What is really normal?

pisha82

So I had never heard till reading here that giving gifts that your bridesmaids use at the wedding is rude. For example you give them jewlery but then want them to wear it that day. Or that you cant tell them what shoes to wear or what to wear with there dress. If you do you have to pay for it. I had no idea. It is ALWAYS done here. You the bride pick the dresses, you tell then what shoes, you tell them if you want them to buy a wrap or a bag or whatever else. You then as a gift buy them jewlery to wear that day. You also CAN tell then how to do their hair and makeup and not pay for it. Its expected when you become a bridesmaid you do what the bride wants. Its also expected all the bridesmaids host the shower. Now both my family, and the families my family married into does it like this. My Fi's family does too. My SIL's already asked me how I want their hair, what shoes do I want then to wear, what else do they need to buy for their dress. What jewlery am I getting them. So I know its not just me who assumes this is the norm. Is this a regional thing? Does anyone else do things the way we do? We have a family wedding in a few weeks and its being done this way also. So is it really just us and the people we marry? For the record though, please dont attack me I am just asking, and I am NOT doing things this way. I am paying for my bridesmaids hair and makeup, and also allowing them to deside how they want it done. I am not telling them how I want it. I am letting them pick whatever shoes they want, not telling them they have to get something. And I have no idea what I am doing for gifts. I have time to fiquire it out. But are we really alone in doing things the way I described above?

aragx6

I have known a few people who treated their BMs like little slaves, but it's definitely not common in my circle. I have gotten jewelry as a gift to be worn at the wedding, but it was also in tandem with other gifts just for me (like a personalized wine glass and a cosmetic bag). I've never been asked to buy specific shoes or have my hair done a specific weay unless they were paid for by the bride.

Edit: I will say that it's typically expected that the BMs will host the shower unless there's a reason they can't.

Summer2011Bride

The weddings I've been in, the bride didn't treat us that way. They all let us pick our own hair, jewelry, shoes, whatever and I enjoyed that. That's how I did things too with my BM. IMO, I don't like when all the BMs look like clones of one another with the exact same hair, makeup, dress, shoes, jewelry, anyway, so I wanted to actually steer clear of that.

I have known of people (friends or aquaintances whose weddings we attended but I wasn't a BM) who were ridiculously bridezilla-ish about that stuff. One bride made a BM who had gotten a tan line on her shoulders go to a tanning bed the week leading up to her wedding. Good thing I wasn't a BM because I had a HUGE racerback tan line on my back for my own wedding! I went biking the week before and didn't even think a thing of it, then got a horrendous tan line. Oh well. You can see it in some reception pics, but it gives me a good story to tell.

Simply Fated

I didn't know some of these things until I came here, either. I knew some of it rubbed me the wrong way and now that I've talked to other girls and heard (read) their points of views I understand now why some things seemed off to me.

As Kat says in 10 Things I Hate About You:
"Define normal."

Another quote, this one by Albert Einstein:
“What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right.”

So while it's true that some things are "just done that way in some areas/circle" it doesn't mean it SHOULD be done that way.
You (the general you, not you specifically) needs to decide what you want to do and own it. One of my newest pet peeves since I started coming here is that using an excuse, like, "Well, it's tradition" or "That's just how my family does things" are just that... an excuse. No one is holding gun to your head to have even sides in your bridal party or make your girls' shoes match. People follow these "norms" for one of two reasons.
First reason: They're afraid of being different because they don't want to look "weird" in front of their family. If the shoes don't match, omg what will Auntie Millie say?
Second reason: They like it. They like to have their girls wear matching earrings and matching hairstyles.

I'm fine with both of those reasons, as long as the bride owns up to it.

It's totally "normal" in my circle/area to give jewelry as bridal party gifts AND enforce the girls to wear them the day of the wedding. We gripe and complain behind the bride's back. That's important to remember. It's rude to turn down a gift or say you don't like it, so for every bride that says, "My girls loved the jewelry I got them," I say BS. They're just being polite and not telling you they didn't like the gift you got them. Instead, they're being rude and talking about your crappy taste in jewelry behind your back.

Because of my experience, I won't be giving jewelry as my gift or, if I do, I won't tell them when they have to wear them. Not ever girl sees it this way. Mostly they think, "Well, I wore the jewelry, so of course I'm going to make my bridal party girls wear the jewelry. That's just the way things are!" It's that way of thinking that needs to be demolished. The whole "do unto others" thing just doesn't seem to exist in the bridal world.

Zonkaghoop

I have been a bridesmaid in 3 weddings- the 1st time the bride didn't care how we had our hair or makeup and told us to wear any black shoes, but our gift was the necklace and earrings that matched our bridesmaid dresses to wear in her wedding. I haven't worn them since.

The 2nd time, the bride told us how to style our hair- luckily it was pretty easy and did not require a trip to the hair salon, and she bought our shoes for us since she wanted a specific shoe, but her gift to us was a pearl necklace to wear with the bridesmaid dress in her wedding. Again I haven't ever worn this necklace again.

And the most recent time I was a bridesmaid (2 months ago), the bride wanted our hair a certain style so she paid for us to get it done, she paid for our makeup to be done, she wanted us to have mani/pedis so she paid for that, she bought the shoes she wanted us to wear and her gift was a bag full of fun stuff we could actually use and had nothing to do with her wedding.

I dont know if its really a regional thing..I think it just depends on the bride and what she has heard/seen from her friends and family.

Eliz77

I really truly believe the topic of WP gifts are best left up to what you feel is apporpriate, not what you read on forums. If you are that close to the people in the WP that you asked them to stand besides you on the big day,  you certainly can figure out what they would like to get as gifts. I have been in four weddings, three times we got jewelry as gifts, the fourth time was a spa day. One of the girls provided our shoes since she wanted them to match the dresses. Another gave picture frames and sent us a wedding party picture afterwards-that was 10 years ago and I still have that picture in that frame. I still have the jewelry from 2 weddings that I wear on occassion. I never once thought the gifts I received was in appropriate or rude or inpersonal or grabage worthy. Just like I have Christmas gifts from Aunt Susie that I wouldn't have bought myself, I still appreciate she got me a gift.

Personally, I think if you are going to INSIST on a specific shoe or hairstyle or demand nails/toes are done, then you should pay for them. I picked a dress I felt was very flattering to all my girls and was within budget everyone agreed was fine. I asked for a silver or gray shoe, anything goes. I set up an appointment with a hairstylist and left it up to them if they'd like hair done. And yes, I am giving a necklace to each girl that I made. I have other gifts, too, but I'm excited that the ONE DIY project I did for this wedding was for them and I think they'll like it.

I think this forum is great to bounce ideas around and ask for advice, but there are defintely certain topics you need to stop and think over how it will work in your circle of friends/family. I made myself crazy the first couple of weeks on here over various things! But overall, I've walked away with learning SO much and I think (hope!) my wedding Saturday goes off without issue! 

runpipparun

I think it's a circle thing as well. Within my circle of liberal friends from college, laidback potluck weddings are common where people use Evite, have their dresses made by a historical costumer, discourage gifts (because people are generally decently wealthy and have everything they need), and all that guests are expected to bring is some sort of gluten-free vegetarian dish and their dance shoes for waltz, polka, and swing dancing. Nobody side-eyes that. But I have other circles of friends from college who have more traditional weddings, though nothing bridezilla-worthy.

Edit: Yes, it's odd. I realize.

pisha82

   For me, personally?  I think it's silly to require someone to wear a specific dress and make them pay for it.  Especially since most dresses won't be worn again.  I actually paid for my MOH's dress just b/c I didn't want her to be out the money.  I just don't get why other people would need to spend money to be in my wedding.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]
First sorry about the paragraphs,. Ill try to remember next time.

I agree with what you said above. How is making them buy shoes or jewlery any different then picking out a dress and making them wear that and making them pay for it? I dont get it. I think that is why I posted on here, why is ok to make them buy a dress but nothing else? I just dont get the whole thing. I dont get why making them buy shoes is rude, but not the dress? Really its the same thing! And it is really a pain as a bridesmaid to pay a ton of money for something you'll never wear again! Of course ill do it for my friends and family and I dont mind at all bc I love them and it makes them happy. Even the shoes and hair, its their day if it makes them happy then its worth it.

As for having rude friends and family, I dont think its that, bc even friends of friends have done the same thing, so its everyone. And not everyone I know does this, but it isnt considered rude if you do.
And I will stress again I am not doing any of the thngs I listed above. I am not acting like that.

Simply Fated

I don't think the friends are being intentionally rude, they just don't know any better. It's like when a kid chews with their mouth open and his parent doesn't tell him to knock it off. He'll just keep doing it.
People are aware it sucks. "Ugh, I can't believe I have to wear this hideous jewelry..." but since that's what's expected, they don't know any other way. And they'll do it to their bridal party someday. It's like a rite of passage for some ladies.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-is-really-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:995d2322-b187-434e-9987-fab14ef564e4Post:c0f2b465-e308-4aa9-a1e8-0e67d84fe88e">Re: What is really normal?</a>:
[QUOTE] First sorry about the paragraphs,. Ill try to remember next time. I agree with what you said above. How is making them buy shoes or jewlery any different then picking out a dress and making them wear that and making them pay for it? I dont get it. I think that is why I posted on here, why is ok to make them buy a dress but nothing else? <strong>I just dont get the whole thing. I dont get why making them buy shoes is rude, but not the dress? </strong>Really its the same thing! <strong>And it is really a pain as a bridesmaid to pay a ton of money for something you'll never wear again! </strong>Of course ill do it for my friends and family and I dont mind at all bc I love them and it makes them happy. Even the shoes and hair, its their day if it makes them happy then its worth it. As for having rude friends and family, I dont think its that, bc even friends of friends have done the same thing, so its everyone. And not everyone I know does this, but it isnt considered rude if you do. And I will stress again I am not doing any of the thngs I listed above. I am not acting like that.
Posted by pisha82[/QUOTE]

<div>And this is why I'm asking my bridesmaids and one groomsmaid to pick out their own dresses that they WILL wear again, or to wear something that they already own. My FSIL is working as a writer's asst on a show in LA. I have a girl friend who almost never wears dresses. I have another friend who is getting a MA in ceramics. And my FI's friend is an underpaid equine vet.</div><div>
</div><div>Why would I ask these women to buy a dress, expensive or not, that they would get no utility out of? I care about these women. I would rather they wear something they can afford and that they know they'll wear again. That's more important that uniformity in photos, and I trust that they'll all be dressed appropriately.</div><div>
</div><div>Edited to fix quote issue.</div>

GoodLuckBear14

Here's the evolution of my career as a BM.  The first wedding, I was required to buy a dress none of us had any input in, got the jewelry that I wore as a gift, paid for my own professional hair and makeup (that i didn't want, esp. since I had to redo my hair because stylists never know how to work with naturally curly hair) was told by the MOH what my contribution to the shower and B-party would be and had to pay for my own shoes that had to be custom dyed.  The bride and I were 22 and she was reading all kinds of magazines about what a WP's duties were.  Not much has changed on their take on this.  I was in college, paying my own tuition and didn't have two nickels to rub together but put about $700 on a credit card because i thought that was what was expected.

The last wedding I was in, the bride listened to her WP regarding dresses, told us to pick a shoe out of our closet, she didn't care how we did hair or makeup, the MOH got budgets from us for showers and the b-party and my gift was a Borders gift card. I was 31.

For my wedding, I told my MOH (the only one on my side of the WP) to pick out any red dress she wanted to wear and I treated her the same as I was treated in the most recent wedding and got her a set of martini glasses because she and my brother forgot to register for "fun" drinkware when they married (DH gave my brother Best Man beer mugs).  I was 36.

A month ago I heard two morning DJs getting into this on air.  One was convinced "you know what you are getting into when you agree to be in w WP" and the other was telling her that is all BS.  From past listening, I know that the first DJ is in her early 20s and the other is in her late 30s.  I think a lot of how people view this depends on age more than region.  The older you get you realize the bills that come up every month and that people may not be able to pay for everything you want them to do for your wedding.

littleluckypenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-is-really-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:995d2322-b187-434e-9987-fab14ef564e4Post:45d4d3f5-9442-4ab6-a062-02abb402d1be">Re: What is really normal?</a>:
[QUOTE] IMO, I don't like when all the BMs look like clones of one another with the exact same hair, makeup, dress, shoes, jewelry, anyway, so I wanted to actually steer clear of that. Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<strong>This exactly.</strong>  All my bridesmaids had a different dress, hair, shoes, etc.  I only asked them to have a dress in a certain color and length.

I also bought my bridesmaids jewelry (well, all but the one who doesn't wear jewelry) as their gift, but that's only because we all have the same taste in accessories (we always borrow each other's jewelry) and I even bought a pair for myself because I loved them so much; I knew they would like them too.  But I made sure to give them their gifts <strong><em>after</em></strong> the wedding so it didn't look like I expected them to wear it for the wedding.

littleluckypenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-is-really-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:995d2322-b187-434e-9987-fab14ef564e4Post:8c646ee1-9955-4189-8782-41a8e69852eb">Re: What is really normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been a BM 9 times.  Of those 9 times, I have only had my hair, makeup, jewelry, exact shoes dictated to me twice.  The first time, the bride was so awful in other ways  that I ended up dropping out of the wedding 2 hours before the ceremony.  Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Stage,

Can I hear the story?  How did she take it?

rsanna

The few weddings I have seen have the BMs all in matching dresses and looking all fancy.  However, a photographer friend just put up some wedding pictures and the BMs in that all had different dresses, but they were all some form of yellow. 

Personally, I like the latter, but that is just because the fancy matching dresses are just not my style.  It is way to hard to find one dress that looks great on everyone and fits into their budget. For that reason, I am having my BMs pick any dress they want that is close to a color I'm giving them and it can be in any length or style or fabric that they want. I wouldn't even dream of gifting them jewelry because I know two of the girls have some metal allergies, but I can't remember what exactly they are allergic to so I refuse to take any chances. The way I see it, they are adults and know how to dress and look nice within their budget.

pkontk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-is-really-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:995d2322-b187-434e-9987-fab14ef564e4Post:c0f2b465-e308-4aa9-a1e8-0e67d84fe88e">Re: What is really normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]   For me, personally?  I think it's silly to require someone to wear a specific dress and make them pay for it.  Especially since most dresses won't be worn again.  I actually paid for my MOH's dress just b/c I didn't want her to be out the money.  I just don't get why other people would need to spend money to be in my wedding. Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE] First sorry about the paragraphs,. Ill try to remember next time. I agree with what you said above. How is making them buy shoes or jewlery any different then picking out a dress and making them wear that and making them pay for it? I dont get it. I think that is why I posted on here, why is ok to make them buy a dress but nothing else? I just dont get the whole thing.<strong> I dont get why making them buy shoes is rude, but not the dress? Really its the same thing! </strong>And it is really a pain as a bridesmaid to pay a ton of money for something you'll never wear again! Of course ill do it for my friends and family and I dont mind at all bc I love them and it makes them happy. Even the shoes and hair, its their day if it makes them happy then its worth it. As for having rude friends and family, I dont think its that, bc even friends of friends have done the same thing, so its everyone. And not everyone I know does this, but it isnt considered rude if you do. And I will stress again I am not doing any of the thngs I listed above. I am not acting like that.
Posted by pisha82[/QUOTE]

Its not the same thing.  It is asking them to pay more money than they already spent on the dress.  Additionally, people notice dresses much more than they notice shoes.  So if every bridesmaid arrived in the same dress except one, that would be a lot more noticeable.  I'm not saying its right, and I asked my bridesmaids to wear little black cocktail dresses that they may or may not own, and nice black shoes (heel, flat, strappy sandal, whatever.)  I also just finised being in a wedding where the bride and I had a falling out over me getting my hair professionally done.  I sucked it up and did it, because I knew I wouldn't be welcome in the BP if I didn't, and I didn't want to end the friendship.

jemmini6

I always figured how you treat your BMs should be common sense.  You know, treat others how you want to be treated and all?  I know I'd be pissed off if someone expected me to spend hundreds of dollars just to be in their wedding, so why on earth would I expect that of others for my wedding?  It still shocks me to read these boards sometimes and see how brainwashed people have gotten by wedding magazines and rude 'traditions' in their circles.  I just don't understand why it turned from being a way for you to honor your friends into a way for you to make your friends your slaves and tell them how to spend their money.

Sure, I think a lot of people just do what everyone else before them did just because they don't know any better, but that's the point of this site...to teach you to know better.  Granted, not every 'rule' applies to every situation, but for the most part, a lot of it is just respecting the people who are supposed to be closest to you.  Forcing them to spend so much money on YOUR wedding doesn't sound like that much of an honor....

meganb1977

Ditto GoodLuckBear.  I think there's a whole range of what's "normal" because there are so many people doing so many different things.  But I think matching dresses and the jewelry to wear on the day of is more "old school" and getting personal or non-wedding-related gifts is more "new school."

saric83

I feel like part of it might be regional, but part of it might be age too.  I've been in 10+ weddings, and when we were younger in our early 20's, it seemed totally "normal" that we all paid for shoes along with our dresses, and the gifts were typically jewelry (none of which I have ever worn again!)

But now as we're in our late 20's, we've all been in and attended a ton of weddings and aren't caught up in the traditional crap fed to us from the wedding industry, it's definitely not like that anymore since everyone realizes how ridiculous and non-unique it truly is to have everything so matchy-matchy. 

mcskatcat

Long before I read anything I TK, I felt that being a BM was more of an honor than a chore.  When I got married, I only had one BM nearby and everyone else was all over the place, so I never thought it would be something where I was needing their help.  Similarly, my mom insisted on paying for their attire because that's what they did (in her group) back in the day.  And that I agree with.  We spent more on our WP's attire than we did on my dress, and I'd do it again because I can't really imagine making someone shell out for a dress.  Similarly, I told them to get whatever shoes and that if they wanted their hair done, it was at ___ and it cost ____. 

Those of us who have done it can tell you that you can make room in your budget for it if you really want to.  I don't even know what I "gave up" - I was able to pay for the wp's attire without really losing anything.

 It should be an easy gig.  And yes, everyone should be able to look their best.  I think it's really in poor character when a bride is more concerned with everyone's hair being the same rather than how their BMs prefer to look.  

In the end, it should be about honoring the friendship.  What kind of friend says "Suck it up, it's for my big day!"?  It's just a foreign concept to me.  I want to treat my friends nicely whether it be my wedding day or any other day.  

littleluckypenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-is-really-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:995d2322-b187-434e-9987-fab14ef564e4Post:5b81e013-d1b7-4ad7-bd94-9c0020e60553">Re:What is really normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:What is really normal?: Well, the whole thing was kind of a nightmare. Bride dictated what she wanted for her shower 30 people at a VERY fancy, and expensive, little tea house and her Bach party pole dancing lessons at 45 a person, bar hopping, and the presidential suite at the local Hilton with a private stripper, and us 4 BMs arranged and paid for it all, even though we were mostly in college and broke. She also picked out a dress which was luckily within all our budgets we hadnt been asked and wasn't too awful, but then wanted us to have major alterations to it removing sleeves, changing length, etc and all buy apple red shoes, as well as have her MUA and hairdresser do our hair. I alone declined on the last two, and she got pissed but agreed. But the laaaaaast straw was when we got back to her house the day of the wedding after hair/makeup appointments. She gave us our "gifts" which were tank tops that said "Team Bride's name" and little boycott undies that had "nicknames" for us bedazzled across the ass. She'd seen some cute photos of BMs flashing matching panties and thought photos of us all getting ready in these and the tank tops would be even cuter. Her panties were white and said "the married one" in blue. Ours were lime green or hot pink and the nicknames on them were "the sweet one", "the ditzy one", "the btchy one" mine, and "the slutty one" her sister. We all balked at wearing them and she started crying and talking about it was HER DAY and we were RUINING it. I walked right then and there, "ditzy" left as soon as the ceremony was over and ended the friendship when the bride returned from her honeymoon. And her sister didn't speak to her for 3 months after the photos ended up on her HS bulletin board via MySpace. That was the last time I EVER let a bride pressure me into stuff because it was "their" day.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Wow. Just wow.

Ali092011

Stage... that story is horrible. What an incredibly selfish and terrible person that bride was!

Did she ever apologize or try to contact you about it?

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-is-really-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:995d2322-b187-434e-9987-fab14ef564e4Post:5b81e013-d1b7-4ad7-bd94-9c0020e60553">Re:What is really normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:What is really normal?: Well, the whole thing was kind of a nightmare. Bride dictated what she wanted for her shower 30 people at a VERY fancy, and expensive, little tea house and her Bach party pole dancing lessons at 45 a person, bar hopping, and the presidential suite at the local Hilton with a private stripper, and us 4 BMs arranged and paid for it all, even though we were mostly in college and broke. She also picked out a dress which was luckily within all our budgets we hadnt been asked and wasn't too awful, but then wanted us to have major alterations to it removing sleeves, changing length, etc and all buy apple red shoes, as well as have her MUA and hairdresser do our hair. I alone declined on the last two, and she got pissed but agreed. But the laaaaaast straw was when we got back to her house the day of the wedding after hair/makeup appointments. She gave us our "gifts" which were tank tops that said "Team Bride's name" and little boycott undies that had "nicknames" for us bedazzled across the ass. She'd seen some cute photos of BMs flashing matching panties and thought photos of us all getting ready in these and the tank tops would be even cuter. Her panties were white and said "the married one" in blue. Ours were lime green or hot pink and the nicknames on them were "the sweet one", "the ditzy one", "the btchy one" mine, and "the slutty one" her sister. We all balked at wearing them and she started crying and talking about it was HER DAY and we were RUINING it. I walked right then and there, "ditzy" left as soon as the ceremony was over and ended the friendship when the bride returned from her honeymoon. And her sister didn't speak to her for 3 months after the photos ended up on her HS bulletin board via MySpace. That was the last time I EVER let a bride pressure me into stuff because it was "their" day.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

omg. that is crazytrain.

Simply Fated

Holy crazy, stage! Good for you for walking!

MJheartsWeddings

I feel like this is also the norm in my circle.. I have been in two weddings. One where we chose are own hair and shoes.. The other where the bride picked hair and shoes.  I didn't mind one way or the other.. And didn't feel as though my friend was acting like 'bridezilla'. Both weddings I received jewelry and was truly thankful.. Both gifts were something I could wear again..  My Mom who got married back in 1978 also gave her bridesmaids jewelry... 

I plan on asking my girls to wear silver shoes of their choosing, wear their hair in an updo also of their own choosing, and give them jewelry along with other gifts that are more personalized... 

msuprincess04

The only thing I have to add to this is that I'm convinced brides generally just see it as "well, since the BM/GM didn't have to pay for it, it's a gift." But it shouldn't be the gift, or shouldn't stand in the place of a heartfelt "thank you" note. The point of the gift/thank you is to recognize what they did, took time out of their day to help make your day special. Not help make your pictures pretty by wearing all matching stuff.

I had to sit through a co-worker last week telling me that she got her groomsmen their shirts for their gift. But the shirts are bright purple to be worn under grey suits. Want to guess how many of those boys will wear them again? None. How does giving them something you know they won't ever use again really appreciating their time and effort they gave to you. It doesn't. Of course, I bit my tounge. I won't tell someone what they can and can't do at their wedding. Unless it's a good friend, and she's not. So, I smile, nod, and secretly think she's cheap.

rlavach

I personally feel that the behavior you’re talking about OP, where the bride has an entitlement to tell everyone what to do, is on its way out. I feel like this is the way it used to be, but now with the ‘rules’ of weddings loosening up, people are finally starting to see that they don’t need to be told what to do like that. I was only in 1 wedding before and while she did give us jewelry to wear (that was ugly), she let us pick out what dress we agreed on, what style shoe we wanted & our hair. So she wasn’t too bad.

 

Then again, I don’t think shows like Bridezillas does anything for women who think they can rule others. 

pkontk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-is-really-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:995d2322-b187-434e-9987-fab14ef564e4Post:a3f35366-3b0c-4930-88db-fe7f62cb63e6">Re: What is really normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally feel that the behavior you’re talking about OP, where the bride has an entitlement to tell everyone what to do, is on its way out. I feel like this is the way it used to be, but now with the ‘rules’ of weddings loosening up, people are finally starting to see that they don’t need to be told what to do like that. I was only in 1 wedding before and while she did give us jewelry to wear (that was ugly), she let us pick out what dress we agreed on, what style shoe we wanted & our hair. So she wasn’t too bad.   Then again, I don’t think shows like Bridezillas does anything for women who think they can rule others. 
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

I do hope you're right, but that hasn't been the case that I have seen.

futuremrscsr

I picked two dresses, let my BM's vote on them (they were both pretty similar looking) and my mom and I paid for them. For the shoes, I found three and asked BM's which one they liked but again my mom and I are paying for them. I also bought each BM a pair of earrings to wear. For hair, I asked them if they would be okay with wearing their hair up since their dress is one shoulder and offered a hairstylist who will be available if they want their hair done- if they didn't it was fine with me but all of them said they would like to use the stylist.  I shelled out way too much money when I was a broke college student for other friends' weddings so I really want my BM's to pay for as little as possible because I understand that the costs add up.

aragx6

Why does everyone say pearls are timeless?

Also, are they real pearls? Because if not, they're certainly not timeless.

Chaylalee

I have been a bridesmaid 6 times. For 5 of the weddings I was told which dress to buy, jewelry given to me to wear, what way they wanted my hair(some brides paid but others didn't) and which shoes to pick. Some brides gave me shoe choices while others picked the exact shoe. Only one wedding was very relaxed and I was given no rules. Also for the gifts they normally including something to wear the day of like jewelry but also a gift I could keep like a bag or wine glass that were different then the guests. One bride even gave us flip-flops to change into after the ceremony. 
My theory is it is the Brides wedding and so long as the requests are details of the wedding I willingly accepted. If she is being crazy and demanding showers, parties, crazy expensive dresses or other things that would make me feel like a slave but other wise I am here to support her on HER big day. The wedding isn't about me it is about her.
For my wedding I am picking a color and the girls will pick the style dress, I have a shoe style and low heel because of our venue, and I will have them have their hair down or mostly down since mine will be up. All of my girls will be coming from out of town so I am not expecting anything from them except showing up dressed, being supportive, and having fun!   

aerinpegadrak

The thing to keep in mind is that these people are your friends and family, and they will be your friends and family long after they're done being bridesmaids, at least as long as you don't treat them like crap.

Even though our wedding was on the formal side, we tried to keep things laid back and pressure free, because I'd been involved in too many weddings where I didn't enjoy anything because everyone was stressing out.  Additionally, I knew that we were all various shades of broke, and I didn't want to make my wedding inconvenient for anyone (well, more inconvenient than the necessity of a destination wedding).

With that in mind, I asked my attendants to wear any black dress of their choosing and to keep the shoes neutral and the jewelry silver.  Since we were pressed for time, I hired a hair and makeup artist and gave them the option of either using her or doing it themselves; they opted to use her for hair but not makeup, and I paid.  I got them gifts with their tastes in mind, and the girls got Scrabble tile necklaces as well that I thought were cute, but stressed were not to wear in the wedding.  The shower and bachelorette party didn't happen because everyone was so scattered, which was a bummer, but that's life.  We also chipped in as necessary to help with attire and travel expenses, because all we really cared about was getting people there.

Bottom line: Yes, they would have likely done anything I asked no matter how crazy, because they love me.  But because I love them, I wouldn't abuse that trust and push them beyond their comfort zones without really good reason (which I think most wedding stuff doesn't qualify for).  Friendship doesn't stop working both ways just because one person decides to throw a party.  Our goal was to have a wedding that everyone, not just the bride and groom, would remember fondly, and we achieved that by making being good friends and good hosts our priority.