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Sticky situation

msummerfmsummerf
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in Wedding Party
My FI asked his best friend from high school to be his best man.  I mentioned a while ago that the friend decided to try and convince FI not to marry me (because the friend has never liked it when FI was in relationships, and this one will be permanent).  FI has decided that he no longer wishes to be friends with this person (the wedding was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back after several years of emotional abuse on the part of the friend, dating back to before FI and I even met).  All of FI's other friends have expressed their relief that FI has decided not to tolerate the abuse anymore.

My issue lies with the fact that FI does not want this man to even be at the wedding, let alone stand up with him, but does not want to tell him.  I have refused to commit to any side in this debacle - I don't at all want to get involved in his decisions about his friends.  My only recommendation was to not make a rash judgment, but to see if time changed anything.  Apparently, it has not, and a friend asked today what FI was going to do.  He replied "nothing. By now he should know that I don't want him there."  I'm not sure he's right about it.  I don't want to say anything to FI - I am trying really hard to stay out of this situation - but I also have a feeling that FI is being a bit overly optomistic in hoping that the guy will just "know" that he's out of the wedding.

Any thoughts?
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Re: Sticky situation

  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    1000 Comments
    Are they friends anymore? No? Then, unless the guy is completely and utterly dense, he should know he's out of the wedding. And unless FI gives him wedding details or an invitation, he's not going to be able to show up, is he?

    Problem solved.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    If this guy mentions anything about being a GM, your FI just needs to correct him. 

    Him: "Dude, I'm going to give the best speech at your wedding!"
    FI: "Sounds like fun but unfortunately we're limiting speeches to people in the WP."

    Him: "Dude, where do I get my tux?"
    FI: "Sorry, man, we already asked our WP.  Can't wait to see you as a guest though.  Wanna play Rock Band?"

    You get the idea.  If he fails to correct him and the guy winds up in the wedding, it's his own fault.
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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sticky-situation-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a387d501-3dcb-414e-80ba-8a1a67212990Post:7577800b-0c58-4d11-a67b-b2c2a4032217">Sticky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI asked his best friend from high school to be his best man.  I mentioned a while ago that the friend decided to try and convince FI not to marry me (because the friend has never liked it when FI was in relationships, and this one will be permanent).  <strong>FI has decided that he no longer wishes to be friends with this person</strong> (the wedding was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back after <strong>several years of emotional abuse on the part of the friend</strong>, dating back to before FI and I even met).  All of FI's other friends have expressed their relief that FI has decided not to tolerate the abuse anymore. My issue lies with the fact that <strong>FI does not want this man to even be at the wedding, let alone stand up with him, but does not want to tell him</strong>.  I have refused to commit to any side in this debacle -<strong> I don't at all want to get involved in his decisions about his friends</strong>.  My only recommendation was to not make a rash judgment, but to see if time changed anything.  Apparently, it has not, and a friend asked today what FI was going to do.  He replied "nothing. By now he should know that I don't want him there."  I'm not sure he's right about it.  I don't want to say anything to FI - I am trying really hard to stay out of this situation - but I also have a feeling that FI is being a bit overly optomistic in hoping that the guy will just "know" that he's out of the wedding. Any thoughts?
    Posted by msummerf[/QUOTE]

    Uh...hate to say this but you need to do what his parents should have done years and years ago: teach him to stand up for himself.  If he wants to end the friendship he needs to do this and you need to let him know that you will be there for him no matter what the fallout.  I was bullied throughout grade school and some of highschool but if your FI is old enough to get married he should be able to handle this by now.
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  • msummerfmsummerf
    First Comment
    Thanks Amy, I think you hit the nail on the head.  Confirmed what I was thinking.  To be fair to FI, he has had a lot of stress and is dealing with anxiety problems, so I understand his hesitancy.  Hopefully as his emotional health improves, he'll address the issue.
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