bridesmaid drama...dont know what to do

alexlad

I have a friend (for 2 years) who was also my roommate that I asked to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. She is VERY into the wedding planning ideas and VERY jealous of the maid of honor because she feels that she is most importatnt to me. Well the problem with this is.....She has, in the last 6 months, turned sooo mean. I cant stand being around her. She is the most negative person i've ever met. I do not consider her a friend and actually do everything I can politely do to avoid her. All she does is critisize my every move, look, thought, feeling, etc. We have a very unhealthy relationship because I try so hard to make her happy and build her confidence and all she does is put me down. I will get soo upset over the mean little things she says to me. I have not started doing any wedding planning (because i want my fi and i to enjoy it and im scared she will start calling me, find out one plan that we have made, and start bashing it). I have not asked my bms to do anything or put any pressure on them at all. All I have done is ask them to be my bms because I love them and want them to be a part of my big day. So I am assuming that she is not mad at me for being a brideszilla. I honestly cannot stand her negativity and do not care if I ever see her again. I want her to be happy and healthy but no part of my life. So now I do not know what to do. I do not want her in my wedding making me not enjoy this special time. She is way too obnoxious for me to try to ignore her snied comments and go about being happy. I do not want to kick her out because I do not want to be a brideszilla. I do not want people to look down on me for it. Also she has asked me to be her MOH even though her bf has not proposed yet so that adds more drama to the situation. I honestly think she is a good person deep down but she just has sooo many issues that I just cant handle her anymore without losing my sanity. HELP!!

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dramadont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97adb3df-c7ca-48a0-872d-260a0e82f41ePost:0e02f516-567d-4c9c-b2f7-ac4674fbc014">bridesmaid drama...dont know what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a friend (for 2 years) who was also my roommate that I asked to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. She is VERY into the wedding planning ideas and VERY jealous of the maid of honor because she feels that she is most importatnt to me. Well the problem with this is.....She has, in the last 6 months, turned sooo mean. I cant stand being around her. She is the most negative person i've ever met. I do not consider her a friend and actually do everything I can politely do to avoid her. All she does is critisize my every move, look, thought, feeling, etc. We have a very unhealthy relationship because I try so hard to make her happy and build her confidence and all she does is put me down. I will get soo upset over the mean little things she says to me. I have not started doing any wedding planning (because i want my fi and i to enjoy it and im scared she will start calling me, find out one plan that we have made, and start bashing it). I have not asked my bms to do anything or put any pressure on them at all. All I have done is ask them to be my bms because I love them and want them to be a part of my big day. So I am assuming that she is not mad at me for being a brideszilla. I honestly cannot stand her negativity and do not care if I ever see her again. I want her to be happy and healthy but no part of my life. So now I do not know what to do. I do not want her in my wedding making me not enjoy this special time. She is way too obnoxious for me to try to ignore her snied comments and go about being happy. I do not want to kick her out because I do not want to be a brideszilla. I do not want people to look down on me for it. Also she has asked me to be her MOH even though her bf has not proposed yet so that adds more drama to the situation. I honestly think she is a good person deep down but she just has sooo many issues that I just cant handle her anymore without losing my sanity. HELP!!
Posted by alexlad[/QUOTE]

aerinpegadrak

*sigh*

Kicking her out ends the friendship.  If you no longer want anything to do with her, then fine, but don't make it about your wedding.

If you don't want to be her MOH, decline.  If you still want to stay on good terms, make some polite excuse (busy with your own wedding, finances, don't want to commit to something when there's no date).  If you're cutting ties, then obviously you're not going to be her MOH.

And, for anyone else who might stumble onto this thread, this is pretty much exactly what happens when you ask bridesmaids way too early.  That ship has sailed for you, but maybe someone else can learn from your mistake.

bablingbrooke

If she was always this way, I don't know why you thought that would change for your wedding.

Don't agree to be MOH until she's actually engaged.

If you don't want to be her friend anymore, end the friendship.  The BM part will take care of itself.  If you still want to be friends, talk to her about this and she'll stay your BM.  But you can't have your cake and eat it too here.

alexlad

Thanks for the advice it helped. I have been engaged for a really long time so i'm not gonna beat myself up over it. I felt that it was the RIGHT time for ME to ask. I agree with aerin that if i cut off the friendship i do not have to worry about the moh thing. I also agree that it is not really a wedding issue. I think if i cut off the friendship she will assume she is not in the wedding. Then my only issue will be how to deal with the questions about me removing her from the website etc. Hopefully people will know not to ask.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dramadont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97adb3df-c7ca-48a0-872d-260a0e82f41ePost:692fe37a-e82b-451b-9ec4-bf3ec8b9d673">Re: bridesmaid drama...dont know what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice it helped. I have been engaged for a really long time so i'm not gonna beat myself up over it. I felt that it was the RIGHT time for ME to ask. 
Posted by alexlad[/QUOTE]
Obviously it wasn't because you wouldn't be in this mess had you waited a little bit.

alexlad

When i asked her she was not this way. Actually we were like best friends for a couple years and really close..which kind of makes me wonder if me getting married has anything to do with her life crisis.

bablingbrooke

I think you're realizing the kind of person she really is and what kind of friend she is.  I'm not sure the wedding was a trigger but it might have been.  But if this is totally new behaviour and really out of character I'd want to know what's up before ending a friendship.  But I also can't advocate keeping friends in your life who only make you feel bad about yourself.

blackfire5th

If people want to know why she is no longer in the party just explain that you two had just drifted apart and the friendship had run its course.

You said this has happened in the last six months.  What changed six months ago?  Have you talked to her about her change in behavior?  Since you still have a long time before the wedding, you don't have to address the bm issue now.  Work on your friendship for a few months and when you get to the point where you want to start looking at dresses, that is the time to address if you want her in the party.

kcp5015

I have a person like this in my life that expects to be my MOH.  The only problem is that for me this person is my older sister, and I was her MOH (along with one other girl) so I'm kind of screwed.  Is there any way that I could just NOT have a MOH and split the duties among my bridal party?

anne.azano

Talk to her.  Use "I feel" instead of accusing her.  I feel upset/hurt when you say things like "something she's said."  Tell her you feel that she's upset with you for some reason.  Maybe she is.    Ask her if something is going on that's caused her to change.  You can give her an opportunity to talk about it, to open up.  Maybe she's jealous, who knows?  But when you have this conversation, try not to make it about the wedding.  Don't say anything about your bridal party.  Concentrate on getting to the root of her feelings, what is causing her behavior, and see what she says.  

jagore08

Ditto Stage.  I don't even want to attempt. 

felicia220

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dramadont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97adb3df-c7ca-48a0-872d-260a0e82f41ePost:ace2478f-47ce-4ebc-8c47-85c62a257b64">Re: bridesmaid drama...dont know what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a person like this in my life that expects to be my MOH.  The only problem is that for me this person is my older sister, and I was her MOH (along with one other girl) so I'm kind of screwed.  Is there any way that I could just NOT have a MOH and split the duties among my bridal party?
Posted by kcp5015[/QUOTE]

<div>You could do co-MOH and have two. Your sister and the person you would have picked anyway.  That is totally up to you and if you just want to make your sister happy and really don't care, then that is what I would do</div>

alexlad

Thank you so much blackfire and anne. I am definatly going to use that advice. I have really been scared to even talk to her cause she has been sooo crazy. I might as well try because whats the worst that could happen. It can only get better I dont think it could get any worse. I know that I don't want to be close friends with her, but maybe just acquaintances. I can salvage her in the wedding and not have to make it a big deal. KCP I think that it is fine if you do not want a moh. It is your wedding so you can make the rules. I have heard of people doing this before. So, if this is how you feel, then I say go for it. Jagore and stage if you do not want to answer the message then why even coment on it? You are wasting your time and mine.

lalap69

CN:  OP has been friends with her roommate for 2 years and asked her to be a BM.  BM is a big meanie who is scaring OP off of wedding planning with her negativity.  OP doesn't want to be friends with BM anymore and doesn't want her in the wedding.  BM has also asked OP to be MOH for her, even though she isn't engaged yet.

OP - If you listened to what they are saying, you'd see they're not wasting your time at all.  Learn some netiquette.  Breaking up your post into paragraphs is important.  The big wall of text you posted is not only daunting but hard on the eyes.  I had to c&p into word and break it up to get through it.  Most people don't have that kind of patience.  And they're saying that they do want to answer the message, but you need to make that easier for them.  It's a good idea; you get more responses that way.

alexlad

Thanks lalap ill try to remember that for the future. The main reason I did it is because i have seen alot of people being mean on this sight so I did not want to leave info out for people to run with but you broke it down great!

lalap69

Honestly, just hitting enter twice every once in a while when you're writing a long post goes a long way.  I do think it's a good idea to include some detail in your posts because we can only advise you based on what you tell us.  You just want to make sure that you're putting that information forward in a way people can easily discern.  It's also common on these boards to use Cliff's Notes (summarize what you've said) at the end, in case people don't want to read the whole long thing.

I think it's more that the site is brutally honest than that people are mean, and a lot of people aren't used to that because it's not something you see a lot of in real life.  But if you try to look at it as the posters trying to save you from making mistakes in your real life (where no one will tell you that you're being an ass or whatever), it helps.  No one has a personal investment in this.

Take the issue of asking too soon.  The ladies on this site advise waiting because there are hundreds of brides who post every week very similarly to you - they asked too soon and things changed and now they want to kick out a BM.  I've decided to take that advice for my own life.  I can see from your argument with Brooke that you feel that advice shouldn't apply to you, but the fact of the matter is that you're in the same situation that the advice is designed to avoid.  If you'd taken the advice, you wouldn't be in the situation.  It might seem mean to point it out, but there are brides who will see that and learn from it.  Like me.

I hope this helps.  (And also, do you see how much easier the paragraphs make this to read?)

trix1223

People are NOT mean on this site.  They are blunt, they are honest, and they don't pull their punches.  Just because they don't AFFIRM what you're saying does not in any way = mean.

If you want validation, try a local board.  But please don't confuse honest with mean.

And FWIW:  I agree with the wall of text.  I didn't even try to read it.  It's just too hard to decipher.

alexlad

Mean was the wrong word I'm sorry. I just personally think that you should not pry into these peoples descisions but simply answer the question asked.

You do not know them or the entire situation.

I dont think you should use a complete strangers misfortune to teach others a lesson. If you want to teach them a lesson then do it on your own life. But then again I am a sensitive person. I DO understand the point of this blog is for them to be brutally honest.

i think I just do not have the personality for it haha. That might be part of the problem with my friend/bridesmaid and I. I just believe in being respectful/nice to people and she more speaks her mind and does not edit. ANYTHING!

So I guess that is something I have learned here. That this might be part of our problem. Clashing personalities.

But thanks for putting me in my place because sometimes I need that and I guess I agree that these women are not meaning to come off this way. They are doing it because noone else will.

I feel that everything I say is going to be argued with by someone though So maybe a word of advice to the bloggers answering the question. You may have to sugar coat it a little for people like me to listen. Otherwise you are just wasting your time. (however this is not your problem and I get that)

lalap69

One - this is not a blog.  We are not bloggers (here).  This is a board and we're posters on it.

Two - A thick skin is necessary for playing on the internet.  And honestly, it's a good thing to have for life in general.  I say this as someone who has been put in her place on these boards and is better for it.

Three - Would you tell your friend if she had broccoli in her teeth?  She didn't ask you if she did.  It's not that different to point out to someone when they're going to do something rude, even if they didn't ask about that.  If posters are rude to their friends and family, it doesn't affect us at all; just like your friend having broccoli in her teeth doesn't affect you.  You're helping the person to avoid looking like an ass.

leeshab1982

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dramadont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97adb3df-c7ca-48a0-872d-260a0e82f41ePost:061aeba1-259e-4b38-b0ec-db9a5b2049b6">Re: bridesmaid drama...dont know what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Would you tell your friend if she had broccoli in her teeth?  She didn't ask you if she did.  It's not that different to point out to someone when they're going to do something rude, even if they didn't ask about that.  If posters are rude to their friends and family, it doesn't affect us at all; just like your friend having broccoli in her teeth doesn't affect you.  You're helping the person to avoid looking like an ass.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

I like this a lot.  I never thought about it quite like this before.

alexlad

Right   I understand ladies. I didn't realize yall weren't bloggers sorry.

trix1223

alex:  people come here and ask a question.  Unbiased outsiders can often see pitfalls or consequences that the OP probably hasn't even thought of.  And we point them out.

If we simply validated what you said, there wouldn't be much point in being here.  Oh wait:  I think they often call that a local board. 

But in many cases, having the ramifications of what you're about to do pointed out can help you from making a terrible mistake. 

It's never pleasant to be told that you're wrong, or that you're making a potentially disastrous decision.  But would you rather hear it here from strangers before you make said decision, or would you prefer to make your decision and then have to live with the ugly consequences of what you did?

As pp said:  if you don't have the stomach for honest, sometimes blunt advice, then I suggest you stay away.  Because you're not going to get puppies and rainbows on this board.  But you will get incredibly helpful advice if you allow yourself to be open to other points of view.

See, here's the thing:  we'll tell you what others are thinking but won't say to your face.

alexlad

Thanks trix I understand. You explained it perfectly.

Miss_Sophia

When I asked one of my friends to be a BM (BM A)we were really close too. Then she started going off the deep end with her new (at the time) boyfriend. None of his friends liked my other BM (BM who i've known since kindergarten so BM A decided she didn't like BM B anymore either and I couldn't stand the drama it was causing. BM A's boyfriend is also beneath her and she only started dating him after I told her I was engaged, it was her mission as she put it to find a boyfriend.

After she started cutting down BM B in front of me and our other friends I had to give her an ultimatium that either she was going to get along with BM B and be pleasant for me on my day or she couldn't be in my bridal party. She was quite snarky in her response that, 'that may or may not happen'. I told her that she must not really care about our friendship if she couldn't even be civil toward BM B for my sake.

I still love BM A and wish her the best but I haven't heard from her in quite a while and I don't think I will until she and her boyfriend end their relationship. Either way she won't be a BM in my wedding.