Bridesmaid Trouble

Heater2010

I asked one of my very good college friends to be a bridesmaid and she seemed excited to be a part of the wedding.  However, since then I've had a horrible time getting her to talk to me.  I practically had to beg her to go with us to try on dresses and get her input on styles she and the other girls liked.  After that she hasn't spoken to me at all or responded to any of my emails or phone calls whether it's info on the dress they'll be wearing or even just as friends. 

When I sent her the email that told everyone which dress I finally decided on and she didn't respond, I asked her if she was even interested in being a part of the bridal party anymore.  She said oh yeah, but I'm at a loss on what to do when she won't go get measured or anything else.  My fiance said to just order the dresses when I'm ready and if she doesn't tell me her measurements by then by default she's just not in it anymore.  I understand I should ask her what's bothering her, but what do you do when she won't even respond?  I don't know if I said or did anything, but I can't even try to find out.

bablingbrooke

Have you tried calling her about anything other than the wedding?  It sounds like that's the only reason you call her lately.  From what you wrote it sounds like she's going through something and you haven't noticed.  I'd call her, leave her a VM saying that you're sorry you've been so wrapped up in the wedding and you're sorry for hassling her about the dress (because really, you were) and that you'd love to just get together with her, no wedding talk, and catch up.  I'll bet you anything she calls you back.

And seriously, chill out.  You're flipping out about a dress.  You shouldn't be placing the order.  Give the info to the BMs and let them order it.  Whoever fails to have a dress by the wedding day has taken herself out.  And asking her if she still wanted to be a BM was unfair--it put her on the spot and sent a clear message (intentional or otherwise on your part) that you don't really want her in the wedding anymore.  I might not return your calls either.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-trouble-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:98aacb6a-6c2f-4ee0-ad41-c949ba35b6a5Post:963f933f-0051-4716-bf32-9e934ced9817">Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked one of my very good college friends to be a bridesmaid and she seemed excited to be a part of the wedding.  However, since then I've had a horrible time getting her to talk to me.  I practically had to beg her to go with us to try on dresses and get her input on styles she and the other girls liked.  After that she hasn't spoken to me at all or responded to any of my emails or phone calls whether it's info on the dress they'll be wearing or even just as friends.  When I sent her the email that told everyone which dress I finally decided on and she didn't respond, I asked her if she was even interested in being a part of the bridal party anymore.  She said oh yeah, but I'm at a loss on what to do when she won't go get measured or anything else.  My fiance said to just order the dresses when I'm ready and if she doesn't tell me her measurements by then by default she's just not in it anymore.  I understand I should ask her what's bothering her, but what do you do when she won't even respond?  I don't know if I said or did anything, but I can't even try to find out.
Posted by Heater2010[/QUOTE]

saxy414

You've tried to contact her without ANY mention of the wedding?  Just a "hey friend, what's up?"  Really?

If you've let her know which dress, it's up to her to get it ordered.  If the dress is in her budget (hopefully you asked?) and she doesn't have any major objections to it, she's an adult and you should trust her to get it done.  If she doesn't, then she's removed herself from the wedding party. 

I just reread--Are you ordering them because you're paying for them?

Mrs.B6302007

Word to the wise, in future discussions, don't say anything even remotely close to 'are you still interested in being in the WP" b/c it could completely backfire on you. Stay away from any conversation that could be interpreted by her as you asking her to step down. 

BMs aren't required to go shopping although it's nice if they can.  They're not required to give input to style and such although it's nice if they can.  If you ask for their budget, and you find a dress that you like and fits ALL of their budgets, give them the information and the date by which they need to order.  If someone doesn't take care of it, she has removed herself from the WP.

bablingbrooke

Don't place the orders.  I don't care how many of your other friends have done it, that's micromanaging your BMs and isn't appropriate.  So long as they all have the dress for the wedding, it doesn't matter how long before the wedding they come in.  Just let her order it at her own pace.  That allows her to pay when it's a good time for her.

I personally find it really hard to believe that this girl, for absolutely no reason, has stopped speaking to you.  I've seen stories exactly like yours 100 times on this board.  It is never that simple and more often than not, both parties contributed to it.  Many times the bride thinks she's not talking about the wedding all the time, but in reality she's talking about it all the time.  It's very easy to get caught up in it and talk about the wedding more than you realize, so I'd place a moratorium on wedding talk for a little while.  Then I'd look back at the past few months at your behaviour and hers: Have you been hassling her about other wedding things?  Has she stopped talking to mutual friends, or just you?  Has she gone through some sort of upheaval (breakup, job loss, health problem, family problem) that you were aware of? 

Leave the wedding completely out of the friendship for awhile and try to reconnect.  For whatever reason she hasn't felt very close to you lately and you need to do your part to try to remedy that.

Mrs.B6302007

OH, and July 2011?  Please don't start harassing your BMs about dresses yet.  You have plenty of time.

bablingbrooke

July 2011?  No wonder she won't get measured.  She still has time to get pregnant or gain or lose a significant amount of weight.  Who in their right mind orders a dress 10 months in advance?  The dress will collect dust in the closet for almost a year if she orders now.  Dress shopping should be completely off the table until January at the earliest.

Mrs.B6302007

Oh, and is this girl currently single?  Being in weddings can be difficult on women who are single which could explain some of the distancing.  It's like having to go to a baby shower when you're dealing with infertility.

saxy414

Could you tell her that you will be ordering the dresses on X date? If you've gotten her measurements, you'll order hers as well.  Otherwise, you'll give her all the info she needs to order it herself. 

Also, if you talked about the prices and everything in a group, she may have just gone along with it so she wasn't the only one disagreeing with a certain price point. That doesn't make it right that she's ignoring you now, but I could see how she would be upset about that. 

I'd stll go with Brooke's suggestion of calling her, and asking how she's doing, you'd love to catch up, etc. 

If you feel like you've been growing apart for awhile (like you suggested at the end of your follow up post), you could talk about whether the friendship should be continued.  If your friendship ends, then the BM issue takes care of itself.

Edit--a lot of posts happened while I was taking my time responding.  Nevermind what I wrote, I ditto them.     

Manwaithiel

Heater.

You are not getting married until over a month after me. My girls are not even sure which dress they're going to get. Let alone getting measured for it.

And don't listen to bridal salons when they say "Oh...that style could be discontinued," or anything of the sort. Simply ask what the "drop dead" date (the very last day they can order the dress without paying rush for it) is for the dress, let her know what it is, mention how much the rush fee would be after that and then shut up about it.

You keep making thsi about your wedding. About whether she wants to participate or if she's interested in participating or what not. It's most likely not about your wedding so stop making it such. Just keep doing what you're doing. Mention that you're worried, but please stop wondering about the wedding participation thing. If she says she is no longer interested in being friends, then it goes without saying that she's not in the wedding.

I have a "friend" who is not really a friend anymore and makes absolutely no effort in our friendship at all. After several attempts to reach out, I simply gave up. I asked her to be in my wedding party before all that happened, but as she has not really made any advance of friendship to me yet, I'm assuming she's not in it for the mere reason that we are not friends. If she makes an effort later, I'll ask her, if it's appropriate, if she's still interested.

Keep this a friendship issue. It doesn't become a "wedding" issue until your wedding day.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-trouble-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:98aacb6a-6c2f-4ee0-ad41-c949ba35b6a5Post:52c5711e-a971-4686-8e6e-08bc9415b909">Re: Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]First, I'm not freaking out about a dress.  I just don't know what to do with someone I consider a dear friend who suddenly has gone MIA.  It has nothing to do with the dress, just whether I should try to ask if she wants to participate in anything or just assume she's not interested. And forgive me for not mentioning a crucial part.  I have called/emailed her about random things like we used to talk about...like TV shows or people we saw recently--not a mention about the wedding.  I honestly haven't even been constantly working on the wedding myself because I'm not having a big wedding that requires a lot of stuff to do except the basic traditional stuff, but my real question is, if she still doesn't respond to me then do I just assume she doesn't want to be a part of it anymore or do I "hassle" her to find out what's on her mind with it.  Like I said, I can't get her to respond to me just calling about random things.  She won't even go for coffee with me--something we did all the time. And a friend of mine recently married placed the orders to make it easier for others since everyone was so spread out.  I'm only trying to make everything easier for everyone and make sure nothing gets mixed up since I've been in enough weddings where a lot of headaches have happened for the bride.  Well before we even started shopping I conversed with everyone what was okay and not okay with styles and prices and she was fine with it.  Granted her attitude had slowly started changing before I was even engaged, but it seems it's just going downhill fast and it does concern me. 
Posted by Heater2010[/QUOTE]

heyimbren

If your wedding isn't until July, you really don't need to be worry about this now. She honestly still has a good 4 months until she needs to look at ordering it and getting measured.

There is no reason for you to need these dresses now. None. Don't say there is, because there isn't. When it does come time to get the dresses, if she still doesn't have the BM dress by the wedding day, then she's removed herself from the WP. But you don't do anything about that.

I would guess that she has something going on in her life right now. Be patient with her, but leave the dress stuff alone for a few months.

TheCranberry

I would just stop talking to her about wedding related stuff and continue making the normal overtures that you did before you were engaged.  If she still doesn't respond, let her know that you miss her and want to catch up and want to be there for her if something is going on.  If she STILL doesn't respond, you may have to let her go as a friend.  Sometimes people grow apart or maybe she is going through something big.  You mentioned that this started before you got engaged.

With respect to the dress, if you really want to order the dresses for them, just send an email to everyone asking for the info you need and let them know you need it by X date or you can't order the dress.  If she doesn't get back to you by then, just order the dresses.  She may come through at the last minute and have to figure something out or she may just fade away.  Good luck.

pinkfleurdelys

my sister is the bride, not me, and i am a bridesmaid.  this is her second wedding, but even for her first, she's not a detail person, or a planner.  i am, so she left it to me!

that said, her wedding is in may 2011, and we've already picked our dresses.  i'm a plus size girl, and i can't wear strapless or halter, and in her last wedding i looked like a beached whale, i felt like i ruined her wedding pics.  so it was extremely important to her and to me that we found something i would look nice in and be comfortable in, we started early.  and the company we're buying them from requires all dresses to be ordered on one form, so the bride has to round them all up.  (there's only two of us though) 


ALL OF THIS ASIDE...you gotta chill out, or all your girls are going to disapper!  you have no clue what else is going on in her life, and your one chance to find out you wasted by emailing and asking her if she still wants to be in the wedding or not.  you could have emailed her and said, you've been distant, and i'm concerned, please tell me what's going on, can we talk...but that is not what you said.  no one cares as much about your wedding as you do, and while i understand it's the most important day in your life right now, it's only that important to you.  not your friends.  and it may not be your last.  keep this in mind.