help!!! friend/flower girl issues

Benowitz

I was so happy when I first got engaged and I was brainstorming with my close friend at the time that I would like her daughter to be my flower girl.  I love her daughter and my friend constantly tells me ,"I consider you her aunt". Mind you, I never "officially" asked her daughter or my friend yet.

My friend and I had a huge fight 2 weeks ago and we haven't talked since. People have been telling me that my friend has been telling people that her daughter will be my flower girl even as recently has a week ago.

I don't know what to do. I want to work things out with my friend but I don't know if we'll ever be as close again (esp if her daughter won't be part of the wedding party). I also don't think I can financially afford to have a flower girl nor can I emotionally handle the extra stress my friend will causing if her daughter is part of the wedding pary.

I don't know what to do.....HELP!!

mysticl

Kind of sticky.  Even if you didn't say "will you be my flower girl" you did say you wanted her to be your flower girl.  That really could be considered the same thing.  I never asked mine, I told their mom we wanted them in the wedding and now they have their dresses.   Also, is the little girl aware that you wanted her in the wedding.  She might be really excited about it (my FGs sure are) and it wouldn't be fair to hurt her feelings because of a fight with her mother.  Also, what are the financial burdens of having a FG?  She doesn't have to throw real rose petals or carry reall flowers, she can carry something much more economical.  Her gift doesn't have to be fancy.  You can probably get a kid's meal for her at the RD and reception. 

trix1223

You "brainstormed" with your friend about her DD being a flower girl?  Guess what.  You indirectly asked her to be your FG. 

You have 8 full months to fix the friendship.  That should be your focus right now, not kicking a little girl out of a wedding. 

And I'm not sure what the awful added expense of an FG is.  Her mommy buys her attire.  You buy whatever she's carrying, which can be an adorable little purse or basket from Target.  You buy her a Barbie (if she likes them) as her WP gift. 

Fix the friendship.  Don't kick a little girl out of a wedding because you and her mommy are having an argument.

mbcdefg

Talking with your friend about having her daughter as a flower girl IS asking her to include her daughter as flower girl. Her role wasn't dependent on you sitting down with her and officially saying, "Will you be my flower girl?"

It would be unfair of you to punish the little girl because you and her mother had a fight. She did nothing wrong here.

If the fight was two weeks ago, emotions are still very raw and neither of you are probably thinking clearly about this situation. You have a TON of time before your May 2011 wedding, so try not to worry about this right now. Work on repairing the friendship with your friend, and see what happens from there.

If she's going around and telling people that her daughter will be your flower girl, it seems to me that she intends on making up with you. So give her the opportunity to work things out with you.

Like PPs said, there's no reason why a flower girl should be an enormous expense - especially since you apparently did not consider a flower girl to be a financial burden before the fight. Her mother should be the one buying her dress, so either talk with her to figure out her budget and pick a dress within that price range; or give her some parameters (color, style, etc. - or just say that you have the right to approve the dress before she purchases it) and let her find something on her own. If you agreed to purchase the dress before the fight, then just find something inexpensive from a department store or Marshall's/Kohl's/Target. It need not be a "flower girl dress," because any party dress or Communion dress will be the exact same thing. She can carry an inexpensive basket or a small floral arrangement, and you can find a nice gift for her in the $10-20 range.

You're basing this decision on a lot of "What If?" scenarios. "What if my friend causes a problem on my wedding day?" "What if we don't make up and aren't close anymore?" You can't go through life based on your predictions about the future, especially if it'll impact someone else (i.e., hurting this little girl's feelings over something she had no part in). You just don't require the flower girl to do anything except walk down the aisle, in order to limit the amount of time her mother spends around you. If she's in the back of the ceremony area on your wedding day causing a problem, quietly ask someone else (MOH, mom, whoever) to run interference. If you think you won't ever be close friends again, you just suck it up and let the kid be in your wedding, and then let the friendship run its course after that.

bablingbrooke

I think you and mom need to patch up the friendship, like you would if there were no wedding involved.

lalap69

If you weren't sure if you wanted to include her daughter as your FG, you shouldn't have said anything to her.

Deal with your friend the same way you would if you weren't getting married, since your fight is a friendship issue, not a wedding one.

Assuming you patch up the relationship, guess what - her daughter is a FG.  You asked when you opened your mouth.

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendflower-girl-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a401c140-b84f-461a-aed7-d68d5b55ff6aPost:e930b7c6-aa12-4985-8f92-20d8159b1897">help!!! friend/flower girl issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I was so happy when I first got engaged and I was brainstorming with my close friend at the time that I would like her daughter to be my flower girl.  I love her daughter and my friend constantly tells me ,"I consider you her aunt". Mind you, I never "officially" asked her daughter or my friend yet. My friend and I had a huge fight 2 weeks ago and we haven't talked since. People have been telling me that my friend has been telling people that her daughter will be my flower girl even as recently has a week ago. I don't know what to do. I want to work things out with my friend but I don't know if we'll ever be as close again (esp if her daughter won't be part of the wedding party).<strong> I also don't think I can financially afford to have a flower girl nor can I emotionally handle the extra stress my friend will causing if her daughter is part of the wedding pary.</strong> I don't know what to do.....HELP!!
Posted by Benowitz[/QUOTE]
Can you ellaborate on these 2? I'm confused asto how a FG can financially burdon you, or how your friend will cause stress?