Bridesmaid Dilemma

yahny

I've got a bit of a tricky one... Due to our families being in one country and us living in another one, we are having two weddings. One in Australia, then a blessing in the UK. I picked 3 bridesmaids, my fiance's sister who is in Sydney, my close friend in Perth, Australia and a good friend in London. As the Australian wedding is the official ceremony, I was hoping the London friend and partner would travel to Australia. My fiance wants the partner to be his best man as they are very good friends too. 

We asked them to be in our bridal party at the end of last year. The wedding is this December. We've always said we would like them to be in our bridal party whether they make it to Australia or not but they still haven't said whether they are coming. Although we expect they'll make the blessing in the UK.

I've been emailing my other bridesmaids, starting to narrow down dresses and shoes etc (although not ordering for awhile yet) but she hasn't responded at all. I've seen her a few times and we've talked about it briefly but she hasn't responded to requests to catch-up about it properly. 

I totally understand if they can't make it but I'd just like to know one way or the other. That isn't unreasonable is it? I'm a bit worried I'm being oversensitive about the whole thing. Planning two weddings, one from halfway around the world with bridesmaids in 3 locations and an unhelpful but well meaning fiance is making me a bit argghhh!

tidetravel

Email isn't the most efficent method of keeping in touch. Calling would be the better way of communicating, if it's possible.  You're not ordering dresses for a while - relax and give her some slack.  With BMs in different countries, I would suggest simply picking a color and length and allowing them to find their own dresses, instead of trying to coordinate dress selection across continents.

Your BM may or may not know if she will be able to make it at this point.  A lot of factors are involved with that sort of travel.  You asked her to be a BM - she will be a BM whether she is physically present at the ceremony or not.  Don't pressure her about it right now (and stress yourself out) - you're still almost a year away. 

mbcdefg

If you don't need to look for dresses for a while yet, then you really don't need a concrete answer from her right now, right? Is there another factor where you NEED to know soon whether or not they can all make it? (Are you paying for their travel, etc.?)

Like Tide said, give them some time to think about it. This is a very big trip and I imagine that it must be a very large expense on their part. Continue to talk about non wedding-related things, and her suggestion of doing this over the phone and not e-mail is also a wise one.

I would look into department stores or bridesmaid designers that are offered in both Australia and the U.K., and maybe let each BM pick her own style from a designer that you choose. Or ask them all to wear a black cocktail dress or evening gown, so that they still match but they have some more ease in selecting an outfit.

I would also suggest not making them wear specific shoes. Not only are matching shoes unnecessary, but it's also going to make things harder on all of you. Pick a neutral color that will coordinate with the dress color - black, silver, gold, bronze, champagne, etc. - and then let them find their own shoes. If you want some more control over the style, you can specify pumps or sandals or flats, but even that's not totally necessary.

yahny

Yeah good point re: email vs. phone. Will give that a shot. 

I know I'm not ordering the dresses for awhile but I wanted to book in / organise as much as I can in advance but without fixed numbers, things like transport, hair and beauty are kind of tough. Plus I'll be there for a few weeks and that is the only time I get to see my family for at least another year so want to keep the wedding faffing to a bare minimum once I get there.

I'm actually paying for their outfits, hair and make-up. I've already got my heart set on purple since it suits all three of the girls, my colouring and my favourite flower. If they choose their own dresses, it's likely that I'll end up with 3 different shades of purple and whilst I've seen it look great, I've also seen it look like a dog's dinner. I'm not entirely sure I trust my future SIL to choose her own dress, since she did say she wanted to wear flip-flops at the wedding. Flat shoes are fine but flip-flops at a wedding are only ok if it's held on the beach IMHO. So far the other girls are happy with the dresses / shoes I've suggested and the dress places are both made for measure, so not so much of a problem. 

Anyway, sounds like the gist of it is that I should just chill out a bit

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dilemma-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:977160b0-aa30-4f5a-8e71-a6ed7e3341d2Post:2090cffa-7d54-48a2-94c3-ec80ec59f5a9">Re: Bridesmaid Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not entirely sure I trust my future SIL to choose her own dress, since she did say she wanted to wear flip-flops at the wedding. Flat shoes are fine but flip-flops at a wedding are only ok if it's held on the beach IMHO.
Posted by yahny@yahnyinlondon.com[/QUOTE]

Maybe a compromise would be to ask her to wear dress shoes for the ceremony and all the formal photos and reception intros ... and say that she can put on flip-flops once the formalities are over and the dancing starts.

emilyinchile

I live in Chile, am from the US and have 3 BMs traveling to Chile for our wedding, so I understand your situation. When you live abroad for a lot of people e-mail becomes your main communication with even your best friends - depending on how you usually talk to friends back home you don't need to call just because it's a conversation about your wedding.

I would say that you don't want to pressure her, but you're excited to see her and wondering if she thinks she'll be able to make it. A lot of flights are cheaper right now since it's after the holidays, so if she's not an experienced traveler (ie. not aware of that) you may want to ler her know.

What are you doing for accomodations in Australia? We have space for my friends to stay with us free, which I know is helpful to them. If you can offer to help with something like that, it might be an idea. I'd make sure you're upfront with her about what you're asking her to pay (she might be worried about costs that you're planning to take care of).

I knew for sure all 3 of my friends would make it, but I was still anxious/excited for them to actually book their flights and trying not to be annoying about it, so I understand how you feel! Just gotta keep telling yourself to calm down, this is definitely a case of no one being as excited as you are about a plane reservation.