Wedding Party

Advice Needed regarding MOH

When I start dating my FH I talked to my friend almost every day.  She would always have drama and be the victim of some sorts.  I have always played into it but now I feel like I have grown out of it at this point.   The friendship had always been one-sided.  I never really talk about my life, she never asks and never speak up because I don’t want to “rub it in” that I am happy.  I got engaged in July and I honestly feel like she is not happy for me and is jealous.  She started dating this guy in January and their relationship is like a roller coaster with so many ups and downs and so much drama.   Without going into tons of detail he is a loser, doesn’t work, is very controlling, went on a trip with a girl after they were dating 3 months, etc. I feel like she sticks with him to have someone.  We rarely talk anymore and if we do it is me calling her to check and in.  She is very quiet and rarely talks like we used to.  She likes to pretend her relationship is perfect and never says anything is wrong even though she appears to be a completely different and reserved person.  They broke up 2 months ago and she called and spilled her guts!!! She said she missed me and wanted things to go back the way they used to be with us, she said she felt like a bad mom because half the time he is mean to the kids, he is soooo controlling and gives her a very hard time when she talks to her friends, etc.  I told her everything on my mind and then 2 days later they were back together.  We have a girls dinner once a month since July and she has only came once and brought him!! She always makes up excuses and we never talk unless it is all about her and then she says she has to go.  She never called on my birthday which is 3 days after her daughter’s birthday. (I invited myself & my FH over to give her a present &  I know if I forgot her or her kids birthday she would never talk to me again!)  We went dress shopping and she hardly said a word and texted him the entire time.  She even made a comment that she was going to be married before me and they were going to the court house. A couple weeks after that/ about a month ago she went and bought herself a ring and said they are engaged. Even said he proposed on the pier where my FH proposed.  Last week she called and said she is pregnant!!! I was at a loss for words…She has 2 daughters and he has 1.  They are already struggling since he doesn’t work.  I was already considering her not a friend and possibly not having her in the wedding. I don’t feel like I am being a bridezilla I am questioning our friendship as a whole not just her role. I honestly feel like we would NEVER talk if I didn’t call her.   She lives about 10 minutes away and I have seen her less than 10 times since they started dating and 9 of them she was with him. She has clearly chosen him over her friends and doesn’t seem to care that she is not in our lives.   I know I do not want someone in my wedding who is not happy for me, is jealous, not a friend to talk to, and I feel like I may never talk to her again after the wedding. She knows nothing about my life and nothing about the wedding plans. We have just grown apart and are going separate paths in life. Any advice please?

Re: Advice Needed regarding MOH

  • i'm sorry,
    i'm not reading this until you learn about paragraphs.

    that is all.

    oh, but from the first 2 sentences, sounds like you don't want to be her friend anyway if it's one sided.

    so. if you decide to break up the million word paragraph into separate paragraphs, then maybe I'll play, but if not -- you're SOL.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-needed-regarding-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b05ee05-03cc-4339-a9c4-3203c1a5398aPost:0beb61d8-8490-4c7b-8cc2-a9094cd7c84c">Advice Needed regarding MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]When I start dating my FH I talked to my friend almost every day.   She would always have drama and be the victim of some sorts.   I have always played into it but now I feel like I have grown out of it at this point.     The friendship had always been one-sided.   I never really talk about my life, she never asks and never speak up because I don’t want to “rub it in” that I am happy.   I got engaged in July and I honestly feel like she is not happy for me and is jealous.   She started dating this guy in January and their relationship is like a roller coaster with so many ups and downs and so much drama.     Without going into tons of detail he is a loser, doesn’t work, is very controlling, went on a trip with a girl after they were dating 3 months, etc. I feel like she sticks with him to have someone.   We rarely talk anymore and if we do it is me calling her to check and in.   She is very quiet and rarely talks like we used to.   She likes to pretend her relationship is perfect and never says anything is wrong even though she appears to be a completely different and reserved person.   They broke up 2 months ago and she called and spilled her guts!!! She said she missed me and wanted things to go back the way they used to be with us, she said she felt like a bad mom because half the time he is mean to the kids, he is soooo controlling and gives her a very hard time when she talks to her friends, etc.   I told her everything on my mind and then 2 days later they were back together.   We have a girls dinner once a month since July and she has only came once and brought him!! She always makes up excuses and we never talk unless it is all about her and then she says she has to go.   She never called on my birthday which is 3 days after her daughter’s birthday. (I invited myself & my FH over to give her a present &   I know if I forgot her or her kids birthday she would never talk to me again!)   We went dress shopping and she hardly said a word and texted him the entire time.   She even made a comment that she was going to be married before me and they were going to the court house. A couple weeks after that/ about a month ago she went and bought herself a ring and said they are engaged. Even said he proposed on the pier where my FH proposed.   Last week she called and said she is pregnant!!! I was at a loss for words…She has 2 daughters and he has 1.   They are already struggling since he doesn’t work.   I was already considering her not a friend and possibly not having her in the wedding. I don’t feel like I am being a bridezilla I am questioning our friendship as a whole not just her role. I honestly feel like we would NEVER talk if I didn’t call her.    She lives about 10 minutes away and I have seen her less than 10 times since they started dating and 9 of them she was with him. She has clearly chosen him over her friends and doesn’t seem to care that she is not in our lives.    I know I do not want someone in my wedding who is not happy for me, is jealous, not a friend to talk to, and I feel like I may never talk to her again after the wedding. She knows nothing about my life and nothing about the wedding plans. We have just grown apart and are going separate paths in life. Any advice please?
    Posted by Love1209[/QUOTE]
    She needs her friends.  Either right now, or once she's ready to seek help in getting out of that situation.

    That said, if you decide to end the friendship, do so for non-wedding related reasons and do not mention the wedding at all.
  • I'm hearing a lot of "I" and "Me" in this post. It doesn't seem to phase you that your friend seems to be in a controlling realtionship. Drawing away from friends and doing everything with him are the first signs of a controlling or abusive relationship. I would worry about your friend right now, and be a friend. Don't worry about how this is affecting your wedding. It's bigger than that.
    image
  • I think you just need to stop being friends with her.

    Question - why the heck did you make her your MOH?  Seriously, all she ever talks about is herself and for some reason you thought this would be an awesome person to have at your side for your wedding day?  Not the best idea.  
  • Please edit your original post into paragraphs.  You use the enter key to do this.
    image
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2010
    Paragraphs:

    When I start dating my FH I talked to my friend almost every day.   She would always have drama and be the victim of some sorts.   I have always played into it but now I feel like I have grown out of it at this point.    

    The friendship had always been one-sided.   I never really talk about my life, she never asks and never speak up because I don’t want to “rub it in” that I am happy.   I got engaged in July and I honestly feel like she is not happy for me and is jealous.  

    She started dating this guy in January and their relationship is like a roller coaster with so many ups and downs and so much drama.     Without going into tons of detail he is a loser, doesn’t work, is very controlling, went on a trip with a girl after they were dating 3 months, etc. I feel like she sticks with him to have someone.   We rarely talk anymore and if we do it is me calling her to check and in.   She is very quiet and rarely talks like we used to.   She likes to pretend her relationship is perfect and never says anything is wrong even though she appears to be a completely different and reserved person.  

    They broke up 2 months ago and she called and spilled her guts!!! She said she missed me and wanted things to go back the way they used to be with us, she said she felt like a bad mom because half the time he is mean to the kids, he is soooo controlling and gives her a very hard time when she talks to her friends, etc.   I told her everything on my mind and then 2 days later they were back together.  

    We have a girls dinner once a month since July and she has only came once and brought him!! She always makes up excuses and we never talk unless it is all about her and then she says she has to go.   She never called on my birthday which is 3 days after her daughter’s birthday. (I invited myself & my FH over to give her a present &   I know if I forgot her or her kids birthday she would never talk to me again!)   We went dress shopping and she hardly said a word and texted him the entire time.   She even made a comment that she was going to be married before me and they were going to the court house.

    A couple weeks after that/ about a month ago she went and bought herself a ring and said they are engaged. Even said he proposed on the pier where my FH proposed. 

     Last week she called and said she is pregnant!!! I was at a loss for words…She has 2 daughters and he has 1.   They are already struggling since he doesn’t work. 

     I was already considering her not a friend and possibly not having her in the wedding. I don’t feel like I am being a bridezilla I am questioning our friendship as a whole not just her role. I honestly feel like we would NEVER talk if I didn’t call her.    She lives about 10 minutes away and I have seen her less than 10 times since they started dating and 9 of them she was with him. She has clearly chosen him over her friends and doesn’t seem to care that she is not in our lives.    I know I do not want someone in my wedding who is not happy for me, is jealous, not a friend to talk to, and I feel like I may never talk to her again after the wedding. She knows nothing about my life and nothing about the wedding plans. We have just grown apart and are going separate paths in life.

    Any advice please?

    I missed the part where you said you asked her to be a MOH.  You begin by saying you aren't  really friends with this chick and then move on to dress shopping.

    Regardless, if you care for her at all, be her friend.  Your wedding doesn't have much to do with this nonsense.

  • I don't see that you've asked her to be MOH.  And based on how she is, I wouldn't.

    Wait until you're under a  year from the wedding to figure out your WP.  For now, just see if the friendship is worth it.
  • It sounds like you knew she was not a sincerely good friend from the start and you made her your MOH. I would sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart about your friendship. Whether anyone likes it or not, people will get jelous of your happiness, and they will try to steal some spotlight, however, you can not let it get you down. It is now up to you (because you chose her) to do your best to find out what she is dealing with and to try to mend some of the friendship back to health.
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