BM Problem

nicoledan11

Just wondering if anyone out there has a easier/or helpful way of doing this.

I was in my friends wedding, dont get me wrong i love her to death. Now its my turn, i know she is having a lot of financal troubles; so when i asked her to be in my wedding i asked her if she could afford to be in my wedding. she said tax time was before that so yes she could. well tax time is 6 months before my wedding, and i know how she is with money. well, the more and more we get together and do other things and talk about stuff, the more and more i dont feel right having her in my wedding. she has even told me that she would not pay a bill or two to be in my wedding. i cant have her do that, that is making me feel bad. all i can think of is how much her bill is going to go up and i know that its not good now.

what is a nice, easier, kinder way to tell her that i want her to step down to hostes?
Im not cutting her out of the wedding completely, i just want to put her somewhere that i know she can afford doing and not having the pressures on my shoulders of is she financally ok.

please help

kellyb1487

Ummm besides getting a dress and maybe shoes what else does she need to buy?

If you were concerned maybe you can tell everyone what kind of dress to get (color/style) Maybe she has a dress that mathces your vision already, then she won't have to spend a dime...

You NEVER ask someone to step down or demote them, unless you are willing ot lose them as a friend

megandjay

Just make sure to get her budget before you pick out the BM dresses, that would be a time where you could explore if she is financially able to be a BM. I think it is nice that you are considering her finances, but she would probably be hurt if you asked her to step down, and it might really damage your friendship.

Licia&Wayne

There isn't a right way to ask your friend to step down. And I don't really understand how someone else can be a hostess at your wedding that isn't actually hosting the wedding. 

It really isn't your business how your friend chooses to spend her money, even if she is terribly irresponsible. How much could she possibly be spending on your wedding that it's putting her in the situation of having to choose between bills or your wedding? Being in your wedding should be made affordable for her. If she can only spend $50 on a dress, then find a $50 dress.

If she absolutely cannot spend any money on your wedding, then I feel you should work it into your budget to pay for her to attend and be in the wedding. She is your friend. Do you really want some negligible money to stand in the way of her being in your WP?

bablingbrooke

It's up to you to make the wedding affordable for her.  That means getting the budget before finding a dress and making sure you stick to that budget when shopping.  If you absolutely, positively must get a dress that costs more, it's up to you to pay the difference.

It's really cold to boot her from the wedding just because you picked things that are too expensive for her.  I would want my BFFs up there with me even if they were wearing potato sacks.  Please don't get so sucked into the wedding industrial complex that it costs you friendships (which you are at a risk for if you continue this trajectory).  The look of the WP is far less important than who is in it.  And remember we're only talking about the cost of the outfit here--parties and gifts are optional.  If an extra $100 means your BFF can be in the WP, I would pay it.  It would be worth it to me.  But then again I value substance over style.

A hostess is a paid position, so unless you plan on paying her, don't demote her.  How cruel to kick her from the WP to work as an unpaid laborer for the wedding.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:189a5f9d-30da-40bc-b712-ce1e51b00cd8">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]It's up to you to make the wedding affordable for her.  That means getting the budget before finding a dress and making sure you stick to that budget when shopping.  If you absolutely, positively must get a dress that costs more, it's up to you to pay the difference. It's really cold to boot her from the wedding just because you picked things that are too expensive for her.  I would want my BFFs up there with me even if they were wearing potato sacks.  Please don't get so sucked into the wedding industrial complex that it costs you friendships (which you are at a risk for if you continue this trajectory).  The look of the WP is far less important than who is in it.  And remember we're only talking about the cost of the outfit here--parties and gifts are optional.  If an extra $100 means your BFF can be in the WP, I would pay it.  It would be worth it to me.  But then again I value substance over style. A hostess is a paid position, so unless you plan on paying her, don't demote her.  How cruel to kick her from the WP to work as an unpaid laborer for the wedding.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
This exactly.

Remember that there is no nice way to fire someone from your WP (that's what "step down" is a euphemism for) and that it is a friendship-ending move.

mbcdefg

She said she'd afford it. It's rude and insulting of you to decide on her behalf that she can't handle paying for it.

Wouldn't you feel incredibly angry if someone said to you, "I know you said you're paying for your own wedding, but I don't trust that you can live up to that. So I'm re-booking your venue to a cheaper place, cutting your guest list in half and you'll have to wear a dress out of your own closet. Sorry, but it's for your own good!"?

Ditto PPs, the best way you can help is to be sure to pick a dress within her budget (and everyone else's budget), and make sure that that's all she is required to pay for. And if she's really struggling to pay for the dress, then pay for half/all of it as a favor.

nicoledan11

I myself cannot help her, we just have enough for what we need for our wedding.

She can't do it because she put her wedding and honeymoon on credit cards, and before they got married she had to get a new car, hers died.

sorry you guys arent much help. guess youd have to see the situation she lives in and all in her life...she cant afford a dress that is what im saying (she works maybe 15 hours a week, her husband not much more, and feeding 5 people 5 days a week, with credit card bills, and car and cell bills). and it would really look stupid if she had a differnt dress then all the rest of them. she is not my maid of honor. she does have a dress of the same color of mine but she has wore it to 4 wedding already and i seen it the other day and it is NOT in good shape to wear to another wedding.

another choice is having her do the photos, she is good at photogophy....

nicoledan11

Wouldn't you feel incredibly angry if someone said to you, "I know you said you're paying for your own wedding, but I don't trust that you can live up to that. So I'm re-booking your venue to a cheaper place, cutting your guest list in half and you'll have to wear a dress out of your own closet. Sorry, but it's for your own good!"?

^I have actually had to move reception places twice, for a cheaper one...i did have to cute my guest list to more then half of what i would love invited...and we returned a dress i LOVED deeply and went for one that was a quater of the price...and we are about this close to having a bring a dish to pass, but i am really working on not having to do that...so do you really think i dont know what it feels like???

nicoledan11

And no, don't ask her to do the photos--HIRE HER to do the photos.  Jesus.  She is not your indentured servant!





DUH do you think im that sum yes i would flipping HIRE her to do them i wouldnt MAKE her do them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:3e555a08-0547-4f0f-8f3c-6fd538b3fa0f">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Wouldn't you feel incredibly angry if someone said to you, "I know you said you're paying for your own wedding, but I don't trust that you can live up to that. So I'm re-booking your venue to a cheaper place, cutting your guest list in half and you'll have to wear a dress out of your own closet. Sorry, but it's for your own good!"?

 ^I have actually had to move reception places twice, for a cheaper one...i did have to cute my guest list to more then half of what i would love invited...and we returned a dress i LOVED deeply and went for one that was a quater of the price...and we are about this close to having a bring a dish to pass, but i am really working on not having to do that...so do you really think i dont know what it feels like???
Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]

Well, no, I <em>didn't</em> know that that happened to you since it wasn't in the OP. My crystal ball must be manfunctioning today.

So, seeing as you DO know how it feels, you're still going to kick her out of your wedding party? Good for you!

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:69257395-df39-4561-84e3-3c1522c03f06">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]And no, don't ask her to do the photos--HIRE HER to do the photos.  Jesus.  She is not your indentured servant! DUH do you think im that sum yes i would flipping HIRE her to do them i wouldnt MAKE her do them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]

Um, Brooke...I think you broke her. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:3e555a08-0547-4f0f-8f3c-6fd538b3fa0f">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Wouldn't you feel incredibly angry if someone said to you, "I know you said you're paying for your own wedding, but I don't trust that you can live up to that. So I'm re-booking your venue to a cheaper place, cutting your guest list in half and you'll have to wear a dress out of your own closet. Sorry, but it's for your own good!"? ^I have actually had to move reception places twice, for a cheaper one...i did have to cute my guest list to more then half of what i would love invited...and we returned a dress i LOVED deeply and went for one that was a quater of the price...and we are about this close to having a bring a dish to pass, but i am really working on not having to do that...so do you really think i dont know what it feels like???
Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]
But you chose to do all of that stuff.  Since no one flat out ordered you to make those adjustments, no, you don't know what it feels like.

aerinpegadrak

Mel!  You're back!  Squee!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:9aeb1769-ac0f-4639-9320-c8a92034e8cf">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Problem : Um, Brooke...I think you broke her. 
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]
I really need to stop doing that.  And welcome back :)

balasj

I feel that as long as you picked a reasonably priced dress and aren't being a nazi about other expenses for the girls then really it shouldn't be that big of a deal...  I apreciate that she is in a rough spot but that is her issue to work out and I can't imagine that she wouldn't make things work out to support her good friend on her wedding day.  Its not like she plans to live in a hole until she pays off her debts.  And if she really can't afford anything at all then you two need to talk about it somehow but let her decide what to do in the end. 

Licia&Wayne

So many exclamation points...does not compute...

OP, here's the deal: You can't ask her to step down. It sounds like you both have financial woes. So does everybody else, and that isn't an excuse to validate the poor decisions you're flirting with making. You cannot tell her she can't afford to be in your wedding. She has to come to that decision herself.

You've pretty much said in your follow-up posts that your friend having the same dress as all the other bridesmaids is more important than your friend actually being in the wedding. You have your answer right there. You are not a friend to this girl, she is just a prop to you. So do what you want, I suppose, but it will be a poor choice on your part.

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:8fee1039-c5d5-4de6-a66a-87aca20da516">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]So many exclamation points...does not compute... OP, here's the deal: You can't ask her to step down. It sounds like you both have financial woes. So does everybody else, and that isn't an excuse to validate the poor decisions you're flirting with making. You cannot tell her she can't afford to be in your wedding. She has to come to that decision herself. <strong>You've pretty much said in your follow-up posts that your friend having the same dress as all the other bridesmaids is more important than your friend actually being in the wedding. You have your answer right there. You are not a friend to this girl, she is just a prop to you.</strong> So do what you want, I suppose, but it will be a poor choice on your part.
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]

This.  1000 times, this. 

Thanks for the welcome back, y'all.  That promotion I was gushing about a few months back has resulted in doing actual work during my work day now.  It's weird. 

tldh

OP - there's no need to get bent out of shape when people give you solid advice as was done here.  We have no way of knowing what is going on except for what you choose to tell us, and from the way you worded your friend possibly being your photog, I had the same reaction as Brooke. 

You aren't getting married for another year.  You can't tell me that neither one of you are capable of putting aside $5 a week from now until April.  That should be enough to cover a reasonably priced dress and, if she needs them, new shoes.  Anything else that you would want like BMs having hair and makeup done is all on you anyway.

nicoledan11

Again as I said You people dont know the whole situation so thanks for not much of anything...guess next time ill just stick to talking to the rest of the wedding party because they feel the same way i do about this situation, just thought i would see what other thoughts were out there and well total opposite of what everyone on this side thinks and feels.

my honey also wanted his sister in the wedding, the only sibling he has, he didnt say anything to me until after i had told all my girls.

i am also letting all 5 of my girls deside on a dress, i am leaving that to them. so it that situation i am not saying how much it has to be. i am not making any of them pay for the shower...and my maid of honor and i have talked about my party, and she knows and understands what i want, and its not to spend lots of money.

It was not my choice to have to make tons of changes in my wedding, all the things I wanted my family could not do. there is already a lot of people mad at me and my honey for things that are beyond our control...so you know what i am done caring...only one things matters that day...and he will be standing there with me, i dont care who else is there. I have him and thats all i care about.

nicoledan11

You aren't getting married for another year.  You can't tell me that neither one of you are incapable of putting aside $5 a week from now until April.  That should be enough to cover a reasonably priced dress and, if she needs them, new shoes.  Anything else that you would want like BMs having hair and makeup done is all on you anyway.

Tricia

-I still have many thing i have to put money away for...like i said she is lucky if she has anything left at the end of the week...and for the hair and make up on me i dont think so...i have been in 5 wedding and all 5 i have had to pay for my own...

i also NEVER said anything about NOT "paying" her to be a hostess...yet again most people think what they want but i know what i have to do

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:c3d22c90-422e-452c-b9ea-8b9d34a7def8">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Again as I said You people dont know the whole situation so thanks for not much of anything</strong>...
No kidding.  As I said before, we only know what you choose to tell us which hasn't been much

<strong>guess next time ill just stick to talking to the rest of the wedding party because they feel the same way i do about this situation, just thought i would see what other thoughts were out there and well total opposite of what everyone on this side thinks and feels.</strong>
Good plan.  Listen only  to those who think just like you do and ignore everyone else who tells you that you are making a big mistake

. <strong>i am also letting all 5 of my girls deside on a dress, i am leaving that to them. so it that situation i am not saying how much it has to be.</strong>
No, but if a bride knows that one of her BMs has a limit, then she needs to step in and say the dress needs to stay in a certain price range.

<strong>It was not my choice to have to make tons of changes in my wedding, all the things I wanted my family could not do.</strong>
This is called real life.  I don't think anyone had the wedding she started out planning because a little thing called a budget always rears its ugly head.

<strong>there is already a lot of people mad at me and my honey for things that are beyond our control
</strong>What in the world is beyond your control for your own wedding???

Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:c3d22c90-422e-452c-b9ea-8b9d34a7def8">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Again as I said You people dont know the whole situation so thanks for not much of anything<strong>...guess next time ill just stick to talking to the rest of the wedding party because they feel the same way i do about this situation, just thought i would see what other thoughts were out there and well total opposite of what everyone on this side thinks and feels.</strong> my honey also wanted his sister in the wedding, the only sibling he has, he didnt say anything to me until after i had told all <strong>my girls</strong>. i am also letting all 5 of my girls deside on a dress, i am leaving that to them. so it that situation i am not saying how much it has to be. i am not making any of them pay for the shower...and my maid of honor and i have talked about my party, and she knows and understands what i want, and its not to spend lots of money.<strong> It was not my choice to have to make tons of changes in my wedding, all the things I wanted my family could not do.</strong> there is already a lot of people mad at me and my honey for things that are beyond our control...so you know what i am done caring...<strong>only one things matters that day...and he will be standing there with me, i dont care who else is there. I have him and thats all i care about.
</strong>Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]

1) Of course your friends are going to back up your terrible ideas.  That's why the internet is here.  The advice that you receive here may not be sugarcoated, and it will not always align with what you want, but it will be sound.  The women on these boards are not invested in your feelings, so they won't spare them by telling you this is a good idea.  This is a bad idea.  Bad bad bad. 

2) Unless you are all still in high school, they are not "your girls".  Even if you are all still in high school, don't call them this.  They're grown women (I assume) and not your props or playthings simply because they've agreed to stand at your side.

3) If your family is paying for your wedding, then your family gets a heavy hand in deciding what does and does not happen.  I am sorry that you aren't getting everything that you envisioned.  That sucks.  You could pay for it yourselves and make your own decisions, if that's an option.  

4) This is dangerous thinking.  The second you asked other people to be involved in your wedding, it stopped being "your day."  If the only person you care about is your "honey" (and that's sweet, to an extent) then you're going to have some rather sour guests.  If you're hosting them at an event, one would hope you would care about them, their presence, their comfort, and their overall enjoyment of the day which you've put together to thank them for attending. 

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:e6b94c2a-fdcb-4fbd-ba43-0dc6b7e45346">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]You aren't getting married for another year.  You can't tell me that neither one of you are incapable of putting aside $5 a week from now until April.  That should be enough to cover a reasonably priced dress and, if she needs them, new shoes.  Anything else that you would want like BMs having hair and makeup done is all on you anyway. Tricia -I still have many thing i have to put money away for...like i said she is lucky if she has anything left at the end of the week...and for the hair and make up on me i dont think so...i have been in 5 wedding and all 5 i have had to pay for my own... i also NEVER said anything about NOT "paying" her to be a hostess...yet again most people think what they want but i know what i have to do
Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]
You were asking how to demote her to hostess.  Not to hire her as hostess, but to demote her.  You keep crying about how you can't have the wedding you want, etc. yet you're willing to pay for a hostess?  Just let your friend buy a $20 dress and stand up with you!<div>
</div><div>You make soooooo many assumptions about her financial situation, each one more judgment-laden than the one before.  She's a big girl, she'll worry about it.  It's not your business.  I think there's another reason you don't want her in and are using this as an excuse.  Again, I hope I'm just being cynical.</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:2220258e-61db-484f-b716-80710e42cc59">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]. guess youd have to see the situation she lives in and all in her life...she cant afford a dress that is what im saying (she works maybe 15 hours a week, her husband not much more, and feeding 5 people 5 days a week, with credit card bills, and car and cell bills)
Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]

If this is true, then these people have real money problems.  I'm not sure why you need a cell phone if you have to feed five people and are only working 15 hours a week.

If you are her friend, you'd help her out not demote her.  Maybe she can't afford it, but she's going the extra mile to be there for you.  You should do the same.

And geez louise, tell me she's more responsible than that sentence up there.  *Please*.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:e6b94c2a-fdcb-4fbd-ba43-0dc6b7e45346">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]You aren't getting married for another year.  You can't tell me that neither one of you are incapable of putting aside $5 a week from now until April.  That should be enough to cover a reasonably priced dress and, if she needs them, new shoes.  Anything else that you would want like BMs having hair and makeup done is all on you anyway. Tricia -I still have many thing i have to put money away for...like i said she is lucky if she has anything left at the end of the week...and for the hair and make up on me i dont think so...i have been in 5 wedding and all 5 i have had to pay for my own... i also NEVER said anything about NOT "paying" her to be a hostess...yet again most people think what they want but i know what i have to do
Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]

So if you know what you "have" to do, why did you ask the Internet in the first place?

I don't see how it's hard to just ask individually for your bridesmaids' budgets beforehand, including that of the BM in question, and then choose a dress (or a few dresses to choose from) that fits within the budget.  Or alternately, you decide on a color and length and leave it up the BMs to obtain one that fits the criteria (whether new, used, or already-owned).  As far as hair/makeup, you pay for it ONLY if you require prohairmakeup, otherwise, they pay for that too. 

PPs have mentioned both ideas.  Neither idea would require you to put up money, and your BM could stay within her budget (and by the way, her finances are really none of your business).

And to what everyone else has suggested, you have pretty much responded  something to the effect of "zomg, you don't UNDERSTAAAND!!!"

What is there to understand?  Maybe if you include these details you think we're missing, you may get "better" advice.  We're human, not your psychic friends.

But really, the bottom line is that If you really wanted your friend in the wedding, you would do pretty much whatever possible to enable that to happen.  Period.

Many of us are also on budgets and we have to make tough choices based on finances, etc.  You aren't special in this regard.  Many of us also have BMs with supertight budgets or tough situations.  But it doesn't mean that we look to demote or cut them or have them work the wedding (even if they're being paid), because our friends are not props for a production, they are the people closest to us. 

BTW, if the wedding is breaking you and FI that badly, have you thought about moving the date or renegotiating with some of your vendors?

The impression I'm getting from your posts is that you just want an excuse to cut your BM, most likely because you are putting too much emphasis on your "pretty princess day" and having a broke friend who can't afford the "picture-perfect look" is cramping your style.  That, or you want to include FSIL and think the sides must be even (they don't have to be even), and the easiest way to do it is to cut broke BM who you <em>know </em>"can't afford" the big production anyway.

Otherwise, the advice given to you already would solve your issue.

aerinpegadrak

If your wedding is causing this much drama and financial stress, just elope.  Seriously, go to the courthouse and call it good.  It's a five hour party, it should not be this difficult and it is in no way remotely worth this amount of stress on you and everyone around you.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:1dd4e56c-3e5a-4473-8a5c-cc74fbcca4d0">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]If your wedding is causing this much drama and financial stress, just elope.  Seriously, go to the courthouse and call it good.  It's a five hour party, it should not be this difficult and it is in no way remotely worth this amount of stress on you and everyone around you.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
Word.  I'm worried that you're missing the point of a wedding--it's a party to kick off the marriage.  Not the be-all-end-all of everything.

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:c3d22c90-422e-452c-b9ea-8b9d34a7def8">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Again as I said You people dont know the whole situation so thanks for not much of anything...guess next time ill just stick to talking to the rest of the wedding party because they feel the same way i do about this situation, just thought i would see what other thoughts were out there and well total opposite of what everyone on this side thinks and feels. my honey also wanted his sister in the wedding, the only sibling he has, he didnt say anything to me until after i had told all my girls. i am also letting all 5 of my girls deside on a dress, i am leaving that to them. so it that situation i am not saying how much it has to be. i am not making any of them pay for the shower...and my maid of honor and i have talked about my party, and she knows and understands what i want, and its not to spend lots of money. It was not my choice to have to make tons of changes in my wedding, all the things I wanted my family could not do. there is already a lot of people mad at me and my honey for things that are beyond our control...so you know what i am done caring...only one things matters that day...and he will be standing there with me, i dont care who else is there. I have him and thats all i care about.
Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]
There is so, SO much wrong about this.<div>
</div><div>1.  You do not discuss the finances of one friend with your other friends.</div><div>
</div><div>2.  Your bridesmaids, since dresses have not yet been chosen, can ALL choose different dresses to ensure that they wear what they like and can afford, and therefore your about-to-be-booted bridesmaid can dress as she can afford as well.  And if she already has a dress in the requisite color, that should be good enough.  If it's a little shabby, that's for her to worry about, though I doubt it's that bad after 4 weddings.  </div><div>
</div><div>I recently wore my MOH dress from my sister's wedding, which was 7 years ago and which I've worn 5 or 6 times SINCE the wedding, to a very formal event and it's still in such good shape that I was interviewed on camera about it and people are still complimenting me about it a month after the event.</div><div>
</div><div>3.  You don't dictate your shower to your attendants.</div><div>
</div><div>4.  IF you have a shower, it's honestly fine if the financially strapped bridesmaid doesn't contribute to it.</div><div>
</div><div>5.  You can still ask your fiance's sister to be a bridesmaid if you like, even with your friend still included.  You can have uneven sides.  Or he can have her on his side, 'cause that's ok too.</div><div>
</div><div>6.  It's pretty damned sad that you don't care who's at your wedding (so you don't care if this poor bridesmaid can't or doesn't come?) besides  you and your fiance.  Then elope!</div>

LD1970

And don't dictate that they get hair & makeup done!  I have been in many weddings and have never had pro hair or makeup.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e7f297-04b6-405b-9809-64b5d399f58aPost:69257395-df39-4561-84e3-3c1522c03f06">Re: BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]And no, don't ask her to do the photos--HIRE HER to do the photos.  Jesus.  She is not your indentured servant! DUH do you think im that sum yes i would flipping HIRE her to do them i wouldnt MAKE her do them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by nicoledan11[/QUOTE]


Seems to me that if you are willing to pay her to photograph your wedding, you would not have any problems financially to pay for her dress.  My photographer was $3000.  Even 1/10 of that will buy one heck of a dress.