I don't want his brother in the wedding

linnielou327

My fiance's family is great, but his brother is very immature and doesn't know when to stop before something is too much.  I worry that having him in the wedding party is just going to ruin our day, he cannot participate in something fun or funny without going way over the top and ending up making other people mad.

I want to have some fun with pictures and fun at the reception but I feel like he won't constrain himself and it will ruin everything.  The other thing I worry about is he doesn't feel the need to participate in normal hygenic practices and I don't want to look through pictures and have people say with a grimace who is that.  Let alone which maid am I going to pair him up with?

Should I just bite the bullet and put him in or cut down our wedding party to just the maid of honor and best man?

[Deleted User]

I'm confused. Did your FI already ask him to be in the wedding? And have you already invited other people (other than your MOH that is) to be in the bridal party? If either of these questions are yes, you can't really kick him out without it being a pretty big and public insult to him and/or to the other bridal party members that you are just randomly cutting. People often say on here that kicking someone out of a wedding party is a friendship ending move. So, if he's been asked or others have been asked, you have to deal and perhaps try to have a conversation with him (NICELY, not demandingly or putting him down) about what you want from your bridal party day of.

If you HAVEN'T asked anyone beyond MOH and BM, then talk to your fiance. Honestly, if he's fine with not having the brother in, cool. But it is his brother, regardless of behavior. I think he gets to make the choice, even if you worry about your pictures. That may just be my relationship with family, but I feel like if it matters to him, you should let him have his brother.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-want-his-brother-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97654227-c811-4b57-89f2-8dcdc62d3679Post:5b943244-2f96-493d-bc63-d1fd369a95ce">I don't want his brother in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's family is great, but his brother is very immature and doesn't know when to stop before something is too much.  I worry that having him in the wedding party is just going to ruin our day, he cannot participate in something fun or funny without going way over the top and ending up making other people mad. I want to have some fun with pictures and fun at the reception but I feel like he won't constrain himself and it will ruin everything.  The other thing I worry about is he doesn't feel the need to participate in normal hygenic practices and I don't want to look through pictures and have people say with a grimace who is that.  Let alone which maid am I going to pair him up with? Should I just bite the bullet and put him in or cut down our wedding party to just the maid of honor and best man?
Posted by linnielou327[/QUOTE]

You really don't get a say in this. If you fiance wants him in the wedding party, he has every right to ask him, and you do not get to dictate whether or not he can be. I don't know this guy, but I can guess that he, like most people who are usually lacking in propriety, know how to behave at a wedding. I'm sure he will rise to the occasion. But if he behaves like an a$$hole or shows up smelling like one, HE'S going to look bad, not you, and not your FI. Presumably, at least your FI's family is used to this behavior and they'll hardly notice. If your FBIL bothers your FI, maybe he won't choose him to be in the WP, but if he does, you need to grin and bear it.

Don't cut your wedding party. That would be a huge overreaction to what isn't even really a problem. And you don't need to "pair up" your WP. The BMs can walk alone if your FBIL is THAT disgusting that you don't want one of your friends to have to walk with him.

This person is going to be in your family, so be careful with how you proceed.

linnielou327

We are just in the very beginning of planing, no formal wedding party has been set except MOH and BM.

The thing is, my fiance doesn't get along at all with his brother.  They barely tolerate eachother but my fiance feels like if we have a bigger wedding party that his parents will get mad.  That's why I thought if we just cut it down it wouldn't be like purposely leaving the brother out.

I know it's his family and there will be repercussions if the brother gets outlawed on purpose.

[Deleted User]

As long as on one else has even been broached about being in the WP (even informally) and FI honestly doesn't care if his brother is in the wedding party (as in, isn't just giving in to pressure, however inadvertant, from you), then go ahead and make it just an MOH and BM. Seems a logical conclusion. However, again, if you've mentioned to people you plan on having them as a bridesmaid/groomsman, it could cause really hurt feelings if you don't.

banana468

If you think it will be a problem then you may need to have him in there.

BUT, why doesn't anyone ever call the brother out when he's offensive?

MyNameIsNot

This is your FI's decision.  You should not push him one way or the other.  While his brother isn't his best friend, he still may feel that it is important to include his sibling in the wedding party.  For many families, it is a public slap in the face to exclude a sibling.  If you try to push, you are going to come off controlling, among other things.  

The fact that you would cite some future person's reaction to his unkept appearance in future pictures is disgusting.  You really should be ashamed of yourself for thinking that.  Family is about so much more than looks.  

Peledreamsofrain

It's your FI's decision, to be honest. Also, stop worrying about the pictures. When you go to people's houses, and look at the wedding pictures they chose to hang up, it's almost never pictures of the bridal party. Those will hang out in an album in a closet for years.

Ajuliana

It hurts feelings to include some siblings and not others.  When my oldest brother got engaged, it sort of sent our other brother into a really terrifying depression and he acted out pretty dangerously.  BUT it would only have been worse had he been refused a place in the wedding while I was in it.  He played nice at the wedding out of state, but at the in state reception, he refused to come and it made the whole situation awkward and rather obvious.  

Just be glad he is mentally healthy, albeit kind of a weirdo.  There are really sad scenarios playing out in other people's families.