Wedding Party

Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her.

I'm getting married next week on Saturday, very excited!! I have 2 bridesmaids and my MOH--which is my soon to be sister in law. I've been very close to her for years and considered her a great friend of mine. I would do and have done anything she has ever asked me to do with no questions asked but I feel with all the wedding madness happening, we can't seem to be on the same page.

 Let's start with picking out dresses. I figured I could get my mom and the bridesmaids to meet and help me pick out a dress and have dinner. I knew one of the bridesmaids couldn't come so I figured my mom, the other bridesmaid and the moh would be enough. I set the appointment late for the dress fitting because the moh told me she would get out of work early. I called her the whole day and she never picked up. I didn't talk to her until later that night and she said she couldn't make it because she couldn't get out of work. I wish she could have given me the heads up before.

#2 My fiance and I agreed we wanted the wedding party to be small and we didn't need a flower girl. The day I went to go pick up my dress from the boutique, I take my MOH with me and her 7 year old daughter. On the car drive there, my niece asks me if she can be the flower girl, and I said no. I turned to my MOH and asked her "Did you put her up to this to ask me?' and she slightly shook her head yes. I now have a flower girl that I didn't want in the first place, but since her mom talked to her about how imporant this is, I just can't tell her no.

#3 My bridal shower was a disaster. One of the bridesmaids originally wanted to throw this party for me. I told the MOH and she suddenly got jealous and said she wanted to help because she felt left out. I gave her the phone number for the other bridesmaid to plan and she didn't call her until two weeks before the party. I had given her addresses to mail out invitations the beginning of the month and I found out she didn't send out the invitations until a week before. Long story short, she didn't come ontime to help decorate (I had to decorate for my own bridalshower) and she still had to pick up the food. We agreed there would be no kids at this party, she still brings her 7 year old daughter. I kept getting phone calls that day that said" I'm so sorry I cant make it because I dont have a sitter" and" I didn't get the invite in enough time to plan" . No one came except my mother, the moh, the bridesmaid hosting the shower and my 7 year old niece. I was so angry and embarrased.

#4 My 2 bridesmaids have told me that they have their dress. I text the moh-- she said she will get her dress next week!! And she wants to know how everything is going with decorating the flower girl's basket. I want to tell her don't worry about what I'm doing because I have all of this under control, you need to worry about yourself and get your crap together.

#5 She tries to invite people to the wedding that my fiance and I  don't even know!! When I tell her no, she gets upset. So when it comes to my mother in law asking for invites, she gets defensive and says, " I don't know mom, you need to talk to the bride and groom first because they are really strict about who they invite." I told my fiance to call his mother and let her know she can invite whoever she wants to. It's different in maintaining the relationship with your mother in law then it is with your sister in law.

I really feel like she is blowing a lot of things out of proportion. I haven't really talked to her since the bridal shower. I just feel like the wedding day might be a disaster too.

Re: Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her.

  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-with-moh-issues-tell-me-if-im-wrong-in-being-mad-at-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9c96ee92-82f1-463b-a1c1-a0f5ecb271fePost:9bd5059b-bc05-4854-9393-e60ba0cde69f">Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm getting married next week on Saturday, very excited!! I have 2 bridesmaids and my MOH--which is my soon to be sister in law. I've been very close to her for years and considered her a great friend of mine. I would do and have done anything she has ever asked me to do with no questions asked but I feel with all the wedding madness happening, we can't seem to be on the same page.  Let's start with picking out dresses. I figured I could get my mom and the bridesmaids to meet and help me pick out a dress and have dinner. I knew one of the bridesmaids couldn't come so I figured my mom, the other bridesmaid and the moh would be enough. I set the appointment late for the dress fitting because the moh told me she would get out of work early. I called her the whole day and she never picked up. I didn't talk to her until later that night and she said she couldn't make it because she couldn't get out of work. I wish she could have given me the heads up before. #2 My fiance and I agreed we wanted the wedding party to be small and we didn't need a flower girl. The day I went to go pick up my dress from the boutique, I take my MOH with me and her 7 year old daughter. On the car drive there,<strong> my niece asks me if she can be the flower girl, and I said no</strong>. I turned to my MOH and asked her "Did you put her up to this to ask me?' and she slightly shook her head yes. <strong>I now have a flower girl that I didn't want in the first place</strong>, but since her mom talked to her about how imporant this is,<strong> I just can't tell her no.</strong> #3 My bridal shower was a disaster. One of the bridesmaids originally wanted to throw this party for me. I told the MOH and she suddenly got jealous and said she wanted to help because she felt left out. I gave her the phone number for the other bridesmaid to plan and she didn't call her until two weeks before the party. I had given her addresses to mail out invitations the beginning of the month and I found out she didn't send out the invitations until a week before. Long story short, she didn't come ontime to help decorate (I had to decorate for my own bridalshower) and she still had to pick up the food. We agreed there would be no kids at this party, she still brings her 7 year old daughter. I kept getting phone calls that day that said" I'm so sorry I cant make it because I dont have a sitter" and" I didn't get the invite in enough time to plan" . No one came except my mother, the moh, the bridesmaid hosting the shower and my 7 year old niece. I was so angry and embarrased. #4 My 2 bridesmaids have told me that they have their dress. I text the moh-- she said she will get her dress next week!! And she wants to know how everything is going with decorating the flower girl's basket. I want to tell her don't worry about what I'm doing because I have all of this under control, you need to worry about yourself and get your crap together. #5 She tries to invite people to the wedding that my fiance and I  don't even know!! When I tell her no, she gets upset. So when it comes to my mother in law asking for invites, she gets defensive and says, " I don't know mom, you need to talk to the bride and groom first because they are really strict about who they invite." I told my fiance to call his mother and let her know she can invite whoever she wants to. It's different in maintaining the relationship with your mother in law then it is with your sister in law. I really feel like she is blowing a lot of things out of proportion. I haven't really talked to her since the bridal shower. I just feel like the wedding day might be a disaster too.
    Posted by Jpineda08[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Bolded part: so you told your future niece no and then told her yes? I mean you definitely got conned into it but you didn't<em> have </em>to say yes. </div><div>
    </div><div>It sounds like your FSIL is indeed a piece of work, that's for sure. It does suck about her not letting you know about the dress appointment, your shower not getting the invitations out, and getting her dress. She was not required to throw you a shower or go with you to the dress appointments, but she said she would go/help and then fell through for no apparent good reason, and that is not ok IMO. Still, what can you do?</div><div>
    </div><div>Has she always been flaky like this? Sadly people don't change for weddings, even though you might think they might. </div><div>
    </div><div>And I would hope you mean just going to pick up her dress, not order it right? As long as she has paid for it in full, it shouldn't be a big deal, but hopefully she won't need a lot of alterations. Either way, this is on her. She is an adult and can manage picking up a dress. It won't reflect badly on you if she doesn't. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for her passive aggressive attitude with your FMIL and the guest list issues, just let that roll. You don't owe her an explanation. She is the rude one to invite random people to the wedding. 

    </div>
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  • Ohhh boy do we have the same MOH???? Mine is my sister in law...My FI older brothers wife...did i get that right??? nver mind... I can relate sooo much...Let me go to the begining when it was their wedding ( my FI older brother and her!) My Fi was denied being the best men so her brother could be the best men. My FI said no bc its his only brother he will be the best men so she got mad but said yes. The maid of honor was suppose to be her friend and i was just a bridesmaid. Her girlfriends gave her a bachlorette party and asked me to chip in so i did and later talked s** behind my back and i didn't know why. The day of the wedding when we were at the reception her so called MOH got drunk!!! So i had to step in and figure out a speech 5 minutes before. I did it! Next day after the wedding they have the guts to come over to me and hand me a $50 bill and said thanks you did a good job.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It al cleared up until its time for our wedding. In retutn my FI best men will be his brother, I wanted a different MOH but his side of familly started talking how can I since I was her MOH!!!!!! So i said yes ok. So now she is my MOH from hell!!!! My mom is throwing me a bridal shower bc my MOH said I never threw her one so she won't do i t for me. My bridesmaids are planning my Bachlorette party not her. She also told my mom she will only be an hour at my bridal shower bc she has something else to do!!!!!!!!!! And i can sooo totally relate to dress issues. I was trying to be nice since she had 2 babies one after another i told her she can have a different dress then the bridesmaids, bc the bridesmaids are wearing something short, so she went and got a long strapless gown and allready told me she wants an extreeme push up!!! Yell She also tried to be part of our first dance, saying how cool it looks when the couple have bridesmaids in it tooo!!! I wasnt part of her first dance so since when does it look coool??? She had her wedding i don't know why she tries to ruin mine.....I saved hers!!!! Ohhh and ofcourse her 2 year old is the flower girl too!!! God forbid i didnt take her... no one asked me she just told me she will be one period.!!!!
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  • Wow... she sounds pretty inconsiderate too me. I mean, not showing up for the dress shopping, I think I could probably forgive that, even though I'd be a little miffed that she didn't even call to say she couldn't come, but then again I'm kind of a stickler for being on time and all that.
    It's definitely out of line to put her daughter up to asking you to be a flowergirl, even though you didn't want one, which I'm guessing she knew about. That's incredibly rude, and pretty childish.
    As for the shower, it's never your MOH/BM's obligation to throw you a shower, but it sounds like she volunteered (out of jealousy), and then didn't follow through, which is pretty crappy. I don't understand why she couldn't have let the other bridesmaid know she had other stuff going on and could she take care of the invitations etc etc.
     If she doesn't buy her bridesmaid dress, she's taken herself out the wedding. So I wouldn't worry about that.
    And she has no say in the guest list whatsoever, so don't feel bad about that. You are not obligated to invite all of her friends.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-with-moh-issues-tell-me-if-im-wrong-in-being-mad-at-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9c96ee92-82f1-463b-a1c1-a0f5ecb271fePost:b4b99c38-1d24-4f4b-a7ea-6a9a61882c24">Re: Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ohhh boy do we have the same MOH???? Mine is my sister in law...My FI older brothers wife...did i get that right??? nver mind... I can relate sooo much...Let me go to the begining when it was their wedding ( my FI older brother and her!) My Fi was denied being the best men so her brother could be the best men. My FI said no bc its his only brother he will be the best men so she got mad but said yes. The maid of honor was suppose to be her friend and i was just a bridesmaid. Her girlfriends gave her a bachlorette party and asked me to chip in so i did and later talked s** behind my back and i didn't know why. The day of the wedding when we were at the reception her so called MOH got drunk!!! So i had to step in and figure out a speech 5 minutes before. I did it! Next day after the wedding they have the guts to come over to me and hand me a $50 bill and said thanks you did a good job.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It al cleared up until its time for our wedding. In retutn my FI best men will be his brother, I wanted a different MOH but his side of familly started talking how can I since I was her MOH!!!!!! So i said yes ok. So now she is my MOH from hell!!!! My mom is throwing me a bridal shower bc my MOH said I never threw her one so she won't do i t for me. My bridesmaids are planning my Bachlorette party not her. She also told my mom she will only be an hour at my bridal shower bc she has something else to do!!!!!!!!!! And i can sooo totally relate to dress issues. I was trying to be nice since she had 2 babies one after another i told her she can have a different dress then the bridesmaids, bc the bridesmaids are wearing something short, so she went and got a long strapless gown and allready told me she wants an extreeme push up!!! She also tried to be part of our first dance, saying how cool it looks when the couple have bridesmaids in it tooo!!! I wasnt part of her first dance so since when does it look coool??? She had her wedding i don't know why she tries to ruin mine.....I saved hers!!!! Ohhh and ofcourse her 2 year old is the flower girl too!!! God forbid i didnt take her... no one asked me she just told me she will be one period.!!!!
    Posted by Ewe&Sla[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ok, no body is required to be anyone's MOH or Best man (men is plural, just FYI). It can be anyone, sibling or not, so I don't know where you got that idea. Also, a MOH and Best Man should be a position of honor, not a job, so I don't get why they paid you. Showers and b-parties are totally optional and can be thrown by anyone. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for the FG issue, did someone hold a gun to your head and demand she be the FG? No, probably not. You and your FI couldn't stand up to his family and tell them it wasn't what you wanted. He should not be letting his family walk all over you. Get used to that if he won't stand up for you now. </div>
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  • Yea maybe you are right. We try hard to make sure there are no issues in the family. I have been raised to eliminate problems and try to work things out with people. They do take advantage of that, but we do have our limits. My FI always takes my side, and i will take his. We have learned how to deal with his family and after this wedding there is not much obligation on either sides. There might not be any obligation to who is who's BM in your family but maybe there is in his. So you might not understand that part. There is a reason why i said that they paid me. THEY didn't understand that this isn't a job! I never took the money FYI!!! I guess since she never asked me to be her MOH she felt it was ok to give me 50bucks... There is a reason why i responded to this post. To share that i had my issues with my MOH. No one was holding any guns, relax. Obviously if i didn't want her so bad i would say NO!! But why the drama The wedding is about me and my husband and i don't care who gives the speech....!! I think you can't really judge my relationship with my FI or family by one post.... don't you think? Sorry for misspelling one word, seems to me you still understood what i wrote...ohh tragic mistake of mine... apologies...
    Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-with-moh-issues-tell-me-if-im-wrong-in-being-mad-at-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9c96ee92-82f1-463b-a1c1-a0f5ecb271fePost:db84632b-afeb-49e3-8fbc-58ac51e0b8cd">Re: Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her. : Ok, no body is required to be anyone's MOH or Best man (men is plural, just FYI). It can be anyone, sibling or not, so I don't know where you got that idea. Also, a MOH and Best Man should be a position of honor, not a job, so I don't get why they paid you. Showers and b-parties are totally optional and can be thrown by anyone.  As for the FG issue, did someone hold a gun to your head and demand she be the FG? No, probably not. You and your FI couldn't stand up to his family and tell them it wasn't what you wanted. He should not be letting his family walk all over you. Get used to that if he won't stand up for you now. 
    Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-with-moh-issues-tell-me-if-im-wrong-in-being-mad-at-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9c96ee92-82f1-463b-a1c1-a0f5ecb271fePost:aa295ce0-7e90-44af-9be8-b36c6e441624">Re: Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yea maybe you are right. We try hard to make sure there are no issues in the family. I have been raised to eliminate problems and try to work things out with people. They do take advantage of that, but we do have our limits. My FI always takes my side, and i will take his. We have learned how to deal with his family and after this wedding there is not much obligation on either sides. There might not be any obligation to who is who's BM in your family but maybe there is in his. So you might not understand that part. There is a reason why i said that they paid me. THEY didn't understand that this isn't a job! I never took the money FYI!!! I guess since she never asked me to be her MOH she felt it was ok to give me 50bucks... There is a reason why i responded to this post. To share that i had my issues with my MOH. No one was holding any guns, relax. Obviously if i didn't want her so bad i would say NO!! But why the drama The wedding is about me and my husband and i don't care who gives the speech....!! I think you can't really judge my relationship with my FI or family by one post.... don't you think? Sorry for misspelling one word, seems to me you still understood what i wrote...ohh tragic mistake of mine... apologies... Response to Re: Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her. :
    Posted by Ewe&Sla[/QUOTE]

    I see somethings don't change... 
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  • I agree with jcb on a lot of this.

    Is your FSIL a single mom?  Could be an explanation of why she is super busy and waiting til last minute to do things.  Or she could just be the type of person who likes to take on responsibility but really can't handle it. 

    The Bridal shower would disappoint me as well.  My MOH said she wanted to throw a b-party, sat down and talked with me about, picked a date/time/location.  I gave her the list of invitees but she never did anything, last minute I sent out facebook invites because people were asking me questions.  Anywho the thing was kind of a bummer (MOH ordered me an expensive martini yet put it on my bill nor did not offer to pay for it...I didn't even drink it because I was driving), the party itself was lame but I was still grateful for it (as I'm sure you were about the shower...its just kind of a bummer).

    The dress thing wouldn't really bother me.  The same MOH didn't pick hers up until the week of the wedding.  I never asked them any questions other than making sure they were ordered because I just didn't want to stress myself with it.

    The FG thing would also irritate me.  My other MOH kept pressuring me to have her daughter in the wedding.  I would change the subject immediately (although she never had her daughter ask me).

    The dress fitting would disappoint me slightly but not enough.  One of my jobs does not allows us to go on our cell phones and I quite often stay after work. 

    The inviting people would irriate me.  That's uncalled for.  Stick your ground.

    Next Saturday this will be over and you'll be on the "other side" and realize this was all silly. 
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-with-moh-issues-tell-me-if-im-wrong-in-being-mad-at-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9c96ee92-82f1-463b-a1c1-a0f5ecb271fePost:aa295ce0-7e90-44af-9be8-b36c6e441624">Re: Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yea maybe you are right. We try hard to make sure there are no issues in the family.<strong> I have been raised to eliminate problems and try to work things out with people.</strong> They do take advantage of that, but we do have our limits. My FI always takes my side, and i will take his. We have learned how to deal with his family and after this wedding there is not much obligation on either sides. <strong>There might not be any obligation to who is who's BM in your family but maybe there is in his</strong>. So you might not understand that part. There is a reason why i said that they paid me. THEY didn't understand that this isn't a job! I never took the money FYI!!! I guess since she never asked me to be her MOH she felt it was ok to give me 50bucks... There is a reason why i responded to this post. To share that i had my issues with my MOH. No one was holding any guns, relax. Obviously if i didn't want her so bad i would say NO!! But why the drama The wedding is about me and my husband and i don't care who gives the speech<strong>....!! I think you can't really judge my relationship with my FI or family by one post.... don't you think? Sorry for misspelling one word, seems to me you still understood what i wrote...ohh tragic mistake of mine...</strong> apologies... Response to Re: Bride with MOH issues--tell me if I'm wrong in being mad at her. :
    Posted by Ewe&Sla[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You misspelled one word several times, and it was annoying, so I called you out. Sorry. </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm not trying to "judge" your relationship, but you're whining about how people forced you to do things and they didn't force you to do anything.  It shouldn't matter what his family thinks as far as your WP is concerned. You and/or your FI just couldn't stand up to them about what you did or didn't want (whether or not it wound up being a big deal doesn't matter) and typically if your FI refuses to stand up to his family on your behalf early on, it is a sign of similar things to come. That's all I was trying to say. </div><div>
    </div><div>FTR, my FMIL flipped her sh!t when we said we were having no kids at the wedding. She didn't talk to us for a while and threatened not to come. We wound up<em> compromising</em> with her, trading kids for church friends/some of her friends. Compromising is fine. I know people have different ideas on what a wedding should be like. Fine, whatever. We weren't letting her walk all over us about it, but we did feel that since she was contributing financially to the wedding that she should have some say over the guest list, and plus she had some valid points about how it would be difficult for a lot of our OOT family to come if we had no kids. She wound up trying to go back on the church people/her friends thing a few months later (trying to get them invited AND kids too, despite our compromise), and didn't talk to me or FI for a month. That was fun. *sigh*</div><div>
    </div><div>So my point is that I'm sorry you got bullied into having people you didn't want as your attendants/FG. Even if ILs/parents are paying, they still shouldn't get a say over the WP. That is seriously too much. </div><div>

    </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • I think both girls are just saying how they feel/felt guilted into having things they didnt really want at the wedding. Plus if one of my Fi's neices asked me to be the flower girl i would have a hard time saying no to a little kid its human nature. Not to mention your trying to keep the peace within the family. But on the note of your SIL inviting people my sister is doing the exact same thing then got mad at me when i told her unless she was going to pay for them to be at the reception they arent coming. Not that i'm trying to sound cheap its just i'm on a budget and she seems to forget that. All you have to do is put your foot down and tell her no, shes prob gonna be pissy but she will live after all its not her wedding its yours.
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