Correct Me If I'm Wrong...(rant)

linabellabelle

Our Wedding is in 19 days! It seems like the past 8 months has just FLOWN by, and now here we are about to walk down the aisle. Now, my sweet sweet FI is not really a people person; but I am, so when it came time for us to pick our bridal party, I had WAY more bridesmaids than he did groomsmen. We started out with 5. Then, suddenly, things started to go wrong...one BM moved to Cali and hasnt returned my calls or anything since, one BM said she wasnt going to be in the wedding, and now says she is, and now, its like everyone is dropping out.
Last week, one of my bridesmaids called and asked why I hadnt told her that I was expecting, truth is, i hadnt told anyone, plus, i had found out that morning, I had a miscarraige. She was upset and asking why we weren't better friends. Then, she told me that her husband, and my FI's groomsman, decided he couldnt be in the wedding. So now, we are short a groomsman. After talking it over, I told her that he either needed to be in the wedding, or she couldnt be in the wedding. I wasnt trying to be mean, but I didnt want our numbers to be off, They had already ordered the tux and the BM dress, so you would think they would want to be in it, because there is no way we could refund the money.

so, our wedding party suddenly went from 5 on each side to three. Then, this morning, 19 days away from our wedding, the BEST MAN calls and told me, not my FI, that he cant make it to the wedding. He said "there is trouble at work." He works at WalMart, and told us last week that he had already gotten the days off.

So now, we are a groomsman short, and I am getting tired of this. I know we can have uneven numbers and such, but when it comes to numbers, it has to be equal, or I get a little OCD about it.

Correct me if I am wrong, but dont you think I need better friends? How are we going to fill that space with less than 20 days to go? Ugh, I feel so stuck here! Help!

ehathewa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_correct-im-wrongrant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:930270c7-c725-4c27-a0cd-5238c901514bPost:b439c642-7ec7-4545-b919-2283b7139c3a">Correct Me If I'm Wrong...(rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]. Then, she told me that her husband, and my FI's groomsman, decided he couldnt be in the wedding. So now, we are short a groomsman. After talking it over, I told her that he either needed to be in the wedding, or she couldnt be in the wedding. I wasnt trying to be mean, but I didnt want our numbers to be off, They had already ordered the tux and the BM dress, so you would think they would want to be in it, because there is no way we could refund the money.
Posted by linabellabelle[/QUOTE]

This was bad.  Sides can be uneven.  It really wasn't nice of you to kick her out of the wedding.

Everything else is unfortunate... but life happens.

aerinpegadrak

I think you need to be a better friend if you're willing to kick people out to keep the numbers even.

MyNameIsNot

Yeah, no. Sorry, but if you think it is ok to kick someone out to preserve even sides, I'm not surprised your friends would drop you. You reap what you sew.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_correct-im-wrongrant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:930270c7-c725-4c27-a0cd-5238c901514bPost:b439c642-7ec7-4545-b919-2283b7139c3a">Correct Me If I'm Wrong...(rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]Our Wedding is in 19 days! It seems like the past 8 months has just FLOWN by, and now here we are about to walk down the aisle. Now, my sweet sweet FI is not really a people person; but I am, so when it came time for us to pick our bridal party, I had WAY more bridesmaids than he did groomsmen. We started out with 5. Then, suddenly, things started to go wrong...one BM moved to Cali and hasnt returned my calls or anything since, one BM said she wasnt going to be in the wedding, and now says she is, and now, its like everyone is dropping out. Last week, one of my bridesmaids called and asked why I hadnt told her that I was expecting, truth is, i hadnt told anyone, plus, i had found out that morning, I had a miscarraige. She was upset and asking why we weren't better friends. Then, she told me that her husband, and my FI's groomsman, decided he couldnt be in the wedding. So now, we are short a groomsman. After talking it over, I told her that he either needed to be in the wedding, or she couldnt be in the wedding. I wasnt trying to be mean, but I didnt want our numbers to be off, They had already ordered the tux and the BM dress, so you would think they would want to be in it, because there is no way we could refund the money. so, our wedding party suddenly went from 5 on each side to three. Then, this morning, 19 days away from our wedding, the BEST MAN calls and told me, not my FI, that he cant make it to the wedding. He said "there is trouble at work." He works at WalMart, and told us last week that he had already gotten the days off. So now, we are a groomsman short, and I am getting tired of this. I know we can have uneven numbers and such, but when it comes to numbers, it has to be equal, or I get a little OCD about it. Correct me if I am wrong, but dont you think I need better friends? How are we going to fill that space with less than 20 days to go? Ugh, I feel so stuck here! Help!
Posted by linabellabelle[/QUOTE]

jaimed99

Yes, you are wrong.

Your friend wasn't right in expecting you to tell her every little detail of your life...most women wait until they are past the first trimester before telling anyone (short of immediate family of course). I really am sorry for your loss.

However, you can't give your friends the ultimatum of "your husband needs to be a GM or you can't be a BM"...that makes them look like props, and it makes you sound like a 'zilla...if her husband has decided to remove himself from the WP, that's his choice...asking someone to be part of your WP is a request and an honor, but is surely not a subpoena.

You can have uneven sides. And unless you've been medically diagnosed, you're not OCD...just anal. Think of your friends as friends and not spaces to stand next to you, and everything will be juuuuuust fine

gottahavashorti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_correct-im-wrongrant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:930270c7-c725-4c27-a0cd-5238c901514bPost:b439c642-7ec7-4545-b919-2283b7139c3a">Correct Me If I'm Wrong...(rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]Our Wedding is in 19 days! It seems like the past 8 months has just FLOWN by, and now here we are about to walk down the aisle. Now, my sweet sweet FI is not really a people person; but I am, so when it came time for us to pick our bridal party, I had WAY more bridesmaids than he did groomsmen. We started out with 5. Then, suddenly, things started to go wrong...one BM moved to Cali and hasnt returned my calls or anything since, one BM said she wasnt going to be in the wedding, and now says she is, and now, its like everyone is dropping out. Last week, one of my bridesmaids called and asked why I hadnt told her that I was expecting, truth is, i hadnt told anyone, plus, i had found out that morning, I had a miscarraige. She was upset and asking why we weren't better friends. Then, she told me that her husband, and my FI's groomsman, decided he couldnt be in the wedding. So now, we are short a groomsman. After talking it over, I told her that he either needed to be in the wedding, or she couldnt be in the wedding. I wasnt trying to be mean, but I didnt want our numbers to be off, They had already ordered the tux and the BM dress, so you would think they would want to be in it, because there is no way we could refund the money. so, our wedding party suddenly went from 5 on each side to three. Then, this morning, 19 days away from our wedding, the BEST MAN calls and told me, not my FI, that he cant make it to the wedding. He said "there is trouble at work." He works at WalMart, and told us last week that he had already gotten the days off. So now, we are a groomsman short, and I am getting tired of this. I know we can have uneven numbers and such, but when it comes to numbers, it has to be equal, or I get a little OCD about it. Correct me if I am wrong, but dont you think I need better friends? How are we going to fill that space with less than 20 days to go? Ugh, I feel so stuck here! Help!
Posted by linabellabelle[/QUOTE]
I think you need to be a better friend.  The number of people who have dropped out suggests that your friends have some really topsy turvey lives, are flaky in general, or they have been driven crazy by wedding related things and don't want to deal with it anymore.  Things like numbers being more important than friendships.

For the WalMart thing - the BM is at a shiftwork job that has a certain number of people needed at any given time.  It's not a job where there's a ton of job security and if a few people have to change their schedules, those individuals get behind on their work but things can keep on running.  If people get sick, quit, are fired, and have family emergencies, employees who originally had the day off are asked to pick up extra shifts.  And if you constantly decline offers for extra shifts, you're not going to be one of the first people the manager asks when they need someone to fill in.

Let it go. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_correct-im-wrongrant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:930270c7-c725-4c27-a0cd-5238c901514bPost:c5c722b9-06b4-4da1-b9ad-060114516bbc">Re: Correct Me If I'm Wrong...(rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Correct Me If I'm Wrong...(rant) :For the WalMart thing - the BM is at a shiftwork job that has a certain number of people needed at any given time.  It's not a job where there's a ton of job security and if a few people have to change their schedules, those individuals get behind on their work but things can keep on running.  If people get sick, quit, are fired, and have family emergencies, employees who originally had the day off are asked to pick up extra shifts.  And if you constantly decline offers for extra shifts, you're not going to be one of the first people the manager asks when they need someone to fill in. Let it go. 
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]
Oh yeah, ditto this.  Our groomswoman skipped the AHR because she got called in to work.  There are a certain number of people required to operate each attraction, and they're not going to keep Space Mountain closed for the day just because the guy with no seniority has a friend who's getting married.  Hell, DH wasn't given the day off to go with me to attend my grandmother's funeral; he was supposed to get someone to help him finish his day faster, but too many people called out and those support people had to cover routes. 

In this economy, a good friend wouldn't put another friend's livelihood at risk. 

Manwaithiel

OCD is an actual clinical condition. You can't get a "little" OCD or "kind of" OCD or anything else. You either have OCD or you don't and it needs to be diagnosed by a doctor. There's MY little rant for you.

Your sides are uneven. Get over it. Quickly.

You giving an ultimatum to your friend that she might not be in the wedding party just because someone on the groom's side dropped out is reeeDICULOUS.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure having a miscarriage is awful and it's terrible that your friend pestered you like that over something that is, frankly, none of her damn business. Just tell her so and let that go.

mkrupar

No, you're wrong. You should never have told your friend if her husband wasn't going to be a GM she couldn't be a BM. That's just selfish. Hire models to fill the spots, that sounds like what you wanted all along. You could have had them all wear the same dress, and when one drops out, you call the agency to get another because, heaven forbid, you have uneven sides. Your marriage wouldn't be valid without them.

Ok, seriously, if this isn't MUD (which it totally could be). You just need to let things be as they are right now. if you have one GM and three BMs, then let it be. You're not going to be looking back at your photos and counting heads. It sounds to me like they've put up with a lot from you, and I don't blame them for dropping out. Be a friend, not a bridezilla. Getting married does not give you carte blanche to treat your friends like crap.

FWIW: You didn't need to tell your friend about your situation, but it doesn't sound like that's the biggest issue you've got with them.

Edited: because I can't type. I am sorry for your loss and like I said above you shouldn't have to tell your friends things like that and they should understand, but you've got to get over the uneven sides.

mbcdefg

If you're the type of person who's willing to throw someone out of your wedding party because you think the sides need to be even at all costs, then I can see why people would want to drop out of your wedding and stop being your friend.

I WILL say, however, that you are correct that you aren't obligated to inform anyone of your pregnancy until you're ready. And I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

Everything else, though, you're completely in the wrong and you owe these people an apology.

KaylaSue19

Yeah, it's out of line to kick someone out of your wedding. Even worse if its a "numbers thing". It sounds like you are trying to punish her because her H decided he couldn't be in it. Sorry but your friends all have one common denominator and that's you. It's a two way street, you need to treat them well and respect them to get the respect in return.

KaylaSue19

I do have to add after that harshness however, that I am very sorry you went through a misscarriage. I saw my mom go through 2 when I was 12, so I felt that pain for her.

SSaltzman87

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who was irked by the OCD comment. It always bothers me when people say that in place of being meticulous, anal .....you get the idea.

But onto the real subject here. What you did to your friends was wrong, no wonder they're dropping out. They're people, not props. All that matters is that the people who love and care for you and FI the most are the ones standing up there with you.

Your other friend that got mad because you hadn't told her about your pregnancy was wrong as well, and I too am sorry about your miscarriage.

trix1223

First:  I'm truly sorry about your miscarriage.  My DD lost a baby in January, and we all know how deeply it hurts. My condolences for your loss.

Now to answer your question:  How are we going to fill that space with less than 20 days to go?

Craig's list.

tldh

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[QUOTE]I'm very sorry for your terrible loss and the death of your precious baby. I've had six miscarriages.....I will say a prayer for your child's soul. About the wedding party - I won't be as harsh as everyone here because of your mourning, but I do ask you to ask yourself one question:  When you look at your wedding pics twenty years from now, will you be looking into each person's face, and remembering how special it was to have them there? Or will you count heads to see how many folks are in the photo? It'll be fine. You'll be looking into your husband's eyes, and the guests aren't going to count your wedding party members either.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


This.  Honey, I just want to hug you right now.  It seems like everything is just piling on here so I'm not going to add to it.  My mom has worked for OBs for years and I know that even they, the professionals, get upset when a patient miscarries.  I can't even imagine what you go through when it happens to you. 

Try to remember that the only three people who have to be there for your wedding are you, FI and the officiant.  Everyone else is bonus.  I had four close friends have to back out of coming to my wedding, three for health reasons and one for her job.  Honestly, I didn't think about them once during the day.

suz62984

Well what all your friends have in common is you! I don't think you need better friends...I think you need to be a better friend! I mean, you actually told a close friend of yours that either her husband was in the wedding or she couldn't be. She can't control her husband you silly little bride. I guess even numbers are more important than your friend's feelings. I'd be surprised if you had any friends left after the wedding. I know i'm being harsh but you kinda deserve it. I feel like this is a waste of time because you won't listen anyways so good luck with your day and I hope you learn how to be a nice person and better friend.

ashleenkelly

First, I am so sorry about your miscarriage, I can't even imagine the pain you are going through.

But like everyone else, I do not agree with kicking people out of your bridal party just so the sides are equal.  Early in my wedding planning I wanted that too but my FI has so many good friends and it was hard to narrow them down to equal my number of girls.  I was initially upset but then realized NOONE ELSE IS GOING TO CARE BUT ME. 

At some point, if you really care about the people standing next to you, you have to let it go and realize that noone out there in the church is going to be counting those next to you.  Yes its your day but regaurdless of weather you have three on each side or uneven numbers, your wedding is still going to go on and you should be worrying about the bigger picture.... that you are getting married to the man of your dreams.

Don't take this is the wrong way but for someone who had such a tramatic event such as a miscarriage, you would think you would see that there are worse things in life than having uneven sides at your wedding.... just think about it.