BM Confessions Ladies

tldh

Kind of on the same theme as Stage's post yesterday...
We've all been bridesmaids so...

Any wedding you were in where you regret any behavior on your part?  Maybe something we warn others not to do today because we grew up and learned something....

Any bridezillas that you handled and how did you handle them?

Ever have to intervene with others on behalf of the bride?

Any other wisdom that I've forgotten to ask for...

AdeleDazeem

I've been a MOH twice and both brides were lovely lovely people.

I will say that one sent me a Bridesmaid's Guidebook or something.  I read it, promptly freaked out about everything I was supposed to do, but then I talked to her about it and we laughed.  All she wanted was me to be there and wished she had read the book before sending it to me.  We both found it ridiculous.

slubkin

I've never been a bridesmaid.  I've never attended a wedding (except when my dad remarried, but I was 10 and it was a VERY small buddhist wedding).

I didn't know diddly squat about wedding planning, costs, etiquette, etc. until I started lurking about on theknot and you wonderful ladies have managed to fill my brain with all sorts of useful and relevant information! 

emilyinchile

I've only ever been a junior BM (I was 12), and I didn't do anything except get a dress made and show up to the wedding, all of which was VERY exciting.

I'm in a wedding right now for one of my best friends, and she's pretty relaxed. The only thing she's done is ask for our shoe sizes the other day (we're wearing our own black shoes in the wedding), so I'm wondering if there are going to be flip flops somehow involved as a gift, which could turn out to be something I don't really use depending on the style, but that's hardly the end of the world.

gottahavashorti

The only wedding I was in, the bride was pretty laid back.  They had some things that would be quickly vetoed here, but I really doubt she realized those things are technically a no-no. 

We ended up with matching dresses after choosing a patterned dress - the plan was for us to get any dress that came in either one of her colors, with any sashes/underskirts/etc if we wanted them.  None of them looked good on us, but the patterned dress was cute on all of us and she had been eyeing it anyway. 

The BM I don't get along with had flaked out on that shopping trip at the last minute, and wrote on another friend's fb wall that it made her butt look big.  I am a bad BM because I didn't feel bad about that since she flaked and could have had the chance to help choose the dresses.  I was at least nice and told her when the wedding got closer that I'd successfully gotten the back of mine not to poof out so much by flattening the back of the dress against other stuff in the closet.  The samples weren't like that, probably from being on the rack.

KaylaSue19

I have been in 2 weddings. My BFF just got married and I was MoH in hers. She was a very easy going bride. She's in Idaho and I am in MN though, so that was hard. She had a shower thrown for her and I hated not being able to go to it or help plan it. I got there a few days before the wedding and it was like a whole wedding weekend, I loved it! BBQ at her parents Thurs, RD and after party Fri, Wedding on Sat. I ruined my toast. I was so emotional and happy for her, it was a wreck. Plus I am horribly clumsy and spilled some champagne on the her H's back..thank god he was in a black button up and not white!

The other I was a BM in my brother/SIL's wedding. I was 19 and everyone else is 5-6 years older than me so that was a little hard but they were all really great. At the time I was in ID and the wedding was here in MN so again I was OOT. SIL had some other OOT BM's so she had a brunch two days before the wedding so everyone could catch up/get aquainted. I was the only BM who had their hair up, I have always thought it looked odd, but I know I am the only one. I also picked some pretty ugly shoes in retrospect, but again I think I am the only one who would care about that. It was a really fun wedding. Being a BM had its perks with the open bar too, but we'll leave the rest of that out.

JadziaDax

Any wedding you were in where you regret any behavior on your part?  One of my friends got married right after college. I felt like I didn't know anything about weddings. Her other friends and I had a "bridal shower" for her and we all just gave her lingerie. I didn't buy my dress until the very last minute, which probably drove her nuts. I didn't know what a wedding really entailed and I wish I would have put in more effort to plan pre-wedding events and ease some stress.

Any bridezillas that you handled and how did you handle them? I've never dealt with a bridezilla but a friend of mine made it clear that she wanted all of her bridesmaids to wear updo's. I paid about $200 since my hair was really long and I wasn't too happy about that.

Ever have to intervene with others on behalf of the bride? No, thank god.

lauralaur

I've been in two weddings and both times there weren't any huge issues. We broke the loops on the bride's dress lacing her up in one, oops, it got fixed though, nobody freaked out, and no one else knew. There was a little bit of drama in the other girl's wedding though since one bridesmaid didn't like the other, but it never turned into anything huge.

I guess what I really regret is that when the first of my friends got married, I didn't really "get" weddings. I didn't go as all-out or get as excited as I have for other friends and I feel kind of badly about that. However, she has a little girl now, who I spoil rotten, so that makes up for it, right?

megk8oz

Um, yeah, I totally was a BM for bridezilla ... and all I got was this lousy t-shirt ~points to siggy~

stina93446

I was a little bit of a bridesmaidzilla. I had read one of those hand books and wanted to be the best MOH ever. 

However, I think I did a great job anyways. I mean, this girl was way unorganized and everything. Day of, she was getting her hair done and hadn't figured out the seating chart. I was literally asking my sisters (the other bms) to run back and forth between the ceremony and reception site to ask the bride "where does this family sit? There's not enough seats at that table" while I wrote it down. Jeez, just thinking about it makes me all huffy still.

filaw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-confessions-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9d9ab91d-371a-4f97-99a3-2f0b0ffec073Post:59f8e7e8-fd6f-4916-9be5-885b49f5f3c1">Re: BM Confessions Ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]She wanted us to a) get ready wearing just these underwear and the Bridesmaid tank tops and b) all have a pic taken ON THE STEPS OF THE CHURCH with us all mooning the camera. 
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I have no words for that.  That's just.........!</div><div>
</div><div>Seriously, my jaw dropped to the keyboard when I read that.</div>

kayakrunhike

My advice is this:  If your BM stops talking to you, ignores you, etc, ASK THEM what is wrong.  Don't automatically assume it's related to your wedding.  During my bff's wedding planning, I was very stressed.  My job was ending a month before her wedding, and I was finding out just how expensive weddings are when you're a BM, for the first time.  I was also saving for my own wedding.  I fully admit I acted badly, and so did my bff, but she never asked what was wrong.
Things would have gone so much more smoothly if she hadn't assumed I was always angry and upset bc of her wedding.  In reality, it had nothing to do with it.  I didn't get a new job until a week before funding for my old one was due to run out.  She got upset when I didn't know if I could come to her bach party bc it was a night out, in DC.  At a very expensive restaurant, then bar hopping all night.  She thought it was bc we were fighting, not bc I barely had any money in my account.

Anyway, communicate, and leave your wedding out of the picture in your friendships.  Assuming gets you nowhere.

Other advice- best decision I ever made was to let the BMs choose their own dresses (within a designer, fabric, color,etc), hair, makeup, shoes, jewelry, etc.  It was SO much easier.  My aforementioned bff nearly had a panic attack over trying to fit 9 BMs into one same style.  She did it, but it was pretty miserable (not to mention my DD's didn't appreciate the strapless dress with no support to it.  Another story altogether). 

quotequeen

I've never been in a wedding, and I probably never will be.  I did a reading once, and carried the gifts once, but that didn't involve any of the pre-wedding stuff.  When I was little there was one girl who was always in the family weddings we went to and I never was, I was SO jealous of her!

tldh

Okay.  I guess I'm the only one who ever did something truly horrible years and years ago.

Any wedding you were in where you regret any behavior on your part?  Maybe something we warn others not to do today because we grew up and learned something....
I had grown up with brothers and in a call it like it is neighborhood.  I hadn't mastered the art of calmly explaining things or trying to see them from other people's perspectives to try to change their minds.

My SIL had decided that everyone was going to wear brown dresses - she picked them and then told us what they were.  After seeing them, I threw a hissy fit campaign.  She did a good job ignoring me and my mom tried to talk some sense into me but I wouldn't stop.  I'd stare at SIL at dinner every night and make comments like "the parade of turds walking down the aisle," "the little piggies coming out of the mud hole," ect.  (I still cringe remembering this).

When we all went to the bridal salon for fittings, the consultant looked at SIL and just said, "Oh honey.  Are you absolutely sure?  I've seen pictures of these dresses and they don't make a tux that they don't clash with."  She changed her mind on the spot and went with the same style but a blue one that I loved so much I later had it cut down into a cocktail dress that I still wear.

Funny part is that I wore that cocktail dress to another wedding last year and the BMs were wearing the same dress in brown.  SIL watched them all coming down the aisle with her jaw open, turned to me and said "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. They do look like a parade of turds."

Any bridezillas that you handled and how did you handle them?
Nothing that comes close to what Meg went through - she earned her siggy.  A friend of mine got married when we were 22 and she was doing everything "by the book" so we all had to have dyed to match black shoes (yeah...you read right), the same earrings and necklace, identical french twists and the same manicured nails - at a salon on the other side of town and totally out of all the BM's budgets (It was the first time I carried a balance on a credit card). 

The dresses were being sold at a department store for highschool dances so we could "totally wear them again" but necessitated us getting them long before BMs should have to get dresses.  We watched the first zilla traits emerge that day when she chewed out the sales lady who told her that what was on the rack was all they had. Zilla made her call every single store and have them shipped to that one in the varying sizes that were needed because someone promised her the week before that they'd all be there (we both worked retail at the time so I know she knew better on every aspect of that tantrum).

My oldest friend was also a BM so she and I took as much cover as we could and let her sister and best friend handle her.  Thankfully, friend went back to the same person she was before she got engaged immediately following the wedding.

Ever have to intervene with others on behalf of the bride?
I had to get between cousin dearest and her mother in the back of the church when we were lining up to go down the aisle.  The were fighting as usual and were about to start screaming when I pulled the bride into an empty room to calm her down.  I sent our other cousin (also a BM) to settle our aunt.

TheCranberry

"Most of you know this story I think, with the custom undies that had us all "labeled" with personality traits?  She wanted us to a) get ready wearing just these underwear and the Bridesmaid tank tops and b) all have a pic taken ON THE STEPS OF THE CHURCH with us all mooning the camera."

This is insane.  I mean, really.

I've been a BM once, and the bride was totally laid back.  She let us pick the color of the dresses and the style and even the designer.  We wore whatever shoes we wanted, and she gave us the name of her hair and makeup person but didn't require us to use her.  I think she wanted us all with our hair up, but we could do it ourselves if we wanted.  I went to my own hairdresser and did my own makeup. 

Her wedding was an all day thing because she's Chinese and had the tea ceremony at her parents' house and his parents' early in the day before the Western ceremony/reception.  It was really cool to be a part of that, and I felt very honored.  I was really nervous about doing something to mess it up, but she and her family were understanding and walked us through everything.

I was an usher in another friend's wedding, and that was crazy.  It was more her wedding coordinator than her though.  We had to make the programs at the RD while everyone else had started eating.  The WC actually wanted us to stand OUTSIDE of the sanctuary during the ceremony to direct latecomers upstairs.  She wanted a few of us to volunteer.  The other three female ushers (there were 4 guys too) wanted to talk to the bride about how ridiculous her WC was being, but I said it was unnecessary.  I just told the WC very nicely that we would not be standing outside of the sanctuary while our friend got married.  And that was that.  In the end, two of the guys volunteered to do it and only missed the beginning of the processional.  I did not want to miss one minute of any of the action since I flew down to see my friend get married not provide fee staff for the WC.  She was a trip.  We also had to work the door at the reception and tell her family where they could and could not sit.  Apparently the bride had other issues with the WC that day and was very sorry that we had to do all of that.  It wasn't her plan at all.

So I guess it was more of a WC-zilla than a bridezilla.

gottahavashorti

Yikes.  Aren't most of those things what people usually hire WCs in order to avoid?

jaimed99

I've only been in one wedding...my cousin got married a few years ago and I was a BM. She was pretty awesome, though...we grew up like sisters and myself, her H's SIL (I think) and our other cousin were her BMs...she didn't have a MOH but SIL did the hard stuff  My mom threw the shower/bach party (my cousin had just found out she was expecting so no crazy partying unfortunately...lol). All I had to do was buy my dress (which was affordable, and while I don't take to light colors well, it looked nice on me) and chose to get dyed shoes, since it was a champagne dress. My mom fixed my hair just before the wedding and it was a lovely outdoor ceremony, with guests and BP standing outside a small gazebo while my cousin and her H were inside In the interim between the ceremony and reception, we sat in the guys' room having a beer and hanging out before attending the reception.  It was a lot of fun

I'm going to be a BM in my BFF's wedding next October, though...really looking forward to helping her plan, because she's so laid-back, and she's the only girl I think I could handle co-dress shopping with

SSaltzman87

I was (almost) in a wedding where at first the bride was pretty laid back about nearly everything and kind of left all the necessary details to the very last minute. About 4-5 months before the wedding, she did a complete about face and became a Bridezilla.

She switched up her bridal party several times and I'm convinced made her now husband do the same. 3 months before the wedding she insisted that a girl she barely knew be her Personal Attendant.

2 months before the wedding, she kicked me out because I expressed in the nicest possible way that I didn't think the hairstyle she chose for us to wear would be appropriate considering our attire and how casual the wedding was. A few of the other BMs seemed to agree when I said that. Maybe I should've kept my mouth shut about that!?

Worst part of that was she chose to tell me I was out of the wedding while we were shopping at the mall right in front of the girl who was the personal attendant. I feel that that should've been a private conversation without the other girl at either one of our houses, or some other neutral, private place.

Personal Attendant then took my place in the bridal party. I found that out thanks to my being facebook friends with the MOH and she had tons of pictures from the wedding.

That experience has pretty much taught me what NOT to do :-P

bablingbrooke

I think I've told this story before about being a friend of a friend of the bride so skip this if you've heard it.  She was such a bridezilla that by the time she was about three weeks from the wedding, no one (not BMs, not cousins) was returning her calls.  She was having a traditional Pakistani wedding and people typically perform dances for the bride and groom--usually friends doing something they choreographed.  I'd met this girl probably 5 times and did some birth control counseling with her so she had my number.  My friend had mentioned to her a year or two earlier that when I lived in England I was in a Bollywood dance group and we did some performances.  I hadn't been invited to the wedding and beyond calling me to ask questions about birth control, I hadn't had any contact with her in a couple of years.  I'd heard plenty of stories about her behaviour, though, and I wasn't upset to not be a part of the wedding.  (Did I also mention this was her fourth engagement?  She'd been getting engaged to guys through basically arranged marriages, would get engaged after two weeks, then break up after she got to know the guy a little.  She got married when she was 24 and thought she was over the hill.)

So imagine my surprise when I get a call from her saying that no one's performing a dance and she can't get anyone to call her back so she needs me to do one for her.  Again, I'm not in the wedding or invited to the wedding.  I also lived 3 hours away from her and the wedding at the time.  So I tell her that I'm flattered but that I only really know one or two dances, I didn't think they were wedding-appropriate, I didn't have enough time to teach it to others (it took me six months to learn them) and I don't know how to choreograph anything or teach it to others.  She won't take no for an answer.  I keep telling her I can't, she keeps saying I can and I will.  I finally asked her when the wedding is and, "Oh, I'm actually out of town that weekend!  So sorry!"  and only then did she let me go.  

The other stuff she did was pretty priceless.  She told my friend that her father would pay for their hotel rooms the night of the wedding and at the RD she comes up to them and says, never mind, he's not paying.  And about a week before the wedding she and another BM took her to the spa for a massage and facial.  The spa people were about five minutes late getting started and she began reaming into them for being so unprofessional.  They were five minutes late because when they heard it was a WP they decided to uncork some champagne for them, and were greeted with screaming.  Bridezilla whined to them about how terrible and unprofessional they were throughout the massage, mani-pedi, and waxing.  Finally they get some great revenge: They offer her a complimentary facial.  It's really a chemical peel.  She has a red face for her wedding.  Is it wrong that my friend and the other BM tipped the spa extra for doing it?  Bridezilla never thanked my friend or the other BM for the spa day--she was too busy berating them for picking such a terrible place.

I guess her marriage isn't great, but I couldn't say for sure--both BMs cut off contact with her after the wedding.  They'd all been friends since they were 5.

jaimed99

Wow, Brooke what a biiiiitch...and no, I don't find it wrong at all that your friend and the other BMs tipped the spa for what they did...I'd have laughed my rear end off!

Lapontoona6

So i was a BM for my bff and as a bride she was good - she failed to ask for our budget's regarding the dresses, which were $280 a piece, and 2 of us (me included) were living on our own trying to make ends meet. 
My issue with her wedding was the MOH - she was a bit of a 'zilla.  She never lived on a budget and failed to acknowledge that some of us did - there were 7 of us all together.  bride had 2 showers, 1 in NJ and 1 in VA (some family couldn't travel) MOH wanted all the BMs to chip in for big gifts for both showers, that was compromised.  Then we managed to get their comforter set on a great sale and she didn't feel that we spent enough on a gift for the NJ shower and wanted to spend more - I finally said that I couldn't afford it so she suggested that the other BMs could buy the bride add'l separate gifts to give her at the shower.  My mother hosted the shower and all she asked of the WP was to help out with serving the 42 guests, I'm the only one who helped out. 
On top of all of this MOH, for the Bach Party hosted an add'l lingerie gift giving event on top of the limo, wine tour, dinner and drinks out.  She emailed us ALL the time about add'l costs and what not. 
My bff does not know any of this that went on and I of course would never tell her but I wanted to smack her MOH.  Thankfully the wedding was beautiful, my friendship with my bff is awesome, and I haven't seen or spoken with her MOH since Nov 2008.

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-confessions-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9d9ab91d-371a-4f97-99a3-2f0b0ffec073Post:108e5a3d-abd0-430d-9962-0a2859d98f4e">Re: BM Confessions Ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes.  Aren't most of those things what people usually hire WCs in order to avoid ?
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

That's what I always thought.  She was crazy and needed to have a staff working with her.  We also had to fix plates for the grandparents and other older guests.  I didn't mind this in theory, but I thought it was weird that none of the grandkids or other family members would fix them a plate.  I would certainly not leave a stranger to fix my grandmother a plate at a wedding!

lalap69

When one of my friends got married a couple years back, she explained why I wasn't a BM (lived too far away) and asked me to give out programs instead.  Then kept telling me in the months leading up to the wedding that she hoped that her sister would drop out so that I could step in.

The whole thing was just REALLY uncomfortable for me and giving out programs was a crappy job that I didn't want to do.  I did it because I wanted to be a good friend and I've never said anything to her about either part.  But I'm definitely going to tell other brides not to do this to their friends!

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-confessions-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9d9ab91d-371a-4f97-99a3-2f0b0ffec073Post:59f8e7e8-fd6f-4916-9be5-885b49f5f3c1">Re: BM Confessions Ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]Most of you know this story I think, with the custom undies that had us all "labeled" with personality traits?  She wanted us to a) get ready wearing just these underwear and the Bridesmaid tank tops and b) all have a pic taken ON THE STEPS OF THE CHURCH with us all mooning the camera. I told her not no but hell no, and was "relieved of my position."
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Wow, there are a lot of horrible stories in this thread but I think this one has to be the worst!!

lalap69

Okay, I knew I'd seen something like the WP-flashing thing Stage mentioned before, and I found it:




CLASSY.

TheCranberry

OMG, Lala.  Crazy.  Could that be your friend, Stage?!  Haha.