What to do with MOH

christineh2011

Well my sister is my MOH and she has extreem anxiety when it comes to getting her picture taken. She has not let anyone take her picture for many years now, it is not a religous belief but a personal preferance.
She has agreed to "suck it up" and stand up for me as long as she can drink before hand.

My sister is a rather dramatic person about things that are not huge issues and I am worried she will let me down when it comes to the day of.

Here is what I am thinking... I want her to be my MOH but is it ok not to have her stand up for us?? and if so can I use her as the person who makes sure the ceremony flows well? I think she will be more comfortable with that, and I know I will. I just dont want to walk down the aisle worried about her and not myself.;


What do you think?

bablingbrooke

She said she would do it.  Trust her to follow through.  If she can't, just roll with it.  Another BM can hold the flowers, etc.  No, you do not need to have a replacement waiting in the wings.  You will just be one person down.

I think the best thing for you to do is to be flexible.  Ideally you won't have to worry about yourself on your wedding day.  Worries are for hard times.  Weddings are happy times.  Therefore no worries involved.

The person who makes the ceremony flow well is called a day of coordinator and is something that you pay someone to do.  You do not give that job to someone with social anxiety--how well do you think she'll handle that? 

Booting her because you're afraid the social anxiety that you already knew about will flare up is really cold-hearted and frankly insensitive.  She's your sister.  Trust her and learn to be flexible.  If you think that everything in marriage will go exactly the way you planned, think again.  So learn to be flexible with the wedding and plan to roll with the punches, if any.  And let the photos be optional for her.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:998c4520-8d60-49bd-a282-081d1180ecbePost:8268bc79-2383-4dcf-8631-1735e7249ec5">What to do with MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Well my sister is my MOH and she has extreem anxiety when it comes to getting her picture taken. She has not let anyone take her picture for many years now, it is not a religous belief but a personal preferance. She has agreed to "suck it up" and stand up for me as long as she can drink before hand. My sister is a rather dramatic person about things that are not huge issues and I am worried she will let me down when it comes to the day of. Here is what I am thinking... I want her to be my MOH but is it ok not to have her stand up for us?? and if so can I use her as the person who makes sure the ceremony flows well? I think she will be more comfortable with that, and I know I will. I just dont want to walk down the aisle worried about her and not myself.; What do you think?
Posted by christineh2011[/QUOTE]

trix1223

Brooke has given you wise advice.  Heed it.

AdeleDazeem

I have some anxiety over one situation that cropped up a few nights ago.  My sister and I had a long talk about it and she said to me, "Yes... you have to get over it.  However, if today is not that day, then that is okay." 

I'd go with this advice.  She says she can do it so trust her to do it.  If she finds the day of that she simply can't, don't throw a fit, be upset, or be dissappointed in her.  Love your sister for her and let her retreat to a more comfortable place.  She's still MOH whether she's standing there next to you or not.

EDIT: oh, and lots of people have random fears or problems that seem irrational to other people.  My fiance and I had this discussion last night.  Something happened that is so NOT a big deal to him (or to most other people), but was such a big freaking deal to me that I ended up crying in a restaurant over it.  He kept saying he understood, but the truth is that he doesn't.  All he needs to understand is that it's a big deal to me, not why.  She doesn't like her picture taken and clearly has some strong reactions to it.  You don't need to understand why or call her "dramatic," just understand that it is a big hurdle for HER and be supportive.

mbcdefg

Here's what you do: she said she'd suck it up, so trust her. In the meantime, try not to knowingly put her in situations where she'll be uncomfortable. Next time you talk to your photographer, just say, "Hey, my sister has some anxiety over being photographed. Can you please hurry along the formal family/bridal party photos when she's in them, and try to be discreet if you're taking candid shots of her? I would really appreciate it." If she bails on the formal portraits, then just go on without her. (And likewise, if you haven't selected a photographer yet, then try to pick a photojournalist who doesn't do a ton of posed shots.)

That's it. That's all you can do. If the wedding day comes and she suddenly decides that she doesn't want to walk down the aisle, or if she needs to sit down rather than stand up, then roll with that and let her do so. It won't ruin your wedding and it won't be a giant attention-grabbing scene unless you turn it into one.

You can't possibly plan for every little thing ahead of time. Realize that there will be instances where you will have to do things on the fly. (I had a limo breakdown, a missing bag of stuff I really needed, guests who bailed out at the last second, and a Father-Daughter dance crasher, and I'm sure other married girls here have similar stories.) But, again, as long as you don't make a big deal out of it then nobody else will know there's a problem.

However, if SHE comes to you and says, "I really think I need to step down as MOH. Maybe I could do something else?" then respect her wishes and talk with her about something else she'd like to do (don't give her a "job" unless she says that she specifically wants to do that job). But if she says she'll try her best to be MOH, then trust her.

mysticl

If she's coordinating the the wedding she is not your MOH anymore.   If she's willing to try for you let her try.  If she has a true anxiety disorder she is making a huge effort for you and that should be aknowledged. 

christineh2011

Here is the thing ladies.

I have made a deal with the photographer about not using pictures of my sister in any of the advertizing... but my sisters reaction isnt that of a normal anxious person she flys into fits of rage and curses at people and has a mean glare and more....

I really dont want a "mean face" in all of my wedding photos also... I can just see her getting half way down the aisle and running away.

She also has a way of making  situations where she is uncomfortable all about her. we frequently have to leave restaurants and public places because she thinks someone took a picture of her or is "staring" at her.


she is a grown woman and I wish I could feel comfortable with just trusting her but there is more to the issue ladies /...

thanks anyway

bablingbrooke

Knowing all of this, why did you ask her to be MOH?  You had to know this would be an issue.  

mysticl

I have to ask the same thing, why did you ask her to be your MOH?

I have worked with alot of people with various mental health/behavioral disorders.  Your description sounds exactly like a person with some type of disorder to me.  Has she ever been evaluated? 

christineh2011

thanks I have made up my mind thank you for your help