to do it. Fast forward to almost 5 months later and I now feel like a burden to these girls. First, it was impossible to get all 6 girls to look at dresses with me, so I decided I'd let them pick at their leisure as long as the material, length and color were the same. They never took the initiative to do this. Finally after 2 months of stressing, my sis-in-law (a bridesmaid) sends me one that I fell in love with. Keep in mind, NONE of the other girls took initiative, not even the MOH or Matron of Honour. I sent it to them all and even told them exactly where to go, how much it costs (only $160), and even the store's hours. As of today, only my sis-in-law has ordered and paid for hers. This store won't send any orders until ALL are received. Now my wedding is only 7 months away and the girls are expressing how broke they are. To make matters worse, it is my MOH and Matron of Honour that is the most broke. I feel like Bridezilla for putting a deadline on the purchase but it has to be - otherwise  NO ONE will get their dress on time. I'm very happy for her but only 1 month after asking her to be my MOH, she found out she was pregnant. Now she won't have time to plan things, pay for things, and help with MOH duties. She swears she will but she hasn't proven herself so far and even worse, she straight up told me on the phone yesterday that she can't be there for me like I need her to be right now. Won't things like time and money only get worse for her with this pregnancy down the road?! Then with my Matron of Honour, I should have thought it through better, but she is a mother of two young ones. She was just crying over the fact they are so broke. As for the other girls, one asked ME to buy her dress, one is getting married one month after me, and the other is broke like the rest having just moved into a new house. So, all this time, just me and my Mom have been planning and working the duties of a MOH. Even with having TWO MOH, I still have no help. I honestly feel like a burden and a Bridezilla having to put deadlines on them and ask them to pay for things like the dress, especially close to Christmas. However, the first request was to buy last month and only one did. I would rather know now then find out down the road that they can't afford it and it be too late to ask anyone else. What in the heck do I do! At this point, I am so depressed and upset that I don't even want anyone in the wedding. I think they would be hurt if I "fired" them - even if it was done politely but at the same time, I feel like it would be easier on everyone if no one was responsible for anything expcept showing up. Plus there is the whole dilemma with showers and parties that a typical MOH would throw - doubt money is there for that if this is already happening! Anyone else been through this and have some advice!? Surely I can't be the only one! I would greatly appreciate any advice - I'm tired of crying over something that should be the most joyous occasion of my life so far.
    Posted by mmccuiston[/QUOTE]

    1) It sounds like you went about this the wrong way.  Instead of telling them that being in your wedding would be expensive and telling them they'd either have to spend the money or decline, you should have asked them for a budget before BM dress shopping.  Since you didn't do that before selecting a dress, you shouldn't be surprised that they can't all afford it.  $160 may not seem like much to you, but that's a lot of money for some people to spend on a one time use thing.  Now that people are telling you they are having budget problems, you should go back and ask what they can afford, and then either choose a new dress or pay the difference.  If that means you have to reimburse the girl who did buy her dress, that's your problem for not asking.  
    2) You keep going on and on about MOH duties.  WTF are you talking about?  The only duty of the MOH is to stand up next to you in the wedding.  With more than 7 months until the wedding, I don't see how this is a concern.  It sounds like you think she should be planning your wedding or planning showers for you.  That's absolutely NOT her responsibility.  If you need help planning your wedding, ask your FI or hire a planner.  You shouldn't even be thinking about showers.
    3) Kicking anyone out of your wedding is a horribly nasty thing to do to a person, not to mention a friendship ending move.  If one of them had done something worthy of ruining the friendship, that would be one thing, but your only complaint is that your WP has not made your wedding their number one priority.  
    You need to get your expectations in check.  You are being really unreasonable and demanding here.  If you don't get a grip, you are going to end up ruining friendships, even if you don't start kicking people out.  
  • 1. It's too early to be worrying about dresses. BM dresses are usually ordered 3-4 months ahead of time and that is plenty of time. Where are you ordering from? you might need even LESS time. Find out from the store when the absolute LAST day is to order without paying a rush fee and then the date where there's an extra rush fee and let the BMS know this.

    2. Did you get their budgets privately ahead of time? Because if not, it isn't fair for you to expect them to buy a $160 dress. That is quite a bit of money for a lot of people. And by get their budgets, I don't mean, "Hey I found a dress for 160. That OK with you all?" That puts them on the spot and they may not feel comfortable saying they can't afford a dress you love. You should have asked them for an actual monetary value they could afford privately before even beginning to dress search. So if a bunch of them can't afford it, I would scrap my advice in #1 and just find a different dress in their price point. You've got time.

    3. Regarding pregnant BM (and all of them): there is nothing to plan, nothing to do. It's your wedding; you plan it. They are not required to throw parties or showers. So really, all she HAS to do is buy a dress in an agreed-upon (by everyone) budget and show up the day of the wedding.


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Firing your MOHs would be really hurtful to them and damaging to future relationships with them.

    It's unfunny, but unfortunately, many people are just not into "doing things for the bride" even if they claim to be happy or even expect to be asked to be in a bridal party.  They don't want to look at or order dresses; they don't want to plan parties, and especially, they don't want to talk wedding talk, make DIY projects, or actually do anything other than show up and walk down the aisle with the bride.  It probably has nothing to do with you and more to do with the fact that for some people, that just isn't their cup of tea or joe.

    I have to echo PPs:  Did you talk budgets with them, or otherwise express what you wanted from anyone in the bridal party, at the time you asked them to be in it?  If you didn't, maybe that's why they're feeling burdened now.

    I think you are going to have to accept that you're just not going to get the parties or other attention from them that you'd like, especially from the MOHs, and just live and let live.  It doesn't feel nice to have to do that, no, but it is the high road. 

    Try to plan the wedding around them rather than hoping they'll come through with ordering dresses-they just can't be expected to care about that as much as you do.  Is there anyone you can count on to "be there" for you?  Talk to them, rather than your bridesmaids, about your wedding plans.  If your bridesmaids continue to blow you off up until the wedding, that kind of indicates how important you are to them, and you can decide what you want to do about your relationships with them after the wedding.
  • If anyone should be there for you and helping you plan, it's your fiance.  Have you asked him to help plan things or are you just counting on your MOHs and mom to help out?  

    It's way too early to be ordering dresses, and you really need to ask each bridesmaid PRIVATELY what her budget is.  MOH doesn't have any "duties"--if your bridal party chooses to throw you a shower or bachelorette party, that's their choice, and very nice of them.  Those types of parties would be thrown a lot closer to the wedding anyways, so I'm not quite sure what you're worried about at this point.

    I think you need to revisit your priorities--if this is actually making you clinically depressed, you need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist.
  • saric83saric83 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2012
    Oh my dear....There is just so much wrong with this and your totally unreasonable expectations.  It sucks that you're sad and upset, but it's your own doing, not your bridesmaids or MOH's. 

    I completely ditto all of the PP's, but I also wanted to add on top of it that I'm guessing if you originally told the girls to pick their own dress within color, length, material, you were probably looking at a David's Bridal or something like it. If that's the case, most dresses there are ready within 1-2 months.  So truly, none of your girls would/should have been ordering their dresses yet! 

    Step back and re-evaluate.  Your bridesmaids and MOH(s) should be your closest friends, not the ones with the most money nor those who are willing to be your unpaid help.  At the end of the day, all that matters is that you're getting married and the ones who you love the most are there to celebrate with you.  Focus on that.
  • yeah PPs have basically covered it.  You already told them they could pick their own dress in the color, so stick to that. 

    If the color was something generic like "blue" then 100% just let it be.  Let them know you're going back to the original plan, that they don't need to order the one specific dress, tell the bridal shop to order the one BMs dress by itself and then CHILL.  They have 7 months.  They can buy something off the rack in the color.  They''ll get it done.

    If the color was more specific - like a particular bridal line's color then ask them for budgets and make sure there are some dresses available in their budgets. If they all can afford at least a couple of the different options then, again, let them know you're returning to the original plan and then chill.  Give them a deadline and let it go.  If one of them can't afford any of the dresses then re-evaluate.  Think about broadening the color to include similar shades so they could potentially buy something off the rack or wear something they own.  Black is a great choice because they'll still match. 

    And if it comes down to someone saying they really just can't afford ANYTHING and feel they need to step down from the BP then look at your budget and decide if you can afford to buy a dress for her or consider changing your requirements to allow her to wear something she already has.  When it comes down to it, do you really want girls up there in matching watermelon dresses or do you want your best friends standing by your side?
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    "First, it was impossible to get all 6 girls to look at dresses with me, so I decided I'd let them pick at their leisure as long as the material, length and color were the same. They never took the initiative to do this. Finally after 2 months of stressing, my sis-in-law (a bridesmaid) sends me one that I fell in love with. Keep in mind, NONE of the other girls took initiative, not even the MOH or Matron of Honour. I sent it to them all and even told them exactly where to go, how much it costs (only $160), and even the store's hours."

    This doesn't even make sense.  First you say that you let them pick their dress at their leisure as long as the material, length, and color were the same, and then you say that one of your BMs chose a dress, presumably following those guidelines, that you decided everyone had to have?  So you went back on what you told them and changed your requirements, which is rude, first of all.  Second, no effing wonder they didn't "take the initiative" to find a dress - even today it's STILL too early to have a dress.  Your wedding is  7 months from now, and even further away when all this went down.  You were wrong to be stressing about it so early, and frankly wrong to be stressing about it at all given the original guidelines you gave your ladies.  If you hadn't reneged on the original agreement you would be fine.  As it is YOU are the one who screwed this up, and YOU are the one who needs to fix it.  I suggest you start by going back to the original requirements, and then backing the heck off.  No one likes a backseat shopper.



  • Yeah 160 seems expensive to me too. My girls didn't give me a budget though I asked and I still tried to keep it under 100. Maybe you need to reevaluate your dress choice as that might be the issue for some of them.
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  • Aw, I'm bored. I was hoping OP would come back to argue with PP.
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  • In Response to Re: Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems:
    [QUOTE]Aw, I'm bored. I was hoping OP would come back to argue with PP.
    Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]

    lol I'm watching this thread before commenting, because I'm pretty sure this is MUD.  The OP hit on almost every single thing you can do wrong with your bridal party on her very first post.  Very suspicious.
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  • Only $160?  My husband and I are both professionals and I would balk at "only $160."

    You're a mess, OP.  Not because your friends aren't doing what you asked but because your demands, concerns and worries are totally unreasonable.

    Now is the time to make it correct.  Ask each girl what their budget it.  Since you picked a dress without taking budget into consideration, now you pay the difference on each girl's dress.  This is why it sucks to do things backwards.

    Then, you forget all about showers, bachelorette parties and "MOH duties."  They are gifts given to you.  You do not demand, ask or tell someone they are going to throw your party.  The MOH does not have to throw it - anyone can do that.  So just chill.

    Your wedding is seven months away.  I'm sure no one is even thinking about your wedding yet because your wedding is only that important to YOU.  That's not a slight on anyone, but really the truth.  Don't be mad that they "didn't take initiative on picking a dress."  Umm... with a wedding nearly a year away, I'm sure they thought "Whatever."  I would, too. 

    Just relax.  Fire no one.  And now clean up your mess.
  • I'm sorry that you aren't enjoying the wedding planning process like you should be. I do like the suggestion of one PP and maybe change your dress color to black. The girls can then go find any black dress that is in their price range, or maybe already in their closet and they will still all look good since they'll be in the same color. Also black would make it easy for your girl who is prego to find a dress that will fit her at whatever size she is at that time at the last minute. Have fun with your colors with the flowers & accessories. Hopefully this will help reduce the stress of some of this.

    In regards to the bachlorette party, think about what it is you really want for a bachlorett party, do you want a night on the town or is it more about hanging out with your friends. For mine we did a girls night in. Every girl brought a bottle of wine & a snack to share with everyone. We had fun & it was a relaxing (and inexpensive) party. \

    For the bridal shower, yes it would be nice if they did it for you, but there is nothing saying that your mom & FMIL can't do it for you if they like.

    Hope things work out for you. Good luck!!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to Re: Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry that you aren't enjoying the wedding planning process like you should be. I do like the suggestion of one PP and maybe change your dress color to black. The girls can then go find any black dress that is in their price range, or maybe already in their closet and they will still all look good since they'll be in the same color. Also black would make it easy for your girl who is prego to find a dress that will fit her at whatever size she is at that time at the last minute. Have fun with your colors with the flowers & accessories. Hopefully this will help reduce the stress of some of this. In regards to the bachlorette party, think about what it is you really want for a bachlorett party, do you want a night on the town or is it more about hanging out with your friends. For mine we did a girls night in. Every girl brought a bottle of wine & a snack to share with everyone. We had fun & it was a relaxing (and inexpensive) party. \ For the bridal shower, yes it would be nice if they did it for you, but there is nothing saying that your mom & FMIL can't do it for you if they like. Hope things work out for you. Good luck!!
    Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

    Actually, mothers of the bride and groom are not supposed to give showers for the bride.  It's considered inappropiate to ask others to give gifts to family members.

    That said, I agree with the rest of your advice.
  • In Response to Re: Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems : Actually, mothers of the bride and groom are not supposed to give showers for the bride.  It's considered inappropiate to ask others to give gifts to family members. That said, I agree with the rest of your advice.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    In some social circles, but not all.  I've actually never been to a bridal shower that wasn't thrown by a mother.  But, if it's frowned upon in your circle (like it still is in many), then I'd steer clear!
  • In Response to Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems:
    [QUOTE] I'm very happy for her but only 1 month after asking her to be my MOH, she found out she was pregnant. Now she won't have time to plan things, pay for things, and help with MOH duties.
    Posted by mmccuiston[/QUOTE]

    The only 'duties' of a MOH are to show up in her dress for the wedding. You can't force/expect her to plan or pay for anything else.

    Did you ask your bridal party what their budget for dress shopping was? $160 is a lot of money for a dress that some girls will never wear again.
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  • $160 is actually pretty expensive. If you told them they could buy any dress that matched your criteria (length, color, material) then why do they have to buy this one dress that costs $160? This is obviously out of their budget and they’re letting you know but you’re not listening, you’re being pretty insensitive. Also, what duties do your MOH/BM’s have? You do know they’re not responsible for throwing parties or helping you with wedding tasks right?

  • I think it's time for you to think about what you can do to make your BP's lives easier.
    Remember, helping others helps people feel better about their own problems, so go for a two-in-one and do things to lower your stress and help them out.

    I'd suggest sending a mass email out letting people know that you accidently asked them all to get the same dress, when they still should just choose something in the color and length you want.  Apologize for saying two different things.  Also apologize for turning into a Bridezilla (you called yourself one).  Let everyone know that you know they've got major life changes happening right now, and apologize for thinking your big life change is more important than theirs.

    For your friend with two little ones, offer to babysit so she can have an evening away from the stresses of home.  Playing around with kids might make you feel better as well.

    Talk to these girls one on one and ask what you can do for them, let them know that their friendship means more to you than just how much they can help you with wedding stuff.
    It can be hard to remember that your wedding is not the biggest thing going on in peoples' lives right now, but you have to remind yourself of that.  Try to have a small party/get-together where absolutely no wedding talk is allowed.

    You can't change other people, but you can change how you react, I think that's what will be the most helpful in your situation.
  • In Response to Re: Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems:
    [QUOTE]Ah, a new member with wisdom! Welcome to the boards, dtbluv!
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
    Thanks!
  • Thanks for responses and suggestions and especially thanks for reading my ridiculously long post. It has all worked out and they will have all bought the dress as of tomorrow. The dress store said it would take 4 months to get dresses back, and then some may need an additional week or 2 for alterations, so we had to get it ordered now. They also won't send one dress order in without all orders, so that was the reason for the stress.
    I'm still just confused why everyone says the MOH only has to buy the dress and show up, then what is the difference b/w MOH and a bridesmaid? Everything I have read and heard is MOH has plenty of duties. Pretty sure they wouldn't make books and websites just for MOH so they know the responsibilities if there were none. I feel really sorry for a bride that has no help from her MOH!!! Anyway, all is right with the world and I will fire my inner Bridezilla! =)
  • In Response to Re: Bride getting depressed over bridal party money problems:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry that you aren't enjoying the wedding planning process like you should be. I do like the suggestion of one PP and maybe change your dress color to black. The girls can then go find any black dress that is in their price range, or maybe already in their closet and they will still all look good since they'll be in the same color. Also black would make it easy for your girl who is prego to find a dress that will fit her at whatever size she is at that time at the last minute. Have fun with your colors with the flowers & accessories. Hopefully this will help reduce the stress of some of this. In regards to the bachlorette party, think about what it is you really want for a bachlorett party, do you want a night on the town or is it more about hanging out with your friends. For mine we did a girls night in. Every girl brought a bottle of wine & a snack to share with everyone. We had fun & it was a relaxing (and inexpensive) party. \ For the bridal shower, yes it would be nice if they did it for you, but there is nothing saying that your mom & FMIL can't do it for you if they like. Hope things work out for you. Good luck!!
    Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]
    I just wanted to say thank you for such a nice response. I love the idea of staying in and bringing a bottle of wine. I was even considering doing that for them since they have put up with, what appears I am after reading, a Bridezilla. lol I just have to let go of such high expectations and enjoy it for what it is - a celebration! =)
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