MOH being super difficult...isn't it supposed to be the opposite?

naughtia00

My MOH and I have been friends for almost ten years...that's why I picked her for the spot.  She has always been a VERY opinonated woman.  Sometimes it comes across as rude and inappropriate.  I was for sure she wouldn't be this way when it came to helping me out with wedding things.  Unfortunately I was wrong.  I picked out the cutest dresses for my bridesmaids, fairly inexpensive ($115) -much less then what I spent on my dress for her wedding-and all she can do is complain about it.  I only have three girls in my wedding party so I don't think it'll look good for one to have a different dress...even if she is the MOH.  However, I'm trying to work with her difficulties in this situation so I told her what fabric color and sort of style I want but she keeps picking things that aren't even similar.  Everyone keeps telling me to suck it up and just tell her it's my wedding and that this is the dress I want her to wear, but I'm afraid she's going to pull a major B**** move and tell me she's not coming.  Which would majorlly suck considering she is also my cake baker.  Any advice/suggestions?!!?

lyndausvi

what does she not like about the dress?

banana468

What does the dress look like?

Can you work with her to find one? 

Perhaps she's so opinionated because she also wants to have some control over things like the attire.  And I can't really blame her either - after all, she is buying the thing.

So instead of choosing a dress, why not plan a shopping trip with her?

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-being-super-difficultisnt-supposed-opposite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f0bbe74-6bf2-42e9-8c7c-e15eb2d8b17aPost:53148d43-1003-4405-b232-ef703645c294">MOH being super difficult...isn't it supposed to be the opposite?</a>:
[QUOTE]She has always been a VERY opinonated woman.  Sometimes it comes across as rude and inappropriate.  I was for sure she wouldn't be this way when it came to helping me out with wedding things.
Posted by naughtia00[/QUOTE]

Ok, this was an error on your part. If that's how she always is, she's not going to change just because her friend is engaged. Keep that in mind going forward, and hopefully you guys won't have anymore problems.

For the dress, the requirements are that it be within her budget and that she feel comfortable in it. She does not have to personally like it - most people accept being a BM with the understanding that they will be asked to get a dress that is the bride's style. If the issue is something like you want strapless, and she's got huge boobs so strapless will fall down, then you should probably work with her (to be a good friend and also to avoid a peep show at your wedding). If it's that she just doesn't LOVE any dress, try to remind her that while you want her to feel comfortable, you have final say, and can she please pick something that will work for her that's within the general style of what you like.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-being-super-difficultisnt-supposed-opposite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f0bbe74-6bf2-42e9-8c7c-e15eb2d8b17aPost:53148d43-1003-4405-b232-ef703645c294">MOH being super difficult...isn't it supposed to be the opposite?</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH and I have been friends for almost ten years...that's why I picked her for the spot.  She has always been a VERY opinonated woman.  Sometimes it comes across as rude and inappropriate.  I was for sure she wouldn't be this way when it came to helping me out with wedding things.  Unfortunately I was wrong.  I picked out the cutest dresses for my bridesmaids, fairly inexpensive ($115) -much less then what I spent on my dress for her wedding-and all she can do is complain about it.  I only have three girls in my wedding party so I don't think it'll look good for one to have a different dress...even if she is the MOH.  However, I'm trying to work with her difficulties in this situation so I told her what fabric color and sort of style I want but she keeps picking things that aren't even similar.  Everyone keeps telling me to suck it up and just tell her it's my wedding and that this is the dress I want her to wear, but I'm afraid she's going to pull a major B**** move and tell me she's not coming.  Which would majorlly suck considering she is also my cake baker.  Any advice/suggestions?!!?
Posted by naughtia00[/QUOTE]
I agree with Banana, take her shopping.  She should get some say over the dress, because she's the one paying for and wearing it, but if she's refusing to cooperate, there may be something else that's bothering her.  She could just not be in a wedding mood right now, or she could be having other issues that are making her lash out.

It won't look bad to have her in a completely different dress than the other two, if that's what she'll agree to wear.

But let this be a lesson: people aren't going to change who they are just because you have a ring on your finger.  If she's always been a pill, she'll always be a pill, wedding or not.

mbcdefg

Ditto Emily ... you can't expect people to magically change their ways just because you happen to be getting married.

Some girls on my local board were chatting about how they've been BMs for their friends, and one of the biggest complaints was whenever they didn't have a say in how much the dress would cost, what it looked like, and other things that the bride (or other BMs, if a shower was being planned or something) wanted them to do.

And in most cases, it wasn't a matter of the actual money or task being requested of them. It was the fact that these things were decided on their behalf. Most girls said something along the lines of, "I would've been glad to pay $x for the dress, but I didn't like that the bride just picked out a dress that cost $x and assumed that I could afford it, or that she didn't bother to ask me if I liked it." So, communication is the key here. Like PPs said, go shopping with MOH and see if you can reach a compromise.

You should give her input, but I agree that in the end, it's your decision. It's completely reasonable of you to say, "Get a [knee/floor-length] dress in [color] from [designer she can afford] in [fabric type], but you can pick the actual style. If you're really not happy with that, then of course you can just attend as a guest and wear what you want, but I am hoping that you will stand up with me in the wedding." Hopefully she'll eventually STFU and just pick something from within your guidelines. But again, be sure she can afford it ... ask her, "What do you want to spend on a dress?" and then look for designers in that price range. If the price is truly low, it might be best for you to just kick in some money and end the argument, if you don't want her to drop out.

stina93446

There are so many things wrong with this post. First off, if you KNEW she was opinionated and blunt, what made you think that a wedding would change her?! That is her, and you either take it or leave it.

Second, did you even ask her what her budget was o the dress? To you, $115 is not expensive, but to others it could be. And no need to compare her bm dresses from yours. It's a seperate wedding entirely. You are not in a competition. She should have some input on the dress if she's shelling out the dough. Like the cut....not everything looks good on everyone.

Lastly, you sound like a bad friend, concerned only for how the bridesmaids have to look identical and that you won't have a cake. If she is like most adults, she knows that a wedding is not the place to be petty.  What kind of biitch move do you actually think she's going to pull.....plus, if she;s a vendor, do you really think she's going to make a scene at your wedding?! That's ridiculous because she could lose business over it. Get over yourself.

MyNameIsNot

1. People don't change because you get a ring.  If she was opinionated before, and you were friends with her in spite of that for 10 years, you're just going to have to get over it.  That's part of who she is.

2. She's paying for and wearing the dress.  She should get some say over it.  Having her in a different dress is not going to look bad or even matter. 

3. You should care more about your long term friend being at your wedding than about a cake. 

Maybe she's being opinionated, but she's certainly not out of line.  Ask her to pick out a dress in that color and length and maybe let you approve it.  Get a contract for the cake. 

naughtia00

Ok so I finally was able to get back on here and read all these messages.  I wanna say first off I didn't mean to come across as a bitchy person.  This wedding planning is stress free except for the part of my MOH.  First, I did offer to go shopping with her while she was town...she lives in NV.  But she blew me off twice to party with some guys. Then I gave her the option to find another similar dress, but she picked something completely opposite.  In fact the dress she picked was twice as much as I choose.  She is consistently bragging about how much her husband makes now at his new jobs and the $100 tips she gets at the restuarant she works at.  

However, its now become more than just the dress issue.  I asked her if she would like to help plan a bridal shower and she told me they were stupid and pointless.  I asked her what she thought of the programs and escort cards samples I made and she told me its not a dance recital guests don't need programs and she hates it when people tell her where to sit. All I asked of her is if she would stand up there with me and support me on my day, but so far she's given me negative criticism.   Her attitude has always been opinionated, but I guess I failed to mention we haven't had issues between us, we've always agreed to disagree.  And thats why we've gotten along for 10 years. 

Lastly I could care less about the cake, she said she'd make it as a gift and I totally appreciate that gesture.  However, I can totally find someone else to make it or I can do it myself, no biggie. 

MyNameIsNot

 I asked her if she would like to help plan a bridal shower

Wow.  Just wow.

Your update didn't share anything you didn't say the first time.  She's opinionated.  We get it.  Why do you need her to approve your wedding plans?  If you've always agreed to disagree, what makes you think she's going to fall over herself for your escort cards?

My advice still stands.  If she's paying for and wearing the dress, it should be something she's happy and comfortable with.  If she goes and finds something similar, it will be fine.  And even if it's completely different, it won't matter.

Butkus51507

Ok...I had a very similar issue with my girls. Your best bet, take a trip with her. Both of you pick out dresses and see if you can come up with something you both like. Ultimately it's your wedding and you get to pick the dress...whether she likes it or not. Try and work with her on it. But if she's really that uncooperative, just tell her that although you really wish you could find something you both like, this is the dress you've picked.

I've had a pretty difficult WP too...so I totally feel for you :-) keep smiling...remember you are marrying the guy of your dreams and at the end of the day...that's what matters.

emilykathleen511

You don't get to ask for (or demand) bridal showers or bachelorette parties. They are a gift to you IF someone (and that could be anyone, it doesn't have to be the MOH) offers one. Party planning takes time and money and they are not a right, they are a gift. You should never ASK someone for a gift.

naughtia00

 I was never TELLING her to PLAN the party I simply asked if she wanted to help.  My other bridesmaids and some other friends are already doing it because they know they can't rely on her to do it. However, since she is my MOH I wanted to know if she wanted to be included in it.  Everyone keeps saying how I should be asking her what she wants and that is exactly why I ASKED her if she wanted to be included in the planning of this party.  Personally if I was a MOH I would feel like I wasn't being a helpful friend if I didn't at least help out with something. Even if it was a small aspect of the party.  In addition, I don't expect her to "fall" over herself because of my escort cards, I did however expect her to give me some negative thoughts on how she wouldn't do that because she thinks its lame, BUT she'll take a look at what I've come up with to help me make it the best for MY wedding.  Yes she may not be that into the wedding stuff and that was my concern in the first place.  I thought a MOH was supposed to be supportive, even if she doesn't completely agree with how my planning is.  I never said she had to agree with me...I just want someone who is supportive...And there's not a lot of that on this board!

banana468

Naughtia, not agreeing with what you've done does not mean that this is an unsupportive board.

We're simply helping to guide you in an effort to assist you in making better choices and expectations.

The bottom line is that pointing her directly towards the bachelorette is inappropriate.  A better tact may have been to say, "I'll give you the information of the other BMs so you can all be in contact with one another."  And if another BM mentioned the bachelorette to you, just say, "Oh thank you!  I've given you the info of all the other people in the wedding just in case you want to stay in contact with them." 

But that's IT.  The bachlorette is FOR you so it's not for you to bring up.

I think you may be expecting more out of your MOH than she's willing.  If she thinks that escort cards are lame, she may not go the extra step in saying something about them.

However if you think that this is affecting your friendship, tell her.  "I really love you but sometimes, I feel like you're cutting me down."

But if you know that these details aren't her thing, you can't suddenly expect them to be her thing.  Isn't that YOU being a bad friend to HER?

lbarcomb

Some of these posts were a little harsh! I had similar problems with someone in my wedding at first. What I did was I sat down with her and asked her what was wrong. It turns out she was feeling bad about herself because all her friends are getting married and she's constantly a bridesmaid. I explained to her why I wanted her to be a part of our special day (she is a great person and an awesome friend) and I totally sympathized with her concerns. She has been great ever since, but she isn't jumping up and down every minute...or every time I make a decision. It's my wedding not hers, and I wouldn't expect her to get excited about escort cards, etc. I think those should be approved by you and your fiance, nevermind what everyone else thinks. Asking too many people what they "think" will just make you feel bad in the end. Not everyone is going to like everything. It's YOUR day, but you also want to be accomadating to your bridal party, so they are happy and comfortable as well.

That being said, you cannot expect someone to change their ways. If you do not like the way she is acting, then maybe she should not be in your wedding. Maybe she doesn't even want to be a part of it? Maybe you should ask her. I am sure you guys will find a dress that works for both of you (as well as the other girls). Don't stress yourself out too much, just ask her what's up. If she's not into the wedding, maybe she should not be in it.